DH aggressive with DD

[aprilrain]

There have been 3 physical incidents:

1. About 2 years ago (she was 2yo) she was going through a biting phase. She bit his chest and he pulled her off by her hair. Caused pain and upset.

2. Last year (just turned 4) she was jumping around him in bed while he was trying to lie in. He told her to stop. She carried on. He smacked her on her back, without warning, because he was "tired and irritable".

3. Last night, getting ready for bed, she was wiggling her bum at him (4yo humour) and he was getting annoyed because she wiggled it in his face. He pushed her away (looked more like a throw to me but I didn't see properly), she went flying onto the bed, landing on our 10 month old baby, hurting both of them. (Baby has a small bruise today).

I had serious words with him after each incident. He feels very bad about no3 and did apologise to DD. But as for 1 and 2 he still to this day defends his actions. He seems to think that a "short sharp shock" is a necessary part of parenting. I couldn't disagree more. I'm not a perfect parent and I do lose my temper but I believe in calm parenting.

In his everyday interactions with her, he is often shouty, sarcastic and dismissive of her feelings. He has (out of her earshot) described her to me as "a little bitch" and "a knobhead". He has said he doesn't like her. He doesn't really play with her or do activities - if he's in charge (rare) he puts the tv on and gets on with his own stuff. We only do family stuff if instigated by me.

He can also be very kind, loving and a lot of fun - jokes, silliness, tickles etc.

I'm really worried about the impact his aggressiveness will be having on DD. And I'm worried that he's going to be the same with DD2 once she's past the baby stage.

Basically, I think he's a rubbish parent. But he won't listen to me. And I seem to be constantly criticising him, which he puts up with but takes no notice of. He says his parents were like this and it's done him no harm.

Am I being too controlling? Or are my concerns valid?

There have been some harsh words to you April from a number of posters on this thread which make uncomfortable reading for you, BUT, the reason is that the protection of innocent children is absolutely paramount and you have become 'normalised' to his behaviour. Many of the posters have been in situations that may have started out like yours but got worse, so they can see a future and are asking you to avoid it by taking action. To you though, who is looking for support it may feel hostile and aggressive rather than friendly and supportive.

Please understand that every poster is thinking only of your kids and not your complex feelings for your DH. This is about them and their health and safety. You have a tough path ahead, and the people who speak most harshly will also hold your hand through it, please don't be scared away.

April I just have to say this. My ex and your ex are very similar and my ex also had a dysfunctional and abusive upbringing and damaged my ex so much that he is unable to be a functioning and safe parent.

It took me seven bloody years to leave him, I'm ashamed to say, I felt sorry for him, believed he would change and listened to his sorry sobs over and over again and still never changed. He was aggressive, verbally abusive, he did not respect the girls boundaries especially over tickling. He never interacted, and called me then aged 5 ds a cunt to his face and then threw his breakfast at the wall and threw me over the sofa in front of his and dd then aged 3.

Why did I not leave him? I don't know, I tried to, I had two children by him fairly early on when he wasn't so bad. My eldest two are not his.

My lightbulb moment was July 2011 when after his aggressiveness got worse, he after a disagreement over a room change around which I didn't agree to, he had a habit of changing the front room around every two weeks or so without warning, he punched a heavy stereo speaker across the front room narrowly avoiding our one year old baby and knocking into his own 8 year old dd (who along with his other dd, came to stay every weekend)

I phoned the police and he was removed from mine and I've never had him back.

18 months or so on and he barely has contact with any of his four dd,s. he is a horrible man.

Please leave him April, it really will get worse.

I forgot to say, he once smacked my our daughter so hard she had an imprint on her arm for a week, all she did was pick up a hammer that he'd left lying about, she was four at the time

April this is about your children. Not you.

This is not an observation about your relationship. It's not about him or you.

What price do you put on your children?

That's what this thread is about.

No way would I have a man like that near my children. It's your job to
Protect them as they cannot protect themselves from this vile man.

What an arse. Your poor DD. Who the fuck thinks it's acceptable to pull a 2 yr old by the hair??!

As long as you stay it is only a matter of time before another incident, another escalation. He feels brazen enough to describe your child to you as a 'little bitch' and a 'knobhead'(I just can't get over using that sickening word about a tiny child). With each incident that you don't take action over, real action not just pointless words and ultimatums, he will become bolder still.

If you choose to stay - and it is your choice - then inevitably it will one day be out of your hands - it may be the school who notices your child's injuries, it may be the hospital where she has to be treated, it may be a neighbour who can't take any more - but it will be out in the open. When that happens you will have to justify why you stayed and you simply won't be able to.

2yo's (on average) don't have much hair

it takes a special effort to drag a 2yo by the hair

As the dd of a man that treated me this way, and one who watched her mother stand by and do nothing to stop it (in my opinion)

I hated growing up ended up self harming, anorexic, various psychiatrists and 30 years on.... I still have mental health issues, confidence and security issues. I have almost no relationship with my mother as I feel she failed to do the one main thing I believe is a mothers role, my protector.

I then went on to have my own abusive relationships

I begged my mother to leave at 14 years old, my saddest memory is her telling me she couldn't, she had been with him since she was very young and didn't know how to be without him! I hated her for that!

Don't do that to your little girls, they are your babies.

You know that his behaviour is not right, you know what you should do!

Where did you go op, i hope it's that you don't have internet access rather than the alternative
Please do not allow this to carry on, leave him for the sake of your dc, it isn't about you.

And this is my last say on this.
You are (imo) caught between loving your family knowing this, and trying to keep it together, or living this life where you are watchful, protecting your daughter from his next tirade, or being free, and watching your daughter (and baby) blossom x

Thats up to you April, as a mother.

I wish you well.

thank you jingle i had rewind therapy which makes is less painful to think about these days.

can i also just add april that this happened to me back in the 80's, and my bruises got noticed, social services got involved and i was removed into care for some of the time. My mother however convinced the social worker that all was well and if i were to be returned there would be no repeats - which of course there were and then SF felt he had the upper hand - after all - nothing had happened even after his abuse was known about. so it just got worse.

i now work as a police officer and i can say without shadow of doubt that were your childrens bruises to be noted now, you would be looking at far more serious consequences, child abuse is taken rather more seriously these days.

i can see from your responses that you are seeking help and advice, and its good that you are not burying your head in the sand, but i think you need to take some definitive action - after all 3 incidents in 4 years is quite a lot in her short life. She will push more of his buttons as she gets older. It doesnt take much force from an adult male to really hurt a child.

OP noticed you posting on another thread earlier tonight so hoping you are still coming back to read here even if you don't want to comment. So many shocking stories here and all of them telling you that there is only one course of action.

'He has been with me my whole adult life. Not so easy to just throw it away'.

What would you be throwing away that is worth anything?

I am still reading.

Happy now AnyFucker? Just shut the fuck up and let posters come back on when they want to without being snide or dismissive.

I'm posting again because i need to say this.
My son, who is almost 17 remembers me unhappy. We have a great relationship, because we can talk about things. Now i may be an Irish Mammy, but i've taught him to respect women, and treat his friends (male and frmale) with respect also.
My son is 6'2 now, way taller than me, built like a tank, but he still remembers this. He is very happy doing his AS levels, and working. If i'd stayed with this "man", who knows where he could be now.
Sometimes you have to make a choice. I choosed my son happiness and future wellbeing, i made the right one. x

(sp) for the word choosed, but if April is reading this, i hope she gets it x

'I do stick up for DD. I defend her all the time'. . . .

From her own daddy at 4 years old??

God only knows what the future gods for your 2 girls if you stay but I'm imagining SS, police, A & E visits wouldn't be far off.

Please sit down & re read this entire thread from start to finnish, take yourself out the equation & think only of your daughters well being . . You have been given excellent advice on here, please take it for your babies sake.

pigletpower..fuck off yourself

OP said herself she has posted before then retreated, only to come back with the same problem x 3

so stick that up your arse and report me if you don't like my input...see if that helps, eh

better still, add something constructive to the thread instead of calling other respondents out for a scrap...

pigletpower fuck off take your attitude and shove it
Theres a dear

April, i'm so glad that you're online pet, and reading this xx
Take your time xxxxxx

April, I have been through similar with my STBXH. I understand that it is difficult as there are times in between where partner probably shows a lovely side and you have a history ( I invested so much with my sTBXH). So I understand, when you have posters confronting you that 'these are your children and they have to be put first', that whilst they are totally right, you still have other feelings about your relationship that are difficult. I have procrastinated about dotting the i's on the final divorce papers, but now I am moving forwards I can wholeheartedly say that I am so pleased to know that I have moved to protect my dcs from ongoing exposure to my stbxh and the atmosphere around him. April, you know your 4 yo will be absorbing this, and I remember reading that the first five years of a childs life are the building blocks of their sense of self, their self esteem that runs throughout their lives.
Sometimes, reading the experiences of respondents is just awful. And there may be a part of you that, as a defence mechanism, says 'but its not going to happen in my home/be that bad'...but the only way that you can guarantee that, is by removing him from your lives. His deeprooted attitudes to his own dd are really really concerning, and that comes from someone whose stbxh seems to adore his sons, but his jekyl and hyde behaviour is still just not acceptable.
We are here to support you and your dd

april it must be so hard to read this thread

i guess the responses are harsh, but in the main they come from people that have direct experience of it, ergo they have a strong and emotional reaction

i am sure you wont pack your bags and leave him in the next 24H

but i think you must take this seriously, as its very worrying

GOOD LUCK

Another one whose mother chose her boyfriend over her child. Dumped me in care actually then when she had the chance to have me back, she chose her latest fella and he chose not paying maintenance for his child.

Now, I never speak to her, haven't seen her for half my life and when she dies I will celebrate.

OP what are you going to do?

Please take what people have said on here seriously. You have the opinions of people from many different walks of life, and most importantly some very brave posters who have experienced this and have shared the experience in hopes of helping you realise how serious this situation is.

Cast your mind forward, and imagine yourself a mother, who now has no contact with her daughter because of her refusal to put her daughter first.

Can you imagine not having a relationship with your DD? And not meaning to be harsh, but that would be one of the good outcomes if you don't leave this man

A better way of putting it, op would be to imagine you are the child.
Put yourself in that mindset and imagine if it was you who was getting hurt & upset. Would you want your mother to ltb?

That should give you the answers you need inwhich to get away from this violent man.

Glad to hear you are still reading aprilrain and hopefully formulating your plan for leaving as soon as possible. You said that you and the dc are not in immediate danger from him but how can you be sure when he snaps so suddenly? Best to make firm decisions now. Keep strong. xx