Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

But my other big problem is that the house I wanted to rent has been taken off the market.

So, yes I'm fairly confused, feeling very very lost and thoroughly depressed.

And now we've had the heart-to-heart chat, he's all into ideas to move overseas in September. Waving aside any feeble objections I might come up with with an airy dismissive comment or an angry "you're not being realistic".

What now? What fucking now?

sounds to me like he has had everything his way and you have tried to accommodate, which isn't necessary as long as contact is set, why the need for court? If he speaks to you this way on the phone don't have any more phone calls from him, forcing him to communicate by writing (texts/mails) which the police, and you, can use as evidence for continued abuse and harrassment, this is evidence which will go against him. I am really surprised that your solicitor has not already advised this. No experience of mediation, but heard many say what you have that it doesn't work in abuse rel's.

Thank Nini - exhaustion is my worst enemy for studying followed closely by Dc demands, yes, and then there's procrastination and a million and one other more interesting things to do (and its funny what can seem interesting when under pressure for deadline cleaning the loo! )

oh Charlotte Please don't let him convince you to climb back into his world, although you can see his noise for what it is. Plumbers and the like are all things that can be tackled when you're ready for it, supported by advice on here and in RL hopefully. They are one of life's necessary evils, umm, not having a go at plumbers! I mean all the things of life that needing doing alongside getting on with more pleasant stuff (hopefully!). Just bide your time till he goes off for 4 months and you will have head space back and more energy for your plan, he seems to have derailed you a bit. Hold fast lady!

I was heading off for good night's sleep so ready for full on day of intense writing for assess. tomoz... so now I shall go . good sleep and peace to all xx

I was surprised how well I have dealt with - well not plumbers, but that sort of thing. After our divorce but before the settlement FWjustbecomeEx told me he felt entitled to search my rooms (master bedroom and en suite). I did some thinking and some research, and got a joiner in to fit a lock on the bedroom door.

My confidence had grown because I had had to stand up to FWwhenhewasSTB, over lots of 'little' things, which I surprised myself by doing well at, and found it easier than I expected not to engage with his response.

And I reckoned most ordinary men would be, well. normal, my default had become suspicious because of FW.

I dunno... part of me thinks whatever he does, I seem to be doing similar so what is my point, really? He's not violent, but he does seem to be personality disordered. But then, who am I to judge?

The dcs are exhausting me at the mo, and I'm too weary to enforce boundaries half the time. Their rooms are too cold (need a plumber!), and I'm letting them turf me out of bed because it's easier to have them in there and quiet. I thought it was a temporary problem because the new house would solve it, but now...!

And I have to see the doc about these darn palpitations that are scaring me.

But you're right, Fi, 4 months to get myself together and try again. But thanks to FW (probably), I have nowhere that really feels like home, and few friends. So much difficult grown-up thinking to do!

Gaslighters think the rules are for others, for losers, and they like feeling that they are superior and special.

Have just come across this on another thread. Yy! Goodness, here?s another label that fits. But if that?s true, and if that?s what the dcs are observing, is it any wonder that they are such difficult children to enforce boundaries with?

Which gives me another foashback, LeClerc and I share it not in the spirit of poor little me, but in the spirit of recognition for other women going through it right now.

My ex had taken five attempts to pass his driving test, his mum once told me. I passed first time. He used to belittle my driving skills though, all the time. once I remember him asking me if I was taught to drive by an Asian (for someone half Jewish he coukd be very racist)...

But here's the fkashback. I am driving round here, where I grew up and have lived years. 30MPH in the villages, National Speed Limit inbetween, although I never drove at 70 or close to it because of the verbals I'd get.

So I hit the speed limit sign in a village and I slow down to just below 30 MPH which, knowing where the signs are, I do just before I reach it. But he lambasts me for "breaking the speed limit". He win't have it that 25 MPH isnt too fast. Then, coming out the village I hit the National Speed Limit sign and speed up, so he screams at me for "going too slow" WTF?

I now know something I didn't know then, that he has a paranoid personality disorder so the way he sees the world is sometimes literally the opposite to reality. But i didnt know that then. Not that it is any excuse,anyway, to treat people like crap and constantly attack them emotionally.

I thought of a comeback to his racist remark only afterwards. My ex was a cockney. And although I live Up North, I was taught to drive by a cockney. i should have told him that!

Wereonourway - that sounds just awful, but am glad your solicitor is on the case. I also left my FW H in May, have been going back and forwards with him since then in efforts to try and sort things out, but it hasn't work, I have just lettered him via solicitor and awaiting his reply with an anxious feeling...
I have experience of mediation through my last relationship - I think the for the courts, you have to at least attempt mediation. But the crucial thing is you don't have to agree anything. If it's obvious that no agreement can be made, then the mediator will refer it to go to court, that's what happened to another poster (bertiebassett). She stood firm and stood her ground, and the mediator was great and saw all the FWy behaviour from him. But if you get legal aid, you shouldn't have to pay (but he will if he doesn't). And make sure you bring all your issues to the table - his bullying, his name-calling, his lack of reliability. My ex (not current FW) already had DS1 overnight two nights a week, and had him one day every other weekend (because he worked other weekends). He wanted to have him overnight as well when he had him weekends. I had lots of (I felt) valid reasons why not, and I stood firm on these, but we also talked about lots of other issues and did get them sorted, like finances and the house. The mediator wont make you agree to anything you are not happy with.

Anyway, sorry, and breathe!!!

Charlotte, I'm sorry to say but he's still at it. The talk of moving abroad is because he knows his hold on you here has slipped, but if he can isolate you even further by taking you out of the country you'll kind of be stuck with him, and it'll be even harder to leave. My FW did this too - told me I either had to go back to work full time or we were moving to nearer his work so he didn't have to commute so far. He made it seem as if those were my only two choices. I was distraught because I thought they were my only choices. But it's just another control tactic. Hold everything till he goes again next week and you can think clearly again.

Leclerc - that's a great realisation. I think you are probably spot on with your assessment of why DS1 is acting up. (Although knowing why doesn't make it any easier while you deal with them push, push, pushing!)

Thank you pony, that's brilliant to hear. He obviously hasn't stuck to current agreement, so hoping no one can disagree with me restricting more.
How do I cope with the feelings of anxiety?? I'm seriously thinking about going to gp, constant horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Worried about him preventing pick ups, worried about his reaction to letters etc.

Yy, pony, he even said that North Africa is about as close to Heathrow as the West Country. So I wouldn't be at all isolated!

Anyway, it's a beautiful day today and I'm feeling much stronger. I may not know what the future holds, but he can't do much harm to us all over the next four months, can he?

Interesting realisation, Leclerc. Just as well he's 5 and not a lot older, eh? He'll work it out soon enough, I think. You're a great, consistent mum away from fw!

I can focus on the important ones ie the dcs and not on the FW ruler of the universe
Leclerc, that comment really resonated with me. I lost count of the times I had to say to DS1 'wait in the living room' and he'd be left sitting on his own while I had to deal with some argument/ongoing problem with FW in the kitchen. Or the number of times we'd be going out the house and get into an argument, and DS1 (and sometimes DSDs too) would be sat in the car for ages waiting (and knowing full well there was an argument going on). I felt like I was not able to look after DS1 properly because FW took my focus, my time, my energy, everything I had. If it was a choice between FW and DS1 and I chose to spend time with DS1, hell mend me.

Sorry, don't know why I should be feeling about thinking about that. I should be that it happened like that, and that it's not like that anymore!

As you were.

Wow Leclerc!!!!! Go girl!!!! That's a fab piece of empowerment, and you can go bac and read it/tinker with it if need reminding at any point. I saw you refer to him as 'exH' on another thread and thought 'Hurrah!'

You're allowed a few extra!!!!!!!!

Totally agree ladies, I always feel like I'm not giving my DC 100% or being a good mummy as my time is spent dealing with FW or I'm too tired after one of his episodes to even get them out of the house to play etc i really do think all FWs are so jealous of DC.

FW off work for a few days, epic, bang goes my free time this avo where I was going to sort out storage place. Instead I am tidying bedrooms and having my progress monitored on a regular basis by FW. Arsehole. Until later ladies!

oooo... new link to new thread time?