Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Ha! Don't be sorry Maggie you couldn't help that, wonderful to hear from you tho thanks for the update. take care and hope you get some good lseep and energy. Fi

Sorry again x am laying low for a bit as he's basically watching my every move x

Glad you're ok, Maggie! Thank goodness. Hope everyone else is doing as well as can be expected. xx

keep safe, maggie and clear your internet history If you have to, don't be afraid of the refuge route - it'd be a stepping stone to a new life and at least you'll be safe

My FW is hovering around downstairs like a black cloud of misery - wish he'd just fuck off to bed. I just get so sick of being bloody disliked and disapproved of all the time, quite apart from all the rest of the abuse - it's a rotten way to live

I can't wait to escape - but feel so scared of taking that leap into what seems like no-going-back-land - I don't mean re relationship with him - can't stand him and never want to be with him again - but at the moment I feel like I'm maintaining an egg shell balance re his temper and controlling ways, it's scary to think of unleashing his full fury. I know we all feel like this - sorry, just having a whimper! Please give me a (kind) kick up the bum to make me jump off the virtual cliff

go try....

.... Fly ! you know its time (we tie ourselves in knots believing we are controlling their moods - who are we fooling?!)

That's a very good point fi

It's hard and weird to imagine life beyond - not because I want to be with him in any way anymore - but because I feel like I don't know anything else - I've been with him all my adult life - I guess abusers like to catch 'em young, eh. (nb I am not young anymore, ha ha! And actually that pisses me off, that he took all my young years)

How are you doing, anyway?

Leclerc how's the Teddy of Doom?! Is he still controlling us from his power (shower) base

Absolutely, Leclerc. There's nothing we can do to prevent their behaviour, because no matter how we modify our own behaviour, they find a way to put us down and keep us in line. The goalposts always move because they are based on nothing but a FW's whims.
I remember talking to FW about starting weaning DS2 - which had already been started because FW decided that it was 'time' (he knew I'd planned to start two weeks after, but he wanted to be in control) . FW had given him the baby rice I'd got, and I mentioned I was going to give him pear the next day. He got very annoyed at me giving him sweet stuff instead of savoury (despite me saying that's how it's done, that I was using the leaflet I was given by the HV). Such a minor thing, but I got yelled at for it and told I was being ridiculous. How could I have known that he would react like that? I was terrified to start weaning because I wanted to do it properly for DS2, but also didn't want to cause arguments by doing it the 'wrong way'. (Went with the pear in the end... and left just a few days after, I think.)
You can't win with them. Because it's their own twisted logic, and there's no sense to it, only what they need to feel at that particular moment, and everything else comes second.

Have you heard any more about the flat, try?

Glad you're ok Maggie, but not sure I agree that you are safe.

Hope Charlotte is coping ok on her holiday...

This article gyzym.tumblr.com/post/39004853136/just-shut-up was just linked to on a friend's Facebook, interesting reading about media portrayals of relationships.

leclerc I don't blame you for feeling furious - I know what you mean - why the feck couldn't they have behaved well when we needed them to and when we still wanted them, the fools?!? It's prob good that your inner fury is coming to the surface, though, better than festering.

Pony that story of the weaning so sounds like my life I'm so glad you left shortly after

Re flat - thanks for asking pony - I was meant to have second view on Fri but current tenants cancelled, so am awaiting a call from agents. I plan to make a low offer as soon as I've seen it again, I'll chase agents from work Mon am. Also plan to visit police again on Monday, plus call WA.

Hope everyone is ok. *leclerc watch out for ToD

pony interesting article, completely agree re Love Actually - it's quite an uncomfortable film.

I get so upset when I look back on incidents like that weaning thing. To be shouted at for it, it's just not right. But it was normal in my life, even though I knew it wasn't right. I just didn't know what to do in order to do the right thing. I can see it now, looking back, but I was in it at the time and couldn't. You'll be there too, soon. Sounds like you've got a busy day tomorrow!

And I find that I now view quite a lot of things differently on TV and find them uncomfortable now where I didn't think at all before. Even things like old John Wayne films where is the roughtie toughtie big softie, but still roughly manhandling the woman around (and putting her over his knee and spanking her at the 'happy' ending of one film ). But, in a way, that something as modern as Love Actually still portrays that dynamic, and was written by someone who comes across as thoughtful and liberal, it seems even more wrong.

Have just sent the letter to the solicitor. Hurray for me.

we are lost in those awful relationships being manipulated and continually screwed over, hoping that he will be the good we can see sometimes, but he will never stop being the evil too, the cruel, the nasty, the uncaring, its fundamental, makes us angry, but not our fault... .and then one day.. we see that (angry for treatment, and sad for loss of years - right thats upset me so I'm off out for long walk with DC and dog). ((hugs all)) xx

Things are slowly declining. The aggression is just getting to the point where I'm loathe to even interact. I can feel myself detaching and preparing mentally. A couple of threads read recently didn't help as it was similar behaviour and even I could see how horrible it was.

I dread the kick off. My family is irrelevant, as I've learned to ignore their criticisms years ago. My ILs will be quite upset and most likely vocal about it. I will be painted as the bad guy.

I'm just ill at the thought of it all.....

Do they go to the same school, leClerc?

I meant DDs. It might be normal sibling behaviour, to mark the difference between them, iyswim?

Also, when my DD was 14 she was underachieving, wouldn't work at anything she didn't like or couldn't see the point of, and I gave up on trying to get her to do homework stubborn little miss. At that time, all was reasonably fine on the homefront, so I knew it was all her iykwim. Teachers kept saying she was different from her older brother, also at same school, in terms of attitude to work! She is now 21, knows her own mind, makes sensible decisions...

Some stuff is just normal stuff that might well have happened whatever.

I teach secondary Leclerc, I would,speak to her head of year and arrange for her to have one of the teachers as a mentor. That's what my school does with pupils we feel are underachieving.

Pony, hope it doesn't all kick off when FW receives the official stuff. It did for me when he saw examples of unreasonable behaviour in black and white.

I'd say so. They should try and put your dd with someone she has a positive relationship with. Their aim should be to check her predicted grades and see what she is doing to achieve them. Also liaise with other members of staff to see what strategies they are putting in place to see she achieves her targets.

ah thats better! back from blasts of fresh air with DC/doggies. Tired after DC having sleepover, but settling down for the night.

LeClerc, just keep talking about her 'dreams' - to be a vet - try not to stress the other stuff (v. hard I know!). This means you will be able to share communication about her dream thing, good common ground and will keep her up about her eventual goals. Maybe a little WE with the local one to get her all fired up again?

Pony hurrah to you!!! YEAH! GO GIRL! You know how nasty he can be, just keep your distance whilst it sinks in for him, or even arrange a third party to do contact swap over? Stick to your plans for what you wanted, as this bit is still for you, don't let it be about him suddenly just because he might not like it. You are being strong, well done.

Twelve well done you too! for knowing and doing the detaching. Keep going brave lady, you realise that they are not your friends, and will not be when you execute a plan (making sur eyou are safe). You need to feel good about yourself for taking back some control at this point, as you are (although you might not feel like that!) , but you are and trust only those that you can really rely on to give you support thro that, or just us in here, but you're doing it! Feel your strength ((hugs))