Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Nini glad you're ok though I am sorry you are struggling so much to get any space for studying.

I'll post properly later - am with fw now- but just wanted to share with you that my low offer on flat was rejected but I have (nervously) upped it. I'll hear tomorrow.

Hope your offer is accepted Try.
Good luck for your exam Nini

I am no further on. As far as I know FW has still not filled the forms in. I am scared I am going to be paying my solicitor £250 a month forever and a day at this rate. Was a bit scared on the divorce support thread by you saying your settlement cost 3k silvery with you having done a lot of the legwork .
My settlement isn't a vast amount mainly because I haven't got the energy and nature to fight it out in court for a share of the house.

But mine is a unique one. The marriage was long, the amount of capital involved (much of which we lived on ) was largish. I had to trace it all over several decades.

However, for the divorce bit, I was told it was cost a small amount to get the petition served on him by somebody, in the event he did not respond. I had to supply a photo of STBx for the server, but in the end Ex replied in time.

STBx left everything to the last second, it was part of his evil plan I think, but this just gave me more time to think things through thoroughly and get ahead of his game

I read that as 'do some plates' !!

Having said that, I myself feel good as I have loaded the dishwasher and started it running, and done some pot washing in the sink. I actually remember now, I quite like housework - when the house is mainly orderly already, and there aren't 3 other adults sharing the house and scarcely doing a hand's turn

I think he is delaying as, despite everything, he still thinks I will change my mind. I won't. I am so happy with my life away from him. I finally feel like I have the balance right between looking after the dc and doing things for me. I wouldn't go back for a gold pig! The sooner he realises that the better. Although obviously I am glad that for the moment things are amicable for the dc's sake.

Me too Silver, I take more pride in keeping the house tidy, making the bed, etc these days.

Leclerc, I like the idea that you are going to 'do' some plates, like a form of expressionist Greek therapy. Get your angries out on some china!

Nini, I wish I lived near you, I'd happily help out on Monday. Stick on DVD after DVD, if that will keep her still and quiet, it's just one day...

try - fingers crossed for you tomorrow...

I haven't heard anything from FW yet, so no idea if he got the letter today or not. I now think that he'll not say anything to me, he'll let me stew and wonder. To be fair, if I received something similar from him I'd say nothing and contact my solicitor immediately, doing my best to be normal and pretend like I'm not bovvered! So I think that's what he's doing.

Play him at his own game if that's what you think he will do then pony. Totally nonchalant.

What's interesting about this is how carefully women in 'these' relationships have to lay down plans to leave... I didn't dump nightmare F4J ex in one go, but let him down over a long-ish period (after many previous leavings and returnings), when I knew that was it, and for the kids I had to get out... and it seems the same for many of us.

Also what is striking reading this thread is... how much these men play games to try and get us back. If we were such pieces of crap in the first place, why are we such prizes they'd do anything to get us back? (Rhetorical question as of course, we remain pieces of crap, in their minds - but they are addicted to the control, I guess).

Hi all, I'm back from holiday and checking in quickly.

The holiday was - well, I survived, that's the main thing. Holidays aren't real life: he's usually more of a family man and generally feeling happier so being more charming. He did talk about telling me off in front of the dcs a few times, and behaved irresponsibly with the dcs (keeping them up late then shooing them to bed and being cross with them because it was so late, for example), but not really anything major enough for me to keep my perspective.

Then last night, we talked. He admitted things about his behaviour. Said some things which surprised me. Came close to tears about possibility of losing me. Admitted hurt from his childhood that he's always denied before or avoided talking about. And pointed out the huge stress (may lose his job, v busy) he's under at work - in fact, that was the one bit that made my insides clench: when he said, "I need you to commit to this relationship for the next 4 months."

Sorry, got to go - will finish later.

my internet cut me off back for moment, and see that everyone's been very busy, with lots of eltting off steam and gettin gout of anger, and planning, and busy doing... good good good!

LeClerc I don't spose you've had a great deal of time to get this stuff out of your system till now? (referring to post a few pages back which I only just saw). The reality is that it should have made you angry way back then, but as we know we minimalise it all, etc.... so its a good thing, and I thnk it can cause a big shift in our thinking about FWs and the reality of who they actually are, so thats a really good thing. The anger of course is damaging to you, so keep getting it out, I recently had a skype swearfest with a friend and it was hilarious and very liberating, but then we had to calm ourselves down, so refreshing.

Pony hoping you have a peaceful sleep with all this going on. Your solicitor sounds cool and is fighting on your behalf so well. Aw for DS saying such kindnesses to his mummy.

Good luck with offer Try

nini I too am under pressure here trying to get an assessment finished this week, so have to be brief! fo ryou too xx
Maggie keeep strong girly! Thinking of you lots and you sound determined with your plan.

Who said, they are awaiting notice of acceptance of divorce petition? I recalled something, might have been on ths thread earlier, about someone not replying in time and therefore losing their rights? [in court... or to appeal against].

The huge dragging/sadness/swirlings seem to be having positive effects!!??!?! Today a real big happy step forward, I know its not done yet, but I am feeling a little bit like I'm stepping out of the dark into the light in some ways... oooooo.... you know, casting off old heavy dark cloak. Not to run away with it, but it is so good to have a boost from such a positive.

Thinking of all, take care, keep safe, peace xxx

ooops!... didn't mean gettin 'gout'! space in the wrong place! or eltting... have little time! fingers tripping over each other! x

more Fwittery charlotte. Once again, all about him and what HE needs you to do! Explanations of his behaviour that still don't excuse it. This is what irritates me more than anything. They can never produce a genuine apology, can they? It's always backed up with excuses, yet we can never be allowed any excuses for behaviour they don't like even when it is crazy stuff like me using kitchen roll to mop up spills

Was me Fi who is waiting for the Acknowledgment of Service.

Cheering you on Maggie! Keep posting, I know its a hard drag, but you're getting close to it now. ((big hugs))

Charlotte does sound like he's aware of a shift in you, and needing some reassurance (commit for next 4 mths) that you recognise the terrible pressure he is under his excuse for having treated you like shit and that its been awful for him facing the possibility of losing job really???? is that actually true - I've heard that one too many times to take it at face value and therefore you WILL understand that he was entitled to treat you like shit under those circumstances. hmmm.
xx

ah Match! does that make any sense to you? I definitely heard that an OH left it too late to resply and lost rights as a result, his solicitors fault as I'd heard it... would that make any sense? Can anyone else corroborate? Just think that might be something good to take away the sort of limbo you might be having

I know he hasn't been able to see his solicitor yet as the one he spoke to before for advice is now on long term leave. I know how he works ( obviously). All paperwork used to be dealt with by me, so everything will just be sitting there, not being dealt with. He will get served with the petition soon, which he knows.

Fi, I think that was bertie whose FW was too late with the reply so lost the right to appeal against what it said (ie about his unreasonable behaviour)... something like that. T'was quite a while ago though, maybe on Thread 12/13?

And I actually like your typo, very poetic - a gout of anger. Like a murder of crows.

Glad you seem to be feeling a bit more buoyant today, s'nice to see/read (even if there is an assessment looming, good luck to you too!).

Oooooh Charlotte, I'm feeling so much confusion from you, I feel for you honey. Take time to think about things, don't let him rush you into 'committing' for the next four months - just because he says he wants you to, doesn't mean you have to, you can choose not to without doing anything else at all, it doesn't mean you are upping sticks and leaving him - just not going to be bound by his schedule.

Dare I admit that I was quite disappointed when FW returned his acknowledgement in the nick of time? As we lived in the same house, I was quite looking forward to overhearing him being served, would have made me feel all EastEndery...

ha ha! Pony mmm.. is good... a good ol' gout of anger! and cheers x

Aaaargh. NSDH just dropped the bomb on me that he's leaving for his interview an extra half hour early tomorrow, with the car, which means I'm going to have to take DD to nursery on the bus and come home again. MORE time WASTED when I should be STUDYING! Argh. But I know, I know, I shouldn't complain. Just keep your collective fingers crossed that he doesn't get this job.

Welcome back Charlotte! Hope you get your assessment done ok Fi, it's so hard to study amongst everything else, isn't it?

-plays the Eastenders music just for Silver-

Hi all. I know I'm a newbie and although I've posted before about issues over contact with ex since we split ill try to give a brief synopsis.
Split in August- I was entirely flexible around work/football/social life re contact. Hot verbal abuse if things didn't suit.
Went to solicitor in October- he said he would ruin his life. I upped the offer I'd made due to pressure from him so as it stands he gets the exact times and days he asked for.
He has continually cancelled or cut short contact/cancelled overnights etc.
he bullied me over Xmas- threatened to not let me see ds as Xmas eve fell on his overnight. Xmas morning he called ne a cunt(quite normal).
I snapped- I've had enough. He continues to control me and make my life hell, I've recently been able to ignore more but there's still a drive in me to defend myself from the bullshit he directs at me.
Anyway went to solicitor again last week to mention bullying and intimidation and to reaffirm times. My new job allows me a Friday off, guess what? Suddenly ex wants to keep ds on a Friday.
I wasn't too confident after solicitors appointment. She was quite abrupt and I felt she didn't pay enough attention to my concerns about his bullying/his not turning up/him suddenly demanding Friday access.
Her letter arrived today and its brilliant. She has outlined the facts to a t and mentioned things I thought she hadn't even listened to.
Queue phone call from ex asking me to go to mediation at a cost of 135 quid per session. He says he has now got his own solicitor, she has suggested a mediator local to us.
Am I right in thinking he must be paying a solicitor and not getting legal aid if he is paying for mediation??? And will I need to pay? I do get legal aid.
A poster on here has given me great advice and said mediation isn't recommended in cases where abuse (even emotional) has taken place. My solicitor suggested it, I assume because the courts will expect us to have tried??
Anyone been in this situation. He plans on asking for more time I'm sure(if not Friday then another day.
In my mind he hasn't stuck to current agreement so I'm not really prepared to back down, how will this be viewed??
Ultimately if he does stick to current agreement(which he asked for) for 6 months/a year and ds benefits from it I'm happy to look at increasing it.
More than anything ds needs a good routine and I need freedom to live my life away from him.
Any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.
I plan on outlining concerns at mediation and basically saying what I've said above.
Sorry for the mammoth post. And also if I refuse mediation on the grounds that he is abusive how will this be viewed at court if it gets there?

Aw, thanks for the welcome, you lovely ladies! Am not really able to spend much time here, would love to catch up with what's going on for y'all. He's only here for a week, though (then away for most of the next 4 months! including those two dreaded holidays I've worried about!).

Ok, second installment: yes, it did seem to be all about him. And he thinks he's "a control freak" at work, can see the damage this does to his employees, but can't see he does it at home, in fact thinks I'm the controlling one. Which he has a point about, I think, but if I didn't ask him to do stuff from time to time, what would happen then?

I've been realising though that while he is by nature controlling, I entered the relationship desperate to be controlled, basically. And that's my big problem now: that I don't think I can make it on my own. I want the security of someone to deal with finances, plumbers, and so on.