Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

PS-Charlotte just read that other thread, you poor poor love how awful to go through all that and be seperated from your poor DC for so long I had two very difficult pregnancies too and the day after I had my DS (he had to be resuscitated and me in surgery for ages) FW announced he would like me to go through more IVF to have a third child as soon as DS was 6 months old. I spoke to the surgeon in private about the pressure FW was putting on me and he got really angry about it! The next time FW was in visiting the surgeon told him under no circumstances was I to become pregnant again as it would kill me and baby would not survive and its time for him to put the health and wellbeing of me and DC before his own needs. All truth but didnt stop FW then firing the insults at me on the quiet (still in hospital vvv poorly) not being a real woman as I couldn't give him another child etc etc despite him seeing all the horrendous IVF treatment, miscarriages, complicated pregnancies and life threatening births Id been through all over 3 years non-stop he still wasn't happy. He still isnt happy but I don't give a shit anymore. My body is still recovering from the 3 year battering it took, its time to start healing my mind and body He hardly takes an interest in DC now unless someones watching then hes superdad so don't even know why he wanted more. They are all selfish FW arseholes. Stay strong my love and rebuild your life with your lovely DC, you all deserve better xx

Darkest Welcome and so sorry to read your story, we are all in different situations but it is all equally as bad for each and every one of us so don't feel like you are not welcome - everyone is! There are no judgements made on this thread about whoes situation is worse than anothers, we are all in the same boat. Keep posting and stay strong, you will get some amazing advice and support on this thread. Sorry I can't really offer any expert advice myself but didn't want to ignore your post, my situation is actually the opposite of yours where I am pestered for sex to the point that it is like rape as its so aggressive but someone who has been in a similar situation to you will be along shortly with some words of wisdom. Stay strong and try and get some sleep ((hugs))

Thankyou Maggie. Im sorry to hear what your H is putting you through. (((hugs))) to you too.

Just checking in...

I just received a lovely parcel from a MN secret Santa...what a lovely start to the day I have no idea who nominated me...I'm sure I don't deserve it...

Right, quick question for you all - please help! FW wants to chat - there must be some ulterior motive, unless he's just bored (day off) and wanting to look good; this is most unusual. Have put him off till 9 o'clock tonight. Just checked his latest email and have worked out his reason for calling: he wants us to go on a family holiday for 5 days at the beginning of January. His reasons: needs 5 more days out of the country to be exempt from tax and is already out most of rest of tax year; would be more special with us all (although could take just dcs FW!). My main reason against is that I am leaving him about 3 weeks later (all being well), but I can't say that for obvious reasons! I can only think of shoe shopping as an excuse, but that doesn't take 5 days!

What do I say??

Erm - you need some time on your own without DCs?

Blimey Charlotte thats a tough one. I cant think of anything off hand but will give it some thought.
I made a mistake in my last post. Dh has been disabled for six and a half years not 10. Sorry.
I was crying when i wrote that last night so wasnt concentrating fully.

Charlotte, I second Silvers suggestion - say it would be really nice to have some time alone, some 'me' time, so it would be great for him to take the DCs away for those days.

And a big hug for posting in the thread about poor GettingBig, you too Leclerc. I've been lurking that thread feeling a cold sweat - ever since we got married NSDH has been going on and on about wanting a big family. I used to think his motives were genuine, but knowing what I know now and his general behaviour and attitude towards me while pregnant/giving birth/the first year, I'd be mad to agree. It's very scary.

A bit up and down here both at home and at work. Went out for the day on Sunday to visit some friends with their newborn and DD played up bit time (new level has been hit in toddler tantrums, which are exhausting me). I got £40 out to buy lunch, NSDH went to pay - I know it came to less than the full amount but the change hasn't been put in my purse. I seem to spend so much of my time keeping a close eye on my money so he doesn't rip me off.

And a small question - does anybody else's NSDH/FW force them to kiss him?

I get the 'We don't kiss enough' too Leclerc, and my response is similar to yours. Sometimes we do have a peck on the lips type of kiss, but a lot of the time when I try to withdraw, he holds me there until either he has had enough, or I physically push him away.

It doesn't feel right, feels kind of abusive actually.

I'm thinking ahead to new year - we're going to a party so avoiding the dreaded 'kiss at midnight' is haunting me already

He'd probably follow me! maybe I can find someone else to kiss at midnight, like a frog

Ladies, I am very sorry to report that no bottoms were up last night! I did go out, despite misgivings about DS2 being poorly, but only managed one drink before my dad's frantic phonecalls were heard. I ran home (luckily, just round the corner), DS2 screeeeeeeaming and v upset. It took me longer to get ready that I actually spent out of the house (and DS1 told me I looked wonderful, too...
I think last night either me or DS2 would be lucky if we slept more than half an hour on the trot at any time. It was the night that would not end... This morning took him to doc's, bronchialitis, he's got anti-biotics and a wee inhaler , and now I'm missing the first performance of DS1's school nativity play because he's too poorly to go out (and too unsettled with anyone else). Never mind, I have a doggy-bag of the pizza I ordered but didn't eat for tonight's tea!

And then I went to the solicitor's this morning. My head's reeling, everything is happening at once!!!!! She's going to draft me a letter. But here's something weird. I texted FW to tell him about DS2. His reply? 'I know, I saw your car outside the doctor's'... And then I saw him on his car when I was on my way home, 11.45amish. Why wasn't he at work??? He's a teacher, so it's not like he can just take a day off. And why was he at the doc's???? It's possible, of course, he's simply unwell, but my mind is full of conspiracy, that he's been to the solicitor's too, is trying to get signed off with stress to prove that I'm the one ruining things, etc.

Charlotte, just read your post on the other thread, how awful. My FW 'persuaded' me into trying for a baby before we got married, since we are both older and I'd previously had fertility problems. I got pregnant within a week. I wouldn't be without DS2 of course, but I wonder if things would have been different (ie I would have ended our relationship before we married) if I hadn't been pregnant. And since then, he's talked constantly about having another - even down to discussing it with me (in front of his daughter) the day before he last assaulted me. I can see now how it was another way to control me, both in the sense that if I was pregnant I was tied to him, and also in that he felt I wanted more children so by dangling that carrot (and threatening to remove it - 'no, I don't think we should, I'd be too worried about your health with your SPD next time') he could make me toe the line more.

Nini, yes, FW would insist I kissed him goodnight, even if we'd rowed. And if it wasn't 'warm' enough I got into trouble. In fact, if at any time he felt I wasn't putting enough passion into it maybe because I didnt want to be doing it? I got a stern telling off and had to up the pretence pash-factor.

Epiiiiiic post. Sorry. Desperately trying to get it all done before DS2 wakes from his nap. Hugs to all.

Sorry, just to clarify, FW wasn't on his car, like some kind of stuntman, but was in his car. Like a normal person. Which he isn't.

ponygirl he can't have gone to the same sol, twould be a conflict of interest and they would refuse to act for him, if that's any help.

Poor little DS. And re nativity play (am a total sucker for them and the time DD was Mary I sobbed all the way through )

Silver, I know he wont be using the same solicitor (mine is miles away, lawyer used to work with my aunt so family connection/loyalty), but just the fact that he's potentially visiting one and telling lies about how awful I am makes me nervous and paranoid for some reason. As does the fact he's not at work, although I know it's none of my business any more. But I guess that highlights that.

Luckily, I'll be able to go tomorrow and/or Thursday night to the play, hopefully DS2 will be a little better then and wont be so unsettled/likely to scream the house down if he wakes and I'm not there (which he doesn't usually bother about).