Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Double phew, solicitor responded almost immediately (she usually does, that's why I was hovering in my email nervously because I hadn't heard). She's still sending out the letter today. Yikes! And she's said that she'll also deal with letting FW know about me not being able to provide mid-week contact the week of the funeral, and about me taking DS2 with me to England (if I take him), rather than me having to tell him (since he could technically prevent me taking him, she says she would letter him just a couple of days before so he wouldn't have time to object. Sneaky!). Hurray for more detachment!

Glad you got it all out Leclerc. Sometimes, it just needs to be out of your head, but down somewhere for you to look at it and read back through. I used to keep an online journal while I was with FW (titled 'I know you are reading this you absolute fuckwit, you should be ashamed of yourself' - because I was paranoid he had my passwords but also kind of didn't care!). But now I use this thread as my own personal pensieve.

But I know what you mean. Him being reasonable makes it more difficult for you to feel continually justified in your stance to him. But, crucially, it doesn't make it less justified, just makes you feel that it's less justified! Your narrative about the dishwasher is so familiar, and so normal to all of us, but so not normal in the real world. I've been in a really similar situation - when I hear of friends talking to their husbands about buying things, I get amazed that not everyone's experience is the same as mine!
No wonder you feel conflicted about him being 'reasonable' about it this time around. You just want to shout and scream and say 'you can behave like this now, so why couldn't you before??' But the truth is, he's being reasonable now in order to control you, in the same way that he was unreasonable before. He saw that him being a FW got him what he wanted. He sees now that being 'normal' gets him closer to what he wants (and also still messes with your head - bingo bonus!!!).

Aaaaaaaand breathe! Phew, quite the rant there myself! Feel better!

Oh, and try, I meant to say thanks for DS1's hug! He's a very huggy boy, despite being spitting distance of 7 (FW used to tell me I 'babyed' him and make comments about me still breastfeeding him when he hugged me, grrrrrrrrrr).
He'd gladly give you a hug back!

Haha, Fi, I told him quite firmly that it was fine if he didn't like it, but i did so it was staying on ma heid! But to be fair to him, on the few occasions I go out anywhere, he always tell me I look 'bootiful'. Aw.
The people I've dealt with face-to-face at the council offices have all been really helpful, it's just bureaucratic, and they know it, and apologise for it themselves. Oh well. Fingers crossed this time.
Teapot - that's shockingly awful, the depths that he sunk to. It's hard to believe anyone could be that vindictive, but I guess it's because we wouldn't dream of behaving like that.

Thanks for the heating probs sympathy Princess, much appreciated.

Should probably do something about it, but can't remember who we had out to fix it last time, and it keeps teasing me with signs of life ... A bit like a FW !!
HaHa

Occasional signs of life ... but no real warmth

Oh jeez were burgled in November - I've been left to me to deal with. It's been hell and I can now say there is absolutely no fuckig relationship whatsoever.

Burglary - he was f'cking horribly abusive (and weird) a few days before; of course he finds our home broken into two days later and cccant cope and calls me. Of course.]
Then non helpful all left to me. Actually very difficult to the point that I have call victim support re the burlglary and they can hear him shouting at me itn the background.

So so tired but this is the year I'm gonna be a bitch. alarm people around here right now and 'dh' actually doesn't know how to act (like a human) - he's in bedroom just squirming. He's showing himself up.

Hi everyone, just checking in if that ok.
I'm dealing with an ea ex and at the minute am in a battle over access with him.
It's torrid, I'm tired and anxious constantly and I'm missing my ds who is with his dad tonight.
I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that he can still emotionally abuse me, in fact it's worse at times than when we were together.
I've just had enough and only ds who is beautiful and bright and lovely keeps me going.
Hoping I can gleam some strength from somewhere.
I feel so anxious and low tonight that I just feel I need to talk it out but have got a mammoth thread going in aibu which has proved to be a big help.
Hope you don't mind my joining you all

waves to wereonourway
I'm separated too. Things are not too bad at the moment with access, mainly as he's accepted that he has to go eith what I say to avoid paying thousands (again, 2nd time for him). However, holidays will be a problem as I don't want them away for longer than 24hrs at a time as I don't trust him. I want to be able to go on hols with them though.
It's a minefield, isn't it? I've realised that even though we are divorcing, he will still be a major part of my life for years.
Leclerc, did you email the school?

Liking your NN WereOnOurWay

I'm sure you're very welcome

Waves cheerily to giveitago too - sorry to hear about horrible burglary saga

Heating on the way to being fixed (slowly)
Relationship ? Not so much ?

X post with matchsticks - another great NN !

Why thank you juggling- tis a song sang at my local football club which perfectly represents how I feel about myself and ds being on our way to better things.
It's proving to be a bugger of a journey though!
I'm sick and tired of justifying myself and worrying what the next text will say.
I also know what you mean about holidays, don't even what to think about them at the moment!!

Hope your heating is sorted soon. I'm being a tightwad and wearing socks and a cardi whilst ds I at his dads(who will have the heating blasting and will be sitting in shorts and topless, bork)

Just checking in really. Had a "some good, some bad" day.

I went to the GP and spilled practically everything today, and then almost hyperventilated on the way home. I also took time to go to a friend's house for coffee and had a nice chat. Very supportive friend.

Still detached, but not as upset as yesterday. Probably because I was able to talk about things.

Hope everyone else is okay.

teapot thank you for your words And what a sod your exfw was to try those malicious tricks in an attempt to make you lose your home

leclerc glad you have DW coming, it?s good you can see through his current ?reasonableness? ? that?s always a head fuck with me, when my fw is being reasonable ? though I?m not sure our fws? version of reasonable would appear so to anyone in a normal relationship And your EG about how he would have reacted to the £3 scenario in the old days resonated SO much with me ? my God they?re reading from a bloody script, these fws, aren?t they?!?

Pony thanks for your concern and sympathy and also for the virtual hug from your ds ? my ds is very huggable and loving too and has been very worried today as I?ve had a slightly sore throat, bless him! He asked me if I wanted to take some calpol I am so sorry you had such a miserable time at the council offices. Thank goodness the woman was nice and patient. I know what you?re saying when you say you went all butter fingered and couldn?t get the words out ? that?s what happens to me, too, in that kind of stressful situation.

Fi I agree with what you said to Maggie about her fw probably thinking she?s copying the other escapee wife ? my fw thinks like this too and because one of my best friends in RL is a single mum, he keeps accusing me of ?glamorising? her single life! As though I was a teen and would leave a functioning relationship just to copy a mate ? no, fw, I would leave my relationship because it?s so, so miserable and abusive

juggling horrible to have no heating ? it always happens at the worst times But I had to laugh a bit with you at your comment of no warmth and the occasional signs of life ? that seems to ring a bell about something in my life, too

were and match - how awful that they continue to pull their fwittery even after separation. I bet you don?t regret for a minute though do you

Twelve so glad you were able to tell GP and chat to your friend. You sound like it?s really helped

My fw has screamed at me today because I arranged the carpets to be cleaned ages ago (then forgot ) and the carpet cleaner turned up today. Apparently I should have consulted him (IOW asked him permission, yeah right) and apparently I don?t care about money and just waste it (even though I am paying for sodding carpet cleaner) and apparently January is a ridiculous time to have your carpets cleaned. ?Why are you doing this now?? is what he asks about anything, even if I?m hovering. It?s always the wrong time. I then quickly phoned agents to chase my second viewing appointment and went to view flat. Am feeling scared, need a gentle kick up the bum. I need to phone and make my low offer tomorrow.

Try, more stuff from the FW script I see- I used to get asked why I was doing the dishes/ironing/whatever now? JUST BECAUSE, YOU MORON!

He just rang me to ask after the kids as he won't see them til Sat because of his shifts. I have a rare night out planned to London and am staying out Saturday night. Arrangements were for them to go over Sat lunchtime, stay over and I will collect them Sun early p.m. Yet he says I can bring them over Fri if I want. Push, push, push!
I hope at some point this week he will fill in the Acknowledgment of Service form and just bloody get on with the divorce.
First day back at work today as I took the last 2 weeks of term off as I was so stressed. Boss is sympathetic, but glad I am not still off as Ofsted looms, to add to my stress...

Oooh try tell me about getting carpets cleaned. My plan since FW left was to get them cleaned early this year- funnily enough I thought around now the prices would probably drop, as many people do thorough clean before Christmas [never my style ] But I is a bit scared

I am reading the thread quite often, wow there's quite a lot of us now so many that I will just send general good wishes, peace and strength. Our artist in residence approved her studio/our meditation room yesterday :)

Match - interesting you used to get the same "why now?" crap! They are clearly manufactured at the same place, all these fws!

Silver - carpets are nice and clean now but man said I would have to hoover when dry because "there was a lot of hair in them" - I assume he meant dcat's fur!?! I was hoping I wouldn't have to hoover once man had been in

PS carpet man also totally picked up on the atmosphere. As he filled his tub at the kitchen sink, fw sat in scowling, stony silence at his laptop, not acknowledging the man at all. I was flustered and all over the place. Sigh.

I think it was because if I was doing those things he wasn't getting my full attention . 3 months on Sat since I left. No regrets!

Again, Try, why should you getting the carpets cleaned, even if you forgot and whatever, be such a terrible, terrible thing that would warrant you being screamed at? It shouldn't. I know it's normal life for you, but it's not normal. Good luck for tomorrow.

twelve, glad you told your GP, it's another step on the ladder to freedom, starting to talk to people outside of the 'circle of silence'.

Matchsticks, lordy, ofsted. You know that it'll all happen at once don't you, ofsted and extreme divorce-related FWittery? It always seems to.

Silver, good work on the AiR room. I am ohmmmmming myself to sleep tonight (I needs to!).

My head is just about bursting this evening. My to-do list is never-ending, the number of people I need to contact about something-or-other is just boggling. Sort out dates to arrange DSDs' Christmas present riding experience thingy by end of the month. Sort out flights for the funeral (now purchased). Sort out a present for DS1's birthday next week. Sort out what the blinking hell I'm going to do with him and his friend as a birthday treat no idea. And sort out some bloody work, cos I've had none for about a month and I seriously need to look at my finances. Every time I score something off, something else gets added!!! This is just the kid of situation that would normally drive me to cake, but I am resisting, a small bowl of sweet popcorn and a cup of tea instead. Humph. Hurray for me.

Mine used to demand to know if I'd offered them hot drinks on a regular basis-although the only people he would allow in were British Gas for the boiler as he could do everything else himself. At his leisure and woe betide me if I wanted his time when there were 'jobs to do'. .
I will get workmen in whenever I like once I've bought my own place and leave them gasping for a drink!

Hi ladies.
Sorry to have been silent for a while...have kept abreast of some of your stories and am glad for how you are seeing the behaviours and moving on with your lives.

1 year ago today DC3's BD he ruined her day and behaved so appallingly (in public ) that he hadn't seen them face to face for a year....so guess who turns up unannounced, for 2.5 minutes at the door then hugs DCs and goes away again.?? Yup??

Now let's see who thinks that was for the DC...quite.

Abusers course, anger management 1.5 years of counselling and guess wht...he's still a FW.

May 2013 be better for all of you.
Much love
xxfool

Match and leclerc great to hear the "no regrets" reiterated

Silver did the AiR approve our decor ideas?!

Ah, what the hell would I have done without this thread I know I keep saying it, but it's so enlightening, mentally liberating etc. Random for fool and all on here.

PS bit gutted to see the festive smileys have gone [fsad!]

fool xpost, I was just talking about you

Happy 2013 to you, too. xxx