Support thread for those in emotionally abusive relationships: 14

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
a check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

what couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
should I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Maggie that sounds bonkers! Arguing with himself, lol.

Breathe, Leclerc, remember it's all designed to wind you up. But I know how hard it is when you feel so angry inside. Hope the rest of the day goes better for you. And good on you for getting glammed up on saturday not at all jealous

I'm officially the worst mum in the world today. DD's tantrums just reach higher levels every day, I keep waiting for them to peak and they don't. Had a terrible night so now I'm exhausted, got her to nursery (slipping around on the ice with the pushchair as we go) and before we'd got through the door she kicks off as she didn't bring one of her toys. Cue lots of crying and screaming from her, and clinging to my legs. She keeps doing this every day at drop-off and it's getting on my nerves. So I told her off. The staff are all staring at me and one of them distracted her with something so I could slink away. Felt awful. I am that pikey mother who yells at her kid first thing in the morning while the rich nice mummies in their white BMWs drop off their angelic little ones who never make a fuss.

Hah love the sound of your night out Leclerc, room for one more?

Not a fan of white BMWs myself, but they do seem to be the middle-class rich mummy transport of choice round here. It doesn't help that I have an 'accent' (not from these parts) compared to the other nursery mummies. I do get stared at!

and [mincepie] here

Why no mincepie icon?

trying - DS2 is a bit better, thanks, still v snotty and wheezy but slept better last night (in with me, but I slept better too, eventually...). It's mad that they all demand the pash-factor stuff, isn't it? The irony is, FW and I had a really good sex life, but just like everything else that in itself wasn't enough, and it had to be on demand, what he said when he said, or else there was obviously a problem (with me).

Darkest - I think we can all identify with feeling lonely in a relationship. Hope you're doing ok.

Charlotte - hope all goes well with your phonecall.

Matchstick - stay strong. Trying is right, they all threaten stuff (mine threatened to tell my parents about my past sexual behaviour so they could 'know what kind of person I was' ), I think that kind of threat is hot air. Can you imagine a judge taking that kind of thing on board, much less allowing such crazy ranting?

How is your day going now Leclerc? Hope you're feeling calmer. Am feeling your 'grrrrrr' that he saw your dress, that was a private joy and he's stuck his nose in. FW. I am so there on your night out - I am owed one after missing out on Monday! If it's any help, I promise to get drunker than you, thereby taking all the embarrassing flack.

Haha, my sister has a white BMW, as do gazillions of the mums round here (who are all at the school gates in make-up and straightened hair, my sis included). Not me though, I have something functional that is always dirty and filled with used babywipes (and I never have any make-up on, or my hair brushed).

I had a shower and washed my hair last night (DS1 was out with my parents so had a little 'me' time) and decided to straighten it since I had some time. It still looks quite good today. Of course, I've been nowhere near the school gates today and am sitting here in joggies and an old jumper. Oh well!!!! At least DS2 gets the benefit gets nice clean straight hair to wipe his snot on.

Oh, he does love it, there's nothing better than mummy's clean hair for wiping snot on, unless it's the new top mummy bought and hasn't even tried on yet (and now wont be able to take back because it's more green than black). Oh yes indeedy!

Enjoy your ladies wot lunch, and the concert. You deserve it.
Hope the concert goes ok. FW can go F himself!!!!

Aw enjoy the concert Leclerc!!! You're allowed to cry but better if DS doesnt see it

While we're on the subject of hair washes, forgot to do mine last night so now my hair looks lank and manky. Got to go into a meeting now which is embarrassing!

My NSDH has a 'dance' () that he does to try and 'get me in the mood'. In happier days it just used to make me laugh, now it repulses me. It's never been a turn on watching an overweight man with bad acne scarring jiggle his bits around. And his favourite complaint is "I have needs too!" () - but he's stopped saying that when I pointed out that I don't 'have' to do anything and surely he would prefer it if I wanted to rather than being guilted into it? I said that in the vain hope he would start treating me better so I felt amicable enough towards him to want to have sex. Instead he just stopped asking altogether and now he wanks while we're in bed.

at the dance, Nini - brings a whole new meaning to the expression "doing the dance"!! A bit boakworthy too, though - am so glad reading through that I have a FW with a low libido and possibly also getting it elsewhere. The "needs" complaint is his favourite method of foreplay!

The landlord is happy with my circumstances! Phew! Although, however much I've been dreaming about this and desperately hoping that the dream isn't snatched from me, it's still a bit daunting taking the first steps towards making it a reality.

sofar?!?

Leclerc, so glad you got through the concert, that made me laugh at DS1 rolling his eyes!

Nini, my reaction is exactly the same, I had to go back and reread to make sure I wasn't mistaken! That's just awful, that must make you feel terrible. (As, I'm sure, it is designed to do.) Utter, utter lack of respect for you. FW!

yes Nini another one of those lovely special habits that we are lucky ladies to be witnessing - never heard anyone else complain of that til now; I know it repulsed me at the time, but also was horribly confusing and lonesome, even tho I didn't want to be having sex either!?!!?!

Oh Nini and Fi I have experienced the same on quite a few occasions-him thinking I was asleep-i was really on my side silently crying. Its awful isn't it? Hence why I have been sleeping on the sofa since september. It was either that or heavily pressured into sex

I'm fed up with the tears catching me up again :( I hadn't thought about, its something that took me right bck to the silent crying in bed feeling so wretched and alone whilst he wanked himself to sleep, regularly. I sofa slept for months until I couldn't walk properly my back was so wrecked by it. ... and played the, what 'man' wankerallows a woman to get into this state whilst he sleeps peacefully at night, but I was in so much pain and at wits end with it all. Sad that you both experienced this too.

its awful isn't it? I must admit I am struggling on the sofa at the moment, only getting a few hours sleep a night which makes me zombie mummy. He keeps telling me I can change the whole situation by just getting back into the bed with him (he means sex then he will think about giving me housekeeping money) in other words-behave like a prozzie-who from his internet history, he has a liking for too.

Hello everyone.

I posted here a couple of times at the start of November after I left my abusive husband and his family from Iraq with my young daughter.

I am sorry I vanished I went into a refuge for a few weeks with my baby and didn't have internet access there. I am now living with my lovely sister so I now have internet access back so would like to pop in and share my thoughts and chat with you lovely ladies.

Womens Aid have been great, I am doing the freedom programme, I am having counselling and I am very slowly finding myself again. I am living with my sister now as I really want to be close to her at the moment and my daughter is doing well. Even though I was the subject of the abuse by my husband and his family I see now it had an impact on my daughter being in that environment. She amazes me every day with her courage to do simple, delightful things (like 'sing!' jump on the bed, run around) which she never had the courage to do before.

I marvel at her exploring who she is and it gives me the push I need to do the same.

I haven't had time yet to read the last conversation (13) and have just skimmed this one but I will have a read in the coming days.

I hope that you are all well. The kind words from complete strangers gave me comfort and strength when I needed it the most x

Just back from DS1's nativity. He had lines (narrator), and forgot a word in his first wee bit - looked distraught, poor soul, I felt sick waiting for the next bit, I was so worried for him!

But while I was watching it, I was actually thinking about DS1's nativity last year (camel).
DS2 would have been about 2.5 weeks old. Both me and FW were meant to be going, with DS2 in his car seat. It had been agreed weeks before. I can't remember why, but there was an argument about going. He basically didn't want to go. Decided he wouldn't go. Said he'd stay home with DS2. I said no, it was fine, I'd take DS2 in case he woke up and needed feeding. He said no, I wasn't taking him. There was shouting (him), tears (me, of course), and in the end he threw his hands up and said he'd go. I think that was his plan all along, to go, but make it an issue so it seemed like he was 'saving the day' by going (because I was now a pathetic wreck and struggling to get it together so he 'had' to go). We were very late. I cried all the way there. We were sat in front of my parents, who'd saved us a seat and were getting worried as we were so late. Just looking at my mum, who I knew knew we'd argued from my face, set me off crying again (in the front row of the nativity play). FW had a face like boiling thunder the whole way through it (DS2 unfortunately has his daddy's very piercing frown). DS2's car seat was in front of FW (his choice), we were right in front of the stage so kids were coming off it and past the car seat, FW said if any of the kids bumped into the car seat he was going to kick them - I was so worried that he actually would. They were just kids, he was so aggressive. I felt sick the whole time. I then decided I was going to enjoy the performance and started singing along with the songs (more to try and cheer myself up than any Christmas spirit, believe me I had none last year), that pissed him off even more I think!
I find it hard to think back on these kinds of incidents, they are as if from another life, from someone else's life.

Also, it was just me and my sister there tonight, and it surprised me to realise that I felt uncomfortable. I felt on edge, I was watching what I said. It reminded me of being with FW - I was wracking my brains for safe conversations. The things I did talk about I regretted mentioning - like my new phone that I'm sending back, she told me what I should do in a 'it's up to you but if you don't you're an idiot' kind of way. Interesting. I'm going to try and not get myself in her sole company in future.

But on the upside, I emailed my stepdaughters' mum yesterday and this evening I have a lovely, long and very understanding message back, basically saying that of course I can keep seeing them and she thinks FW is being a FW! Yaaaay!

Hope you've all had a peaceful eve. I'm praying for an easier night, fingers crossed.

Hi Tigris, and glad things are turning out well for you.

There have been a few n changes since you were last here, and we have a vitual commune (well, plans for the thread to invade chill out here as I have a big house, all to myself and DCat. There is a meditation room (artist in residence may be coming tomorrow how do you want it virtually decorated, ladies?

Re the wanking, guess who naively and helpfully cleared a fair number of tissues out of the spare room during the time FW slept there (3 years or so, on and off)?