(Now Ex) DP theatened to harm our dogs

[LulaDoesTheHula]

My now ex DP and I had been struggling with our relationship for quite some months, it all came to a head recently when, after he'd had quite a bit to drink (we'd been out for the evening with family), he became verbally abusive to me (not the first time, I should add). As a family member was present, and it was rather awkward in front of him, I asked him to calm down and we'd discuss it the next day. I thought this was the end of it, and my relative went to bed. But no, my ex DP went to the kitchen, picked up a glass and smashed it in front of me (this has happened before too).

He carried on ranting at me, at which point I (in a still very calm manner) said that I was worried about his recent behaviour, and that one or two friends were too (I probably shouldn't have provoked him any more, but I think I felt I had nothing to lose anymore and I was desperate for him to realise the problem isn't in my head). I should mention he has never physically hurt me.

He went berserk at this point, walked to the kitchen and came back with a massive kitchen knife. I was sat in the corner of the sofa so had no escape, he held it in front of me and said if I didn't tell him who had said these things he would cut the dogs' throats :(

At this point I screamed and my relative came running. He managed to diffuse the situation and we left temporarily with the dogs. He has since moved out and admitted he went "a bit over the top" but seems to have no grasp of the severity of the situation or that it's not alright that he threatened me or to kill the dogs. I (rather stupidly, I know... but I am planning to) have not reported this to the police yet.

I am safe, away from the home we shared, and he doesn't know where I am. Tonight I am planning to go with a friend to collect the dogs (he had them over the weekend and has dropped them off at home for me, as I let him think I am still living there so that I could get them safely away from him tonight).

Now, the problem is, is that one of the dogs was his before we met, the other is very much mine, but they have come to be shared pets. We agreed early on when this all blew up that the dogs should stay together as mine suffers from separation anxiety when left alone, and they are very much like sisters. In his job he goes away for long periods of time and cannot have the dogs with him, nor where he is living. I am also mindful of the fact that he has threatened to hurt them to get at me, I am petrified of this happening again. I will be happier once I have the dogs in my care, but am not sure what to do re arrangements long term. I realise to him it will look like I am 'stealing' the dogs as he won't know where I am staying. I have been their main carer for the past two years and can also take both dogs with me to work every day, so to me it makes sense that I have them, for now at least.

He is already saying we need to decide where the dogs are going and with whom over Christmas and New Year :/ I am stalling for now until I have the dogs safe, saying I don't know my plans yet. His family are all in the picture and being incredibly supportive, and say that they feel the dogs would be better off with me, at least until he has admitted he has problems and has sought help.

Can anyone please give me some advice on how to handle this? Thank you!

ps FWIW both dogs microchips are registered in my name and I have just updated the contact details to my new address - not to get at him, but mainly because if no one is living at our old address then it needs to be changed to something in case of an emergency.

Does he know where you are living ?

If not just take both the dogs and go

Yanbu

Sounds like the dogs are pawns to control you. Take 'em, keep 'em. Cut all ties and contact with him once you've got them.

The idea of him having them for xmas or whatever is ridiculous. He can get another dog.

No, he doesn't know where I am living. I feel a little bad because one of the dogs is 'his' but at the same time, I feel a duty to both dogs as I very much see them both as 'mine' too, so I need to keep them safe. Hope that makes sense?! He is going to go nuts when he realises. He has had problems in the past and has always said that his dog has been the only constant in his life, they are very close, but (and sorry to drip feed) I am not happy with the way in which he always treats the dog - it gets told off when coming back, so is sometimes scared of him, and people, including his own family have noticed that the dog has become much more grumpy and aggressive, we think due to the way it is disciplined by him (I am very much the opposite and use reward-based and consistent training techniques). I know that he will ensure his friends hear only his side of the story and word will get around that I have 'stolen' the dog. His family are on my side, but I am still really worried.

He threatened to cut the dog's throat. It stays with you. Report him to the police, and get it logged.

Thank you everyone. I guess I am just worried about any attempts to come after the dogs or get revenge on me because I know this will hit him very hard (even to the point I fear he could harm himself) - he is quite the story teller and will fabricate all sorts about me, I'm sure. He already has told people I was having an affair - I've never cheated on him, or anyone, because I was sometimes 5-10 mins late home from work.

I am living a little way from him, but he knows places I frequent and where my friends live. I don't want him turning up at any of their houses looking for me. Wish I could disappear with the dogs completely, but cannot afford to at the moment!

We were once very happy, so it is so sad that it has come to this, for us both, and the dogs who are like children to us :(

I know what I am going to do, i.e. get the dogs and keep them safe, I just don't know how to handle the fallout from it :/

You have the microchip stuff to back up claims of ownership, so go legal on his arse if he tries anything.

If he harasses you or friends, it is ok to call the cops on him, you know. Tell your friends/family what he is like and that he frightens you, make sure they will call the cops or the like if he turns up. If they are less than supportive and you can't rely on them not to tell him where you are, then don't tell them where you are or cut them out.

He is a violent, abusive man - smashing things, verbal abuse and threats to kill pets are forms of intimidation, violence & abuse - and are strong indicators that he is capable of physical violence, even if he has never hit you thus far. So stay far away, stop contact and if he tries anything get the police & legal involved.

OK, so things have progressed with all of this. He was arrested and interviewed but released a few hours later as they said no one could corroborate my story re the knife. The police phoned me to say that he had said it was best that I have the dogs.

In the meantime, I am now living with a friend (he can probably guess where, too) and trying to sort myself out but am physically and mentally exhausted - not sleeping or eating well, etc but am doing my best. Moving house to get away from him (at police's advice) has finished me off :( I need to get myself to a doctor next week before I fall apart completely.

He started messaging my friend towards the end of last week saying he wanted the dogs at the weekend and on Monday. She asked him for a bit more time so I could get myself sorted out and then we can come to some arrangement. His family agree that he needs to calm down a bit and then it will be easier to make a plan. My friend very politely told him that everyone needs a bit of time out and then it is very likely that he'll get to see the dogs. He has ignored all of this, and has now sent a message that if arrangements are not made by 6pm today for him to have the dogs, or at least one of them, he will start legal proceedings. How can I do this when he's threatened to kill them once already? :(

His mother has told him on my behalf that I am trying to sort out arrangements for him to hopefully have one of the dogs on Monday - I don't want to see him so need to find someone else to meet up with him for me. It's not as easy as he thinks though, where I am living temporarily I do not know many people and my friend is very uncomfortable with the idea of him coming to her house (we also do not want him to know where I am living). He went berserk at his mother telling her that the police have me down as a neurotic woman and that I stole his dog. She said "Lula is willing for you to have the dog, but doesn't want to see you, is there anyone else you can get to fetch the dog?" he said "I'm not talking anymore to you now, keep out of it". He then sent her a text saying "thanks for making things worse. Don't get in touch with me until I show up at yours."

The police said it was up to me what I decided to do about the dogs, their only role now is to keep me safe (am under the safeguarding team). They are aware he has been in touch via my friend and have told me to keep a record of everything in case it becomes harrassment. They said if I don't want contact I just need to tell him, and then if he continues, it becomes harrassment. I don't really want anything to do with him, he scares me, and I feel sick every time I see his face in my head. But if I ignore him, he will pursue me via a solicitor for the dogs and I cannot let him take them, after the way he has treated them.

Help! I don't know what to do and am panicking and only have a few hours to make a decision :(

Is your relative who was present during the knife incident not willing to make a statement?

The police are not interested in contacting him as they said he didn't see the knife, though he did hear everything that was said up until then. It feels like a lost cause, he has (as I and his family feared) managed to charm them into thinking I am just some over emotional woman telling tales. I am devastated as he will be free to behave like this to the next woman who comes along in his life :(

I would treat it all as harrasment. If he contacts you re the dogs just say no he is not having them and you don't want to talk to him and will report any further contact from him to the police as harrasment, whether it is about the dogs or not. And then disengage, don't respond to anything. Will he really spend money on a solicitor trying to get a dog back from you? especially if you are not engaging and he therefore can't use it as a tool to harrass and intimifdate you?

All I want is to keep the dogs safe. Friends are worried that he will use them like a carrot dangled in front of me in order to continue exerting control over me. his family are concerned that one of the dog's has become more grumpy recently (nothing bad, doesn't bite people or anything, just a bit growly). We are all sure this is a result of him trying to "dominate" the dogs - pinning them down, shouting at them, throwing them across the room (not very hard but enough to scare them) and generally taking his anger out on them :( So you can see, I am very wary of him having them. Where he lives (now in work accommodation) he cannot have dogs, has erratic hours and goes away for months at a time, so would not be able to care properly for a dog.

Oh Lula, I have no advice I'm afraid but didn't want to read and not post. My main feeling is that you need to not be doing 'dog swaps' or the like as he will use that as a means to further abuse and terrorise you. I'd look into getting an injunction for him to keep away.

Can you get any legal advice? Many solicitors offer an initial free half hour. And maybe contact women's aid?

Please do not have any contact with this man. Stay strong x

'At this point I screamed and my relative came running. He managed to diffuse the situation and we left temporarily with the dogs'

would ^ this relative not collaborate? Surely the police should have taken a statement?

'He was arrested and interviewed but released a few hours later as they said no one could corroborate my story re the knife.'

Keep safe and it may be a good idea to cut contact (change phone no, lock down any online profiles you may have), speak to a solicitor to log events, police ref number, etc. if he continues harassment keep all communication as proof and file charges.

Oh god what a pants situation.
I managed to get the chip swapped on my cat from my abusive ex to my name no problem at all, i explained the situation.
We also shared a dog that unfortunately i couldnt take with me, so after he had him for 4 months he couldnt cope so asked me to rehome him. I did, but kept in touch with the new owners, he had developed all sorts of behaviour problems from those 4 months as a result of being abused.
Get the dogs away and keep them away xxxx I dont know if its worth talking to the RSPCa about this, keep it hypothetical and vague about who you are as sometimes i know they can be heavy handed.
Good luck xxxx

Sorry no real advice but just wanted to say I would just log everything and ignore. Do not let him have the dogs or even 1 of them.
Keep safe.

Thank you for your advice everyone, I am overwhelmed by the support. It took me a lot even to go to the police, and the whole thing has been massively stressful (let alone having to leave my home and also give up my business for now as it was in the area where he is).

His mother said when she spoke to him last night that she could hear the red mist descending. I can understand why he is angry, but he was the one who said I should have the dogs - I didn't even ask the question, it was the police who told me what he had said.

I think I am just scared of what he might do now :( my friend doesn't even want us to stay in her house tonight as she is worried that come 6pm, all hell will break lose and he will be getting in touch again.

His mother said she's just had a message from him inviting her to come and visit him for a few days. She said "If I come down at least we'll know what he's up to. It sounds like he's calming down and he also spoke about having dogs occasionally. So the message I sent this morning must have got him thinking (I am not sure what she said, just to calm down and he might see dogs). I would imagine he is expecting a text from your friend, I did say she'd be in touch regarding dropping both dogs off for him to see x"

Now I really don't know what to do. I know his mum thinks seeing the dogs might calm him down but I am still anxious, as it's so soon after everything has happened (though in his head nothing much has happened and he's been telling people that the police "massively over reacted".

I am worried I am going to come across to everyone as being the unreasonable one, partly because I think I was feeling bullied into letting him see the dogs, and was trying to think if I could arrange this. Now it seems she's told him that's what I'll be doing and I will look like I am playing games, when actually I was just trying to figure out the best thing to do but making a bit of a mess of it. I am so confused :(

Oh gosh, poor poor you. I really really feel for you. I know this is not where you want to be in the slightest but i think holiday inn (and express) let you take dogs.

You have done the right thing to take the dogs, and to contact the police. Tell him you want no further contact and report him to the police again for harassment if he won't leave it.

If he threatened to cut the dog's throat, he is a vicious bastard and I would take that seriously. Who cares whose dog it was originally, you are protecting it and I doubt any court would advocate giving him anything given the circumstances.

Now you need to completely cut contact, gather support around you and stay safe. Any hint of threats or harassment call the police. I would also recommend contacting Womens Aid.

Well done for getting away. Your life and your dogs lives will get so much better now. Just hang on in there and take no shit.

Dont be bullied and stay strong. xx

while you get yourself settled and sorted out, don't agree to anything. If he comes to the door, don't answer it and phone the police immediately to have him removed - it will be logged as intimidation and harrassment, even if you've not spoken to him or opened the door.

And in the meantime, buy this today and read it. Give yourself a week after you have read it cover to cover (if you can) before you contact him. You may decide you don't want to after all.

Abusive men are more or less the same - their behaviours are very predictable, and right now he is following a script of intimidation in an attempt to persuade you to back down. Although you are in the hard part now, breaking away, if you can get through this safely and restart your life (with your dogs!) you will have achieved something very important. Don't give in for fear over the dogs - they are only being used to wear you down. He doesn't love them, he only feels he 'owns' them. In a similar way, sadly, he doesn't love you either, but it's likely he believes he owns you too.

Also, who gives a shit what anybody else thinks of you or how you come across. This isn't their life, and the way I dealt with it was to think that if someone knew me but chose to believe him, that showed me what sort of person they were and their opinion ceased to be important. And if it was someone I didn't know, I cared even less, as I didn't know them so they could believe what they wanted.

Trust your instincts. Don't let him have the dogs if you don't want to, and don't be manipulated into doing anything you're not happy with.

Who would get the dogs to him?

From experience it may just be a ruse to get close to you.

You could get a friend or relative to be with the dogs, or just let all he'll break lose and report to the police.

He should show a consistent change in behaviour before being allowed with the dogs.