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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

(Now Ex) DP theatened to harm our dogs

252 replies

LulaDoesTheHula · 09/12/2012 15:06

My now ex DP and I had been struggling with our relationship for quite some months, it all came to a head recently when, after he'd had quite a bit to drink (we'd been out for the evening with family), he became verbally abusive to me (not the first time, I should add). As a family member was present, and it was rather awkward in front of him, I asked him to calm down and we'd discuss it the next day. I thought this was the end of it, and my relative went to bed. But no, my ex DP went to the kitchen, picked up a glass and smashed it in front of me (this has happened before too).

He carried on ranting at me, at which point I (in a still very calm manner) said that I was worried about his recent behaviour, and that one or two friends were too (I probably shouldn't have provoked him any more, but I think I felt I had nothing to lose anymore and I was desperate for him to realise the problem isn't in my head). I should mention he has never physically hurt me.

He went berserk at this point, walked to the kitchen and came back with a massive kitchen knife. I was sat in the corner of the sofa so had no escape, he held it in front of me and said if I didn't tell him who had said these things he would cut the dogs' throats :(

At this point I screamed and my relative came running. He managed to diffuse the situation and we left temporarily with the dogs. He has since moved out and admitted he went "a bit over the top" but seems to have no grasp of the severity of the situation or that it's not alright that he threatened me or to kill the dogs. I (rather stupidly, I know... but I am planning to) have not reported this to the police yet.

I am safe, away from the home we shared, and he doesn't know where I am. Tonight I am planning to go with a friend to collect the dogs (he had them over the weekend and has dropped them off at home for me, as I let him think I am still living there so that I could get them safely away from him tonight).

Now, the problem is, is that one of the dogs was his before we met, the other is very much mine, but they have come to be shared pets. We agreed early on when this all blew up that the dogs should stay together as mine suffers from separation anxiety when left alone, and they are very much like sisters. In his job he goes away for long periods of time and cannot have the dogs with him, nor where he is living. I am also mindful of the fact that he has threatened to hurt them to get at me, I am petrified of this happening again. I will be happier once I have the dogs in my care, but am not sure what to do re arrangements long term. I realise to him it will look like I am 'stealing' the dogs as he won't know where I am staying. I have been their main carer for the past two years and can also take both dogs with me to work every day, so to me it makes sense that I have them, for now at least.

He is already saying we need to decide where the dogs are going and with whom over Christmas and New Year :/ I am stalling for now until I have the dogs safe, saying I don't know my plans yet. His family are all in the picture and being incredibly supportive, and say that they feel the dogs would be better off with me, at least until he has admitted he has problems and has sought help.

Can anyone please give me some advice on how to handle this? Thank you! Xmas Confused

OP posts:
TheFollyfootandtheivy · 22/12/2012 11:45

Just wanted to wish you all the very best, am so impressed with your bravery (had an abusive X myself and know what its like). Re the phone calls, just as a short term measure, you can block numbers directly from some phones - eg can with Samsung SII. I know this is only a tiny part of what you are going through, but thought it might help you get a bit of peace right now Smile

All the very best to you x

WankinginaWinterWonderland · 22/12/2012 11:51

Thank you Lula Xmas Grin

Another example I can give you is my DC, my X did threaten me with a Lawyers letter, I was terrified, he wanted access to Dc unsupervised for 6 hours, DC did not want to, if they had I still would not have allowed unsupervised so I had to protect them so said 'no take me to court' this was in June/July, he has still not taken me to Court!

These people are generally full of threats, accusations, insults and abuse, and do very little action wise. Stay strong. Xmas Smile Drink Wine also, get them blocked and start relaxing a little! It's almost Christmas never too early for Wine except for me, I have erm.. went OTT!

LulaDoesTheHula · 22/12/2012 15:22

So the latest is that the police have warned his mother again about the harassment. Apparently she thought it was just yesterday she mustn't contact me, and that today was okay Xmas Confused also that she'd not said anything bad to me. The police officer who spoke to her said "she's not the brightest is she?" Xmas Grin

They have told her that even a blank text message can be taken as harassment and not to contact me again.

I don't know whether she's gone home yet or not, I am sure they will all be fuming about me over their Christmas lunch next week. It makes me feel very sad as I am not a nasty person at all - she even told me I was too good for her son, before all this blew up!

So now I am feeling a bit drained from it all and uneasy about what will happen next, if anything. I think the only certain thing is that I am going to have a large glass of wine tonight and try to relax a little, just so on edge still though.

OP posts:
WankinginaWinterWonderland · 22/12/2012 15:31

Sounds like shull-bite Lula! Have you changed numbers yet? Or are you going to see if she behaves?

Try have a relaxing chilled night if possible and I hope you now have an nu-eventful day!

WankinginaWinterWonderland · 22/12/2012 15:31

You can tell by your posts you are not a nasty person Lula! Don't even go there...

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome · 22/12/2012 15:55

They've made it painfully obvious they don't give a shiny shite about what you think so I wouldn't waste any energy worrying about what they think of you. Well done to sticking to your guns and calling them on their silly (unlawful!) games.

FiercePanda · 22/12/2012 16:00

Let them fume, love. They're not fuming because they don't have the dogs, they're fuming because they haven't won - you haven't fallen back under your ex's spell.

Once you get your new phone number and have deleted/blocked any way for them to contact you I would be very surprised if you hear anything else from your ex or his mother. He won't be willing to fork out the money to take it to court - that was just a threat to try to make you fall into line. He'll soon find another distraction - new gf, new dog, who knows?

Try to relax and concentrate on enjoying the next week or two. Enjoy your Wine too! Xmas Grin

ladyWordy · 22/12/2012 16:59

Well said, FiercePanda. Winning is all these two want: they have no real interest in this poor dog, only in harassing you.

Lula, am hugely relieved you didn't go along with their wishes. Very, very relieved for your dogs too. Raising a Wine to you!

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 22/12/2012 17:15

Lula, well done sticking to what you know is right, and I am glad you are getting support from the police.

Re: being worried that why will call you nasty over their Christmas lunch. yes, they will. Who cares what they think?. They are controlling, harassing, not-very-bright people, one of whom threatened your life and that of your dogs. Their opinion of you is not worth caring about.

They will never see the error of their ways, and the right of yours. That is a fact. Therefore, it should not upset you: if we spend our time ingesting about the inevitable, then we lead very unhappy lives indeed.

Free yourself of any concern regarding what these people think of you.

(PS: we here think you're ace)

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 22/12/2012 17:15

*angsting, not ingesting. WTF, autocorrect?

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 22/12/2012 19:37

Well done Lula!!! A Wine and Thanks for you.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle · 22/12/2012 20:41

Glad you stood your ground and that the Police supported you.

Now relax, enjoy that Wine tomorrow is a new day and the beginning of a life where you do not have to put up with that kind of crap anymore.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle · 22/12/2012 20:46

Glad you stood your ground and that the Police supported you.

Now relax, enjoy that Wine tomorrow is a new day and the beginning of a life where you do not have to put up with that kind of crap anymore.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle · 22/12/2012 20:48

Whoops didn't mean to post twice, well at least you got 2 glasses of wine!

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 22/12/2012 21:53

Yup, people like this will generally fuck off if stonewalled hard enough. And if they don't fuck off, well, then they will go to prison. You have the law 100% on your side, you really do: no one is entitled to pursue contact with someone who doesn't want to see or speak to them. And even if they did decide to take you to court over the ownership of the dog, it would take a while, cost them money and you would win due to the evidence of their sustained harassment and his violence and threats. He won't bother. He will scurry off to find someone else or some other pet to mistreat. Block and ignore all the way, you are free of these stupid, horrible people - and the poor bloody dog is safe and happy with you as well.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 23/12/2012 01:49

Oh Lula I'm so glad you didn't hand over the poor dog.

You would be signing you and the dog up to years of "custody" mindgames and controlling bullshit.

Your relationship with X is over. He has proven himself totally unfit to care for the dog. You should never contact any of them again.

The legal threats are complete bullshit. More ILLEGAL intimidation.

Your best defence against this is just to keep ignoring them and reporting their harassment.

Aussiebean · 24/12/2012 00:18

Hi lula. Just popping into say I'm thinking if you and well done. None of this was easy but you are doing a great job.

Also don't worry about what they think of you. There are some people whose opinion of you matter (prospective employer for example) abusive and harassing people's opinion does not.

LulaDoesTheHula · 24/12/2012 12:32

OMG just had a call exP's local police, he has been there this morning to make an allegation of domestic abuse against me! Apparently I slapped him and hit him with a hockey stick!!! He doesn't want to make a formal complaint or statement, but wanted it noted, so the police are obliged to speak to me. Of course it's all false (they all say that though, right?! lol).

I have no idea when this was supposed to have happened, no date was mentioned. I am horrified and devastated that he could stoop so low. The police said it's turning into a bit of a tit for tat affair. Am sure he is trying to upset me, so that I just say "enough" and give him the dog.

As I said to the police, it was them that passed on the message that the dog is best off with me, and that I had let exP and his mother know that I needed a bit of time to sort myself out and then we'd discuss the dogs, which they didn't respect, and now to get one over on me he's done this. I am sure he's done it in advance of taking legal action against me, so that we look as bad as each other in the police's eyes and so it's been noted that I also have violent tendencies. I've never hit anyone in my life, let alone with a hockey stick :( Vile man.

OP posts:
Leverette · 24/12/2012 12:40

This reply has been deleted

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WankinginaWinterWonderland · 24/12/2012 12:49

Aww Lula Sad

They do this, I am abusive as well,Hmm I have no idea what I have apparently done I emotionally abusive my X, but please try not let this spoil your Christmas, easier said than done, he is just trying to get to you in any way possible, please attempt to ignore him, what a prat!

Lueji · 24/12/2012 13:29

He has no evidence. Don't worry.

A hokey stick would have left a big bruise.

In all of this they have been the ones harassing you. You left and have avoided contact.
It won't stick.

Xales · 24/12/2012 13:38

He is now using the police to try and harass you further.

I would phone the local police/officer who is dealing with all this and let them know that he has done this now.

Don't worry the police, judges etc will have seen it all before and know exactly what his game is.

Just stick to the not replying/answering and let them hang themselves.

Sad sad people who have nothing better in their life.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle · 24/12/2012 13:47

Get the Police force that you have been in contact with to contact his local one. It will soon be apparent that he is lying, if this had happened why is this the first mention of it? Hope he gets prosecuted for wasting Police time.

If you haven't already phoned that solicitor Trevor Cooper that I linked to You should leave a message today that can be picked up in the New Year so you can get free legal advice.

Have you had any specialist domestic violence team support from the Police or are you in contact with Women's aid?

Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells · 24/12/2012 17:54

What an arse. I'm sorry you're going through this.

xxx

Aussiebean · 25/12/2012 01:26

Time to get angry and put your fighting hat on. How dare he.

Tell the police he needs to prove it. Gather all your evidence from his mum, emails and texts and hold tight. He will need to prove it. And he can't.

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