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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

(Now Ex) DP theatened to harm our dogs

252 replies

LulaDoesTheHula · 09/12/2012 15:06

My now ex DP and I had been struggling with our relationship for quite some months, it all came to a head recently when, after he'd had quite a bit to drink (we'd been out for the evening with family), he became verbally abusive to me (not the first time, I should add). As a family member was present, and it was rather awkward in front of him, I asked him to calm down and we'd discuss it the next day. I thought this was the end of it, and my relative went to bed. But no, my ex DP went to the kitchen, picked up a glass and smashed it in front of me (this has happened before too).

He carried on ranting at me, at which point I (in a still very calm manner) said that I was worried about his recent behaviour, and that one or two friends were too (I probably shouldn't have provoked him any more, but I think I felt I had nothing to lose anymore and I was desperate for him to realise the problem isn't in my head). I should mention he has never physically hurt me.

He went berserk at this point, walked to the kitchen and came back with a massive kitchen knife. I was sat in the corner of the sofa so had no escape, he held it in front of me and said if I didn't tell him who had said these things he would cut the dogs' throats :(

At this point I screamed and my relative came running. He managed to diffuse the situation and we left temporarily with the dogs. He has since moved out and admitted he went "a bit over the top" but seems to have no grasp of the severity of the situation or that it's not alright that he threatened me or to kill the dogs. I (rather stupidly, I know... but I am planning to) have not reported this to the police yet.

I am safe, away from the home we shared, and he doesn't know where I am. Tonight I am planning to go with a friend to collect the dogs (he had them over the weekend and has dropped them off at home for me, as I let him think I am still living there so that I could get them safely away from him tonight).

Now, the problem is, is that one of the dogs was his before we met, the other is very much mine, but they have come to be shared pets. We agreed early on when this all blew up that the dogs should stay together as mine suffers from separation anxiety when left alone, and they are very much like sisters. In his job he goes away for long periods of time and cannot have the dogs with him, nor where he is living. I am also mindful of the fact that he has threatened to hurt them to get at me, I am petrified of this happening again. I will be happier once I have the dogs in my care, but am not sure what to do re arrangements long term. I realise to him it will look like I am 'stealing' the dogs as he won't know where I am staying. I have been their main carer for the past two years and can also take both dogs with me to work every day, so to me it makes sense that I have them, for now at least.

He is already saying we need to decide where the dogs are going and with whom over Christmas and New Year :/ I am stalling for now until I have the dogs safe, saying I don't know my plans yet. His family are all in the picture and being incredibly supportive, and say that they feel the dogs would be better off with me, at least until he has admitted he has problems and has sought help.

Can anyone please give me some advice on how to handle this? Thank you! Xmas Confused

OP posts:
Lueji · 21/12/2012 00:39

Oh, and turn your phone off/put in silence mode and go to sleep. :-)

DontYouJingleMyChristingle · 21/12/2012 00:42

Lula do you see it is all still about him and how he feels.

I know you have a close relationship with his mother, but she is his mother and will look after her son's interests plus she cops the fall out because she doesn't challenge his behaviour.

She will not see your needs in this, she is not acknowledging how you feel in this at all.

You need to stop contact with her too.

He is using her, the dogs, your friend, his friends to get back in control of you.

Don't you see how much of your time and energy he is consuming even without contact.

That time and energy you could spend looking after yourself.

Tell her no and that you need to not have contact while you sort yourself out.

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 00:45

Okay thank you :) as I wasn't sure what to do I was going to sleep on it anyway, thought if I do nothing then I can't be accused of doing anything!

I am just so fed up with being manipulated and desperate for my life back. Yes, I am also very sad about the dogs - I have only cried about them, and not about him at all - but he doesn't seem to be showing any remorse whatsoever for how he behaved (as per the rest of our relationship - he never said sorry once, only "you drove me to do it", that sort of response).

I would be more inclined to meet him halfway and let him see them if he showed that he was sorry and was going to get help for his various issues. But right now we are back at square one and I cannot do it anymore. It is driving me nuts! I thought I was making progress today, getting on with trying to re-build my life (not easy when everyone around you is is in the Christmas spirit!), and now I feel like I am trapped all over again :(

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 21/12/2012 00:55

Oh, poor you. :( just stick to police advice.

Now I'm going to be rude about this lady, his mum. Brace yourself!

She is talking absolute drivel. Sheer unmitigated nonsense.

  1. You are not letting others rule you. If you did what she wanted, you would be. Stick to your guns.

She is trying to railroad you. She refuses to take your 'no' for an answer, which is a sign of a bully in any situation. Please ignore her.

  1. You DO NOT need someone mature to look after you. What nonsense Angry I'm guessing you're quite young because these people are running you so ragged, but you are an ADULT and you sound very clear headed to me.
  1. It doesn't matter a shred whether the police 'know' this man or not. He made a threat, with a knife. That's all they need to know. End of discussion.

Please don't let your heart rule your head, or feel empathy where it is not due. Listen to the police, and yourself, and try not to engage.

You are doing so well, truly - don't let them mess with your head! Brew

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 21/12/2012 00:56

Definitely sleep on it, and in the morning send his mother a message along the lines of 'I'm sorry that you are being distressed by this, but I do not want any form of contact with [your son] and will report any attempts by him to contact me, directly or indirectly, to the police. Please leave me alone from now on.'

And then do not respond to any messages, phone calls, emails etc, just log and report to the police. It's fine to cut these people right out of your life. They can be forced to leave you alone, because you have a legal right to ignore people you want to be free of (unless you are the co-parent of children, which you are not: he has no legal claim on the dogs because you have all the paperwork in your name.)

DontYouJingleMyChristingle · 21/12/2012 01:01

You are not trapped, this is how he wants you to feel.

There is nothing legal he can do to you to get the dogs.

You have moved, you have your belongings, you do not have to see him or have contact with him or anyone associated for him.

Stop feeling guilty, if he cared so much about those poor dogs he wouldn't have abused them.

Same goes for you.

He does not care about you so why do you owe him so much consideration?

Stop contact.

Get some counselling to help you.

Put yourself first.

Aussiebean · 21/12/2012 01:03

She is the one who is deluded.

One sentence she says you are letting people rule you. And then tells you that you need someone more mature to look after you. Does she realised how mixed up that is? She probably doesn't know what he is doing to your friend and threatening your sis

I'm afraid you can't rely on her to be on your side. Disengeg from her and look after yourself

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 01:03

I'm early 30s and like to think that I am not immature, I've always lived pretty independently, have a degree, had a good career (before I met him and moved away from my job!), then had my own business. I like to think that I know my own mind, even if I don't always express my feelings very strongly.

I think I just feel so hurt that after everything that has happened, they are more worried about him getting to see the dogs than the fact that he could have got put away for domestic abuse and is very lucky! And now I am the villain in all of this Sad

OP posts:
HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 21/12/2012 01:09

"MIL,

Please know that I have always liked you and got on with you and I am so glad we have been such good friends. You are a lovely person.

However, the dogs and I have both been threatened by XP.

We are not safe around him. We will not, any of us, be seeing him again.

If he cannot accept this we intend to use the full force of the law to protect us from threats and/or harassment.

Again, I hope you do not see my stance as a reflection on you, and I understand that as XP's mother you need to support him now. But my relationship with him is completely over and I am never going to contact him again.

I think, for the purposes of my recovery right now, it would be best if you and I also did not have contact for a while. Thank you so much for everything, I wish you all the best,

Lula"

Seriously Lula, never speak to him again and USE THE LAW that is there to protect you and these poor animals from this fuckwit.

Aussiebean · 21/12/2012 01:36

It is so much easier to blame your unreasonableness, then have to face the fact that your son is being a violent arse. Because then, as parents, you take some of that responsibility and fault. Whether that is right or wrong is not the issue. The fact is, you are easier to blame before him and herself.

Keep strong and keep safe and then ignore her. Or send a final message saying goodbye to her. But know you are doing the right thing.

Aussiebean · 21/12/2012 02:00

Does he have a sister? If so, You could ask his mother that if her daughter came to her and said her boyfriend did what ex did ( and you could list it all) ask her if she would still advise her daughter to ignore the advice of the police?

GoldenFrankincenseAndMyrrh · 21/12/2012 08:30

^ That - tell her what holdme said. It acknowledges that you are fond of her but that as her loyalties understandably lie with her own son, she can't mediate between you. She needs to know, very definitely, that this stops now - no meetings, no dog access, no further discussion of him with you. I know it's hard to cut her off when you've been close, but she can't be a friend to you at the moment; her loyalties aare too divided.

AgathaHoHoHo · 21/12/2012 09:11

I think no reply is the best course of action. Every reply from you, any attempt at placating him, is just prolonging this for everyone involved. Sticking the plaster back down to pull it up slowly again. You have made your position clear, you have done the right thing with regard to the dogs, the police are involved and rightly so - all good. Now you need to make the clean break. Block her on facebook, in fact block anyone who could try to manipulate you in this situation. Delete texts before you read them if possible. Don't answer calls for any of them.

Would it be possible to change your number?

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 21/12/2012 09:41

I was going to suggest you change your number.

I had a phone I left on just so my Ex could text away and it would not affect me,it did though, I would look at it every few days and every text affected me, so that went off too, then he started with DS phone, so that went off also...

What I am trying to say is 'no contact' works wonders. You have done nothing wrong here, his Mother may acknowledge her DS is 'unwell' but she has no clue really, I would suggest texting or writing message suggested and perhaps put a line about police advising you to keep dogs then change your number and block the Mother on Facebook, not forever just until you are feeling stronger.

Sorry this is happening to you at Christmas but try get that phone off and not forget but concentrate on you for a few days. You have done nothing wrong here at all, keep that at the front of you mind.

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 09:42

It gets worse...!!!

I told his mum last night that the police have advised me not to meet with her and so I would not be. Also that if she is that concerned for her son, she needs to report it to the police, not me.

She has now messaged me this morning to say she is on her way and wants me to meet her. Then another message to say she can see the signs for my town (which is on the way to his) Xmas Shock

I have logged it with the police!

She knows my friend's address as she has posted things there in the past - and it wouldn't be hard to her to find out anyway as my ex and all his friends know the address from days gone by when we were all friends!

I am staying in the house and just hoping she doesn't drive around looking for my car! Can't believe she has come all the way when I told her not to bother, and that the police had advised she shouldn't. Ridiculous. For all she knows I am living miles away and nowhere near where she thinks I am!

So fed up with all of this! She thinks I am being childish by not returning the dog, but, as the police have just said to me, no one seems to be considering my feelings in all of this, or the fact that he previously threatened to kill the dogs!

OP posts:
Selks · 21/12/2012 09:52

Jesus, she does not know when to give up! If by any chance she does find her way to yours DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR, DO NOT SPEAK TO HER. Just pretend to be out. You could call the police now and inform them that she is coming despite police advice and see if they will call her and instruct her not to come.

This woman is deluded; she thinks she can make everything alright again and is getting seriously over-involved. Lula please cut all ties with her as she will just get you embroiled in it all and put you at risk. She cannot see the risk that you are under. She just wants to make things right for her boy.

Please change your phone number. Just get a new sim card - you can get free pay as you go ones.

You are mature and you are handling thinsg very well - how rude and patronising of her to suggest otherwise. The good relationship you had with her is in the past - cut ties with her now.

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 10:02

I have told the police already. Told them that I have it in writing that I politely advised her last night not to come and that I would not be meeting with her, and that this advice had come from the police officer who had spoken with her son regarding the messages he had been sending to my friend (I thought I would drop that in, in case she had no idea he had been behaving like that). Police said I was doing everything exactly right and to continue ignoring her.

They said if she turns up, to dial 999 and someone will come and deal with her.

That's my handy tip for the day for keeping the in-laws away this Christmas Xmas Grin

This is the last thing I needed today, I just wanted a day of peace and quiet, as got job applications to get on with and wanted to walk the dogs without fear that someone is coming looking for me!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 21/12/2012 10:07

I think Selks has the right of it. That really is a bit disturbing. What's she going to do if she finds you, then? Make a scene on your friend's doorstep?

I wonder if she's actually a bit, how shall we put this, confused? I mean, she's fixating on this dog issue to a peculiar degree. She seems to have convinced herself that if only her son can see his dog everything will magically come right for him. That's not exactly rational, is it?

Anniegetyourgun · 21/12/2012 10:10

X-posted, oh good.

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 10:11

Yes Annie, that's exactly what she thinks - that if she can only see the dog, it will pacify him. Never mind how I am feeling right now :/

OP posts:
LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 10:13

She said "he is getting extremely upset as he wants to see dogs for Christmas and bring them up here, so I'm coming down to stop him doing anything stupid xx I don't want any trouble, it can be solved by you and me working together. You have my word that both dogs will be returned to you, honest"

Xmas Hmm
OP posts:
LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 10:14

I meant if only HE can see the dog!

OP posts:
NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 21/12/2012 10:16

Can you go out and move your car, even just a little bit away from where you are? Actually maybe not if she is on her way, just stay away from the door and out of sight of the windows, hopefully she will come and go soon, glad you have phoned the police,keep the phone with you if possible. She is now sounding like she is trying to scare you, what par of NO does she not understand....

She is starting to sound as deluded as him, I agree you need to cut ties from them both. Don't let them get you down.

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 10:21

I am not at the friend's that she has the address for but I am nearby. There isn't anywhere I can move my car to v easily without walking far (we are quite rural).

Cannot believe she decided to come after I told her the police said not to! As far as I can make out her son as no idea she's coming either, so it's going to antagonise him even more!

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 21/12/2012 10:25

Good grief, you shouldn't have to put up with all this, Lula.
She's just like her son, isn't she. Nasty, manipulative, underhand threats being more her style .... I'm coming anyway, I can see the signs to your town. Ugh.

You have my word... Oh sure! Another sign of a bully. The false promise.

She is a piece of work. Angry I like your handy tip for the in-laws, sounds more than appropriate.
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