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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

(Now Ex) DP theatened to harm our dogs

252 replies

LulaDoesTheHula · 09/12/2012 15:06

My now ex DP and I had been struggling with our relationship for quite some months, it all came to a head recently when, after he'd had quite a bit to drink (we'd been out for the evening with family), he became verbally abusive to me (not the first time, I should add). As a family member was present, and it was rather awkward in front of him, I asked him to calm down and we'd discuss it the next day. I thought this was the end of it, and my relative went to bed. But no, my ex DP went to the kitchen, picked up a glass and smashed it in front of me (this has happened before too).

He carried on ranting at me, at which point I (in a still very calm manner) said that I was worried about his recent behaviour, and that one or two friends were too (I probably shouldn't have provoked him any more, but I think I felt I had nothing to lose anymore and I was desperate for him to realise the problem isn't in my head). I should mention he has never physically hurt me.

He went berserk at this point, walked to the kitchen and came back with a massive kitchen knife. I was sat in the corner of the sofa so had no escape, he held it in front of me and said if I didn't tell him who had said these things he would cut the dogs' throats :(

At this point I screamed and my relative came running. He managed to diffuse the situation and we left temporarily with the dogs. He has since moved out and admitted he went "a bit over the top" but seems to have no grasp of the severity of the situation or that it's not alright that he threatened me or to kill the dogs. I (rather stupidly, I know... but I am planning to) have not reported this to the police yet.

I am safe, away from the home we shared, and he doesn't know where I am. Tonight I am planning to go with a friend to collect the dogs (he had them over the weekend and has dropped them off at home for me, as I let him think I am still living there so that I could get them safely away from him tonight).

Now, the problem is, is that one of the dogs was his before we met, the other is very much mine, but they have come to be shared pets. We agreed early on when this all blew up that the dogs should stay together as mine suffers from separation anxiety when left alone, and they are very much like sisters. In his job he goes away for long periods of time and cannot have the dogs with him, nor where he is living. I am also mindful of the fact that he has threatened to hurt them to get at me, I am petrified of this happening again. I will be happier once I have the dogs in my care, but am not sure what to do re arrangements long term. I realise to him it will look like I am 'stealing' the dogs as he won't know where I am staying. I have been their main carer for the past two years and can also take both dogs with me to work every day, so to me it makes sense that I have them, for now at least.

He is already saying we need to decide where the dogs are going and with whom over Christmas and New Year :/ I am stalling for now until I have the dogs safe, saying I don't know my plans yet. His family are all in the picture and being incredibly supportive, and say that they feel the dogs would be better off with me, at least until he has admitted he has problems and has sought help.

Can anyone please give me some advice on how to handle this? Thank you! Xmas Confused

OP posts:
SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 21/12/2012 10:36

Definitely call the police if she shows up. They will arrest her which may knock some sense into her. But she's crossed the line now and you can block and refuse any contact with her. She's not your friend. She's working against you because she wants you back under her son's control.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 21/12/2012 10:45

One message, one line "Do not contact me again."

DON'T get in to any kind of conversation with her.

Lueji · 21/12/2012 10:47

I expect she won't be too nasty, but do call the police if she shows up.

Indeed like mother like son.

Good grief!

AgathaHoHoHo · 21/12/2012 11:24

No contact.

Block or remove all lines of communication with them. How did she message you this morning? However it was, block her from it.

Call the police if she turns up.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/12/2012 11:26

Don't open the door to her if she does show up. Just call 999.

If you happen to bump into her while out and about, do not engage in any converstaion: just say "I'm not interested in talking to you" to anything she might say, and walk on.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/12/2012 11:30

They are both very good at completely ignoring your wishes, aren't they? Hmm

You clearly have no right to a mind of your own and choices of your own regarding your own comfort and safety, and that of the animals in your care...

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 11:30

She has called me again and left a message saying she wants to meet up with me today. Do I bother reporting this or leave it?

OP posts:
NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 21/12/2012 11:33

Report everything and ignore her, or you could note down the time the message etc, wait another hour just in case she keeps calling. Stay calm (if possible) and remember they can force you to do nothing. I think I would wait another hour before phoning police again, something tells me she is going to keep calling for a while, just keep ignoring her. can you put your phone on silent?

I am Xmas Angry for you.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 21/12/2012 11:34

Or even turn the phone off?

That should send a very loud and clear message!

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 11:39

I can't turn my phone off as I need to be in touch with various people, e.g. police and my friend. I am trying to ignore her calls for now. I am trying to get on with things but she is really irritating me!

OP posts:
Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells · 21/12/2012 11:40

Bloody hell Lula, what a cow. I hope she doesn't turn up.

Good luck with your job applications today.

AgathaHoHoHo · 21/12/2012 11:44

Ignore, ignore, ignore.

AgathaHoHoHo · 21/12/2012 11:45

Is there any chance your phone service provider could block her number if you tell them she is harassing you? Could you phone them to ask for advice? Could your police friend call her and tell her to stop?

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 21/12/2012 11:52

Yes, leave it an hour, count the number of calls and then report to the police that she has called X many times despite being told to leave you alone. Remember that no one has the right to see or speak to you against your wishes, you cannot be forced to engage with these people in any way.

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 21/12/2012 12:03

PM me her number, I will tell her, very politely of course! Xmas Smile

I know it is irritating but she should give up if she gets no response.

Lueji · 21/12/2012 12:27

Could you change your number asap (ring your provider and explain the situation) and let people you trust (and police) have the new number?

I remember someone stating here at some point that they had done just that and that it had been quick.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle · 21/12/2012 14:32

If you call your network provider they will change your number for free if you have your crime number and explain the situation to them. Mine did it for me when an ex was harassing me took 24 hours for it to changeover.

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 16:41

I have listened to another message she has left me (there have been about four plus Facebook messages), she says if I don't meet her she will have to contact my parents! For goodness sake! I have logged all of this with the police.

They said a sergeant has looked through the notes and advises no action is required at the moment Xmas Hmm

OP posts:
DontYouJingleMyChristingle · 21/12/2012 17:52

If she does have their contact details then given her persistence it is likely she will contact them.

If you haven't already spoken to them about all this do so, it is better they hear the truth than the lies her son has told her. That way they can respond appropriately and tell her to leave you and them alone.

The police will need to build a pattern of repeated contact once you have told her not to contact you, if you haven't done so yet you need to tell her not to contact you, as it stands at the moment you are sending her mixed messages and she will keep trying to persuade you.

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 18:31

I made it very clear to her yesterday when she said she was going to come, and I told her not to (and that police have said she should not), that I was not going to be involved in any of this. I told her I was not going to be communicating with her about it and needed some space.

Surely that is enough of a warning?! I did take the police's advice after this and they simply said not to respond any more or it will add more fuel to the fire.

I am not an unreasonable person, never said he couldn't see the dogs, but right now my priority is keeping myself and them safe, and getting back on my feet again. Funny how none of this is being taken into consideration. She says he's not well, and she doesn't feel good either. She does have a lot of health problems, which is another reason I thought it best she didn't travel! I can see I am being made out to be the evil person in all of this and feel like I am being bulled :(

OP posts:
Selks · 21/12/2012 18:57

You ARE being bullied! I can't believe she'd consider contacting your parents - who the hell does she think she is? Incredible. Just stick to your guns though. Ignore her totally and just liaise with the police. Angry You're doing the right thing.

Lueji · 21/12/2012 18:58

feel like I am being bullied

That's because you are. :(

Quite frankly he has no right to see any dog after threatening to kill them.
Do not feel that you have to grant him any visitation.

I'm sure the RSPCA doesn't grant visitation rights to abusive owners. They prosecute them.

LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 19:03

She has called again (no message this time) and sent a couple of Facebook messages that I've not opened yet - for all she knows I am out for the evening, asleep, or whatever! I can see the first line of them, something about her grandchildren have called - so I expect she will use them to emotionally blackmail me now.

I don't know how much to log with the police - every call, message? Or just wait until tomorrow and see if it continues?! She has told me she will probably stay overnight in the area if she can't get hold of me, implying that she will persist with trying to get hold of me.

As they said, she's not threatened me particularly, other than saying she wants to see me. But I've made it clear I don't want contact and she is continuing to contact me. It feels like every hour she is getting in touch and I don't like it. Today I was meant to be looking at jobs and sorting out my cv, but I've not been able to relax - all day has been taken up by her annoying me. I know I shouldn't let her, but it is hard as this has been going on since last week now and I am not sleeping well as a result, so everything is a little exhausting now!

OP posts:
LulaDoesTheHula · 21/12/2012 19:04

The trouble re the dogs is that no one witnessed his threat with the knife (my relative heard the escalation of the abusive language towards me but that is all). It is his word against mine unfortunately :(

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 21/12/2012 19:07

Log everything.