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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

(Now Ex) DP theatened to harm our dogs

252 replies

LulaDoesTheHula · 09/12/2012 15:06

My now ex DP and I had been struggling with our relationship for quite some months, it all came to a head recently when, after he'd had quite a bit to drink (we'd been out for the evening with family), he became verbally abusive to me (not the first time, I should add). As a family member was present, and it was rather awkward in front of him, I asked him to calm down and we'd discuss it the next day. I thought this was the end of it, and my relative went to bed. But no, my ex DP went to the kitchen, picked up a glass and smashed it in front of me (this has happened before too).

He carried on ranting at me, at which point I (in a still very calm manner) said that I was worried about his recent behaviour, and that one or two friends were too (I probably shouldn't have provoked him any more, but I think I felt I had nothing to lose anymore and I was desperate for him to realise the problem isn't in my head). I should mention he has never physically hurt me.

He went berserk at this point, walked to the kitchen and came back with a massive kitchen knife. I was sat in the corner of the sofa so had no escape, he held it in front of me and said if I didn't tell him who had said these things he would cut the dogs' throats :(

At this point I screamed and my relative came running. He managed to diffuse the situation and we left temporarily with the dogs. He has since moved out and admitted he went "a bit over the top" but seems to have no grasp of the severity of the situation or that it's not alright that he threatened me or to kill the dogs. I (rather stupidly, I know... but I am planning to) have not reported this to the police yet.

I am safe, away from the home we shared, and he doesn't know where I am. Tonight I am planning to go with a friend to collect the dogs (he had them over the weekend and has dropped them off at home for me, as I let him think I am still living there so that I could get them safely away from him tonight).

Now, the problem is, is that one of the dogs was his before we met, the other is very much mine, but they have come to be shared pets. We agreed early on when this all blew up that the dogs should stay together as mine suffers from separation anxiety when left alone, and they are very much like sisters. In his job he goes away for long periods of time and cannot have the dogs with him, nor where he is living. I am also mindful of the fact that he has threatened to hurt them to get at me, I am petrified of this happening again. I will be happier once I have the dogs in my care, but am not sure what to do re arrangements long term. I realise to him it will look like I am 'stealing' the dogs as he won't know where I am staying. I have been their main carer for the past two years and can also take both dogs with me to work every day, so to me it makes sense that I have them, for now at least.

He is already saying we need to decide where the dogs are going and with whom over Christmas and New Year :/ I am stalling for now until I have the dogs safe, saying I don't know my plans yet. His family are all in the picture and being incredibly supportive, and say that they feel the dogs would be better off with me, at least until he has admitted he has problems and has sought help.

Can anyone please give me some advice on how to handle this? Thank you! Xmas Confused

OP posts:
LulaDoesTheHula · 17/12/2012 23:02

He's never even met my sister and she had nothing to do with all of this. She has massive problems of her own at the moment and is incredibly fragile. This is the last thing she needs to be drawn into. I've had enough :(

OP posts:
LulaDoesTheHula · 17/12/2012 23:36

I have desperately tried to keep my family out of all of this as they have so many problems of their own (with my sister and mental health issues with my grandparents). ExDP and his friend knew this. They are trying to hit me where it hurts even more now. Thankfully I'd not told my sister where I am, she is a bit fragile at the moment, so I could imagine her being talked into sharing sensitive information. Oh dear, what a mess. Just as I was thinking of going to bed, this all gets worse and now I don't know how I will sleep :(

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 18/12/2012 00:06

ExP and friend are very sick people. :(
Your sister doesn't know where you are (good), so for both your sakes, better keep it that way. Tell your sister what the police told you: to tell the man not to contact her again, and if he does, quietly report him for harassment. Or just advise her not to respond.

Please don't contact your ex or the friend though. Not on any account. No contact is the only way.

Do you have a contact person at police DV unit? If so, get in touch and ask for advice tomorrow.

Nothing you can do tonight, so try to distract yourself till you fall asleep.Brew

Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells · 18/12/2012 11:40

Hello lovely

I hope you were able to get some sleep.

I would also recommend calling the police - if he's doing the rounds of your family to get to you, that's harrassment.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 18/12/2012 12:41

Yes, talk to the DV unit again, ask their advice on getting injunctions and restraining orders against this man. You should be able to get orders to the effect that he is forbidden to contact you, or any of your friends or relatives. He is not above the law and he cannot blunder about harassing people like this. With any luck he will find himself spending the festive season behind bars, where he belongs.

LulaDoesTheHula · 18/12/2012 19:46

Okay, so the latest is that my sister has confirmed no one has been in touch with her. I think it is scare tactics on their part, as they know I've tried to shield my family from it all. They are trying to manipulate me further by making me worry that they will tell my family if I don't return the dog (if it comes to it, fine, I've done nothing wrong and have nothing to hide!).

I have made a formal (and rather long!) complaint to the force who arrested him and they are dealing with it.

ExDP has continued to send text messages to my friend, saying he will be reporting the theft of one of the dogs tomorrow morning unless it is returned. The police are now aware, have continued to repeat their advice to us re not communicating with him, and will be awaiting his phone call! Apparently it is now looking like harrassment and they are keeping it all logged.

I feel drained just from writing the complaint letter, it took hours and felt like writing the statement all over again, only worse in a way, as this time I had to check every little detail, date, time etc. Who knows what will happen tomorrow when he reports it, am worried of course, but trying to stay calm.

OP posts:
SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 18/12/2012 19:54

Honestly, you're doing everything right. Try to think of him as more of a tantrumming toddler than some kind of Ultimate Badass: he is not above the law and he will not be able to force you to meet him, speak to him or respond to his messages. All his stamping and roaring is going to achieve is him spending Christmas in the cells.

LulaDoesTheHula · 18/12/2012 20:09

He has sent another message to my friend :( she has logged it. It says please stop harrassing HIM! We've not contacted him once! Confused

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Selks · 18/12/2012 21:38

Oh lord what a git he is. I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now....just sick of it all I should imagine. Just keep on staying strong and take one day as it comes. Try to sleep tonight - it's important that you try to take good care of your self in all of this - try to sleep, rest and eat. x

MrsTomHardy · 18/12/2012 21:59

Stay strong. Don't give in. Log everything.
Don't contact him

Good luck

LulaDoesTheHula · 19/12/2012 08:07

So the "deadline" he had given for returning the "stolen" dog this morning has passed. Now I guess I just wait to hear from the police. Xmas Hmm

Feel so anxious. I've never been in trouble with the police before, not that I feel I've done anything wrong this time. Just want them to realise what he's really like once and for all! I am so exhausted from all this.

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BelleoftheFall · 19/12/2012 08:13

You aren't going to be in trouble with the police, and you aren't in trouble at the moment either. They are on your side and it sounds like they realise that he's a dangerous and unhinged person.

They may not know what HE is like specifically, but make no mistake that they are used to dealing with men and women like him and will have seen this behaviour before. They may not always get it right, but on the whole I'd say that the police can see through a hell of a lot of the bullshit people like him come out with. They deal with it day in and day out.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 19/12/2012 08:21

They are like helpless children so I agree with you, you must take them and go. Their welfare comes first.

Lueji · 19/12/2012 08:21

You mean the stolen dog that is registered in your name?

All you can tell the police is that both your dogs are safe at home.

Assuming he has complained. Doubt it.

LulaDoesTheHula · 19/12/2012 08:35

Yes, it's crazy! We had agreed ages ago that the dogs stay together, then I was informed by the police who interviewed him that HE had said the dogs were best off with me. I didn't even mention the dogs - they offered this information. So I am not prepared to accept that I have stolen either of them.

Add to this that he had threatened to kill them should I not comply with his wishes (all documented in my statement), has a job where he has to go away for months at a time and sometimes for days at a moments notice (cannot take the dogs) and cannot have dogs in his accommodation... well it's not ideal!!

I do not hold a grudge against him about everything that happened - just want him to get the help he needs and also for the police to look at the case again re the abuse I suffered. I am trying to keep the dogs as a separate issue, not let them be used as a tool for him to manipulate me. Until the police case is resolved and I am satisfied he is getting the attention he so needs, I cannot let the dogs be in his care - it would be such a worry for me.

His mother is now messaging me saying I should let him have the dog and she could come and get it. She says she has also sent me some money for food Confused

OP posts:
AgathaHoHoHo · 19/12/2012 08:41

He pins the dogs down, shouts and them and throws them across the room. This is why he shouldn't have the dog. He is an abusive owner.

LulaDoesTheHula · 19/12/2012 08:48

I know :( I think because of how 'his' police force treated me before I have lost faith in them, and don't trust them to see what he is really like. I am so worried that they will just want to draw a line under this as quickly as possible.

There are people that can back me up if need be re how he treats the dogs.

I even have a message that his mother sent me saying it's awful how he treats them.

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NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 19/12/2012 09:22

Lula,try your best to ignore everyone complaining about the dogs, you are doing the right thing here, he sounds like he is playing games with the random texts, try your best to ignore him/them and just concentrate on getting you and the dogs safe and keeping safe. You will not be arrested or even get in trouble, this guy sounds vile, please try your best to ignore him and never contact him again if possible!

LulaDoesTheHula · 19/12/2012 09:30

No, am quite clear in my own mind that I will never be making contact with him again. Other are worried that I might cave in and make contact, but he makes me feel so uncomfortable that I wouldn't want to be in touch with him! It's not even a little bit tempting!

I've just looked at all the documentation for the dogs - everything is in my name: microchips, vet invoices, receipts, everything! I was always the one who took the dogs to vets for vaccinations etc (I even had to re-start 'his' dogs vaccinations as he'd let them lapse and missed a year). He didn't even have a vet when I took over the care of both dogs Shock

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LulaDoesTheHula · 19/12/2012 09:37

I can totally understand that he is missing the dogs terribly, I would be the same in his shoes. And I am heartbroken for the dogs as they do have fun with him (i.e. he is not always awful, however when his temper gets the better of him, it's best they are not around). I am trying to stay strong and think about what is best for them. He told the police "the dogs come first, then Lula" Xmas Hmm So that is what I trying to think as well, the dogs come first, then him!

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NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 19/12/2012 10:05

Just remember you come first and your dogs, forget him, can you change your number at all, just cut him off? I had an abusive ex and this worked wonders, I am still writing my diary, it's now 5 A4 pages long and still going sadly, over 2 years later, I took his children though so...all legal (he smacked them both very hard) so now all contact is through Solicitor and now SS. Stay strong. Lot's of help and support here for you!

NotWankinginaWinterWonderland · 19/12/2012 10:06

My ex also booted the dog a few times, poor dog, even she is better now he has gone! She is happier I am sure of it. He even kicked my cat...Xmas Angry I wish the dog had bit him!

ladyWordy · 19/12/2012 10:31

Please don't be heartbroken Lula, the dogs won't be! Quite the reverse - those dogs are happy with you, they trust you, and will be massively relieved not to be near someone who has hurt them and threatened to kill them! They can't defend themselves against his aggression. Imagine the fear they have been living in, wondering when he's going to hurt them again.

In terms of being in his shoes and missing the dogs.... Well, this may be uncomfortable to think about, but you can't get into his shoes because he doesn't think like you. Everyone is not the same. He is not missing them like you would.

He is missing someone to control and intimidate (you, and them), which is why he's using any means possible to come after you, including pressing your guilt buttons WRT the dogs. Or threatening to scare your sister, or intimidating your friend. He knows these things will get to you because you have a conscience. I don't think he's got one.

So be tough, and keep protecting yourself and the dogs, because they need you. You're doing well. Good on you :)

janelikesjam · 19/12/2012 10:40

I am really sorry you are going through this.

My only concern is if it was originally his dog, I think you should return it to him. Keeping his dog will only inflame him and tie you to him in the future, not something advisable.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers · 19/12/2012 11:22

I don't agree with jane. Their welfare is paramount. Someone who had their welfare at heart would never have threatened to kill them.
Horrible stories in the media about people who killed their partners' dogs I don't want to post a link here as I don't want to upset OP but I can pm the link to anyone who wants it.

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