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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

(Now Ex) DP theatened to harm our dogs

252 replies

LulaDoesTheHula · 09/12/2012 15:06

My now ex DP and I had been struggling with our relationship for quite some months, it all came to a head recently when, after he'd had quite a bit to drink (we'd been out for the evening with family), he became verbally abusive to me (not the first time, I should add). As a family member was present, and it was rather awkward in front of him, I asked him to calm down and we'd discuss it the next day. I thought this was the end of it, and my relative went to bed. But no, my ex DP went to the kitchen, picked up a glass and smashed it in front of me (this has happened before too).

He carried on ranting at me, at which point I (in a still very calm manner) said that I was worried about his recent behaviour, and that one or two friends were too (I probably shouldn't have provoked him any more, but I think I felt I had nothing to lose anymore and I was desperate for him to realise the problem isn't in my head). I should mention he has never physically hurt me.

He went berserk at this point, walked to the kitchen and came back with a massive kitchen knife. I was sat in the corner of the sofa so had no escape, he held it in front of me and said if I didn't tell him who had said these things he would cut the dogs' throats :(

At this point I screamed and my relative came running. He managed to diffuse the situation and we left temporarily with the dogs. He has since moved out and admitted he went "a bit over the top" but seems to have no grasp of the severity of the situation or that it's not alright that he threatened me or to kill the dogs. I (rather stupidly, I know... but I am planning to) have not reported this to the police yet.

I am safe, away from the home we shared, and he doesn't know where I am. Tonight I am planning to go with a friend to collect the dogs (he had them over the weekend and has dropped them off at home for me, as I let him think I am still living there so that I could get them safely away from him tonight).

Now, the problem is, is that one of the dogs was his before we met, the other is very much mine, but they have come to be shared pets. We agreed early on when this all blew up that the dogs should stay together as mine suffers from separation anxiety when left alone, and they are very much like sisters. In his job he goes away for long periods of time and cannot have the dogs with him, nor where he is living. I am also mindful of the fact that he has threatened to hurt them to get at me, I am petrified of this happening again. I will be happier once I have the dogs in my care, but am not sure what to do re arrangements long term. I realise to him it will look like I am 'stealing' the dogs as he won't know where I am staying. I have been their main carer for the past two years and can also take both dogs with me to work every day, so to me it makes sense that I have them, for now at least.

He is already saying we need to decide where the dogs are going and with whom over Christmas and New Year :/ I am stalling for now until I have the dogs safe, saying I don't know my plans yet. His family are all in the picture and being incredibly supportive, and say that they feel the dogs would be better off with me, at least until he has admitted he has problems and has sought help.

Can anyone please give me some advice on how to handle this? Thank you! Xmas Confused

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 16/12/2012 15:35

Don't be bullied, either directly by him or indirectly by his mother. She's trying to railroad you, IMO.

Your exP is very dangerous, and unlike average abusers he's happy to turn his aggression on anyone, including his mother.

Protect yourself, your dogs and your friend. If the dogs are being used as a weapon to control you, try to get them temporarily fostered for your safety and theirs. Don't let him near them, or near your friend. Don't give in to any demands anyone makes, however reasonable they sound, and keep your location secret at all costs.

Have you been in touch with the police DV unit, or Women's Aid? You need some specialist advice and help.

LulaDoesTheHula · 16/12/2012 15:43

I have been referred to the police DV unit and am waiting to hear from them. The safeguarding unit will also be back in touch with tomorrow to see how things are going. I just know that at 6pm tonight he is going to go nuts :( I have replied to his mother that I am following police advice to only do what I am comfortable with and that if his harrassment continues it will be logged with the police.

I know she is incredibly upset right now too, and thinks seeing the dogs will help him, but I need to look after myself (and the dogs) first. I have heard from various people that since the night everything came to a head (the knife incident) he has had weekends away (I think one of them at least was with a mystery woman), been to the cinema, pub... I know everyone deals with things in their own way, but right now this is hard to hear when it is taking all my strength just to get up, dressed and eat something. I am exhausted from lugging all my boxes and a few personal items of furniture (I took nothing of his) from home to a storage place and all on my own as friends had to work. A friend came round to see me last night, who I'd not seen in a while, and he took one look at me and said "Lula, where have you disappeared to?!" (I've gone from about 9 stone to 7.5) :(

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LulaDoesTheHula · 16/12/2012 15:47

I think all I keep thinking at the back of my mind is that he had one of the dogs for about a year before I met him, but in the two years we were together, both dogs became very much "our" dogs. However, we agreed early on that they should stay together, and the police told me that he said I should have them. I am not saying he can NEVER see them. Just not now. Of course, he sees this as me being bloody awkward and trying to purposely be spiteful. This is all very hard for me, cos actually if anything I am a bit of a doormat about things and find it very hard to stand up for myself, let alone be rude/nasty to anyone (which I guess is how I came to be in this situation in the first place). Oh, this is so exhausting and he is not letting me get back on my feet at all.

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Lueji · 16/12/2012 15:55

About the dog, what would you do if it had been his child?
Would you allow his child to stay with him after he had threatened to cut his throat?

The same for the dog. He is a risk and doesn't deserve the animal.

Let him go mad and log with the police.
Even my stupid ex got the message at some point.
Please don't answer any phone calls. Let him shoot himself on the foot in writing.

LulaDoesTheHula · 16/12/2012 16:11

The police previously said if you don't want any contact via friends even, then people need to respond to him not to contact them any more, and if he continues it's harrassment. Do you think my friend should reply to his last message that was threatening legal, to say this, or do nothing?

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5hounds · 16/12/2012 16:25

If your in the south west and need somewhere safe for your dogs to stay let me no. I have 5 but if me and dp split up they'll stay with me. Keep safe

Mintberry · 16/12/2012 16:30

Who cares if the dog is his? I'm sure the RSPCA would have a thing or two to say about a dog owner who threatens to kill his dog with a kitchen knife, and so would I. Even if you don't keep the dog, I would want it rehomed, not to go back to him.

Pendipidy · 16/12/2012 16:32

these are dogs, not children! just take them and say he is not having them back and move on. you do not have to give him visitation rights for goodness sake !Shock if you don't want anything more to do with him then give him either his or both dogs. the sharing situation is just continuing a relationship that needs to stop.

MushroomSoup · 16/12/2012 16:35

Surely you don't share contact of a pair of dogs?! Keep the dogs and tell him to 'go legal' if he wants to see them.

ladyWordy · 16/12/2012 16:39

If he goes nuts at 6pm, are you safe? Do you feel safe? Was wondering if there is anyone you can go to that he doesn't know, eg the friend you just mentioned. You could give the police a call on the non- emergency number for advice. It seems wrong that you're on tenterhooks waiting for something to happen.

(Of course if you are threatened in any way, that's an emergency. Keep your mobile to hand )

Try not to worry about what's right or reasonable to him, re the dogs. Your safety, and theirs, is what matters. So forget what you agreed, you did that when you thought he was a nice normal guy. And try to forget what he thinks - it doesn't really matter what he thinks. Your exP has forfeited the right to own any sort of pet through his threatened and recorded actions.

Re your friend, s/he has to do what feels safe for them. Tell them what police said and let them decide. In general, it's better not to communicate at all with an individual like this.

MrsTomHardy · 16/12/2012 18:26

Everyone should respond to him by telling him to sod off.....then ignore ignore ignore

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 16/12/2012 21:29

See a solicitor and get injunctions against this man having any contact with you at all. He has no legal rights over the dogs and no proof that they belong to him, so he can basically go and fuck himself.

Cut contact with his mother, as well: tell her politely that you need to concentrate on your own wellbeing now and therefore want some space. Never mind any indirect threats that this poxy loser will harm himself - unfortunately men like this are never so obliging as to actually die.

LulaDoesTheHula · 17/12/2012 17:53

Hi guys, thank you for your continued support and advice! I couldn't get online last night as we ended up leaving my friend's house. Another friend was unable to get hold of either of us, and as he knew about the ongoing problems I have been having with exDP he called the police and asked them to come and check on us, so we got a bit of a surprise when they turned up!

Actually, it was the best thing that could have happened as it brought it all to their attention again (though they said they had been made aware of the situation by colleagues and were keeping an eye on the house already).

They were incredibly supportive. I told them about the 'deadline' he had set me of 6pm (it was about 4.30pm when they arrived), and they said not to respond at all and to try and get his number blocked. They said I had not "stolen" the dogs, and not to be intimidated by him, that he was being "an idiot". They have since made some further enquiries and are rather horrified that "no further action" was taken against him. They have advised me to speak to an Inspector (it was a different police force who arrested him - I have moved to a neighbouring county) and see about getting this all looked at again, and to try and get them to take a statement from my relative who heard everything on the night in question as he was in the house with us. They also think I need to put in a complaint re how the whole case has been handled.

I feel physically and mentally exhausted :( I've phoned the police this afternoon to log that I would like to speak to an Inspector (still waiting for a call) and have been advised to put in a complaint in writing via their website. Looks like I'm in for a fun evening. Sigh.

OP posts:
Selks · 17/12/2012 19:17

Oh gosh, sounds like you're having an exhausting time. Well done for moving further away. And glad to hear that you've had a more sympathetic response from the police in your area now.

Stay strong, you're doing BRILLIANTLY.

It will all be over eventually x.

LulaDoesTheHula · 17/12/2012 19:39

Thank you. It is so hard to try and stay strong, particularly when I have various people (e.g. his mother and a friend of his) trying to influence me. His friend messaged me to say "the police have gone totally overboard" and to let him see the dogs. ExDP also told me that the police force that dealt with him have me down as a "neurotic woman". I should mention, I have never been to the police about anything in my life, until now. I put up with a lot in the relationship and it took a lot from me to even give them a statement. So to hear that the police are "over reacting" is hard :( I told the police last night that people have been saying this, and the male officer told me very bluntly that domestic abuse IS very serious and they will not condone anyone holding a knife to someone. I could have hugged him. All I wanted was for someone to understand. Now, all I hope is that they will listen when I put my complaint in, and actually take a statement from my relative. I am trying not to be disheartened but I fear they won't take it seriously the second time around either.

OP posts:
Lueji · 17/12/2012 20:09

Please don't take any notice of what your ex and his minions say.

The police don't think you are a neurotic woman and let them overreact if they want. Better than underreact.

Anything coming from his side is intent on undermining you.

You did the right thing.

ladyWordy · 17/12/2012 20:10

Lula, wow, you must be ready to sleep for a week after that! Bravo to you for staying strong.

The police have really come through for you this time, and you have some wonderful friends.

Your exP's friend is talking complete nonsense. A threat with a knife is extremely serious. End of discussion. As for the exP's assertion that they have you down as neurotic, that's empty talk! He has no idea what's been said or actually recorded. This is just an attempt to bully you into feeling bad and seeing things his (extremely twisted) way.

Stick to your guns, keep the dogs, and don't engage with exP, his mother, or his friends. You're doing brilliantly. Good luck with the next stage.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 17/12/2012 20:26

Sweeetheart, you are doing so well. Stay strong, keep on doing what you're doing: you have a good common sense compass guiding you so far.

Please recognize that the dogs are just an excuse to him: if it wasn't the dogs, it would be anything that he could think of using to push your buttons of obligation and guilt. He doesn't want the dogs: he wants to control and bully you. First by threatening to kill them, now by asserting "rights" over them.

He has none. You have no need to feel any kind of obligation or guilt regarding this man.

Do speak to the inspector and tell us how you got on. And cut all contact with him and his message-bearers: none of them mean you well. The less you hear of his entitled rantings, the more you will get used to ignoring them, and to seeing them for what they are: the desperate flailings of a pathetic abuser.

LulaDoesTheHula · 17/12/2012 21:30

Am sat here wishing this was all just a bad dream. Actually it sort of feels like a dream, really doesn't feel real.

I am just scared that he will get a solicitor on to me (I can't afford one myself) and take the dogs - he has gambled most of his money away, but does earn a good salary, whereas I have nothing, and zero income now as I have had to give up my business for now (too close to where he is). Despite all my common sense telling me to keep calm, I am scared :( they are so precious to me and I only want to keep them safe. It breaks my heart to think of them being taken away by that awful bully of a man. Have tears rolling down my face.

Going to go for a nice warm shower and try to calm down, then get into bed and have a little cuddle with them before trying to close my eyes and switch off all the thoughts going round and round in my head.

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Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells · 17/12/2012 21:45

Hello Lula

I think you've totally done the right thing, and have been really brave.

I left my abusive XH and took our cats. One of them was 'his', however I knew he wasn't capable of looking after them (alcoholic).

Please don't believe your X and his idiot friend. The police know the law far more than he and his mate do, and they are rightly on your side.

Big hugs to you, enjoy your lovely cuddle and I hope you sleep well. x

Selks · 17/12/2012 21:57

One way to protect the dogs might be to consider them going to temporary dog foster care while you use your strength to protect yourself and deal with everything else. I know you love the dogs but it might make things easier for you right now and you would know the dogs are safe. There are various charities specifically for fostering pets of people fleeing domestic abuse -
Here, here and here x

LulaDoesTheHula · 17/12/2012 22:00

Thank you Selks for those links :) I had looked into this actually, in case it all got bad. At the moment I am staying with a different friend from the one I was with (and can stay as long as needed, she is wonderful), in return for looking after her dog - she works away a lot at the moment. ExDP has no idea where I am, and won't guess, he doesn't even know her or have a clue where her house is. He has no connections to her at all so would be very hard pushed to track me down :) which is the only thing I am thankful for. Well, that, and that the dogs and I are all alive and away from him!

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SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 17/12/2012 22:12

If you have the strength to do it, I would recommend you follow the advice given you by the sympathetic police and put in a complaint against the unsympathetic ones. Unfortunately some forces still aren't as good as they could be WRT dealing with DV, but they have to investigate complaints made, and if there are problems within the DV division in one force, getting them acted on would be good for the next woman who needs help.

But right now your main priority is yourself and your recovery. Best of luck. You are doing really well.

Selks · 17/12/2012 22:42

That's good - I'm glad you are somewhere safe and ok. Your friend sounds great Smile

LulaDoesTheHula · 17/12/2012 23:01

I have now found out from another friend that ExDP's mate has been contacting my sister who lives miles away Shock I've had enough!!!

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