Is 'settling' always a bad thing?

[qumquat]

On one level I absolutely want to marry my DP. We get on like a house on fire, support and care for each other practically and emotionally, want the same things in terms of jobs, children, share interested and friendships, as well as having our own interests and friendships, we share beliefs and hopes about the world and our lives. Sex is the only thing which isn't wonderful at the moment but it is good and improving.
We've talked lots about getting married next summer, pretty much planned the day, named our children, planned where we'd like to live in the future etc etc.

And yet . . . . I still have doubts. Basically because we never had the crazy honeymoon period I've never felt properly 'in love'. I love him deeply but I wouldn't describe myself as 'in love'. Does this matter? I see so many 'in love' relationships where the couple get on so much worse than we do, or they only last a few years (we've outlasted some married friends at 10 years), or they have nothing in common or argue over basic aspirations for life. And of course on MN I see lots of formerly 'in love' couples where there is abuse and betrayal. Am I considering throwing something away that is actually very special?

Obviously the ideal would be to have what I have with DP AND be 'in love', but is the ideal accessible to everyone? I think we're led to believe that it is, but is this just a damaging belief which makes people unhappy as they are aspiring to something only a few very lucky people manage to achieve?

Sorry this became a lot longer than I was expecting. I would really appreciate hearing from others, particularly anyone who's been in a similar situation.

[Terrifiedandregretful]

It's the thought of leaving him which makes me want to be dead though cog. Up until last week I was happy. Then an old flame I rejected in favour of dp despite massive chemistry had his 3rd baby on Facebook. And I went to pieces. But the reality hasn't changed, and I did love it. I committed with my eyes open, if only I could switch off these emotions. Dp is the best man in the world.

[jasminemai]

I couldnt settle. I wouldnt settle for less thab the love, great sex, want to rip your clothes off thing, best friends, 2 pieces of jigsaw that fit thing.

[Thetallesttower]

Terrified, your thinking is catastrophic and that does indicate depression. Your reaction is that of someone who has just had a baby, hormones everywhere and possibly depressed- hence why you are now obsessing over it and feel it to be life-changing when in fact at another time point you might have given it a half hour and moved on.

I think you need rl support, can you tell a friend or family you are feeling desperate?

Nothing needs to be done today, no actions need to be taken in relation to your marriage, just tell a HV or doctor how you are feeling.

I'm not saying your feelings aren't real or that you shouldn't make a decision about your partner, but that needs to wait til you are more emotionally stable. Then you can make a really good decision.

[Terrifiedandregretful]

But if not now then when? I've spent 11 years not making a decision

[TheSlagOfSnacks]

Make a decision when your mental and emotional state is in a good, healthy place.

The first step is to see the GP and get yourself feeling better.

As pp said, you are catastrophising. Everything doesn't need to be sorted out today. It'll be okay.

[Thetallesttower]

I'm just going off what you said which was that up until you saw this Facebook post you had been happy and weren't doubting everything. That you had indeed made a decision and was relatively happy with it. The fact that a Facebook post has sent you into an emotional spiral makes me think you are very vulnerable at the moment.

Can you go to stay with anyone for a day or two to help sort things out in your mind? Or even just chat to a friend about it?

If you feel you must leave, then you do have that option but it sounds like it is that which is distressing you - not the staying. On that basis, you need to do whatever you need to do to stay calm, keep steady and get some emotional support.

[KoalaDownUnder]

I have just been told by someone I've been dating for six months that he 'doesn't have romantic feelings towards me'. I was falling in love with him. We had very similar values, upbringing and education, the same sense of humour, could talk about anything...I loved his hands, his eyes, his smell. When we met, he adored me for the first few months, and then gradually became colder.

He told me not long after we met that I was 'becoming his best friend'. We were in contact via phone and text several times every day (we live a couple of hours apart). He told me several times how incredibly sexy he found me, and my body, and even the way I smelled. I could tell by the way he acted when we were together that it was true. (He even told me once, by text and out of the blue, that he had had 'the best sexual experience of his life' with me.)

Tonight, he told me that he loves spending time with me, thinks of me as his best friend, and finds me extremely physically attractive...but does not feel 'a romantic spark' with me. ???.

We are both 41, never married, no kids. I thought I'd finally found my soul mate...I've been through so much in my life, as far as relationships go. I feel as if this latest kick in the teeth is the end for me. I thought that being best friends with an awesome sex life is what everyone wanted in a relationship, but apparently there is now some nebulous 'romance' element that I don't inspire in anybody. I just don't understand anymore.

[Hormonalhell]

I split with my dh three years ago. I knew he wasn't 'the one' in the 13 years we were together but I did love him. We split because I felt the grass was greener and we both deserved to be happy.

I have been dating and even had a baby with another man which didn't work out....always felt like there was someone special out there for me . Been on lots of unsuccessful dates n met a few guys who had potential but for one reason or another it didn't work out.

Then....2 months ago I met DP and it's like nothing I've ever experienced in my whole life. I cannot explain it but it's inner peace and happiness and the most amazing thing is he feels exactly the same. I truly believe I have met my soulmate and am so glad I didn't settle

[KoalaDownUnder]

I apologise for dumping that in the middle of the thread.

I have just arrived home bawling my head off, and the topic caught my eye. Sorry for being self-indulgent. I'm just so hurt.

Sympathy to everyone else on this thread who is in a bad place.

[Hormonalhell]

Oh koala how sad the way you describe your relationship is like me n DP. Am fretting now as we been together only two months

[KoalaDownUnder]

Oh god, sorry Hormonalhell - I'm sure you will not end up in the same situation I'm in!

Seriously, it has thrown me for a loop. I have been through so many horrible relationships, and I remember feeling as if I'd finally got my 'reward' when I met R. On our first date, we held hands and shared dessert. I remember him saying, 'Isn't this just so...easy?!'...and I knew exactly what he meant. I honestly thought I'd finally met my life partner, and that's a thought I haven't had for 20 years.

I thought people broke up either because there was a physical attraction and a personality mis-match, OR because they got on well as friends but the physical/sexual side was missing. Or, further down the track, because they argued (about different life goals, or money, or kids, etc.) None of those things were true for us. We never argued. He just got increasingly distant, until he finally bit the bullet tonight and announced that he...'had no romantic feelings towards me'. Even while he was saying it, he repeated that he was incredibly physically attracted to me and I'm his best friend.

Its not something I can fix or fight, and it breaks my heart.

[Maisie0]

It doesn't help that I am chronically indecisive about everything, I never trust my judgement or have confidence in my own beliefs, so making a decision of this magnitude completely paralyses me (hence it taking me ten years and counting . . )

But you should be able to decide, and you should listen to your own internal gut instincts. If you are not certain or sure, then give yourself room. If you do not feel that absolute feeling, then the answer to yourself is that, this is not what you think it is. Each time you make decisions which fits into your own internal feeling, with what you see externally, then it can indeed become wholistic.

I am a bit surprised actually that you told him your feeling and he does not bat an eyelid. Lol. There is something wrong with that somehow...

You should trust your beliefs. That is what makes us as a person. It is our own personality.

If you are not sure, then why not take a break and not give yourself any pressure, and put any wedding plans on "hold" until you realise for sure what something means. If there are too many information and too much, then step back, reflect, and be open-minded, and let your own feelings come through. Cos you will know by then what is what.

[yorkierocks123]

You are not settling because your relationship sounds good BUT if it isn't making you happy at 33 and with no kids then get out. Really if you are meant to be together you'll get back together but I think you both need to experience how you feel with other people and see how important that spark/sex is.

33 is still really young and you would be crazy to settle down with someone if you have any doubts, whether they are 'legitimate' or not.

[Hormonalhell]

Koala, don't understand where he's coming from at all....what does the guy effing want????

[Charley50]

Sorry Koala that's awful. X
Hi OP I too suffer from chronic indecision. It's awful - years can go by without me making a serious decision about various important things.
You've just had a baby. Hormones galore. Try and relax and enjoy your baby and DP and don't make any rash decisions while you are in a bad place.

[MadBusLady]

qumquat I've lurked on this thread for months while making a similar decision myself, we have talked about it elsewhere with me under another name. I'm sorry to see your update. Will post properly later but hang on in there girl, you can and you will make the right decisions when you are able. You sound so, so low right now. You will emerge on the other side of this and one way or another you will have the life you want, I'll be back later

[Terrifiedandregretful]

Yorkie I agree with everything you've said. Sadly instead i got engaged, bought a house and had a baby with him. (See up thread)

[Terrifiedandregretful]

Mad bus lady, great to see you. Chat soon x

[Terrifiedandregretful]

Mad bus lady - I've had a message saying you have pm'd me, but then my inbox says no messages, not sure what's going on.

[MadBusLady]

You've got mail (hopefully).

[heyho1985]

How are you feeling today OP?

[Maisie0]

Yes. I am curious about that too.

[qumquat]

Op here. I told dp how I felt. I just can't not. He is sweeping it under the carpet. I desperately want to as well but I can't. I feel so wretchedly guilty for destroying his life, and too emotionally frail to bring up my daughter. I am lost. I want to be able to settle with him, but my gut is screaming at me to leave. If only this had happened before dd, but u think it took her for me to realise my mistake. What a mess. I keep talking to dp about suicide- as if breaking his heart wasn't enough! I just think things would be so much easier for him and dd if I were dead. Cowardly as always!

[qumquat]

Dd is crying all the time. I'm sure she's picked up on my mood

[SolidGoldBrass]

Actually, your DP doesn't sound that much of a saint. He sounds like a smotherer. I bet he's spent the entire relationship telling you he can't live without you and that everything will be fine if you only shut up and let him own you. And now you are exhausted and hormonal and miserable and he's just wailing rather than helping.

Please talk to your GP or your HV and keep telling yourself that you Don't need to decide anything today You need to look after yourself.
How much housework is this 'wonderful' man doing BTW?