Is 'settling' always a bad thing?

[qumquat]

On one level I absolutely want to marry my DP. We get on like a house on fire, support and care for each other practically and emotionally, want the same things in terms of jobs, children, share interested and friendships, as well as having our own interests and friendships, we share beliefs and hopes about the world and our lives. Sex is the only thing which isn't wonderful at the moment but it is good and improving.
We've talked lots about getting married next summer, pretty much planned the day, named our children, planned where we'd like to live in the future etc etc.

And yet . . . . I still have doubts. Basically because we never had the crazy honeymoon period I've never felt properly 'in love'. I love him deeply but I wouldn't describe myself as 'in love'. Does this matter? I see so many 'in love' relationships where the couple get on so much worse than we do, or they only last a few years (we've outlasted some married friends at 10 years), or they have nothing in common or argue over basic aspirations for life. And of course on MN I see lots of formerly 'in love' couples where there is abuse and betrayal. Am I considering throwing something away that is actually very special?

Obviously the ideal would be to have what I have with DP AND be 'in love', but is the ideal accessible to everyone? I think we're led to believe that it is, but is this just a damaging belief which makes people unhappy as they are aspiring to something only a few very lucky people manage to achieve?

Sorry this became a lot longer than I was expecting. I would really appreciate hearing from others, particularly anyone who's been in a similar situation.

[qumquat]

We have a cleaner, but prior to that he did most of the housework and he still does most of the cooking, shopping, organising. He has put me on a pedestal for sure but he is not lazy. I think he felt that if he made my life easy I would stay with him, and he was right.

[qumquat]

I'm back on ads and signed up for counselling. I've just got to accept I've fucked up. I used to read threads on here and feel smug he did so much housework! Turns out I was the cocklodger

[Maisie0]

If both of you are very sentimental people, and are actually quite the people pleaser, then take a step backwards and actually re-evaluate your own relationship. Maybe for him, he gets a kick out of pleasing you, but, you also need to please yourself too. Or to find common grounds of areas which both of you can put into. Or maybe instead of him doing the housework, you do some, and then he does something else. Cos when two people are the same in a relationship, they need to define their own role in it. I just left a person who is similar to me, and we have to define our relationship in a particular way. I have never met someone like that, and I believe in him when he stated that he was very independent when he met me. He was. I kind of ground him down to pieces, but actually, that is also not good too. Cos we both were too emotional.

It is okay to feel smug, but, remember what you want from a relationship to begin with, and our validation does not necessarily mean that it should be external. Even with some of my close girlfriends, I realised that we need to be handling each other with care, and with sensitivity. In order to preserve each others' identity as a person.

[MarmiteMania]

I know people who have chased perfection in relayionships and waited so long there is now nothing out there slightly worth settling for. If you truly, genuinely love him deeply, don't worry about the 'in love' bit. You have to really, really like the person he is, love him and respect him. Without those three things I wouldn't commit.

Are you like me the type who always wants what they cant have? If however your instance is screaming negativity at you, listen to that.

[MarmiteMania]

Sorry instinct not instance!

[qumquat]

I think we both have low self esteem and thought we couldn't do better. We have tried to please the other one at the expense of ourselves. I'm starting to realise how messed up it all is.

[qumquat]

My friends say we are both good people. I don't feel like one right now. I just hope on 5 years time we are in a better place

[Maisie0]

Please do not beat yourself up about the past. You can only create actionable steps from this point onwards and also towards the future. If you realised that you have pleased the other person too much, then what can you do now to change things around and allow yourself to be yourself again ?

[Thanks]