Is 'settling' always a bad thing?

[qumquat]

On one level I absolutely want to marry my DP. We get on like a house on fire, support and care for each other practically and emotionally, want the same things in terms of jobs, children, share interested and friendships, as well as having our own interests and friendships, we share beliefs and hopes about the world and our lives. Sex is the only thing which isn't wonderful at the moment but it is good and improving.
We've talked lots about getting married next summer, pretty much planned the day, named our children, planned where we'd like to live in the future etc etc.

And yet . . . . I still have doubts. Basically because we never had the crazy honeymoon period I've never felt properly 'in love'. I love him deeply but I wouldn't describe myself as 'in love'. Does this matter? I see so many 'in love' relationships where the couple get on so much worse than we do, or they only last a few years (we've outlasted some married friends at 10 years), or they have nothing in common or argue over basic aspirations for life. And of course on MN I see lots of formerly 'in love' couples where there is abuse and betrayal. Am I considering throwing something away that is actually very special?

Obviously the ideal would be to have what I have with DP AND be 'in love', but is the ideal accessible to everyone? I think we're led to believe that it is, but is this just a damaging belief which makes people unhappy as they are aspiring to something only a few very lucky people manage to achieve?

Sorry this became a lot longer than I was expecting. I would really appreciate hearing from others, particularly anyone who's been in a similar situation.

I don't find in love exhausting but would find trying to create that from nothing knackering. It depends on the individual I don't want to work hard which is why I want that spark and attraction as it makes things easier when you are going through the mill with day to day life. We have been together 21 years and it gets better. I am really noticing that now that ds is 18 and doing his own thing I think if we didn't have what we do I'd get very bored and would want to be single

I agree noddy - I find being in love energising rather than tiring. It makes life that bit sweeter IMO - spending the evening just chilling on the couch with DH is lovely.

I have been passionately "in love" only once in my life. And I didn't marry him. But I am happily married to my now husband and have 2 lively children. I don't believe I will ever feel that "in love" feeling for anyone ever again. That kind of passion, that total trust and adoration died with my 20s. I think there needs to be a kind of naivety required to adore someone that much. And it's not necessarily a healthy thing. That kind of feeling makes you blind. Your judgement is impaired. You are completely vulnerable.

For me the "in love" feeling lasted the entirety of the relationship - 5 years. For me anyway. The pain of losing that "in love" relationship was the most agonizing thing I have ever gone through. I truly beleive in the concept of a "broken heart". But what that really means is you grow up an live in the real world rather than a world of fantasy, lust, hope, infatuation and quasi-worship of someone who is all probability isn't worth it

Settle. I am content with loving now. I don't ever expect to be "in love" again.

Thank you everyone. I'm touched by all the thoughtful and in depth posts. Ladyfox - don't worry about hijacking, your questions are exactly the kind of questions I have so ask away!

The sexual side is probably where the doubt comes from for me, I am attracted to him but I have been attracted to others much much more, but have never acted on it because I have always thought 'what if they're not as caring/funny/supportive/good around the house . . as DP' you get the idea. In my darker moments I do wonder if I should have left him early in the relationship when I felt a real spark with someone else. But it was fear I would regret leaving DP in the long term that held me back.

I'm interested to see people coming down on boths sides of the argument. I guess I need to decide what my priorities, what I can live with, then commit to whatever that is. It doesn't help that I am chronically indecisive about everything, I never trust my judgement or have confidence in my own beliefs, so making a decision of this magnitude completely paralyses me (hence it taking me ten years and counting . . )

Thanks again.

I am definitely not naive we have been through a lot together in 20 plus years

Aw you guys

I'm only jealous.

Oh dear. The thread seems suddenly to have moved on a bit.

I was addressing Cailin and Noddy

youre best friends who have sex. If youre not in love, then its unhappiness waiting to happen when someone who does light that fire comes along and you cant ignore it

I would definitely have a wandering eye if I didn't fancy dp

This sort of relationship might work if sex wasn't terribly important to you and you had never felt attracted to others. It might also work if you believed that no long term relationship contains passion and excitement.

But it sounds like sex is important to you and that you aren't reaching anything like your sexual potential with this partner.

And you have been attracted to others and are therefore likely to be attracted again.

And contrary to the popular myth, lots of long term relationships retain their passion and excitement. I'm in one of them and agree with Noddy and Cailin.

Yes, but you can't throw away a good relationship on the off chance you might, at some point in the future, fancy someone else more- that is crazy! The OP has said she is attracted to her DP, so the physical element is there. Trust me, I have had burning passion and it's shit. If I had a DP who was everything you say yours is I wouldn't hesitate- that's not settling, that's making a grown up choice.

I dunno, I would never settle for a man who didn't treat me well, or didn't consider me his equal, or a man who was mean, or abusive in any way, but a decent man who is good company and supports you emotionally and practically and you "get on like a house on fire" and want the same things in life,,,,,, that doesn't actually sound like settling to me. I'd never tell anybody to settle.

If you prefer being on your own then end it, but if you are just after butterflies in your tummy for six months,,,, then I think you need to think about what you want. Romance? or a good friend who is a man.

OP, I've had the relationship that you describe - he was bloody lovely (still is!) but you can't force that spark, if you haven't had it by now with DP it isn't going to happen. Have you thought that it isn't entirely fair on him either if you 'settle' and that if you let him go he has the chance of meeting someone who is entirely and completely in love with him?

I'm so glad I waited for the spark - its not a case of having to choose either a nice guy or someone who gives you butterflies - you can have both. My ExP also has someone who appreciates him as much as he deserves and is a great husband and father, but its absolutely the right thing that that didn't happen with me.

However I do have friends who I'm fairly sure got to a certain age, decided they wanted a family and that each other was a good choice - no fireworks. They are very happy and I think will make it last as they have very similar outlook and priorities - but that decision was made after dating others and seeing what else was available.

RufousBartleby, I don't know if I'll ever feel that butterfly feeling again... I'm in my early forties, I just can't imagine that any man that would inspire that feeling in me would notice me. Sad but true. I'm single.

On the contrary.

More women should throw away relationships that don't tick all their boxes, especially before committing to marriage and children.

It doesn't have to be an either/or situation with a good relationship.

It's perfectly possible to have burning passion, great sex and a partner who's a great friend, a wonderful parent and with whom you have a strong emotional and cerebral connection. No-one who wants all that and find all those factors important, should settle for less in my opinion.

I already have children so I don't need to commit. I don't know if I actually even want "burning passion". I think I would prefer a man who was really good company, who was good to me, felt lucky to be with me. The 'burning passion' reminds me of drama and pain and ..... tears! . Sometimes I think 'if this man were a woman would he 'make the cut', ie, be my friend.

I think this thread is popular because it resonates with lots of people. I have lots of friends who are in long term relationships and they all have their ups and downs and doubts. My 2 friends who were most 'in love' 10 years ago have come the closest of all of us to splitting up. Look around you and ask yourself if any of the people you know are happier than you with their relationships. There was article in the paper recently about how soppy movies actually spoil relationships because people basically expect too much.

My mum left my dad because she fell 'in love'. The physical attraction and obsession was obvious to everyone but he was a jealous bastard who ruined her life. You sound like you have a great relationship- its all your own decision but if you are going to jump in do so with both feet and dont look back.

I love my DH an don't feel as though I have settled at all, but had a very different "courtship" (for want of a better word) to other relationships. In the heady days of youth, the turmoil of relationships, the waiting for calls (no text messages in the start of my dating days!!) the intense feeling of being in love tended to be accompanied with uncertainty and drama.

When I met (now) DP at the age of 29, there was none of the falling in love that went on, but I didn't feel that I could recreated the feelings of my younger days without changing my very reliable DH for the drama of is it? Or isn't it?

I hope this makes some sense, it has come out a bit higgledy piggledy!

I married my DH because he was the person I'd fallen most deeply in love with of all my relationships. But... I was in my early thirties and we'd started off as friends so I think all the great characteristics that make him such a great husband was what I fell in love with.
To answer your question, no I wouldn't marry someone I didn't have that spark with. I'd rapidly become very squemish at shagging them, and I'd wind up fancying other people and being tempted to cheat.

i think i settled, even though after 23 years together, and two children, i am very happy.

i think i stuck to the one person who offered me some stability when i was in need of it. my dh was a lifesaver really, but i cannot say ive ever felt head of heels giddy in love.
i love him very deeply and its very solid, but there was never any passion. We are a very good team.

That said, sometimes, not often, i feel a little sad that i have not got that "spark" - i actually had a dream the other night, about someone i hadnt even ever met, it wasnt one of "those" dreams per se but i remember feeling when i looked at that person i could couldnt keep my hands off them (ive no idea who he was!!) and when i woke up, i felt a little, sad, i suppose, that ive not had that in real life.
i have felt attraction for people, just a couple of times, felt lust rather than love.
maybe i just got past that - i know that if i had conducted relationships with the people i was really attracted to it wouldnt have lasted and they would probably have been very bad for me.

DH is good for me. he has his faults, but im quite happy, most of the time, even after 23 years.
i suppose its a very personal choice and i married very young.
good luck op whatever you decide.

You describe the way we were once. And I thought that was enough...but it wasn't. Sex was more important to me than I realised...and not a superficial reason because it really bonds you when things aren't going so well, which will of course happen.

However, some people don't yearn for that crazy "in love" feeling. Not sure it really does anyone any good, but if you think you might want it at some stage, do think about things really really seriously. Most of my friends married without really imagining a whole life together.

Hard to turn back once you are married. Possible, but difficult and traumatic.

rather than burning passion, what about a mutual certainty that you're on the same page, get each other, value each other?!!?!?

You can have both blueberries, DH and I certainly do.

What Sheila says seems very instinctively true to me though. It IS crazy to throw away something just in case something better comes along. If you lived your whole life like that you'd never get anything done or stick to anything.

Maybe the point is, at certain times of life it feels right to just get rid of a relationship because it's not perfect - mostly but not exclusively when you're young. At other times, and for certain people maybe, it's harder. Because life isn't totally free of context. you have to make decisions in the order they come up, you don't get an overview. If it was all a no-brainer we wouldn't be on the thread.

(rambles on)