Is 'settling' always a bad thing?

[qumquat]

On one level I absolutely want to marry my DP. We get on like a house on fire, support and care for each other practically and emotionally, want the same things in terms of jobs, children, share interested and friendships, as well as having our own interests and friendships, we share beliefs and hopes about the world and our lives. Sex is the only thing which isn't wonderful at the moment but it is good and improving.
We've talked lots about getting married next summer, pretty much planned the day, named our children, planned where we'd like to live in the future etc etc.

And yet . . . . I still have doubts. Basically because we never had the crazy honeymoon period I've never felt properly 'in love'. I love him deeply but I wouldn't describe myself as 'in love'. Does this matter? I see so many 'in love' relationships where the couple get on so much worse than we do, or they only last a few years (we've outlasted some married friends at 10 years), or they have nothing in common or argue over basic aspirations for life. And of course on MN I see lots of formerly 'in love' couples where there is abuse and betrayal. Am I considering throwing something away that is actually very special?

Obviously the ideal would be to have what I have with DP AND be 'in love', but is the ideal accessible to everyone? I think we're led to believe that it is, but is this just a damaging belief which makes people unhappy as they are aspiring to something only a few very lucky people manage to achieve?

Sorry this became a lot longer than I was expecting. I would really appreciate hearing from others, particularly anyone who's been in a similar situation.

I'm in such a panic today. I feel like whichever decision I make it could ruin my life. Either be isolated and childless or feeling stuck in a marriage with a man I don't fancy enough; either way I picture myself being eaten up with regret. I wish I could just flick a switch and make all the doubt go away. I am so lucky to have dp, why cant i just appreciate him as he deserves! I know rationally the grass is not always greener, but i cant stop pondering its posdible shades of green... I'm 33 and I'm terrified my indecision will cost me the chance to have dcs. Sorry, having a low day.

qumquat, on the bright side, you don't already have dcs and so have much more choices ...

Apologies if you have already explained earlier in the thread, but how far along in your relationship did you start getting this feeling that your dp is not enough? How long have you both been together?

What age did you get together with him - could you have been too young to know yourself then? Or did you always know he was not a knee trembler but sort of drifted into a long term relationship with him.

I had similar thoughts before I was due to marry DH earlier this year.
We had been together a long time.

Decided due to do many reasons to stay and pleased I did.
He is so caring and special and has a wonderful family.
We have joint interests and have lots of fun together.
Also have been through a lot of hard stuf together tht has only made us stronger

on mobile so keeping this brief, just saw your post and wanted to say I am just turning 34, I left a relationship that wasn't all that I wanted at 32, 6 months later I met my now dh and been married 3 months now. you never know what is around the corner, if only we could predict the future. please just listen to your gut instinct, you will do the right thing!

Can you hold off marriage for now? If its the panic more than anything else is it worth just letting things continue for now?

Not that I'm one to talk - I settled. I fancied the pants off him, he was, and still is, the best sex of my life, our "can't keep you're it hands off each other" phase lasted about 4years. We've been married for 6years, been together nearly 8, 2DC.

But I knew when we married it wasn't quite right - he was there at the right time showing me I was capable of love and being in love and he stopped me going down a very self destructive path. But our interests are wildly different, we are not intellectual equals (in terms of what we find intellectually stimulating rather than differing levels of intelligence) so I worry that eventually we will have nothing to talk about.

Just hoping this is mainly because we have two small children, the youngest of which doesn't sleep, and it will get better once we are rested and get to spend time together again. But I'm not convinced we were too young, I didn't know or trust myself and didn't, in my heart of hearts, want to upset him.

Sounds like you have something brilliant though and if the sex is improving then it might be worth sticking out?

OP it does not sound that you are settling. You have it all - you just insist that you should have had this crazy in love, butterflies in stomach feeling first as well. But that's just a crush and in no way showing how good the rest of the relationship will be. Yes, we have been fed the idea that this is the only proper way to enter into a relationship and all other beginnings are settling, but I don't believe that.

I've had the mad-passionate-can't sleep "love" with a couple of men, way more strongly than with DH, with whom it started more quietly. Once the fog faded, that's all there was. Just hormones. Which were developed by mother nature to make us reproduce, and sure it can in some cases happen that you will also have more with this person, but it's just one way to start a relationship. Having the adrenaline and dopamine surge initially is not required, does not show that this person would also make a suitable long term partner. Lack of it does not mean you are settling.

As for being in love - York psychologist, Professor Arthur Arun, has been studying why people fall in love. He asked his subjects to:

Find a complete stranger.
Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.
Then, stare deeply into each other?s eyes without talking for four minutes.

and found that many of his couples felt deeply attracted after the 34 minute experiment. Two of his subjects later got married.

Good post HazleNutt.

OP other than the sexual butterflies, is there anything else you feel you're missing?

I had the honeymoon constant sex period with DH and, while it was great, I can imagine that a relationship without that could still be successful. What I can't imagine being without is just the sheer amount I love him- how awful I feel when he's upset, for example. How much I look forward to seeing him. Sorry as this will sound cheesy, but it does surprise me still (6 years in) just how bloody much i completely love him. I think if those feelings weren't there, then I'd worry much more (personally) than if the sex wasn't as good.

Wanted to come back to explain what I meant about my comments re. socialisation about sex, mainly because this might be of relevance to the OP's dilemma.

I think women are under tremendous and conflicting pressure WRT their sexual needs. So women either feel pressure to be a sexual gymnast or to relegate their sexual needs while in a relationship; the messages about female sexuality are so confusing and are I think, a hangover from society's madonna-whore complex.

While the single woman's magazine marketing message is to promote women's right to great sex with whoever she wants, the magazines aimed at mothers convey a rather different message, which is that sex is less important to women than security, friendship, children's stability, the appearance of their houses and...... creating the perfect Christmas. If sex is mentioned, it's less about the sexual experience from a woman's perspective, encouraging her to reach her potential with a partner she trusts - and more about keeping a marriage going so that the family unit is maintained.

Here's where I think it's got relevance to the OP (and all women, really.)

In an ideal world, it should be equally acceptable for a woman to be unfussed about sex and passion in relationships, as it is for a woman to give those things a high priority. Neither position is right or wrong, but it makes sense to know yourself and if seeking a couple relationship, to find someone who is on the same page so that expectations can be matched.

OP I've mentioned a couple of times on this thread that in order to make a decision about this, you need to be self-aware. You also need to know where your partner is coming from on this issue. If you've been together for 10 years and are considering marriage and children, it's time to have an honest dialogue about this.

One of the things you could try is some counselling on your own to explore your personality and whether a few years down the line, you're likely to feel short-changed and therefore might become vulnerable to the attentions of someone else, or whether you're a woman who is unlikely ever to be especially motivated by sex and passion in relationships. Then perhaps some couples counselling, to see whether you've both got some vulnerabilities in this area. Your partner for example, might find himself just as vulnerable later on to relationship with someone who desires him intensely.

This is too big a decision I think, to cross your fingers and hope for the best. Having some counselling is a good compromise between jettisoning a relationship that has many good qualities - and taking a risk on the unknown future.

I am the op. I decided to commit. We now have an expensive mortgage and a 4 month old. I was happy as Larry until bang, all the doubts came back. What a mess. Now I really would ruin his life if we split, and wed both be financially ruined. Poor dd. I feel suicidal.

OP, if you have a four month old, your hormones will be all over the place. I didn't even like my husband for the first year after my first child's birth- traumatic delivery, 24/7 breastfeeding, hormones everywhere. I honestly couldn't ever remember why I married him. We are still together and much happier out of the baby stage, 11 years later.

If you are feeling suicidal, this suggests that you are experiencing post-natal depression or something similar- I strongly advise you to go to your GP and tell them how you are feeling.

If you feel truly desperate:

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

I have called them before in my life and sometimes having a non-judgmental listening ear really is a life-saver.

Finally, don't make any decisions now. The first year after the first child is the most dangerous in terms of splitting up and couples having difficulties because having a child is a very stressful experience and hormones are everywhere and you are too exhausted to make good judgments.

This can all be sorted out, but not now, do get yourself some support.

"Now I really would ruin his life if we split, and wed both be financially ruined. Poor dd. I feel suicidal."

If you feel suicidal please ask for help and call Samaritans urgently. Settling sounds like it wasn't the right decision in the end but there is no need to compound the mistake by staying in the marriage just because of money or a baby. Please allow others to help you see that there is a useful and happy life beyond the one you're currently experiencing.... not death.

The first six months - at least - after a baby you need to discount doubts about your relationship/arguments.

As the pp said so well, your hormones and the shell shock of giving birth and your life changing will be ruling your emotional life. You can't see things clearly now, you really can't.

And it does sound as if you might have pnd. I had pnd with my second DS and it was horrible. I went to the GP, had counselling, went to a support group. All helped.

Give yourself time. This is no time to make big decisions or berate your life choices.

Take it day by day and get some help

The OP had severe doubts before having the baby....

Thank you. I feel like I want to kill myself but know that I can't, iyswim. I won't abandon dd or my family. Part of me thinks, give it a year, but isn't that just what I did for the previous 11? I need to decide if I'm going back to work full or part time, we are not married (got engaged then gp immediately so put wedding on ice, I was relieved...) so even more financially ruined if I gp part time. Told dp how I was feeling and he was howling for a day, now back to denial and acting as normal. I love our life, why is it not enough? I have got myself back on anti-ds and sleeping pills, but still can't slept even though dd can go 4 hours. Need to tell work my plans in 2 weeks. My salary will barely cover a 1 bed flat and childcare. Dp was born to be a dad. I am destroying him. Sorry for ramble.

It matters. The relationship you describe sounds a lot like the one I was in before I met my husband. Then I fell in love with my husband and had no choice but to leave as I knew I couldn't not pursue that. Sorry OP.

The main emotion I felt after I met him was relief. It was like, when I kissed him my heart said "Yes you are in the right place, you don't need to worry."

This is lovely. It's how I felt when I met my DP. A sort of 'ahhh, there you are' feeling. There was no drama, no will he/w

After four years and a DD together DP and I still fancy the pants off each other. I still get a little twang of excitement when I get a text message from him.

OP I've been in a relationship like you describe. He was kind, clever, handsome, very funny, creative, talented, etc. But he just never properly clicked for me on a sexual level. It felt incestuous.

I was terrified to end it because I knew he was a safe bet. He adored me and would never ever have hurt me. But in the end i knew it would never be enough for me.

You say you love your life but you're clearly unhappy. So the conclusion has to be that something about your life is not loveable but causing you great anguish. By being so overly worried about your DP's happiness, by living your life based on what would make him happy, you are ignoring your own feelings and have been doing since way before your first post in 18 months ago.

Your problem is that you think you are in a 'grass is greener' situation. You are worried that, if you call it a day and cause the inevitable upset, you will be no happier and no better off. You fear the unknown and that is always understandable. But what you know for definite is that this life that you allege to love is making you miserable to the point of wanting to be dead.

We're not arguing. We're getting on as well as ever. I think I thought this would be my payoff, no romance but a great parenting team. And we are. And it's not enough. I'm a Selfish vile spoilt hopeless

You are not selfish, vile or spoilt. You have made an error of judgement and that's something that anyone is capable of doing.

Oops, some of my post was missing.

It should say: there was no drama or 'will he/won't he call me?' But it was still exhilarating. I think a relationship needs a good sexual foundation as that's the thing that bonds you during times when everything else is a bit crap or feels like drudgery.

Oh god I posted before I RATFT. Sorry OP.

I agree, it sounds like there may be some PND at play here. Before you go making any big life decisions take care of your health and make sure you are well.

I have a four month dd too and it is tough.

But please, look after you first.

OP I hope you are ok, please get yourself to the doctors and speak to someone

I just can't see a way out of tgis

Please call the Samaritans, OP.