Is 'settling' always a bad thing?

[qumquat]

On one level I absolutely want to marry my DP. We get on like a house on fire, support and care for each other practically and emotionally, want the same things in terms of jobs, children, share interested and friendships, as well as having our own interests and friendships, we share beliefs and hopes about the world and our lives. Sex is the only thing which isn't wonderful at the moment but it is good and improving.
We've talked lots about getting married next summer, pretty much planned the day, named our children, planned where we'd like to live in the future etc etc.

And yet . . . . I still have doubts. Basically because we never had the crazy honeymoon period I've never felt properly 'in love'. I love him deeply but I wouldn't describe myself as 'in love'. Does this matter? I see so many 'in love' relationships where the couple get on so much worse than we do, or they only last a few years (we've outlasted some married friends at 10 years), or they have nothing in common or argue over basic aspirations for life. And of course on MN I see lots of formerly 'in love' couples where there is abuse and betrayal. Am I considering throwing something away that is actually very special?

Obviously the ideal would be to have what I have with DP AND be 'in love', but is the ideal accessible to everyone? I think we're led to believe that it is, but is this just a damaging belief which makes people unhappy as they are aspiring to something only a few very lucky people manage to achieve?

Sorry this became a lot longer than I was expecting. I would really appreciate hearing from others, particularly anyone who's been in a similar situation.

OP I honestly don't know what to advise you. Part of me thinks that, despite there being many good things there, it may not be the right thing for you to do because the sex not being great at the start means that you'll always be a little vulnerable to the idea of having great sex with someone, especially if someone comes along who fits that particular bill.

I have good sex with DH ... but there are other people in my life I've had off the chain sex with and, though they were far from right in other areas, that used to make me compare unfavourably, when the reality is, what works for me is a possibly diluted down version of the off the chain sex, combined with great compatibility in every other way. I do love my DH more than I did at the start simply because we've been through a lot together and come to know each other better. But even sexwise, there was enough there at the start for me to know it was right.

I dunno, I've just read the above and it's no help right?

There's no easy answer Hell. I think you just know if you're making the right decision, and there's no way to quantify that. While I did have "grass is greener" worries early on in my relationship with DH (as I was only 19 when we met) by the time we married six years later I was completely sure that was what I wanted. At that point I just felt sure we would be together for life, so why not get married? It just seemed a natural thing to do. I'm sure not everyone feels like that, but I think if you don't then you owe it to yourself to examine why that is.

Could it be a straightforward fear of commitment?

fluffyraggies what a beautiful, beautiful post. My heart fluttered just reading it and I feel a bit teary-eyed.

You and your DH were lucky to find each other, I don't think many people have love like that. I'm still looking!

Some of you make it sound so easy. I'm jealous, self pitying and a bit sad?

Just once in my life I would like to experience a relationship where a decent man who is like a friend as well a lover fancies you as much as you fancy him. I have never had that. There has always been one element missing. If I waited for that perfect 'in love' feeling, I'd have nothing to compare anything with. I'd have a blank history which would set me apart from most people with a number of relationships behind them. I wouldn't have my children. I wouldn't have had the smooth that came with the rough.

I know where you're coming from Blueberries. I guess we can't rule out the possibility because we don't know what's going to happen in the future. But we can only work - or not - with what we've got now.

There is plenty of counter-warning to the romanticised Hollywood image of love - lots of stern magazine articles about how life isn't always like that, no relationship is perfect etc. But maybe it's like serious illness - you read the articles and nod, but secretly you think you are the exception, that you will find the perfect relationship, oh and live forever. So it comes as a shock when it dawns on you that it may not happen for you.

It seems to me that there is some dissonance between posters who associate passion and being in love with pain, angst and torment - as well as the generally positive sensations of feeling alive and having reciprocal desire. And those who associate passion and being in love with those positive emotions plus feelings of being allowed to be oneself, of comfort, of honesty about feelings, of feeling safe, of allowing oneself to be vulnerable and taking a risk.

This might explain why there is a polarisation of opinion and experiences here - we are in fact discussing different things.

Posters who have had bad associations with being in love might in fact be referring to infatuation or intense feelings for someone that cause judgement to be suspended - these feelings are often said to be the closest to insanity most people will get. It is indiscriminating and because normal, sensible judgement is suspended, it can be harmful if the object of our feelings is an unwise choice. Most people will have experienced this at some time in their lives.

But this state is different to more considered and measured feelings of being in love, which is more discriminating and self-protective. More rational and based on self-awareness and sound decision-making. But still delightful, intense, warm, comforting, invigorating and capable of making all the senses tingle.

No. I get what you're saying, I just haven't experience it.

ladyfoxcustard yeh half of me still has the optimism to believe it might still happen and the other half accepts that for some reason I can't figure out, it won't happen to me.

Also, it seems to me that a lot of posters need to believe that it's not just pot luck that they're with somebody they love. They present possible reasons it hasn't happened to the rest of us, ie, placing too much emphasis on looks (no, I don't. What I want most is somebody who is GREAT company). Or that your boundaries are up, or that your childhood affected you...............

And isn't saying not to put too much emphasis on looks exactly what some people count as settling?

I've found this thread very interesting. I spent a lot of time deciding whether to settle with my exDP. Many things were great but something was always missing. Eventually he took the "problem" out of my hands by calling me out on it and announcing he had met someone else. What I'm trying to say is I find it reassuring that so many people have come to the conclusion that settling isn't enough and met people they didn't feel they were settling for when the wrong side of 30.

It is completely pot luck to meet someone when you're both available and in a position to commit to a good relationship. Just a good coincidence of timing.

But the truth is that there are hundreds if not thousands of people who could and would have the same effect - the idea that there is a Noah's ark where people have invisible pairing numbers on their heads is a fantasy.

It's certainly true that you increase your chances of meeting a suitable partner if the person you know and love best is yourself and therefore you combine high standards with pragmatism and self-awareness.

I think women are far more vulnerable than men to downgrading the importance of sex and desire in their relationships. So often we see posts on here where women feel ridiculous for even considering leaving a relationship where there is no or unsatisfactory sex. Women are socialised all the time that this shouldn't matter and that it's not as important as other factors in a relationship. So women deny that it is, settle for a lacklustre sexual relationship and then get a shock when they meet someone who sets rockets off and shows them that they were sold a pup that sexual desire wasn't important to them.

Much better to work out before causing hurt to oneself and others that sex is important to you and that there's no shame acknowledging it and holding out for a relationship that delivers it, along with all the other factors that are of importance.

I know, I thought that too littlestranger. to be honest I've never felt chemistry with somebody who was UNattractive or physically unappealing. It's very easy to say 'i'm IN love with my husband and I still fancy the pants off him' if he's a reasonably handsome man.

I'm not looking for brad pitt.

I'll carry on holding out til I die alone I guess!

And I'm being flippant, and light hearted when I type that, but .......... anyway.

B1ueberries what steps are you taking to expose yourself socially to as many people as possible, because obviously if you want to meet someone, it's really important to be 'out there'? Are you a member of various groups (volunteer groups, sports clubs etc)? What about a holiday with a bunch of strangers (which I did a lot of in my single days and it's really fun)?

Personally I don't rate internet dating because it's mainly shag-based but others would say it's well worth doing?

Well, with two children it's not easy to join clubs. I'm not 'out there'. nope. I'm right here.

Ok 'out there' is pushing it a bit but I do think for your own good, some type of social life would be a good thing (working around the children). In order to meet someone, you have to be meeting people -- at least occasionally.

Yeah I only meet women. :-/

fluffy
im a little sad reading your post and knowing what i missed.
its way too late for me now. and thats a good thing - i couldnt break up what i have. i also married young - at 19. what did i know?

ill never have that.
it s fine. and im sooooo past it now

I think you have to be careful not to compare your relationship with other peoples relationships. We are bombarded everyday with programmes, music and literature that tells us what love is supposed to be like (usuallly some passionate, grand sweeping fairy tale). If you're not careful, you can end up thinking love should be or feel a certain way, or your partner should react a cetain way, or the sex you enjoy isn't as great as it should be etc , when in actual fact your relationship has a lot going for it.

Remember each relationship is as unique as the individuals in it, and guaranteed your relationship will have good facets about it that are missing in another couples - for all that theirs may appear more blissful. There is no universal love type IYKSWIM

One thing: You are never ever going to get everything you want and need in any one relationship, and if you have baggage or hangups you'll inevitably bring most of it with you to a new one.

Having said all that its no point wasting time with someone you're not suited too and you're not even married to.

I think you should think about how you actually feel around this man. How would you feel if your relationship ended tomorrow? Would you find him hard to replace? Or would you relish your freedom? Or would you look back ocassionally with regret? If you suddenly had some severe misfortune occur, would you want his support to pull you through?

Then make your decision from there.

I sometimes ask myself "if this man were a woman, would I still want to spend time with him?" and recently when I asked myself that, the answer was... well, thered be other female friends whose company I'd enjoy more. I have good female friendships. We chat easily and honestly and we 'get' each other and support each other but see the humour in all sorts of little things. If I could find that in a man I'd snap him up.

Can having strong female friendships make you fussier with men?

I disagree about the inevitability of bringing the baggage with you. I've been single for five years + now. My kids are older. No communication with x at all, so no fighting. I feel now like I'm in a better place emotionally than before I met him. The practicalities of dating harder now with two children but I have less baggage now than before I met my x. My 'baggage' is two quirky spirited demanding children!!

I'm interested in the idea that women are socialised to believe sex isn't important in relationships. Could this be generational? I feel I've been socialised in just the opposite way. The magazines I read throughout my teens and twenties were stuffed with sex, and with the idea that it would be the most important thing in any relationship.

Ladyfox, might that be Cosmopolitan?

ah good old Cosmo! Also Glamour, Company etc. The "grown-up" glossies, Elle etc, have it as a subtext too.

I am still working on how to give a better bj

yeah, I feel that the pressure to be good at sex, like it's an event in the olympics, is out there.