Is 'settling' always a bad thing?

[qumquat]

On one level I absolutely want to marry my DP. We get on like a house on fire, support and care for each other practically and emotionally, want the same things in terms of jobs, children, share interested and friendships, as well as having our own interests and friendships, we share beliefs and hopes about the world and our lives. Sex is the only thing which isn't wonderful at the moment but it is good and improving.
We've talked lots about getting married next summer, pretty much planned the day, named our children, planned where we'd like to live in the future etc etc.

And yet . . . . I still have doubts. Basically because we never had the crazy honeymoon period I've never felt properly 'in love'. I love him deeply but I wouldn't describe myself as 'in love'. Does this matter? I see so many 'in love' relationships where the couple get on so much worse than we do, or they only last a few years (we've outlasted some married friends at 10 years), or they have nothing in common or argue over basic aspirations for life. And of course on MN I see lots of formerly 'in love' couples where there is abuse and betrayal. Am I considering throwing something away that is actually very special?

Obviously the ideal would be to have what I have with DP AND be 'in love', but is the ideal accessible to everyone? I think we're led to believe that it is, but is this just a damaging belief which makes people unhappy as they are aspiring to something only a few very lucky people manage to achieve?

Sorry this became a lot longer than I was expecting. I would really appreciate hearing from others, particularly anyone who's been in a similar situation.

[Maisie0]

Please do not beat yourself up about the past. You can only create actionable steps from this point onwards and also towards the future. If you realised that you have pleased the other person too much, then what can you do now to change things around and allow yourself to be yourself again ?

[Thanks]

[qumquat]

My friends say we are both good people. I don't feel like one right now. I just hope on 5 years time we are in a better place

[qumquat]

I think we both have low self esteem and thought we couldn't do better. We have tried to please the other one at the expense of ourselves. I'm starting to realise how messed up it all is.

[MarmiteMania]

Sorry instinct not instance!

[MarmiteMania]

I know people who have chased perfection in relayionships and waited so long there is now nothing out there slightly worth settling for. If you truly, genuinely love him deeply, don't worry about the 'in love' bit. You have to really, really like the person he is, love him and respect him. Without those three things I wouldn't commit.

Are you like me the type who always wants what they cant have? If however your instance is screaming negativity at you, listen to that.

[Maisie0]

If both of you are very sentimental people, and are actually quite the people pleaser, then take a step backwards and actually re-evaluate your own relationship. Maybe for him, he gets a kick out of pleasing you, but, you also need to please yourself too. Or to find common grounds of areas which both of you can put into. Or maybe instead of him doing the housework, you do some, and then he does something else. Cos when two people are the same in a relationship, they need to define their own role in it. I just left a person who is similar to me, and we have to define our relationship in a particular way. I have never met someone like that, and I believe in him when he stated that he was very independent when he met me. He was. I kind of ground him down to pieces, but actually, that is also not good too. Cos we both were too emotional.

It is okay to feel smug, but, remember what you want from a relationship to begin with, and our validation does not necessarily mean that it should be external. Even with some of my close girlfriends, I realised that we need to be handling each other with care, and with sensitivity. In order to preserve each others' identity as a person.

[qumquat]

I'm back on ads and signed up for counselling. I've just got to accept I've fucked up. I used to read threads on here and feel smug he did so much housework! Turns out I was the cocklodger

[qumquat]

We have a cleaner, but prior to that he did most of the housework and he still does most of the cooking, shopping, organising. He has put me on a pedestal for sure but he is not lazy. I think he felt that if he made my life easy I would stay with him, and he was right.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Actually, your DP doesn't sound that much of a saint. He sounds like a smotherer. I bet he's spent the entire relationship telling you he can't live without you and that everything will be fine if you only shut up and let him own you. And now you are exhausted and hormonal and miserable and he's just wailing rather than helping.

Please talk to your GP or your HV and keep telling yourself that you Don't need to decide anything today You need to look after yourself.
How much housework is this 'wonderful' man doing BTW?

[qumquat]

Dd is crying all the time. I'm sure she's picked up on my mood

[qumquat]

Op here. I told dp how I felt. I just can't not. He is sweeping it under the carpet. I desperately want to as well but I can't. I feel so wretchedly guilty for destroying his life, and too emotionally frail to bring up my daughter. I am lost. I want to be able to settle with him, but my gut is screaming at me to leave. If only this had happened before dd, but u think it took her for me to realise my mistake. What a mess. I keep talking to dp about suicide- as if breaking his heart wasn't enough! I just think things would be so much easier for him and dd if I were dead. Cowardly as always!

[Maisie0]

Yes. I am curious about that too.

[heyho1985]

How are you feeling today OP?

[MadBusLady]

You've got mail (hopefully).

[Terrifiedandregretful]

Mad bus lady - I've had a message saying you have pm'd me, but then my inbox says no messages, not sure what's going on.

[Terrifiedandregretful]

Mad bus lady, great to see you. Chat soon x

[Terrifiedandregretful]

Yorkie I agree with everything you've said. Sadly instead i got engaged, bought a house and had a baby with him. (See up thread)

[MadBusLady]

qumquat I've lurked on this thread for months while making a similar decision myself, we have talked about it elsewhere with me under another name. I'm sorry to see your update. Will post properly later but hang on in there girl, you can and you will make the right decisions when you are able. You sound so, so low right now. You will emerge on the other side of this and one way or another you will have the life you want, I'll be back later

[Charley50]

Sorry Koala that's awful. X
Hi OP I too suffer from chronic indecision. It's awful - years can go by without me making a serious decision about various important things.
You've just had a baby. Hormones galore. Try and relax and enjoy your baby and DP and don't make any rash decisions while you are in a bad place.

[Hormonalhell]

Koala, don't understand where he's coming from at all....what does the guy effing want????

[yorkierocks123]

You are not settling because your relationship sounds good BUT if it isn't making you happy at 33 and with no kids then get out. Really if you are meant to be together you'll get back together but I think you both need to experience how you feel with other people and see how important that spark/sex is.

33 is still really young and you would be crazy to settle down with someone if you have any doubts, whether they are 'legitimate' or not.

[Maisie0]

It doesn't help that I am chronically indecisive about everything, I never trust my judgement or have confidence in my own beliefs, so making a decision of this magnitude completely paralyses me (hence it taking me ten years and counting . . )

But you should be able to decide, and you should listen to your own internal gut instincts. If you are not certain or sure, then give yourself room. If you do not feel that absolute feeling, then the answer to yourself is that, this is not what you think it is. Each time you make decisions which fits into your own internal feeling, with what you see externally, then it can indeed become wholistic.

I am a bit surprised actually that you told him your feeling and he does not bat an eyelid. Lol. There is something wrong with that somehow...

You should trust your beliefs. That is what makes us as a person. It is our own personality.

If you are not sure, then why not take a break and not give yourself any pressure, and put any wedding plans on "hold" until you realise for sure what something means. If there are too many information and too much, then step back, reflect, and be open-minded, and let your own feelings come through. Cos you will know by then what is what.

[KoalaDownUnder]

Oh god, sorry Hormonalhell - I'm sure you will not end up in the same situation I'm in!

Seriously, it has thrown me for a loop. I have been through so many horrible relationships, and I remember feeling as if I'd finally got my 'reward' when I met R. On our first date, we held hands and shared dessert. I remember him saying, 'Isn't this just so...easy?!'...and I knew exactly what he meant. I honestly thought I'd finally met my life partner, and that's a thought I haven't had for 20 years.

I thought people broke up either because there was a physical attraction and a personality mis-match, OR because they got on well as friends but the physical/sexual side was missing. Or, further down the track, because they argued (about different life goals, or money, or kids, etc.) None of those things were true for us. We never argued. He just got increasingly distant, until he finally bit the bullet tonight and announced that he...'had no romantic feelings towards me'. Even while he was saying it, he repeated that he was incredibly physically attracted to me and I'm his best friend.

Its not something I can fix or fight, and it breaks my heart.

[Hormonalhell]

Oh koala how sad the way you describe your relationship is like me n DP. Am fretting now as we been together only two months

[KoalaDownUnder]

I apologise for dumping that in the middle of the thread.

I have just arrived home bawling my head off, and the topic caught my eye. Sorry for being self-indulgent. I'm just so hurt.

Sympathy to everyone else on this thread who is in a bad place.