Is 'settling' always a bad thing?

[qumquat]

On one level I absolutely want to marry my DP. We get on like a house on fire, support and care for each other practically and emotionally, want the same things in terms of jobs, children, share interested and friendships, as well as having our own interests and friendships, we share beliefs and hopes about the world and our lives. Sex is the only thing which isn't wonderful at the moment but it is good and improving.
We've talked lots about getting married next summer, pretty much planned the day, named our children, planned where we'd like to live in the future etc etc.

And yet . . . . I still have doubts. Basically because we never had the crazy honeymoon period I've never felt properly 'in love'. I love him deeply but I wouldn't describe myself as 'in love'. Does this matter? I see so many 'in love' relationships where the couple get on so much worse than we do, or they only last a few years (we've outlasted some married friends at 10 years), or they have nothing in common or argue over basic aspirations for life. And of course on MN I see lots of formerly 'in love' couples where there is abuse and betrayal. Am I considering throwing something away that is actually very special?

Obviously the ideal would be to have what I have with DP AND be 'in love', but is the ideal accessible to everyone? I think we're led to believe that it is, but is this just a damaging belief which makes people unhappy as they are aspiring to something only a few very lucky people manage to achieve?

Sorry this became a lot longer than I was expecting. I would really appreciate hearing from others, particularly anyone who's been in a similar situation.

I agree LadyFox, it is bloody hard. I don't think it's automatically the case that there's always something better out there or that you have to be struck by love for the relationship to succeed. Look at arranged marriages - in some cases the couple only meets a few times or just the once before marrying and a surprisingly large proportion of them are genuinely happy. A friend of mine only met her husband 6 weeks before they married, they're now together 7 years with two children and are a wonderful couple.

I am still tempted to say though that if you have to convince yourself to stay with someone there is something very important missing. And that that something important will bite you on the arse some day.

I think my problem is I would always have to convince myself Cailin. Everything qumquat says about indecision and self-doubt is true of me too (again!) I do quite oftenfind it hard to tell in life what is a genuine problem and what is me over-thinking. Same with my career.

I'm still so relieved this thread got started - I thought I was the only person in the world finding this so difficult.

I think we get this idea of what 'love' should be pushed in our faces from all angles - films, magazines, other media, and it's often a distorted view of reality. We're led to believe we should be able to indefinitely sustain that lust for our partner. Having the same values, beliefs, hopes, wanting the same things, being able to support each other emotionally and practically - all the things you said your relationship has - count for a lot. It's all too easy to feel physical attraction towards someone - ie feel 'in lust' for want of a better phrase, and start filling in the gaps and imagining that they will also be reliable, share your values, be kind and considerate etc etc. I know, because I've been there - felt that instant physical attraction towards someone other than my DH, and it really shook me up - but few relationships can remain in the giddy, can't keep your hands off each other honeymoon phase, as others said upthread, because it's exhausting and not the best frame of mind for making important decisions either . If as you say, the sex is improving, then perhaps that feeling will develop gradually??

Imagine yourself 10, 20, 30, 40 years down the line. Will you be glad you married someone with whom you have loads in common, can hold interesting conversations with, and love deeply, or will you still be hankering after that honeymoon feeling? For me, I feel I would hate to throw away something that is so good, just for the physical chemistry, which can come and go depending on mood/ illness/ circumstances etc, because I know I would be hard pushed to find someone else who is as caring, supportive, good with the kids, helpful and considerate (and I've looked at many people's seemingly perfect marriages to come to that conclusion.) Don't get me wrong, I do sometimes get frustrated that our sex life isn't all I'd like it to be, but we're working on it. And most marriages do require some work and some compromise at times. But it's worth it.

CailinDana (beautiful girl) can one really have it all though? What is the Irish for average girl......... that would be me! can she have it all? It hasn't happened so far :-/ I had it once briefly in my 20s and when that relationship ended it was the most painful thing I've ever endured. I'm not sure I would 'inspire' the passion in the calibre of man who I myself would admire. I can imagine feeling that intensity of feeling for a man who wasn't attractive, decent, good company, practical, generous, good humoured...... realistically, that man that I've 'painted' there, he can take his pick and although I am not asking for anything i can't offer myself, my experiences would indicate that that is asking too much

B1ueberries CailinDana is 'bold girl'... you could be one of those right?

I agree with what you said above but I think a lot of one's openness/ability to having it all relationshipwise stems from the upbringing, ie, relationship with Dad, relationship between parents, family dynamics; in short, what you saw of relationships as a child.

With regard to what Charbon said:
It's perfectly possible to have burning passion, great sex and a partner who's a great friend, a wonderful parent and with whom you have a strong emotional and cerebral connection.

I think for many that's an impossible ideal. Of course it is. We only have to look at the Relationships board. For example, how is a woman who only saw abuse as a child going to achieve any of that? How is a woman who grew up with no parental stability going to achieve any of that?

Speaking for myself who didn't come from any of the scenarios above but also didn't have an amazing model of relationships from my own parents, I know that in a long-term relationship, I'll never achieve all of the above because essentially, I'm the product of everything that's ever happened in my life and I'm not capable of or open to achieving all of those things, and also just don't feel I need them all. But I have achieved the majority of them and I don't look at anyone else on this thread and necessarily think they're better off than me.
At the end of the day, it's all subjective.

Here's my 'apeth:
I settled. I knew i was doing the wrong thing deep down even on my wedding day :( I couldn't talk to anyone about how i felt. I was only 20. So i went through with it. He was kind. He was crazy about me. He was faithful. The sex was as good as anything i knew about at that age. He was generous in bed because he had that passion for me. Long, deep melting kisses were off the menu because i couldn't kiss him like that. I tended to go off into a fantasy when we had sex tbh. I couldn't have him breath on me at night, or a bit of him touching me. We didn't touch, in fact, unless we were having sex. I cared for him like an older brother, or a best friend. I told myself it'd be ok because we got on well. We laughed allot together. We had the same outlook on life. We had 3 DCs. I stayed for 15 years. The whole time i felt i was doing him a dis-service because i felt a fraud. I wanted to know what that tummy flipping passion felt like. I didn't know if i was capable of it. I didn't know if it mattered.

But i was an accident waiting to happen. And it did happen. And i left my marriage. It hurt my ex.

I met someone who made everything inside me sing. When he looks me in the eyes the rest of the world just fades to a dull hum. I could literally eat him AND he's kind, crazy about me, faithful, we laugh allot together, we have the same out look on life, all of that. His kisses - he tastes like rain and sunshine and i could kiss him till the day i die without coming up for air. The sex - i cant even begin to describe it. I feel the tummy flipping passion and i should have waited for it. It's worth it. We've been together 6 years now, married this year, and when he touches me i still get the butterflies. We still snog like teenagers. The sex just gets better. I love every little bit of him, the way he looks, the way he moves, the way he smells, and i love his company.

Charbon said
This sort of relationship might work if sex wasn't terribly important to you and you had never felt attracted to others. It might also work if you believed that no long term relationship contains passion and excitement.

But it sounds like sex is important to you and that you aren't reaching anything like your sexual potential with this partner.

And you have been attracted to others and are therefore likely to be attracted again.

And that's spot on from MPOV.

ha ha! i must be the bold girl alright.

fluffyraggies, i don't know if everybody gets that happy ending that you got. 20 is very young to be married. if you'd met your current partner at 20 you could have been unhappy by 35, and then met your dh at 35 and ... well, maybe not, I 'm only speculating here.

Ha! I'm far from a "beautiful girl!" I'm very much average, there's nothing particular about me that makes me more likely to fall in love than anyone else. My parents' relationship is nothing special either - they're kind to each other I suppose but not passionate. They were terrible parents, I was sexually abused as a child, had some bad experiences as an adult, had severe depression, the whole shebang. None of that meant that I wasn't able or available for a good relationship. You don't have to be "worthy" of a great relationship by being beautiful or perfect in some way. I do think you have to value yourself though, as that will help to pick someone who truly values you. I think if you lack self confidence you're more likely to put up with bad treatment or settle for someone who nearly ticks all the boxes.

I don't think a passionate relationship is an impossible ideal but I do think luck plays a huge role in whether it happens. You might just not meet that great guy unfortunately. That's where the gamble comes in.

There seems to be a general impression that a passionate relationship is crazy and tiring involving declarations of devotion, angst and heartache. That's the movie image, and I agree it's unrealistic. That's not at all what it was like for DH and me. The main emotion I felt after I met him was relief. It was like, when I kissed him my heart said "Yes you are in the right place, you don't need to worry." It was a secure, happy feeling, not one of angst and uncertainty. We never had any dancing around each other - we kissed and that was it, we were together, solid and secure. We've had tough times since but it's always felt like it fits.

I think if you lack self confidence you're more likely to put up with bad treatment or settle for someone who nearly ticks all the boxes.

I honestly don't think it's that simple or neat, though I understand your point. Someone with lots of self confidence isn't a shoe in for a relationship that ticks all the boxes either. Also, if a woman wants children, that whole body clock thing becomes very important and there's only so much waiting around one can do for the 'perfect' man.

The main emotion I felt after I met him was relief.
I actually felt that with my DH, not so much when we met, more when we committed to each other BUT I wouldn't describe our relationship as passionate (and I'm not talking about the sex, just the relationship in general), definitely not. I've had plenty of 'passionate' before and it just didn't work for me because it didn't have enough of the other stuff: the mind compatibility, the similar ideals etc. Also, because I had that during my 20s, I don't feel I've missed anything and have now chosen (not settled for) the thing that suits me better at this stage of my life.

One thing I know to be true: everyone is not guaranteed to meet The One. Life/the world/existence is just not set up that way.

The thing about self-confidence is true I know that, but I can't figure out how it applies to me and how I am single....... and was for most of my twenties, 3 years of my 30s and now I guess I will be for most of my 40s!???

I started out knowing that you deserve a good relationship even if you're not beautiful. But along the way I have been overlooked and not noticed and any man who is (in my opinion) my equal in terms of looks, good company etc... they didn't see me in that way. I would rather be single than put up with being treated badly, but it's like here we go again........... I would value a relationship that was a notch beneath burning passion if all the other things were in place. No way would I put up with anybody lying to me or being more of a taker than a giver etc....

I agree that not everyone is guaranteed to meet the one. I feel like a very normal person who could be happy with a number of ones! but it still hasn't happened!

CailinDana, I envy you, what you have sounds good.

After 10 years the heart on sleeve wild passion wears off, and couples become much as you describe in your OP. Plus we never really know what goes on behind closed doors - some of the most 'in love' couples I know, who were so into each other at their weddings, were really just covering the cracks and didn't last. Couples who are really comfortable together don't feel the need to show it.

Often partnerships break up when one half throws over something good for what seems like a great passion, only to discover that lust wears off and they have destroyed the best thing they ever had. Just be careful. The grass is not always greener.

To quote your own words:

'We get on like a house on fire, support and care for each other practically and emotionally, want the same things in terms of jobs, children, share interested and friendships, as well as having our own interests and friendships, we share beliefs and hopes about the world and our lives.'

Is that really settling???? It sounds pretty damned good to me.

As for sex, when you stop looking over the fence that will improve. For as long as you hold back a little part of yourself and invest your emotions in thinking about the greener grass, you will never really connect with your partner. Passion is my experience about abandoning all one's barriers and investing 100%. My DH did not light my fire when I first met him. He does now. I got to know him slowly, as a friend, and it took some completely random events for me to suddenly see him in a new light. We are not perfect, have had our share of problems, but I know he is my 'one'.

You mention potential partners being your equal in terms of looks blueberries. To be honest I think this is the least important thing and I wonder if that might have stopped you from considering some potentially great partners in the past? I could be totally off the mark of course. DH I would say far outstrips me in the looks department - he has done some modelling in his time - but that doesn't really bother me. I've also been out with a guy who had a spinal deformity that meant he was a good five inches shorter than me and had unusual features -again it didn't really matter.

Have you had many relationships? Can you identify what went wrong in them, or what was missing?

I wonder are we thinking of different definitions of "passionate" hell? Perhaps it's a bad word to use - it's difficult to define. Maybe deeply loving would be better? Or an "in love" relationship?

I think if you are not physically attracted then you are just friends? I think it depends on the 2 people tbh if that stability and assurance satisfies you then that is right for you. If you are always wondering about something more passionate then maybe it isn't. I agree with callindana it is not a reckless giddiness 24/7 but it is more than just a solid deep friendship although it is that too.

Maybe in the past it would have CD, but not now. I have learnt all lessons the hard way. :-/

First boyfriend turned out to be gay. That made me feel very undesirable I think. Second boyfriend was very bossy and five years older than me. I just felt free when I finished with him. I was 26 then and my confidence wasn't bad at that point! I just never seemed ot meet men who wanted more than sex, so from the age of 26 to 29 I was virtually celibate. Then.... the one that broke my heart. The "burning passion" everybody seems to want !! Then he dumped me. Oh good grief. Anti depressants, weeks off work, my mother flying into feed me chicken soup............. too quickly after that i met my children's father who was the worst partner I have EVER had. He was horrible. Not just gay, or a bit bossy or just prefered somebody else, no he was a bastard. So, now, five + years down the line. hmmm is it my turn for a good one?!

Being 'in love' or butterflies in the stomach is just a crush. It will fade. Don't be fooled.

Loving someone over time is much more meaningful and to be treasured.

I have been in love for 21 years it is deep and meaningful too Why can't it be both?

It does not need to be both IMO. I am answering the OP.

But how do you differentiate that from a very good friendship?

I have tried very hard to fall in love with a friend, because he really liked me and our parents approved etc.

But it was impossible.

So I DO know when it is just a friendship. Loving someone is qualitatively very different. As is a crush.

I have experienced all 3.

The only thing that concerns me slightly is OP admits she has never been 'in love'. Of course, I am not sure what she perceives by being 'in love' but it is important to know when it is just your loins lighting up otherwise she might be vulnerable to affairs.

I think it matters. I was with ex husband for eight years but I never loved him properly. I thought I could settle and make it work. In the last three years we were 'friends' and in the last year he came to resent the fact I didn't love him the way he wanted me too. Things went very wrong after that. I wouldn't consider marriage again on the basis of being fond of someone as such.

I'm not sure what I perceive as being 'in love' either blue shoes. I think I've analysed this so much even I'm not sure what I feel any more. Rationally I picture us together forever, what we have works; then when we actually start looking at engagement rings I want to run for the hills. I dread walking down the aisle feeling all this doubt, but at the same time I have no desire to split up with him. It is the doubt itself which seems to be the poison, and I guess that does stem from a slight dissatisfaction with the sexual side. But we've both worked on that a lot and things are improving.
I am so angry with myself for not appreciating a good thing when I've got it.

Thanks again for all the comments, this thread makes fascinating reading.

What exactly is "being in love" anyway. I genuinely have no idea! I have been married for 25 years, love my husband deeply, still fancy the pants off him (as does he me) and feel more deeply about him than I did when we were first married. OP, I think what you have got with your partner is the basis for a very good marriage.

amothersplace you fancy the pants off him aswell as all the deep and meaningful stuff

I was with someone for 7 years and wasn't 'in love' I did love him and we had a good life etc but it didn't work out.MAybe the OP needs a break to just be on her own to really know?