DH and I always had a great sex life pre DD but things have certainly slowed down since her birth, due to my sex drive dying a rapid and almost complete death (sex reduced to once a month MAX). Our DD is now a happy healthy toddler and only recently has the physical side of our marriage picked up a little, we have had sex twice this week and DH has orgasmed 3 times (once via non penetrative contact IYSWIM). I know DH still has sexual urges, his sex drive is fairly average.
I am learning to drive and I have a couple of one hour lessons per week. A few weeks ago I came home from a lesson and DH was in the bath. I popped into the spare room for a sneaky 5 mins on MN and there was something on the desk, it was clearly semen. I checked the history and the temp internet files on the pc and they had all been wiped clean (DH is in IT). DH got out of the bath and came into the spare room to say hello. When he got in I jokily said 'you need to get yourself a better towel, next time' (or something to that effect). He said 'what are you on about ?!' I pointed to the fluid on the desk and looked at him quizzically. He denied it was semen or that he even knew what it was and how it got there. I KNEW he way lying so I calmly turned off the pc and went downstairs DH came down and admitted that it was semen and that he had been masturbating to images on the internet. I told him that I would prefer it if he wasn't so secretve about it as it makes me think that there is more to it (ie is he cheating on me in chat rooms etc). He said he understood that I would feel insecure and I asked him to not delete the addresses off our PC in future (we share our own private profile so kids wouldn't ever get access to it). He agreed.
Anyway, I had another lesson tonight, we had an hour together (in front of the tv) and he went out to his sports club. Naturally I came in here to go on MN when he left. I checked the history and sure enough he'd been downloading mpegs with titles like 'mouthf*ck' and 'dirty double penetration'. At least he'd kept the history.
My point is that I've lost a lot of confidence in my body/sexual attractiveness since childbirth. DH does his best to reassure me, and sometimes I even believe him. Then I find out that he is w*nking over leggy slim blondes and it all goes out of the window I know that it is all fantasy but part of me can't help thinking that he'd rather be with them than me, the thought makes me feel physically ill.
Looking at the properties on history I can see that I was barely out of the door before he was up here with his pants down
I don't want to deny him his right to do whatever he pleases with his own body in his own time, but how can I feel better about it ? How do I convince myself that his masturbation bears little or no relation to me ? Is that even true ?
Thanks
An embarrassed regular Mumsnetter