Husbands, masturbation & paranoia......

[ParanoidWife]

DH and I always had a great sex life pre DD but things have certainly slowed down since her birth, due to my sex drive dying a rapid and almost complete death (sex reduced to once a month MAX). Our DD is now a happy healthy toddler and only recently has the physical side of our marriage picked up a little, we have had sex twice this week and DH has orgasmed 3 times (once via non penetrative contact IYSWIM). I know DH still has sexual urges, his sex drive is fairly average.

I am learning to drive and I have a couple of one hour lessons per week. A few weeks ago I came home from a lesson and DH was in the bath. I popped into the spare room for a sneaky 5 mins on MN and there was something on the desk, it was clearly semen. I checked the history and the temp internet files on the pc and they had all been wiped clean (DH is in IT). DH got out of the bath and came into the spare room to say hello. When he got in I jokily said 'you need to get yourself a better towel, next time' (or something to that effect). He said 'what are you on about ?!' I pointed to the fluid on the desk and looked at him quizzically. He denied it was semen or that he even knew what it was and how it got there. I KNEW he way lying so I calmly turned off the pc and went downstairs DH came down and admitted that it was semen and that he had been masturbating to images on the internet. I told him that I would prefer it if he wasn't so secretve about it as it makes me think that there is more to it (ie is he cheating on me in chat rooms etc). He said he understood that I would feel insecure and I asked him to not delete the addresses off our PC in future (we share our own private profile so kids wouldn't ever get access to it). He agreed.

Anyway, I had another lesson tonight, we had an hour together (in front of the tv) and he went out to his sports club. Naturally I came in here to go on MN when he left. I checked the history and sure enough he'd been downloading mpegs with titles like 'mouthf*ck' and 'dirty double penetration'. At least he'd kept the history.

My point is that I've lost a lot of confidence in my body/sexual attractiveness since childbirth. DH does his best to reassure me, and sometimes I even believe him. Then I find out that he is w*nking over leggy slim blondes and it all goes out of the window I know that it is all fantasy but part of me can't help thinking that he'd rather be with them than me, the thought makes me feel physically ill.

Looking at the properties on history I can see that I was barely out of the door before he was up here with his pants down

I don't want to deny him his right to do whatever he pleases with his own body in his own time, but how can I feel better about it ? How do I convince myself that his masturbation bears little or no relation to me ? Is that even true ?

Thanks
An embarrassed regular Mumsnetter

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I used to buy porn for an ex. He had an enitre video library but it NEVER bothered me, but then we had no children etc then and I was a sexy, busty, blonde 19 year old

I seem to have become a prude since childbirth, DH even said that to me recently . I think he was being jokey, but it really didn't help.

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Possibly stressy, I only changed my name to protect DH more than myself TBH. Would prefer to remain as anon as poss though.

lol thomcat - I had a friend (lawyer) whose job it was to read Desmond's porn magazines in advance of publication to ensure there was nothing defamatory in them. she found it a laugh to begin with but I think they turned her stomach after a while. esp the readers wives...

Have you tried getting him to read you erotica to get in the mood? That's sort of like talking dirty without him having to make anything up.

PW - I was having a conversation with my SIL over new year and she said that she and all her friends had found that their marriages went through a sticky patch when their first child was around 15/16 months (but obv this is not your first so may not apply to you). I am certainly finding this and strangely thinking back I do remember a lot of my friends feeling the same way at about this time. I wonder if there is anything in that?

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I'm think it would have the same effect on him as his imagination. I'm not after a bonkbuster or anything but a few dirty words of encouragement wouldn't go amiss.

DD is awake, so I have to go.

Thanks all. xx

It would seem fair to trade - you let him wank to dirty movies, he talks dirty to you

PW - I want to try and make you feel better so much.
Look - you are a young woman in her prime and I'm sure you have LOADS going for you.
Your DH looks at porn - well ok - not that terrible really is it??
You should ask him not to do it in your sons room and perhaps you can order him some mags from the internet, or just let him go and get some and then let him get on with it. It's okay to masturbate, he's not doing anything wrong or abnormal.
His looking at mags to enjoy his wank more really shouldn't reflect on your relationship and has nothing to do with how he feels / thinks about you, the 2 arn't connected, honest.
Like I said my fantasies are so far removed from reality it's not true!!! :0
I stand in fromt of you PW with my hand on my heart and swear to you that his wanking has no bearing on you as a woman.
He's doing what millions of other men do - it's normal, it's healthy and he loves you. You have a home together, lovely children and your sex life is getting bettr.
Please don't put too much more energy into worrying about it honey.
hope you don't thinkI'm being blunt - I don't mean too - I just want to make you believe that his wanking isn't anything to do with you, iykwim!
Lots of love - TC xx

I reckon the only way to deal with a problem with your sexlife is to discuss it in an utterly honest but LIGHTHEARTED manner. Serious stuff, in my experience, always tends to make everything, well, too serious - and then the awkwardness comes. Accusations and tears may be what you feel like doing (and what you want him to see so he knows how much he's hurt you?) but ultimately the only long-term solution is really talking and trying to understand each others' motivations and current feelings about sex and each other.

My dh and I are going through a wobbly time sex-wise and had a chat the other night about it. I'm so pleased we did. There was me thinking that I was the only one worrying about our sex life (or lack of) and it turns out he was just as concerned but too scared to raise the topic. He said he's rather lost his confidence with us sexually, isn't sure what to do to turn me on anymore (I've lost my sex drive since birth of son, now 5 months) and would like to 'start again' from the beginning. i.e. rediscover each other from here on, because we've both changed. That sounds great to me; maybe that's something you could think about?

I'd like to endorse ThomCat's post - agree with every word.
This subject has been raised several times on MN but it is noticable that this time there is far less condemnation of male masturbation than previously. Has discussion changed opinions? - good. Possibly all the threads about rabbits and other girls' toys have broadened minds.
Mardy and Twinkie - nothing "bad" happens if semen is stored within the body, nor is it reabsorbed. Eventually there will be a "nocturnal emission" - normally referred to as a wet dream. Even though it's a subject that may be completely unknown to many women, I'll not go into details unless invited.

Hi PW. Within the week after my daughters birth, we got a computer. Guess which were the first sites my husband checked out?! I found out when they came up on the history while he was out a sports presentation. When he arrived home, I met him at the door with prints off the pc, and told him where to go with his new friends while throwing them out the door at him! ( partially (post birth) hormonal induced reaction, partial temp insanity - or are they the same thing? ) Anyway, weeks of arguments insued. The way I saw it, I may not have fancied much sex while pregnant, but he helped make me pregnant, so could damn well go without too! Same goes for having just given birth, etc! Anyway, after much ranting and raving, we got to a place where we could each talk about it rationally. He now sees why I was so upset, it really was bad timing! This man had just seen what the female body is capable of, he was with me when I gave birth and I found it really disrespectful, him using womens bodies in this way. It was like the whole birthing experience had passed him by, and it was by no means 'soft' porn (is there any such thing!). TBH I very nearly demanded a divorce! (Hormones, hormones!) Anyway, he came to understand my feelings, and I his. Upshot of it all is that he no longer does, and if he needs relief I'm not into providing through intercourse, we (ahem) work at it together. It was misunderstanding each other, and a lack of respect for each other which were really the basis of the problem.
Excuse all the ranting! I hadn't meant to go into all of this. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if there is something going on in your life that you aren't comfortable with, of course you've got a right to try to seek some sort of compromise. I think things like this can be really harmful to a relationship if they're left to rot, and are maybe better sorted out if at all possible. I don't go with the 'men will be men' attitude. They may be born with certain social disadvantages, but everyone can learn , more to the point, if you love someone, if you're male or female, putting your hand down your pants is a small thing to give up for that person if it really means so much to them.
Regards

Sorry Levanna - but I have to disagree - why should anyone give up masterbating? It's a personal pleasure and there is NOTHING wrong with it. It doesn't harm anyone else. PW's husband isn't doing anything wrong at all. Well I personally feel he shouldn't be doing it in his childs room. but the actual act itself, God's sake it's only a wank! What's wrong with it?

I have a great, healthy sex life and me and my DP are still entitled to have fun on our own now and then if we want. Jesus - lighten up people. If you catch him hanging himself off the back of the door by his neck with an orange in his mouth than yeah - go mad - get him help - whatever - but a bit of porn and masterbation - I can't understand why anyone feels they have the right to tell someone else they shouldn't / can't do it.

PW's worries were that it reflected on her as a woman, not that he was actually wanking and it doesn't reflect on her as a woman at all.

lol Thomcat! Fantastic post.

I agree.... if DH asked me not to do it anymore I'd just make sure I was more secretive about it, I certainly wouldn't stop. As it happens he never really asks.

No matter what you look like or how god damn sexy you are, men will always masturbate. It's nothing to do with not fancying their partners anymore. It's just what turns men on, and pictures of naked women behvaing slutishly always works.

So Pwife, do not feel upset or unattractive as a woman. Even if you were Kylie I bet he's still be doing this. Get yourself some erotic fiction, curl up in bed alone and have your own fun!

Well said TC!!

PW maybe you should just join in?

I bet people who are asked to stop doing it say what needs to be said for a quiet life but do what they have every right to do, to themselves, in private, anyway!
I just couldn't imagine anyone telling me, or me telling anyone not to do it. What's it got to do with anyone else? I'd never ask DP not to pick his nose. I might not want him to do it in front of me and I might not like the thought of him picking his nose but I have no right to ask him never to pick his nose again!!

I'll just take this opportunity to reiterate part of my closing sentance in the first post of this thread, "I don't want to deny him his right to do whatever he pleases with his own body in his own time". I wouldn't ask him to stop fiddling with himself, as you say, it is not my place.

PW - I think there was a couple of other posters suggested that. Not you.

How's it going anyway? Did you speak to him about it last night?

PW - I reiterated for you already hon', I know that's not what YOU were saying.
See here:

PW's worries were that it reflected on her as a woman, not that he was actually wanking, and it doesn't reflect on her as a woman at all.

TC xx

PW, I don't have time to read the entire thread so apologies if this has been said but have you thought about watching a video together?

I know, but I just wanted to clarify the fact that I wouldn't ask him/tell him, anyway.

I plucked up the courage to ask him if he prefered 'mouthf*ck Girl' to me, sexually. His response was 'Of course not you silly bugger!', which I kind of expected anyway. He went on the defensive (though I wasn't confrontational) and so I backed off. I did say that I was uncomfortable with him doing it in DS's room though, he 'claimed' not to see the problem (erm, HELLO?!), but I suspect that he was just in the defensive again. We'll be moving the pc once our extension is completed.

We snuggled up in bed and watched Bridget Jones (was on Sky movies last night) and then had some good sex (almost pre-DD standard). Things are looking up . ]

Have also realised that I am due on in the next few days so a portion of my emotional paranoia can probably be attributed to the bloaty, tearful, hyper-sensitive beast I become when pre-menstrual