Ginny pigs prove the options are of limited quality - Dating thread 28

[lubeybooby]

New one - chit chat all dating stuff here.

Off you go! :o

Am never sure about the whole 'winking' type of thing. People wink and then you mail them and they never reply. It's like Favourites on POF. You discover someone has listed you as a favourite, so you send them a message, and they never reply. Leaves you a bit "WTF?"

I think all those sort of things are just gimmicky and really not much use. Are people REALLY too shy just to send a simple, brief message they can only wink? I tend to think if so, then OD probably isn't going to be for them, as you need a thicker skin to cope with it.

voice - yes I think people are too shy, in some cases. Generally I get winked at by women who are either scammers - obviously so, or I just don't fancy them. Too old, too far, too unattractive, too obviously mad.

I've received a few emails out of the blue from people I liked, and have had a couple of dates from that, but generally OD is very old fashioned. The men do the 'winking' and hope, usually in vain, that their wink is soooo much better than the other winks the woman in question is getting that she'll be intrigued enough to look at his profile and either wink back or message him first.

Generally, although not always, women wait to receive a decent mail from someone she likes. The different sites make people act differently, however, and the amount of dross on POF makes some women hide their profile and just approach men they like - otherwise they're drowning in the sparkling wit of 'hey, howz u? U look purdy'

Winks and smiles and favourites have their place. I don't bother winking, if I like someone I mail them. And sometimes they respond. I use 'favourites' on Match to store the profile of someone I've seen when I really didn't have the time to send an email, or I'm already mailing 2 or 3 women, some of which may lead to dates and really don't want to try and have 4 or 5 conversations going on simultaneously. Then when all of those 2 or 3 crash and burn, I can mail the favourites. I don't expect them to respond to that though, they probably have enough guys favoriting, winking and 'hey babe'-ing them.

How are you doing on the OD scene by the way, voice? Active?

Morning all.

Dreadful hangover. But have had a text already this morning which made me Cambridge man (not Bantam but the other one) is still smiling apparently.

Sorry... just had to share.

I looked on Match for the first time a week or so ago.
Although I'm wondering whether I should be less picky?

Hi ladies. Can I join you please? My first foray into the world of online dating and my goodness it's taking some getting used to! Meeting someone for a drink tomorrow - any tips / etiquette I should know about?!

Good morning all, wow this thread moves so fast.

Snape so sorry the date didn't work out and your poor DS, I hope he's ok soon. I hope the little gits who attacked him fall down a big hole.

I'm feeling quite disillusioned with the whole OD world at the moment and thinking I might need a break from it (there are only so many times I can be winked at by old, creepy men before my soul dies!) I'm trying to work out which I hate more; being alone or online dating.

Bantamthe site I use has a live 'bar' at the bottom of the page where you see the name age and pic of people as they come online ( it must be only people local to you)
It'll say bert came online, bert winked at you, bert looked at your profile, bert sent you a message.
If someone winks or looks at my profile I usually look at theirs, they tend then to send a message.
I've never winked or sent any first messages

Pixie I just treat it as a bit of light entertainment, log on and chat to people if I'm in the mood.
I dont really have any expectations

snape you won't always be cool-hot-friend I promise. One day very soon a man much less stupid than Voldie and Sirius will see exactly what we see, which is how absolutely wonderful you are, and how lucky they would be for you even to consider dating them. It will happen, I am certain of it.

whats the latest with work? Has useless manager reviewed her decision yet - if not is there a timescale for all of it? I can't imagine what a worry it must be having that hanging over you. Are the school being any help re DS? Is there anyone he can walk to and from school with or is it more a not wanting to go full stop?

You have my company on the sofa for as long as you want it :)

pixie it is the lesser of 2 evils I think...I veer between thinking which is which depending on my mood.

I think it's hard to to have any expectations of it if you're looking for a relationship. It sets you up to expect to meet someone decent and then makes you feel a failure when you don't (well that's the effect it has on me!)

Question - the general etiquette for a first date is - show up, be nice, don't expect thunderbolts and lightning (unless you're going to a Queen concert) - don't drink too much alcohol. And if there isn't a spark, be polite and honest in a text later on so they know where they stand.

Pixie - just ignore the winkers and focus on the emails, or hide your profile (you're on Match? Not sure how doable that is I haven't tried it) and just contact the ones you like. We're not all crap - in fact you've seen my profile and know I'm awesome :)

Nature - depends how picky you're being. There are a lot of crappy profiles out there, and unattractive, arrogant or rude people, some married or in LTR looking to cheat. It's like any nightclub, bar, pub or supermarket you go into in real life. The point is that some of them are good for you, many not. Look at a few profiles of people who are relatively close to you, only include the dealbreakers in your search options (does it matter if they like opera? Do they really have to have blue eyes and short hair?) You don't have to settle for someone you don't want, but be open with who you might like in the first place.

What's your experience so far?

question* yes, jump in.

Re first date, my only tips are: basic safety/practical - make sure someone knows where you are. Meet in a public place. If you feel uncomfortable at any point, just make your excuses and leave. Don't feel you have to stay for hours just to be polite :)

Not everyone online is as they seem - he may be shorter or fatter than claimed, have less hair, or be using 10 year old photos. The first date is really no more than an initial checking someone out, if you get on then great, if not, its an hour or so of your time and hopefully some half decent conversation. Good luck!

I went onto Match saw one man I liked the look of, yes only the one out of loads! We went for a quick Sunday afternoon drink which turned into hours and dinner. I think I really like him.

bantam - Interestingly, the only two women I ever had dates with via OD both messaged me. I never got a date with anyone I messaged, although admittedly not a huge number. I have given up now after 18 months of trying Match, POF, MSF and OKC.

I did wonder if perhaps I was hideously unattractive, had an appalling profile or was sending crap messages, so I got some female friends who had done OD and who are as blunt as can be and they said all was good. However, I can?t have kids, so I am honest about that from the get-go so that immediately puts me at the back of the list as most single mums round here still seem to want more!

Interestingly, I think a lot of it is down to the area we are in, which is semi-rural, as I know some lovely, interesting, attractive women who have barely had more than a handful of dates while doing OD on and off for 4 years. We don?t seem to find many single people in real life either. Obviously just a crap area for single people in their 30s.

I know huge swathes of people who have tried OD but only know two people for whom it has worked in the sense of getting an actual relationship out of it (ie, longer than a few dates).

Question not sure what others think about this, but I always try and chat to them on the phone first before arranging a first date, just to hear their voice and see if there is any connection. I have decided not to go ahead and meet a few people after having a chat to them, just because I could tell they weren't on my wavelength (I put a high value on humour and banter, and if it's not there to start with, I find it a bit off putting) but the ones I did meet after a phone call were all good and I have only had enjoyable first dates.

If you are worried you can ask for their phone number and then call them and block your own number until you have checked them out (if they have a problem with this, then it's fine for you to have a problem with them!). Most normal guys understand that you want to stay safe, especially if you explain you have only just started OD.

Hope this helps

Oh, dear I think I've upset mushroom man who you may remember was my first-ever OD meet and raised all my expectations, by spending the whole two hours telling me how lovely I am (which is obviously hard to deny)

Anyway he 'caught' me on POF on Saturday and called straight away, with a whipped puppy dog voice, to reiterate how much he liked me. I reassured him that yes I was still meeting him for the date we arranged for this coming thurs, he tried again to make it earlier, but not possible for me. Now he's not answering texts, but has rung twice over the weekend a couple of mins just to tell me in, that puppy voice that he's thinking of me!!

Bearing in mind I had already said I would meet him for a second date, time, place, everything and I only knew he existed 9 days ago, am I right in thinking this may not work out!

sponge I just see it as utterly futile?I think I need my mourning period as regards Voldemort and arguably jumped back in the saddle a bit too quick on the basis of distraction. The possibility of even more rejection is chipping away at my usual resilience and I honestly don?t have the strength just now to weather that particular storm.

work related bollocks is bollocks. they have NO idea what they are doing and have another ten dasy or so to come back to me - which I suspect they are using to try and find me a job back in Scotland. Obviously Scottish MNers are desperate to have me back over the border but the job opportunities are so limited that it would be difficult to sustain and would bring a different kind of stress. And it costs them a lot of money to have me there with regard to travel, training etc thatit just looks surly.

School attendance officer has just phoned. Joy. Think I need to pop off for a cleansing weep.

Voice I can relate to this:
'I think a lot of it is down to the area we are in'
I'm on the coast which feels a bit out in the sticks, I get alot of messages from men I like the look of who are in the London area.
I'm sometimes tempted but always end up saying sorry it's just too far for there to be the potential for anything regular

lulu ' I always try and chat to them on the phone' good idea, I like a video call but I think we all develop our own ways of finding out if the other person is on our wavelength

Secret - I think you're probably right. Of course all of us want someone we've had a good first date with to only be thinking of us, not checking the sites, but we have no right to expect it. I had a great date yesterday, I'm not going to set up any more dates for a while with anyone else, and I'm glad that Surreygirl hasn't been online since we first contacted each other, as her subscription lapsed - but if she was online I'd be a bit disappointed. Puppy dog calls, though, imply a demanding personality who's trying to guilt trip you.

If you have a strong feeling things won't work out after a first date and strange behaviour, it is very very unlikely that things will work out after all.

Also, why 'mushroom man'? I didn't get the reference

I told Surreygirl she was really quite lovely indeed. Once. She smiled and looked pleased. I wouldn't spend two hours doing it because that's just ridiculous.

mercury - I hear you. Some friends have tried to persuade me to cast the net wider and try something long distance but it just isn?t for me. I realise some people it?s fine for, but I find it impossible to build something unless you are able to see someone with some degree of regularity and if it?s long distance it tends to be weekends only ? where?s the exciting spontaneity of ringing someone up and saying ?do you fancy doing X tomorrow night?? Dating ? or even early days of an actual relationship ? should be fun rather than planned to the nth degree. And not to mention the cost of petrol these days!

I was looking at people within a 50-mile radius as it was and even that is too far really.

Voice - the unable to have kids thing is obviously an issue, as is location.

I don't know. I'm a very strong proponent of being honest on the profile, height, build, age etc. But that's something which may put people off straightaway even though they may not want children. Is this something you should not put on your profile but bring up on a date instead - running the risk of disappointing them but actually they would rather have you as a husband than a 4th child or whatever?

It's not like saying you're 5'11 and when the date turns up you're only 5'2 - that's just an obvious lie and creates mistrust. There isn't a tick box for 'Can you father a child?'

Bit of a moral dilemma there. Don't know what I'd do.

Yuck Secret, Mushroom sounds like he'll be terrible. Get rid, there are flags there flapping in a howling gale.

Just realised, bantam mushroom man, was moniker bestowed by RL friend! It was all I got out of him about his job, he's in charge of mushrooms, somewhere. I think he may have been about to tell me, but got distracted by the 'beauty of my eyes'

I'm being mean now, I know. He did seem nice and I was looking forward to seeing him a second time, in the hope he might have calmed down a bit.

I get what you mean about logging in again, but i just wanted to reply to a couple of ongoing chats, that started before we 'found' each other. Seemed a bit odd I should drop all that after just one date. Wouldn't that make me a disappearer?

I am the same, if the bloke I'm seeing is logging in often, it pains me
This is irrational
I log in alot, I often have more than one ongoing arrangement, and the bloke in question has told me a few times (appropos of nothing) that he only logs in for a bit of entertainment.
I have offered no explanation for my continued use of the site and there is no expectation of exclusivity

Morning everyone (just!)

Secret - I agree with Bantam re the guilt trip - he's already thinking you're 'his'. I'd be wary about him.

Snape - what did the school attendance person say? Can he be accompanied to school? I think its very understandable that he should be worried now - I had a very similar situation with my DS2 a year or so ago - his self-esteem was really badly hit. You don't need the work grief on top of that as well, do you?

Bantam - Surreygirl - sounds like this could be a luurrve thing... (just saying)

Dammit - must type faster and stop thinking so much ...