Ginny pigs prove the options are of limited quality - Dating thread 28

[lubeybooby]

New one - chit chat all dating stuff here.

Off you go! :o

Good morning all, yep Bantam I've been around and you've even had a look at my particulars OD profile.

I have absolutely nothing going on in terms of possibilities. Thinking maybe I should do a campaign of messaging them. Thinking about it this is how I met the only last two I met more than once.

Re frequent logging in - I tried to avoid logging in at all when GM and I got together, then each time I looked, he'd just been online. I phoned him and got upset (pathetic woman, bang goes the cool, calm facade) and he said he really wasn't bothered about being on there at all, just chatting to people he'd chatted to long term and we both disabled our accounts.

I don't think its reasonable to expect someone to stop logging in at all after one date tho'. I tended to send messages to people just saying I've met someone so won't be on here for a while, that type of thing.

Secret - maybe, depends how far along the chats were - if you'd talked about meeting up with someone but hadn't got as far as arranging a time/place yet then yes. If you'd just said 'yes I like Harry Potter too' then no. Chats just stop, no explanation given or needed, usually.

There is an expectation that meeting up with someone for a date will lead to a second, third, marriage, kids etc - it's rare. First dates are to see whether you want to spend more time with someone to get to know them better. That is all. Second dates are to see whether you actually like them or not, whether they pick their nose when they think you're not looking, whether they are hideously racist or actually believe they ARE harry potter. Third dates.. well I haven't got to a third date in the 3 months I've been doing it. Offers, yes :)

If they make you feel uncomfortable during the chatting, or during or between any of the dates, it's unlikely to work - as Teakozy says, there are red flags flying in the kingdom of the mushroom people.

Maybe it'll work with one of the other guys you're chatting to, maybe not. There are, as they say, plenty more fish in the sea.

Yoga just seen you have a date today. Good luck and remember it's cake before coffee

Secret I would be very vary of someone acting like that. The over doing it on the compliments and the puppy dog stuff. I would meet him as arranged and take a good look at what he is really like.

Voice imo no need to put anything about fathering children on your profile and if I saw this I would think it a little full on. If you meet someone and really like them, you can then bring it up.

bantam - Having had a partner leave you after 3 years when it?s discovered you can?t have kids means you don?t really want to go through that again. And if you?re a female in your 30s and you want kids, you don?t want to waste time with someone who can?t. So I am totally upfront.

The being online thing - I got 'dumped' after one date by someone who saw me online late at night 2 days later. To be fair, although he had suggested a second date it hadnt been arranged, and as at that point I was 3.5 years into OD and had never had a second date, I was simply keeping my options open. He was on reflection, far too OTT, a bit weird and was quite rough with me (and we were only kissing). I class it as a lucky escape.

Voice - I get your point, I just think there's such a thing as being too upfront too soon. People looking at online profiles are paralysed by the number of them - some good, mostly bad. And they will automatically start trying to pare down their options for who to communicate with/respond to:

Too short. Nose too big. Too tall. Is an accountant. Used the word 'lol' in his profile...

None of which are really deal breakers if you meet someone in real life and they're witty and charming and there is a spark.

Of course you may want to choose who not to contact if they say they want kids. I'm just saying that that is something you can bring up on the first or second dates if things go okay - but you're cutting down the number of dates you'll get - even with those who may not want kids, by the fact that you're discussing potentially having them or not having them in your profile.

Sponge, sounds like a definite lucky escape, but isn't the funny thing about being caught out discovered online, is that they have to be online themselves to find out ....... so what was he doing?!

I think when you get emails telling you that you have had a message or a wink or a view then it is human nature to want to have a quick look - or is that just me !!

I guess it depends how you look at it Bantam If you just want to go on a few dates, yes. But if you actually want to try and find a relationship, not so sure. I know someone else (female) who can?t have kids but was getting no dates from saying ?no? in the ?wants kids? box. So she changed it to ?undecided?. Got dates. One guy went ballistic when, after date 4, she brought the subject up, as he would never have dated her if he?d known she couldn?t have kids. Another guy she really liked got a bit further and then dumped her for the same reason. I used to have ?undecided? and got chatting to a woman. We?d exchange some messages and chatted on the phone and were about to arrange a meeting when she brought up the kids question (mid-30s, do I hear the biological clock). ?Why are you undecided? Does it mean you would if you met the right woman?? I couldn?t lie, so told the truth. I?ve never been sworn at so appallingly down the phone for having wasted her time.

I never had it in my profile, but I think you can see why I put ?no? in the wants kids box. It makes life simpler.

Voice that must have been a horrible situation but not all single parents want more children. I have met men who are in their 40s and don't have children precisely because they have been in relationships with women who had already done it and didn't want more.

If you are really concerned about getting it out there some sites have an option of want children/don't want children, the Guardian site has this (although I think it might be hopeless unless in a big city) and okc has questions that include 'are you looking for someone to have children with', which give a bit of a hint.

I suppose saying 'undecided' does appear to leave the door open. I was going to say that I thought that that discussion could be left for a while, but obviously for many women in their 30's its a big issue. Still not something to be abusive about tho'.

Sponge, sometimes the reaction is enough to sort out the possibles from the unlikelys ... GM said to me that he was very flattered that I was getting upset about something that was completely unimportant to him - I wish I was better at talking about this stuff tho.

Juliette - yes, I know. Unfortunately, the percentage of women doing OD who don't want kids is very, very small. I expected that, which is why I sent so few messages over the time I was OD.

What did surprise me was how many women already with kids still seem to want more with a potential new partner. Really surprising. I chatted to women who were undecided on the kids thing and found it fascinating that many wouldn't even consider dating me because it meant I was closing their door on future kids. They may not actually want more, but they want it to be their decision once in a stable relationship. They don't get the option with me, so they don't bother, no matter what else I could bring to the table.

voice, I'm on Match, and you can choose the option on there, I think it is nicely put as "children - no way, maybe, not sure". I'm a definite no way, 2 kids already and no desire for anymore and too old as well.

for me, I actively look for dates who stipulate "no way" to kids! Now seeing Mr EA (ex-Army) and we both have kids already and no desire to go there again. I think stating it upfront is the best thing.

Okay I can see why someone got angry - although I think it's a shit thing to happen. Saying you're undecided means you're being dishonest when you just can't have children, and people will get very upset about that.

Checking a box saying 'doesn't want children' rather than 'not sure' may reduce the number of dates. Stating that you can't have them in your profile, if thats what you're doing, is giving people a reason to discard you - not because you can't have them, necessarily, but because you state it so boldly and people will pass by your profile for someone else who may be in the same position.

It's a fine line to tread between being honest, being too honest, and not being honest enough.

Bantam, as I said earlier, I never put that phrase in a profile, just selected ?no? if there?s a box about wanting kids. I tried the ?undecided? thing for a while in the hope of at least getting a few dates to boost the self-esteem a little. And you can see the result wasn?t worth it and why I went back to being ?no kids?.

Which left me with only looking at women who don?t have and don?t want kids (barely more than the number of fingers on two hands despite Bristol, Oxford, Hereford, Worcester, Gloucester, Cheltenham, Coventry all within 50 miles). So then look for women who have them but so ?no? to any more. They outnumber the former category but not by huge numbers and you still have to find them either interesting or attractive.

Hence why I gave up after 18 months, opted for a life of singledom until/unless someone randomly falls into my path and I live my life through you guys on here!!

So... enough about me!!

Voice - my misunderstanding, sorry. Forget everything I said. Most people do :)

Voice just a thought but maybe some women think if you've put 'no' to want kids that also means you wouldn't want their existing kids around? Not sure how you'd get around that one. I'm not sure what your prospective age range is but would it be worth going for a woman mid 40s upwards? By that time most know if they really would want more kids or not.

ah crossed posts Voice, ignore me too.

voice I think it might be a case of age?
I don't want more children (nearly 40 ) but I might have done a few years ago.

Juliette - therein lies another difficulty with OD. You can only get around by saying something in the profile, which for some people is going too far and being TOO upfront. I think, if you aren't 'the majority' or, as I was once told 'normal', OD is probably not for you. My previous ex (the one who didn't leave me because I couldn't have kids) was eleven years older than me (I'm 38) and the age gap became a major issue. I know you can't lump people together, but it does put you off going there again. Although oddly enough, the two people I did see briefly via OD were 3 or 4 years older than me. But all my good, close friends are mid-30s and that just seems to be where I "am" if that makes sense. But then what does in the world of relationships?

Bantam - sorry, did you say something then?

Oh yes, just remembered another OD story. I had one message not long after I joined POF (with the wants kids box as 'no') from a woman whose profile I hadn't even glanced at. It said this:

"Piss off you fucking player. All women in their 30s want kids. You're obviously just here to fuck around and get laid."

Which was nice.

Voice what a lucky escape. I wonder where she is now, the poor man she's with wondering how it all came to this...

voice I would have responded.
Firstly, not all women in their 30s want kids. Some can't have them, some had them in their 20s and don't want more, some just don't want any
Secondly, POF has lots of people on it wanting to get laid. I'm not one of them.
Thirdly, I'd advise seeing a mental health professional about your anger issues.

Then block.

What an idiot woman.

Lots of people are in relationships and don't want children. Including women.

The children issue is complicated.
Not being able to have children is not the same as not wanting, as the couple could have IVF or adopt a child.

Not wanting children may not mean not wanting children from a previous relationship.

Maybe best to leave blank?

Lots of people don't discover they can't have children until they are in a relationship.
And it wouldn't be the first thing people ask when first meeting someone.

I might introduce the conversation after a few messages, and ask about their views on how essential more children would be.
I really don't know about other women, but I have always wanted to adopt a child, have had one DS and I'm not too bothered about other children. (also getting older and lazier)
I'm sure there will be other women out there.