Ginny pigs prove the options are of limited quality - Dating thread 28

[lubeybooby]

New one - chit chat all dating stuff here.

Off you go! :o

voice texting is great for dating, so long as you are getting the texts, when you want, from who you want, saying what you want!

but for those who remember, what would be the alternative? the landline phone in the hall, where you keep picking it up to check there is a dial tone and worry if you move too far away you won't hear it ring ....... ah and then I remember in the mid 90's getting a caller display unit, you could check who had phoned your landline when you were out, even if they didn't leave an ansaphone message .... hours spent checking it, trying to identify numbers and wonder why they hadn't left a message!

those were the days (quavery voice)!

Hello everyone - such a lot going on here at the moment. And hello to everyone new. Another man too - whoop!!!

Right, I could do with some advice/thoughts from you wise people. Have been doing some thinking over the weekend and have spoken to some friends about this - situation is, as some of you know, I was in a horrible abusive (in several ways) relationship for nearly eighteen years and have now been free of that for coming up to two years. I waited eighteen months before starting dating, which I am really glad about as I recovered a lot in terms of my self-confidence etc. But, I've been left with a bit of a legacy from my ex in that I am finding it really hard to let down my defences with my new man. He has been incredibly open and honest with me about a lot of things and I take this as a real compliment that he trusts me with stuff he's not told a lot of people, I really do. And I want to be the same with him but I have this hard shell that I am finding it very hard to get rid of. I know it's a good idea to be a bit wary but I really want to move beyond this and open up but I just can't. I muck around and make silly jokes and flippant comments and if I were he then I would be getting really fed up with me. It is far too one-way.

I am seeing him on Wednesday and I thought I might just explain a bit about how I am and why, not as a really long and heavy conversation, but just because I want to and I want him to understand what's going on and hopefully go with it for a bit, rather than thinking I don't care and don't want to move forward with things? Do you think this is a good idea? And if so, how should I broach this and what should I say? Don't want him to think I am an oddball either, btw . . .

Thanks so much for all the advice - really appreciated.
Quick question - the guy I was supposed to be meeting tomorrow sent me his mobile no but has now deleted his profile?!! This is ringing alarm bells for me for some reason - but am too new to this to know if they are justified. Any thoughts? Thanks

OWW - tell him what you just told us, a piece at a time and judging whether he wants to hear more. He probably wants you to open up but is giving you time and space to do it, but if you peel the layers carefully, not all in one big go, it'll be easier to judge when to stop revealing more info if you think he's not ready to cope with more yet. If he cares about you he'll get angry at your ex, so take it slowly.

Question - sounds a bit odd to me. You could send him a text to say 'just went to look at your picture again to make sure I recognise you and your profile is gone?'

simple enough to ask that. It could be he's married, it could be he's fallen madly in love with you and no one else can ever match up. Neither of those is good, really. Or there could be some innocent explanation, but I'm stumped if I can think of one

Western, just explain that you're not long out of an abusive relationship, and your way of dealing with things is to joke about them. It's how I deal with them too, so know how you feel.

Watch - just saw your stat on fb sorry things didn't work out with the house. Must be a better one out there waiting for you (ever the optimist)

On the issue of having more kids, I have been at logger heads with my much loved but stubborn gp for the last year or so, trying to be sterilised but she won't have it because I am under 30 despite having had four and dead set on not having any more!

Voice - keep the faith. I know of a few women that don't have and don't want kids, they are out there. I have had one ended relationship and one current one where the fact I have four young children wasn't/isn't an issue, I am sure it can and does happen the other way round too.

Western, agree with Nicholas, explain you make light of things because that's how you cope with things. I do exactly the same

Western just to say back up what others have. You don't have to go into great detail but tell him you find it hard to open up because of your past relationship but that you do care about him and it may just take time.

Texted the Engineer to say thanks for coffee, I really enjoyed meeting him. He replied to say he had a lovely time and would love to meet again and we will arrange something. So yay, it's all good.

Yay for Yoga!!

God, the thought of more children makes me want to claw out my ovaries with my bare hands....

Snape, I know the feeling. Went to see my mates gorgeous wee newborn the other day...the snuggles were great, as was returning her and knowing my days of broken nights are over! I did go through a phase where I thought I might have considered one more with the right guy but that was one of my insanity moments, all that step siblings etc isn't for me. Never mind the fact I can't financially support the ones I have at the moment (hence college and decent job at the end of it that I WILL get)

Snape

Nicely put Snape! And Fate - totally agree. I luurrve cuddles with newborns. As long as they belong to someone else.

I would rather sing karaoke naked in front of XH's OW than have to toilet train another child. Thankfully I can't have any more of my own and think the possibility of meeting a man of my own age who still has tiny babies is unlikely.

I actually don't like very many children. Clearly all of yours are... tolerable but I only really like my own...and that's pushing it sometimes. my ovaries are old and tired and wizened and I cannot wait until all this reproductive nonsense heads for the hills.

And none of them need think I'll be looking after eventual grandchildren either. When I retire I'm breeding pugs...after a convenient period of travelling abroad when my kids are reproducing.

Am I expecting too much? STBXH has just informed me that there has been an offer on the maritial home, where I am still living (he moved out about 3 months ago and refuses to tell me where he is living now).

To cut a long story short, I have told him that I won't be signing any sale papers until our finances are sorted out and I know what I can afford to move to a small rabbit hutch with 2 kids and a dog seems likely. We are supposed to be going to Mediation but he has backed out of actually attending for close on 3 months now by cancelling appointments and not making new ones when he says he will.

Anyway obviously a bit of shock that it is all coming to a head, so sent a text to Mr Ex Army, who I met through Match a couple of months ago, seen lots of each other, all very full-on and I really like him but sometimes wonder if emotionally he can be there for me in the way that I need, in terms of a ear to listen me and a sounding board. My text said "fuckety fuck, an offer on the house, bit low, but who knows? panic mode has set in :-(" and I got this reply

oh boy. new chapter. xxxx

and that was nearly 2 hours ago ... no follow up. Am I being unfair to think its not very supportive. I would say its fairly typical of him and I will probably chat to him on the phone tonight and tell him more, but it just seems a bit dismissive and a reply just for the sake of it?

I dont actually dislike children, I mean it's not their fault and I was one once, they are just inherently stressful (I find)

alot of hard work sanxiety and sacrifice for not much return really, not that I expect anything from them, I just hope they dont expect too much more from me, cuz I am done with self sacrifice and am devoting the rest of my life to my own selfish gratification! :o

lulu maybe he just cant think of anything supportive to say?
4 kisses feels supportive ?

Mercury I suppose so, its just he knows the full story, the abusive ex, the game playing and control that went on and I said to him the other day that 90% of the time I am optimistic about the future and trying to look and move forward, even though my world got torn apart, but I do have the 10% wobble time where the whole question of where will we go and where will we live? really frightens me.

This is one of those 10% moments and I just needed a "don't panic, it will be okay, do you want to chat? I'm here if you need me to listen" sort of text or at least an "are you okay?" follow up to the first one he sent.

He would probably say, he's not a mind reader and if I needed to chat to him then I should say so ...........

lulu not sure if you were after advice re ex or just Mr Ex Army but have to agree the Mr Ex Army's reply wouldn't be enough for me. Then again, if he knows you will talk later, maybe he does better talking than by text? Total sympathy re STBXH - it's a total headfuck, isn't it? x

Yoga just after advice about whether how I feel about his response to my text is reasonable or not?

with regard to STBXH, he is a complete and utter Twunt and the sooner I cut all ties with him the better.

I sent the text to Mr EA because I wanted some moral support a bit of, chin up love, don't worry, it will be okay and when I got that, I felt a bit deflated.

He will listen on the phone and may offer a few suggestions but I have a feeling he struggles to talk about emotions. Infact I know that, as I have tried to establish how he feels about me/us and he finds it really hard. Although the reality is that he has reorganised his childcare arrangements to fit with mine so we can see each regularly and is moving nearer to me in the New Year for the same reason. He even said to me at the weekend when I pressed him again, what about the actions? I am changing my whole life because I have met you. which he is, (new job in there too). So I suppose that is why I think am I being unfair expecting more, maybe actions and not words are just his way of communicating?

lulu sorry to hear your upset!!! But looking at the text you sent it doesn't scream I'm upset comfort me now!! (i never send those and would also write something along the lines of what you wrote which actually means I'm gutted) so maybe he didn't get how you felt?

And a lot I the time men are better in person at being comforting then on the phone or by text!!

lulu is he just not great with texting? BC is brilliant to talk to face to face but if I sent a text like that he would get all stumped and feel awkward and not really know what to say. As Movingforward said really, up there ^

hello ;)

snape, yeah. i know how that is. Has happened maybe once. i was 19. that was a long time ago..... i think leaving it all for a while might be a good idea, you have other things on. PLus you have purple shorts, franky they are better than any man.
hope the school help with DS

just quickly, was feeling awful thiis morning, lost out on the house as expected due to some dodgy dealigns by arse of agency.
Viewed somewhere perfect just after work. begged for cheaper rent, have been accepted and have paid the credit check fee. I have SHITE credit rating, but do havea guarantor, so am hoping its all going to come through ok... does anyone know?

Its in the best school catchment area. and is just beautiful. All new everything. kitchen, bathroom, underfloor heating. summer house, carpets, new skimmed and fresh painted walls etc... etc...
just lovely.
if i get it , i will cry.
if i dont get it i will be distraught and will have wasted money on the credit checks.....

i dont have time to date right now, what with work, which is still going great, and now moving, in possibly 2 weeks, then i just dont have the time...

Moving, I know my text doesn't say that, but that is how I word things, I don't like asking for support directly, I don't want to appear needy, he knows that too!

I suppose what lies beneath all of this is, I really like him, he makes me laugh a lot, I enjoy his company a lot, we have great, amazing sex, I get a little thrill everytime I see him and he is a reliable dependable nice guy BUT he struggles to do the emotional support and touchy feely stuff and I need that, maybe now more than ever given the shitty time STBXH has inflicted on me.

So, do you list the pro's and con's and say actually just accept him as he is because he has so much going for him or is the emotional stuff just a red flag for the future?

Apologies to all for taking so long to get to the real crux of it, I think I only discovered it, typing away here!

watch did you say that you have guarantor to the agent/LL? you might need to pay again to get your guarantor credit checked, that happened to me before i was lucky enough to get the place I'm in now, and whats worse is my guarantor failed the bastard check too despite insisting he would be fine with it. But anyway they really should have cut out the check on you and gone straight for checking the guarantor really.

Place I have now which was private rent direct with landlord, from the tinest ever ad in a local paper - showed me around himself and was happy with my deposit, employment ref, and the fact that I 'looked ok' - god i could have kissed him. No credit checks or guarantor.

Anyway - gone off on a tangent again. Good luck and I hope all goes smoothly, it could well be fine, i don't have masses of experience with it all

no, thats helpful. i did say i have bad credit, blamed forces and lots of moving, which is part of it, but not all of it.... ( mostly due to shite situation ex husband left me in)

she knows about guarantor.thats all fine...

i just hope it goes through.
guarantor is mum, she was guarantor for this place, and is fine :)