So miserable

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

Not really sure if relationships is the right topic for this.

I'm a SAHM with 4 DCs, two older ones and two little ones aged 2.5 and almost 5. DH works long hours running his own business.

Every day feels like groundhog day. I spend my whole life, it seems, cooking, cleaning, washing... The list goes on. I don't see anyone all day apart from on the school run and then I don't really talk to anyone. I only have two friends and they both work full time. DH comes home from work usually very stressed or knackered so doesn't really want to talk/listen or if he does I know he's thinking I'm complaining about nothing really.

The children just seem so full-on. Youngest dc is a real monkey, and the arguments between him and his sister are constant. Luckily she is at school full time but I dread the time after school when I'm trying to get tea cooked etc as I end up referreeing between the two of them. He really is going through the terrible twos and I'm struggling. He is an angel at weekends when DH is here though.

No-one cleans up after themselves, it's all left to me. I've tried taking things away from the eldest two if they don't clean their rooms but they don't care. Eldest DS works full time and pays board so I don't expect him to do much around the house, just like I don't expect DH to. A little consideration for me would be nice though.

That's the thing I'm struggling with I think - no one gives a shit about me. No one cares if I'm unhappy or lonely, no one asks how my day was. They all walk in to a meal on the table every evening and it's the end of the world if I'm ill or something because how will they survive - no one else cooks. Even Sundays are planned around what I'm cooking, I fucking hate cooking, DH knows this yet refuses to learn or help just at weekends so I can have a day off.

DH doesn't get involved in anything to do with the home or the kids. One example is I'm planning a party for DD1s birthday, he is refusing to come/help with ideas etc as he just doesn't want to. He feels he can opt out of things because I'll pick up the slack. Having said that, he is a very good father in terms of doing bedtimes, playing with the kids, will look after them if I have to go somewhere etc but he just won't help out with things like Christmas - this is a big issue for me. He never takes any interest in what I choose for the kids presents but always throws it back at me afterwards that I've spent too much/bought them a load of crap etc.

I can't work because I have no back up. All time off to cover kids being ill or holidays would be down to me. DD2 was ill with a heavy cold and temperature last Mon, Tues, Weds and Thurs. She went back to school Fri by which point DS2 had it. He was better by Tues but DD2 then developed an ear infection so has been off school since then. How the hell would I hold down a job with that much time off? Yet being at home every day is driving me mental. I know though, at least while the youngest two are small, that I'll never have the freedom to work without the responsibility and worry of childcare etc, unlike DH who can work whatever hours he likes because he knows I'm here to deal with all the shit pick up the pieces.

I know this is a self indulgent rant and I don't really expect any replies offering advice but there must be some of you in a similar boat who can rant with me? :)

Grape, the reason your children don't seem to notice that you're unhappy is because you're working overtime to hide it from them and from everybody else.

And it seems like the strain of it is bringing you down.

What makes you keep up the pretense?

Imagine !

You could get a proper sex life with a man who really respects you and fancies the arse off you too !

The older ones know I find it hard to cope at times with the youngest two - they'd have to be blind not to notice the tantrums and squabbling! But they don't see me and DH arguing so it's not really a case that I'm hiding anything about our relationship - we don't argue because it's easier to just keep quiet about things that piss me off.

Hope your DS is okay now. Was it a febrile convulsion he was having? Very scary, I had to go to A&E in the middle of the night with DS2 years ago when he was a baby, with a sleepy DS1 in tow as husband was working a late shift. As you say though, emergencies like this are rare, and you would cope. You cope with pretty much everything else on your own!

Haha AF, that's very true! Although I seriously doubt I'd have the confidence to be anywhere near another man.

Grape I'd like to give you a hug, it's very unmumsnetty but you need one.

I was thinking of starting my own thread to get my head around things at the moment, but I'll share here a bit.

You are where I was last year, living a seemingly perfect life with all the trappings. Someone on your other thread described it as gilded cage, and that is exactly what it is. You feel trapped and miserable, like nothing you do will be right. He has made you feel like this. you are clearly, from your posts, an intelligent thoughtful woman, and a mum who cares so much about the menta health of your children.

I had enough, I'm not sure exactly what got me to that point, but I could see my DDs thinking that our marriage with the name calling, silences and rows was a normal way to live, and I began to think how I would feel about them being in this type of relationship, it broke my heart, but gave me the courage to change things.

I left him - except I had to continue to share a house with him for 3 months - the most miserable of my life I think.

Now I am free(ish) of him, in my own home, and the most wonderful feeling of relaxation, when the DDs are in bed and I can just relax in my home is the most wonderful thing.

He IS a Disney dad - has more contact with them than he ever did when we were together, but they seem to have fun when they stay with him. Even if some of the things they tell me about his lifestyle make me want to run away to Scotland with them.

I still do everything - all homework, dr appointments, organisation - but no one criticises me about it, and it all works so much more smoothly. I was thinking the other day, in the last year I have not lost my keys, misplaced an important letter, missed an appointment - because my head is no longer being fucked with every single day. This was a revelation. It might sound tiny, but I always thought I was rubbish at everything - I am not.

I have a lot less money - but that's fine. I don't have to account for every penny to anyone other than me, and I'm not being called a parasite for spending 'his' money. I've also learned I am NOT rubbish with money, I have v little but no overdraft or credit cards, this astounds him as I was 'always so crap with budgeting'...

The children are affected. There is no doubt about that. My DD2 is struggling with stuff, changing schools, STBex new girlfriends (yes, plural, already) but I am doing all I can to give them a safe, stable environment when they are with me - which is most of the time, and later they will see why I split up our family. I hope. Everyone tells me they will anyway. This is the bit I am struggling with. So if anyone wants to throw in some advice here that would be great.

You need to get out Grape, for your sanity and for your children's future relationships. It WILL get better, even though it's bloody tough getting there. Get a great solicitor you can tell everything to and that is on your side. It will be such a revelation to you to have someone fighting your corner.

You are in my thoughts.

DS is fine now thank you, I don't think it was a convulsion as I did google it afterwards and it didn't really seem to fit the description of one. I think he was just shivering so uncontrollably, not helped by him refusing to take any calpol to help bring his temp down the little monkey!

sorry that was quite long

X posted with you there Lilac, just off out on school run but will reply properly when I'm back, thanks for hugs :)

I'm not surprised - think in that situation is go for the path of least resistance too.

If you split you will have to pull together as a family and get through it. Moving house/schools/having less money are situations which are often beyond our control for other reasons - redundancy etc. we do and have to survive. If you are the poster who loved out in the sticks maybe moving closer in to a town would be helpful anyway. Of course asking the kids to change schools would be harsh but it would be the once. Plus eldest has finished and the 5 year old has just started - really it's just the 13 year old who might suffer but since its just her maybe you could muddle through with keeping her where she is. These are practical issues which can be overcome. Living somewhere with lower running costs would add to your independence in the long run.

I found the financial aspect terrifying up begin with but I manage - 100% control of money is priceless plus I don't have an oaf spending any of it either! He wasn't too bad but all my bills are much lower it just took a few months for the difference to show. I also found the credit crunch threads in here extremely, extremely helpful and this added to the feeling of empowerment with money too.
Might be worth you researching what you are entitled to benefits wise - you don't have to declare maintenance that's in top - you will get tax credits etc and housing benefit etc if you rent somewhere. Might be more than you think.

Lilac - yes me too all of it! I once described it as my ivory tower

Anyfucker - re the sex life - it's on it's way!!!!!

Glad to hear it, amarylis

I feel for you and empathise. Leaving is such a big decision and somehow one just turns round one day to realise all this has just crept up on one from nowhere - suddenly you are stuck in a life you didn't wish for but feel unable to complain because you have a husband who provides well and the luxury of not having to work and 4 beautiful DC. Sigh, I would advise you to change things sooner rather than later, but am not sure of the first steps. It only gets harder to get out until one day it is impossible.....if you wait for the DC to grow up you will find that there is still never a good time - the year they sit their GCSE's, the year they sit their A levels, the day they head off to Uni? And then suddenly your life has gone past and you wonder about what else you might have made of it if only you had found some courage and self knowledge when you were younger.

Have you read the thread "Got it Right in the End" in Relationships?

Eternal, that's a scary thought. To think that once the kids leave home I could end up regretting not having left earlier scares the shit of me as I'll be early 50s by then. My own mum didn't even live long enough to see that age so I'm well aware that life is way too short to be so unhappy.

I need to talk to DH this weekend. He'll either get angry and say I blame him for everything (he always says this) which absolves him of any wrongdoing or he'll promise me the earth (he has also done this before) which I know will never materialise. He may even get upset but this will always be due to the thought of him not being able to live with his children - it won't be because he is losing me.

Or maybe, just maybe, he'll say he's had enough too and for once we'll be singing from the same hymn sheet

X posted there AF, will go have a look now x

Yes, it is scary. I do hope that your DH will realise that you are serious and that this is not a game and that he needs to change and that you both need to be leading fulfilling lives. I wish you so much luck.

Thank you Eternal.

Have just read that thread AF, the OP is definitely better off out of her marriage. I can't compare it to mine though as the way my DH treats me doesn't even register on the chart in comparison to the abuse she suffered.

Yes, that is true.

But you are miserable. Do you want to leave it so long like she did ? She has so many regrets. (sorry to Op of that thread if you are lurking, I didn't think you would mind)

This thread is just resonating hugely with me. Grape, you are putting it (the issues) so well.

Especially AF's observation about how workaholism allows selfish people to opt out of just about anything they don't want to do.

Life shouldn't be this joyless, this demeaning should it.

It's kind of faux workaholism isn't it

Hi

I talk about gilded cages so it might of been me that said that. I used to live in one. With a husband who constantly had a hand to his brow about his busy very important work life.

There were other bits and pieces too but OP nothing like the scale you describe.

I have a friend in a similar situation ie childhood sweethearts stuck in a horribly unhappy marriage. If only those of us that are free could convey to others that actually you arent stuck at all. Yes its painful, all sorts of stuff to go through which is temporarily worse than the daily traumas now but then...

For me 3 years later unalloyed bliss. Yes I dont live in my fuck off house with all the trimmings and I am working FT in a low paid job and overall my lifestyle has changed but is still OK because in spite of his charmless assertion your DH will have to hand over half of everything.

I love being single with my DC and doing everything my way . Cooking, home decor, burgers for Christmas lunch you name it complete control based on whats chilled and happy man

In the end could leaving be worse than staying ? Theres an Anais Nin quote along those lines, friday night wine has made me forget !

Well, we aren't really speaking to each other tonight. I just can't be arsed tbh. Neither can he, obviously.

This whole situation is on my mind constantly and I feel physically sick. I tried speaking to my friend about it earlier and she said 'oh you two always go through phases like this, you'll sort it out and everything will be fine again soon'. And she's right. We do. Until the next time when I realise that there has to be more to life than this.

The point someone made earlier (sorry on phone so can't scroll back to see who it was) about the kids leaving home and I realise what I have left has really struck a chord. The reason we have such a huge age gap between the children is precisely for that reason. We knew we weren't going to make it and did the stupid thing of having a baby together, not to keep us together as such but to give us something new to focus on. We'd been so young when the eldest two were born and they'd grown up so fast and we felt that we missed doing the things you do together with a young child - day trips etc. we were much more financially secure the second time round and believed it would be a good thing for all of us. I love my youngest two children deeply but I regret having them as we would've drifted apart and it would've been for the best.

All we've done is delay the inevitable and in the meantime I gave up a good job, have aged at least 10yrs in the past 5yrs and 2 pregnancies have taken their toll on my body. All to end up back where we started.

I'm scared to leave him. He is all I have and he is all I know. When I'm happy, we're ok. It's only when I get down about my life that we have issues between us. We do have good times but I know he'll never make me truly happy and that he isn't the right man for me.

I should lay off the vodka me thinks

Hi grape have just caught up with your thread. I deeply sympathise. I completely agree with other posters that the absolute right thing to do is to leave - ultimately. But that may be a while coming as there are stages to go through to get there; it's simply not that easy to get up and walk out, as I also know. It's not easy emerging from years of oppression and abuse. But now you've started the ball rolling just posting from this thread. You've made the first step; take heart

Next steps will be slow no doubt because that's how it works, it's easy for us on the outside to say get out, but you are hemmed in by real and perceived walls. All you can do is take one baby step at a time. Next step - part time job, even if it's not that worthwhile financially, you'll feel empowered. Another next step, buying ready meals some nights (I don't rate them specially but I do rate my sanity ) Next step (and you can do this one right away); have some secret free half hour appts with family solicitors - ideally specialising in abusive relationships. Just to get thinking. You don't have to commit. If you can squeeze some money to one side, go to some Relate sessions by yourself and ask for advice and counselling in leaving an emtionally and financially abusive relationship. Start looking at Women's Aid and other sites. This will not be walking out of the door, it will be dismantling the mental blocks he (and you - and thousands others inc me in my own circs) have built around your mind and spirit.

Can I invite you to the thread started by our sage, Foolonthehill, that has saved my sanity and paved my slow route to escape, plus many others'? I'm not out yet but I'm nearly there

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1606947-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships-13

I reckon this relationship will limp on until he has an affair with someone he wants to leave for. It seems fairly inconceivable to me that having been unfaithful once to your knowledge, he hadn't done it before and hasn't done it since.

So as you won't leave him, your next best bet is to make sure that when he leaves you you're not left high and dry. Sort out your finances and start to get some independence so you won't dissolve in a heap when the inevitable happens.