'Leave the bastard!'

[Abitwobblynow]

Is the MN common refrain. In fact, it is presented as THE ONLY option, and MN gets very shirty (and some people can resort to nasty labelling) if the OP declines from doing that - straight away.

But is it the only option? Is it always the right thing to do, straight away? Here is Lundy Bancroft:

'There can sometimes be advantages to giving your partner your time so he can change.

You might use the time to construct a plan of exiting as safely as possible, with as many sound emotional and financial resources a s possible - this is especially important if your partner is violent or threatening, or has indicated that he will get financial revenge if you leave him.

With a dangerous partner, you might use the time to hope that he loses interest in you, so that he is the one to leave you, which can be safer.

Giving him your time might give you the sapce to become very clear about what is happening; going through repeated patterns can give you the opportunity to identify them, prepare yourself emotionally for them, and see the range of his ability.

Giving him your time can allow you to manage major life transitions, such as caring for infants or very small children, or dealing with a relative's sickness and death, with fewer disruptions than leaving might ential.

Giving him your time can allow you to articulate for yourself what exactly your 'deal breakers' are so you are more prepared to insist upon change, and to reinstate for yourself your standards and your clarity.

.., when safety is not an issue, can allow you to detach yourself from the intense care and responsibility for him, and reestablish yourself as a priority, even while in the relationship.
Giving him your time can assuage the voices in you that say 'what if', or 'I have to'... These voices can't be heard and these expectation met until you can meet them squarely and feel confident in your conclusions.

Giving him your time, if things are noticeably improving, can connect you to the love, hope and expansive feelings you felt when you first met.
... if things are noticeably imporiving, can afford you some of the acknowledgement and healing that you desire and deserve.

Giving him your time can help you feel certain of yourself as a person who has treid everything, who is committed to relationships, who believes in giving people a chance.
Giving him your time can give your children a chance to be in an intact family. (Of course, the costs can quickly turn too high for you, and for your children also, so be alert to when the costs start to outweigh the benefits).
Giving your time can spare you the pressures of having to go through finding a new partner and building a new life.

THE DECISION OF WHEN TO STOP WAITING FOR YOUR PARTNER IS A DIFFERENT DECISION FROM THE ONE ABOUT WHEN TO LEAVE HIM.

It is possible to leave your partner but remain attached to waiting for him. ... And just as you can leave but keep waiting, you can do the opposite: stay and move forward...

So I think here at MN we should honour the inherent wisdom of women who come here with destructive partners. Bottom line, I do believe they weigh up their options and they are doing what is best for them (whilst they gather strength, money, education, jobs - whatever the resources needed to move on).

Well done Wobbly!

Was just wondering about you the other day, you won't know me but have occasionally posted on your threads.
I hope you're okay

Is that you, ABW ?

I am glad to see this outcome. It's been a long time coming, but you got there in the end.

I agree with the OP. I realised that my relationship was abusive (emotionally, never physically) for sure about 12 months ago. I did not feel able to walk out at the stage, in part because my H was the primary carer for our DD so a major concern of mine was that he could fight to be resident parent.

Giving it time has allowed me to:

• get my finances in place
• get a place ready to move to straight away
• understand what tactics he is likely to use after I leave/as I leave
• detach detach detach so he cannot hurt me as much as was once possible
• allowed me to be 100% certain in my decision
• be able to tell my DD honestly when she is old enough to understand that I know that it was the best decision for both of us.

Luckily for me, the few people that I have confided in RL have been patient and caring and allowed me to slowly make my own plans and decisions (something that my abusive husband has never allowed)

Obviously the above does not really apply to those in physical danger

Breeze, it has been such a process.

Thank you all, I feel terrible.

What is that quote about the greatest denial being hope deferred? A couple of things happened in the past few weeks:

He has been talking about separating for 2 years now, but won't go. I realised that it wasn't that his love was hidden under layers of defenses and that I must be patient, it was that he really, really didn't love me.

What has been hard are the intermittent 'nice' - like acknowledging in text that he has been a terrible husband and regretting his behaviour. Then refusing an invitation for marital counselling because 'there is nothing left to work on'.

He coolly confirmed that he did not love me any more. Then I found an email to OW (2007-2009) that he had forgotten to delete. He confirmed that he got back in touch w her 'for coffee' and that he had told his therapist who talked about how she must have 'forgiven him' [for his brutal breaking up w her]. WTF...

So, really, after that? To stay is to actively participate in my own abuse.

Then the children staged an intervention, to tell us both that they were desperately unhappy with the atmosphere at home, and that they dreaded coming home. They showed so much courage and leadership my lovely children. They were clear and kept their sense of self. He was just furious that he had 'not been given notice'.

So that is that really. If I boil it down, the deal I am offered is the deal I spelt out to fuckitybollocks: I don't love you. Do not have needs. Make your needs smaller. I will not give you love, affection, companionship, conversation or desire. Do not annoy me with any distress about your needs not being met. I have the right to keep my girlfriend. I have the right to do whatever I want. I am not accountable to you. However, you keep meeting my needs. You keep my family going, you keep doing the stuff I can't be bothered to do, and you clean up the messess I make. Now STFU, get back in the kitchen and look after my kids.
That is what the deal boils down to

But I am dreading the solicitors on Monday, I don't know how I am going to get him out of my house, and I am dreading divorce

Thanks everyone for being here

I had to leave FB's thread for the same reasons I left yours

Try to get through to her, won't you ?

Wow! Well done. Good luck. Thanks for coming back on to give the update. You've got some tricky times ahead...but you'll get through and it's onwards and upwards.

AF it is a process. It is NOT NORMAL to switch feelings off. Normal people do not decide they don't love people because they are having a hissy fit. Normal people continue to love and be connected whilst they struggle to solve the problem.

To stop loving is as inexplicable as someone announcing they no longer love a child. It is something the character disordered do.

It is very hard to accept you having chosen for your life love companion, someone who is not normal. To truly understand that that person is not capable of true love, is not going to change, and let go - well, it is hard.

LF how did it pan out for you?

Well done x

Wobbly, wobbly, wobbly...
:)

Really happy for you.

It may well be a hard process now in the transition, but I am very confident that you will be happy.

only waiting for my rl friend to see the same light as you

Wellwobbly, odd calling you that!
So agree that it is a process. I dont have personal experience, but for posters to just say ltb, and to expect a poster to go, whatever experience they have had, is ridiculous.
In faxt, it seems to me, sometimes the worse experience, the harder it is, because there is even more hurt, perhaps loss of pride, more shock, and the person may have beem more manipulated, etc.

Good for you. Don't go back, however much he wheedles and flatters.

There are some on here who do approach every situation with "leave the bastard - now, what's the problem?" but it's quite easy to work out who they are and discount. It's when a lot of others feel its time to think about leaving that is worth thinking about.

Good luck Wobbly, I followed your threads too and you have posted on mine before.

Well done on finding the strength to leave - you know you're doing the best by your DC.

wow! Wobbly! That's brilliant, well done and well done your children!

:)

It is a process and not a process anyone can force that's why I never told MN about my xh, I knew what I needed to do, read many threads, although back then, it wasn't LTB quite so quickly as it is spotted now.

Wobbly you will question yourself a lot for the next few weeks/months but just keep going, it's been almost 3 years for me now, and I look back and am a bit annoyed with myself for not LTB sooner and can look at him for what he really is now.

DC are happier, I'm happier, even the dog is happier. Keep looking forward and don't listen to any further crap he may start. (pleading with you etc)

We are still with you, ABW.

Please take great care to protect yourself during this phase.

He is not your friend, as you know. In your case, I think he could masquerade as willing to be reasonable and still not be.

To stay is to actively participate in my own abuse

Brilliant quote.

The fact that your children pushed you into making the final decision to leave shows just how aware they must have been that things weren't right.

Best wishes from here too - it will be a struggle but probably not as bad as the past few years have been and don't forget there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you, One. Like FB I suppose I am still shaking my head as to 'what happened?' There was no surface conflict. I was blindsided, just thought I was married to a complicated person.

It is almost as though (re your masquerade) he decided he didn't want to play a role (loving husband) any more, looked for a job abroad, dropped the mask (he sent me a text saying 'I am tired of looking after other people, I want to do things for me now') and it has been the hugest struggle to accept that this is who he is, he sees me as a source of 'mother' security but not as a loved woman - and I have been enabling it.

The abuse has all been silent which makes it harder to spot: withholding information, rejecting attempts to connect, the silent treatment, lack of affection. Although he has being doing this consistently mind...

But it hasn't been all doom and gloom my side. Gone back to university, job interview on Thursday, stopped protecting him and started telling people. It is wonderful to be back in UK and feeling the support from RL friends whom I had hidden from.

I remember a few of your threads.

So what's the deal now?

You've told him it's over but he's still in the house with you?

You've told the children you're divorcing?

It is like you said. He was doing "things for me" for a ling time, but not admitting it before.

I think you may find it a lot easier than you think. I think you have done all the real grieving already.

Oh wobbly, well done! You're an intelligent woman, and it was painful watching you tie yourself in intellectual knots in some of your posts. You were trying to persuade us all that you were doing the right thing when your misery came through so clearly. I actually used to wonder if you were drinking while posting, because you were clearly articulate and yet there was this huge disconnect going on. You really were a poster girl for cognitive dissonance for a while there. None of that is meant as criticism - I've been there myself and I feel huge compassion for you.

Like onefewer, I think you have most of your grieving done. And congratulations - you've raised some great dcs!

Wobbly, I am so proud of your strength. I've read many, many posts fromyou that you were clearly in denial and painfully unhappy.

So glad you left the bastard/prick/twat/cunt!

You're extraordinarily intelligent, it's evident just from your posts no matter how miserable you were.

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.