Update.
I thought I ought to tell you thta I woke up at 3am and got up and had a little cry about this all. It is only on MN that I can write this. I can not talk to anyone about it in rl, becasue I talked about it in the summer and people don't wnat to hear, do they? Will you MN'ers pander me on this, please?
After I last posted. Things were just about o.k. They were a bit icy, but she got a new job, not having worked for the last 5 yeras, as a hairdresser, in a salon, so she only did pick up twice a week, as I did too,as I work p/t. She chatted to others. I did too. Once or twice we spoke, but it was very uncomfortable.
Then in Oct, she gave me a birthday card for ds2. Then she rang out of the blue, asking if i wanted her ds2 clothes. she dropped them round in a bag, and I thanked her greatly.
Then becuase of her new job, she was working shifts. Her mum came to do pick ups. I have always got on very well with her mum. But I couldn't understand. her mum walked straight up to me, each time and talked and talked. And then me and her mum met again, on the way to the christmas assembly. She was so nice, as she always had been. And this only compounded the fact that I was confused. Mum talking to me. Friend barely civil. Had my friend not told her mum what had gone on? Then friend gave christmas card. I returned a card.
But during this time, immagining that things were just about o.k. I asked if her ds wanted to come round to play. She gave excuses 3 times. Then I realised i must not ask gain. Maybe he didn't wnat to come. Maybe they didn't want him to come.
I knew not what to do. My ds kept asking wehn he was coming.
I kept thinking about your advice to apologise. I had not needed to before, because things had appeared to be semi-reasonbale. But after we got back after christmas , it seemed particularly icy. I tried atleast 3 times, but it was impossible, she was talking to other people.
Last saturday was my 40th birthday. Dh is taking me to Barcelona, without kids, for 3 days in April. And as a small party, I decided to go out with the girls, for a meal. It was nice. 12 of us. I invited her. by text. but she refused. when I got there. lots of people asked about her, where she was. This made me very sad. Because really she should have been there. Maybe this is why I feel so sensitive about this whole issue, right now.
This saturday is my ds's birthday. I text to invite her son,and 2 others. She agreed.
But I phoned her anyway. Just to tell her that i was very sad. I said i was very sorry. (Not for anything I did, you understand, just sorry that it had tunred out this wasy)
And she told me that she didn't want him to come round because she thought i would grill him about what had happened. 
What? I never would. she said her dh thought that I wouldn't do that. She said that was why she had been making excuses.
She said they were shcoked when he got invited to ds's party. why? the boys made it up withing a day of being back at school.
She said it was silly to still hold a grudge (I was thinking, I don't hold a grudge, its me pathetically begging you to change things here, when I actually have done little wrong, and that I can't figure out what I actually did wrong, when infatc she did loads, so I can't see that she has any reason to actually hold a grudge).
she says we were both just sticking up for our boys. Well no, actually, you said some terrible things in the summer. I said nothing bad, and then you shouted and swore. I have said or done practically nothing nasty or that i regret.
But anyway. I hoped that the atmosphere would get a little less icy. It hasn't its got worse. she tunred her back on me whilst asking about arrangements , yesterday, for ds's birthday this saturday, and its just getting icier, despite my apology last week.
I never really told you all what happened on cub camp.
She phoned to say that her ds1 didn't want to be friends with my ds1 anymore. my ds (who is weak as a robbin) had bullied her ds all week, on cub camp, he had ruined it for all the boys. She said that he was a brat, a bully, and that all the boys wished he had never gone because he ruined it for them all.She went on and on and on about all the terrible things he had done and how all his classmates felt the same way. I was sobbing and apologising.
I, in shock, questioned ( shouted at ds1 like i have never shouted at him before, and even shoock him by the shoulders, to my shame) , and once gettign more of the story, phoned her back.
Her son, (who was incidentally, was infact fat and got teased, by a few boys, not mine, in reception, which I and all the other parents, told her was totally unacceptable) fell out with ds1, on the second day, when on the first night, my ds had jumped on them all, in his sleeping bag, and ended up hurting her ds. He was told by the scout leader to get back in his bed and told off. Hardly crime of the century. But her ds did infact end up with a big bruise.
The next day , her ds teased my ds and eventually said :
'well your dad's fat'. Then he said it more than 6 times.
Ds asked him to apologise, but he refused. Ds said, you musn't say that about my dad, he is lovely. and if you don't apologise I won't be able to have you round my house, for my birthday party, next year, because i can't take the risk that you won't say it again.
To which her ds responded. I don't wnat to come to your party. I don't want to be your freind.
When I mentioned the your dad is fat comment, to her, her son denied saying it.
Then she said " besides, he's only saying what he's seeing "
yes my dh is fat. But she shouldn't condone her son for teasing my son about it.
I spoke to the cub leader, who said my son, apart from a couple of times of not doing what he was told, was fine all week. Not as friend described then.
Dh says he is not sure about being comfortable with her son. And has asked that I drive the boys to bowling alley, this saturday, becasue he says he is not that comfortable, being with her son at the moment. At first I thought he was being a bit... but then I realised that he is just trying to protect us all, in an icy situation.
Oh god, heaven help me.
I miss her. My friend. I miss her chats and our laughs. I obviously cared more for the freindship than she did. Silly me.
I hate going to pick up in the playground. I want that awful feelign in the pit of my stomach to go away.I have tried to ignore this whole situation, but going to the playground each day, seeing her son, seeing her, just rubs salt into the wounds.
It would be easier if i had fallen out with a freind who lived miles away, but this is everyday.
I just want my son to be o.k.
I just want to make his life easier and don't want him to have the hassle of her and me, to stop his freindships.
I want to have her son round for tea, because thats what my son wants.
I KNOW you must all think I am over emotional. I realise i am.
But this whole thing is such a mess.
It is beyond my social skills (which are clearly limited, or else I wouldn't have got into this mess) to work out what to do, for the best, for me, my son, the situation, everything.
Oh please Mn'ers. Give me some advice. Help me. Talk straight to me. Give me a slap. I am sobbing even now. Quite pathetic.