I am obsessed with the loss of a close friendship.

[Oblomov]

I posted on another thread, last week or so.
mypost
My post is the long one, about 5 from the top.

I just wanted to add, something to that other post.
Reading it back, it sounds very full on. But it wasn't really like that. Our friendship peaked and troughed, like anyother. Sometimes we saw alot of eachother, sometimes we didn't see eachother for ages. Pretty normal, I assume. I work 3 days a week. She was the class rep and knew lots of people, was very chatty. Which I encouraged her to take the class rep position. And was never jealous of that aspect. Our freindship sounds very full on, but actually over the course of 4 years, it wasn't that full on. I work, she didn't. Some weeks, I didn't see her at all. I chatted to other people in the playground, on the days when I did actually do pick up (not working). and then we would see eachother, realise we hadn't spoken for 1/2/3 weeks and come round to each others houses for a coffee and a catch up.

I was talking to my best freind about this last night.
The atmosphere in the playground is so icy. barely civil. I sit at work, 15 minutes before having to go to pick up, dreading going. Come on, thats not good. And about once every week or 2 weeks, I still have a little sob about it all. When you write that down, it sounds so pathetic.

I am so angry with myself. Why can't I get over this? I want to hit myself with a large slap and shout 'stop being such a wimp, you idiot'. But I still get upset by what has happened. Miss her. Worry about what I am going to do about about ds1's birthday party. I should invite her ds. He is still my ds's best friend. But she was also very very rude and offensive about my dh, that my dh has no time for her.

Why am I letting her get to me? What is wrong with me? Why can't i get over this?

Please could you give me a hard slap.
Or atleast give some sensible advice, with practical steps as to how to stop this hurting so much, how to be tougher on myself.

oh darling, you are so hurt by this - traumatised by the sound of it - but what I found so hard to read, which made me wince, was how viciously you beat yourself up! Step back, look at how you're talking about yourself. You have to be your friend, otherwise what hope do you have.

Now take that oblomov and give her a cuddle and a bit of space. She is hurting so bad . Be kind to her. Beating her up is not going to get her any closer to getting over this trauma.

And trauma it is. It doesnt matter if it doesn't 'make sense' - if you had a ski-ing accident and you were still hurting bad 6 months later, then you would conclude that something had obviously been damaged more than you initially thought. Same with emotions. You wouldn't be beating yourself up if you were still hurting 6 months after a ski-ing accident, so don't beat yourself up now.

Time to start accepting oblomov. You are grieving, this has hurt you deeply - accept that, accept her (you, that is). I know it's the old saw but I would consider getting some therapy to get some professional perspective on why this has hurt you so deeply. yy losing a close friends hurts unimaginably and will always be sore (imo) but you need some support to get over this. YOu'd go to a back doctor if your back was hurting after 6 months, same with your mind/emotions. I'm amazed people don't do the obvious on this, personally - ie get to a specialist.

ONe of your first posters said you love(d) her. No shame in that, I love my friends. I really do. Nothing wrong or right about that. To lose someone you love, a relationship you cherished, is very hard, right up there, so give yourself a break sweetie.

oblomov earlier, you said you had no-one in rl to talk to because you talked to them in the summer and 'people don't want to hear, do they?'

Something there struck me that you feel quite abandoned with this pain and rejection and you're looking for someone to explain it and help you deal with it.

I'm sorry you feel so hurt. It will get better.

ob /manly type punch on shoulder. This exactly the sort of mental snafu I would end up, I just seem to get a bit intense about rejection, and dwell on it, I know the best revenge is living well and having a fab life without ex-friend but it takes work to convince yourself of that.

Btw I agree with your DH about feeling uncomfortable around this child - whether this lad is a habitual liar, or the ex-friend is an unpleasant drama queen, it sounds like they are a family best avoided outside school, given the history.

Thanks for the posts springy, julie and lightpassenger.
I will try to cut myslef some slack.
I don't want to talk to anyone about it in rl, becuase I think I should have dealt with it already. But I certainly will deal with it now.
I will try not to dwell. I have done that for too long, far too long.

I can relate to op with the feeling of abandonment in this relationship.

Oblomov, I've had to work very hard on the things i have mentioned to you, and i realised that some of the things that have happened to me ARE because of a deep rooted feeling of being abandoned when i was young.

Being ignored etc...

Hence i feel my dealing with my husband leaving 8 yrs ago, it took yrs to get over the feeling of being let down and not understanding.

It's ok not to understand, it will take time but it will feel better.

I think I should have dealt with it already

But I certainly will deal with it now

I will try not to dwell

I have done that for too long, far too long

There you go again!!

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

BE KIND TO YOURSELF

STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP

(sorry to shout)

oh that didn't make sense. I have just found getting over things like this have hit me very personally inside, through a fear of not being understood or valued.

best cook tea!

Thansk pirtae.
Springy, (laughing at the shouting.)it is only because my mum and my best friend said, around the start of the term , in Sept, that I had to let this go and that i should have let this go by now.
So I was being told that it is normal to have let this go by this time. which I seemed unable to do.
Thats not beating myself up. It was me being told that people expected me to have gotten over it.

'should', 'ought' etc don't really help. if it hurts, it hurts. you need acceptance and support :)

Really know how you're feeling I have a very similar situation going on. I know the woman is trouble from what i've seen and I don't know why i'm bothered our friendship is not what it was but I hate the icy, awkward atmosphere and I have no idea why she doesn't like me or go all to exclude me!

Oblomov, I wonder if you're missing the fact that you were also, around the same time, finding out that your marriage wasn't quite as you thought? Have I got that right? Sorry if not.

I was just thinking what a tremendous shock it is to discover your emotional world isn't as steady as you believed. We bandy the words "cognitive dissonance" around a lot these days, but sometimes forget how extremely hard it is to resolve. If both your home life and your relationship with this friend were turning upside-down in a similar time frame, then the one would have seemed to amplify the pain from the other.

I agree, you need to ease up on yourself over this and allow yourself to grieve. All the best.

Manic, I am so very sorry that you are experiencing similar. I hope you can also take some of the very good advice I have been given.
Garlic, thank you for your post, but I think you may have me confused with someone else. As far as I KNOW, all is o.k. In my marriage.

Argh!! Sorry!

No problem.

OK, you asked for a slap... I really think you need to get a grip. Your posts draining to read, this woman probably feels scared that she's going to wake up one night to find you standing over her bed or something. The whole thing is so intense.

Firstly, you are way too involved in your children's social lives (incidentally the conversation at cub camp where your DS supposedly said to her DS that he couldn't take the risk of having his father insulted at his birthday party does not ring true for children of that age). Continue to invite ex-friend's DCs to events if your DCs want them there. Do it all by text and keep to the logistics. No calls. If your kids need to go to aftter school club, send them. It doesn't matter whether this woman is there or not. You don't need to avoid her, you just need to avoid talking to her.

Secondly, you really seem to be wallowing in this and I think on some level you are getting something out of it. Are you just a drama llama or are you using this situation to distract you from some other issue you don't wan't to face? This is exactly the sort of drama I remember having with my friends when we were 13/14, at an all-girls school and unconsciously practising with each other for the emotional relationships we would later have with men. Lots of angst, woe, promises of being special to each other, BEST friends, huge fallings-out, dramatic reconciliations, long letters and phone calls to each other about feelings etc. You are a grown woman, married with children. This behaviour is unseemly. Next time you feel teary about this, STOP. Imagine you are trying to land a helicopter or get a splinter out of your child's foot or chair a meeting or some other situation where you simply can't afford to dissolve in tears. Bite your lip, look up at the sky, and change the subject. Sod "grieving". Nobody has died. She's just some woman from the school gates who you used to be friendly with because your DCs are the same age and now you've fallen out. Happens all the time.

Finally, your DH is uncomfortable being in car with a 7yo who may have called him fat last year? Have I understood that right? If so, he also massively needs a grip.

Hope this helps - I really do wish you well but my god, woman! Sort yourself out before you waste any more potentially happy days! :)

I think idreamed overstates the case somewhat. This is hard for you. You went on holiday with the woman , spent a lot of time with her, shared a lot. She was a very close friend. How ever, you have what sounds like a great dh, and two fab ds. Take solace in that. It is more than many have. Maybe you could do more as a family in your free time, to distract you from sadness about the friendship? Take care, and good luck.

ah Ive been through similar and I was shellshocked and devastated. The atmoshphere at school pick is awful and our ds's are best friends. My friend and I were so close or so I thought although I knew she had a jealous /unkind streak in her and the worst thing is we have so many mutual friends that I dont know where to turn as I dont know what she has said to whom. She decided to drop me , Im not sure exactly why but told other mutual friends that I had done it to her ( the friends told me as they knew I wouldnt have done). But now I dread pick ups as Ive no idea what other lies shes told and to whom and I hate the fact people may think im so childish as to engage in stupid games. Anyway I just am hoping I can get it to the stage of speaking without the icyness and little put downs ( her not me) and get on with it but I never want her as a friend again and I look at it now as you should as a lesson learnt. I feel liek its good that I learnt this before I invested anymore time in her and it frees me up to make other friends who may be more genuine , good luck, youre not alone in this

Come on, it's been SIX MONTHS. Correct me if I'm wrong but I've understood from the OP's that the initial row was early last summer!

Hi OP, I was on the thread back in November and have just found your updates.

This friendship is NEVER EVER going to go back to what it was. Your friend is unfathomable, to me anyway. Clearly she is still holding some kind of hurt about the cub camp fallout. She thinks you will grill her son over an incident at that happened at cub camp months ago? Does that mean that she knows she exaggerated the events (and made some bits up as well) and fears she'll be found out? I think she is quite strange actually, and she is giving you mixed messages with the cast-off clothes followed by the iciness. For what it's worth, I think the fact that her DM talks to you just means that the DM is chilled and, erm, normal.

Your friend has treated you badly. You did not deserve it nor expect it. I said that before.

Try to let it go. Do not engage with her at all. Let the boys sort out their friendship themselves.

With all sympathy to you, op, I do feel that idreamedadream is on the right lines. It could be the very intensity of your feelings that is causing some of the confusing behaviour from your former friend. It seems to me that it is time (way past time, in fact) to stop analysing the reasons for her behaviour and the way things went wrong in your relationship, and to look instead at what it is in you that makes you so obsessed about this friendship.

Reading your incredibly intense posts it does really seem that they are communicating more about you than about the problematic events that were so distressing for you. Continuing to analyse the breakdown of this friendship so obsessively seems like a distraction from things about yourself that might be causing you unhappiness.Going over and over it seems almost like a fantasy -- a very painful rather than a source of pleasure, of course, but one that is a kind of escapism from whatever issues in your life made you need so very much more from this friendship than seems ever to have been realistic.

None of that makes me have any less sympathy for you. It is obviously incredibly painful, and I really hope that you do start to feel able to move on soon.

Hi Oblomov, I was on your thread last year too and remember it well. Sorry to hear things haven't got better but I do agree that it's time to let it go. You need to find a way to recognise that this woman is, as others have said, a bitch. Se was never the friend / person you thought she was. You are better off without her as a friend and it sounds as if the whole family is best avoided. fWiW I would be civil, polite but distant with her so that you know you have always done the right thing / been the bigger person, not for her sake or the sake of the friendship but for the sake of your own sanity, self esteem and confidence.

I really think you need some kind of closure on this - I'm a big fan of rituals whether imagined or real, picturing throwing the whole argument / friendship/ situation off a cliff or into a lake would work, or write her a letter telling how you feel and how disappointed you are in her and what a shit friend she turned out to be - and then BURN IT!!!! Do something, then act on it. Let go. You cannot fix this or do anything to get things back to how they were before - know when to walk away. And then see what you've learned from it. It's all good life experience

FWiW I still feel awkward with the mum at school I fell out with a year ago, so I avoid her if I can and am civil / polite when I can't. I still want to shout and swear at her, but I know it wouldn't help. Seems its best to do what makes your life easier sometimes, rather than what would be 'fair'. You deserve better friends than this my dear, and once you refuse to be treated like this by people, the better friends will come along.

Good luck ((hug))

Actually, rereading your update, it seems that she has been perfectly civil, and even tried to show polite friendship by passing on old clothes. She has accepted a texted invite for son to attend a party, she hasn't done anything to sour your frienship with her mum. And then you have called her to bring up the events of the past, and then she has been cagey.

TBH I'm not surprised she talks to you about you holding a grudge. She has tried to move forward with a cool but civil friendship and you have undermined that by returning to the past. You can see a constructive reason for that return because you want to return to an old intimacy (that perhaps she didn't ever value as much as you do in any case); but it wouldn't be surprising if, to her, it seemed like a destructive niggling -- you can't leave the past alone with her so she doesn't trust you not to leave it alone with her son if he comes to your house. You really REALLY do have to let go of the past.

I can understand not getting over this sort of thing. I am similar but have got better with age. However, I suspect I use avoidance of forming friendships as a strategy to prevent this sort of thing .

However, some people you can't avoid and we have a family member who causes issues like this.

After many years, the penny suddenly dropped. Some people are just LIKE this.

They are the ones who are always 'not speaking' to somebody or other. They are compelled to cause ructions and upset, often in the guise of 'just sticking up for themselves'.

I used to think our family member enjoyed it, had to have the drama, actually NEEDED to have outrage to chat about to her (current) friends or people in favour. Then I realised that a traumatic upbringing was also behind most of her behaviour. I guess she just feels that attack is the best form of defence. She grew up being so used to attack that I think she needs to get in there first - a sort of self-sabotage before it all goes wrong.

It's hard to deal with but I do feel very sorry for her. She is also a lovely person and fantastic, funny company, which is very confusing!

Thank you for the posts from :Idreamed, Laura, Neon, Antrobus, floaty and potion.

I did read Idreamed 1st post just before going to bed. I thought she was a bit harsh. But she had some very valid points.

I have to correct her on not believing the words ds used. ds1 is 9. He has Aspergers, but it is very very mild and at cub camp & summer club run by council ( both last summer) they both said they couldn't tell he was autistic. But sometimes, not all the time, he talks like a little old man (classic Aspergers trait) "After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion....", "I think this is symptomatic of the whole core problem". He says things like that. And he is very protective of dh and ds2. So I TOTALLY beleived what he said he had said.

By the way, I am not alone , in my 'troubles'. 3 people have PM to say they are going through exactly tthe same thing. Many others on the thread have said they have had similar problems. Even Laura0806 is experiencing similar.

However, I do appreciate that I should have got over this by now. The original problem is 6 mths ago. I appreciated it back in October, when I started this thread, and people said the same thing back then, that I really need to get over it. Which is why I am kind of cross with myself and embarrassed, that I haven't got over it. Come on woman. I KNOW I need to.

Even Floaty said about how intense I am . I know this. I can do small talk but deep down I crave intense freindships, close ones where you really get to know someone, they confide in you. But I appreciate that this is what I like. And I have to check in on my intenseness, so that I don't overwhelm.

I had 12 people at my 40th, last weekend. My best freind (who I met at uni, 20 years ago) couldn't come because her son, my godson was in hospital with suspected crohns. My oldest friend from school was there. my sil and niece. 4 of my ds2 PN group. 2 ladies I have met from ds2's recent nursery. An old friend who I met 10 years ago, who grew up with dh. My old work colleague that I met 7 years ago. So I do have a variety of friends.

Potion said I needed to let go. Back in October , someone said similar, about wrapping it up in blanket, and letting go. I don't know why I didn't heed, or action that advice then. I knew it was sensible. I do know I have difficulty letting go. I will try and work on this. very hard.

Floaty, it was this thread, back in October, that suggested i apologise to her.
I only did what the thread , back in October had suggested.