Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

Here it is OP; if you really feel that this would have made you feel better, tack it on here.

Making the hurtful people simply disappear is not healthy. You have to learn to deal with the slings and arrows in the long run. Your counsellor should see these two threads.

*Ivor

Nah, the 'fuck off elsewhere' has been implied a couple of times in this thread, not the last one. I'm not saying that in a hysterical way, more light-hearted.

*Sarah
I don't want to change Mumsnet to the degree it effects you and your right to post whatever you wish.
I want to change it in a way that lets me protect myself whilst still being able to post.

Yes, I think 'hide poster' is the way to go myself. I'll definitely be signing that petiton, and will write something up to post as well.

Please dont' think I'm arrogant enough to think Mumsnet will jump and change overnight for me. I absolutely don't expect that to happen, but I do intend to at least try for some constructive change... and add my voice to those who also want it.

Dear God in Heaven, give me patience.

Nobody has implied at all that you 'fuck off elsewhere'. It has been politely suggested that there might be other forums which you would find preferable. There's nothing wrong with saying that to you, it's merely people trying to help you.

Seriously. Consider that advice. It is meant in a helpful way.

Ha, wouldn't it be funny if the 'hide poster' button was implemented on the back of this thread.

Brought about by a poster who thought there might have been a chance that eating people was ok.

Perhaps the button should be labelled 'Eat Me'. Like Alice's cake. [hgrin]

"I am humiliated to desperation"

Well why start another thread then???

FFS just let it go

*math I agree with you. I need to learn how to deal with the sustained mocking too.

But at least with a 'hide poster' button, I can kind of choose the pacing and timing of that (dealing with a distraught and 'in danger' friend is not the time nor place).

I also don't like what I really do see about myself from the feedback here... which is that I get too quickly into an emotional state of pain that blinds me to my own insensitivity toward others.

That is extremely valuable knowledge, and I can now be on the look out for it. However, sometimes my attempts to be sensitive toward others come across patronising (like then people think I think I am superior or something)... which is also confusing.

I've added my post to that petition. Anyone else who is willing, Please sign this petition!

Thank you all very much. I'm much happier with things now, and believe me.. I will try not to accidentally inflict pain on unprepared people here myself.

I will take the time to think more carefully beforehand, and not simply come bouncing on here (stupidly), thinking everyone will 'get it'.

And warnings... oh yes, I'll be very careful about posting warnings. I genuinely didn't want to trigger/hurt/shock people.

Jesus wept!

Internet forums are not for everyone!

The "hide poster" thread wouldn't however do what OP wants it to here. It won't mean that she has the thread she wants; it will mean that she has a baffling thread full of non-sequiturs which may read really harshly.

And OP: you say your aim is to change MN in a way that pleases you. As I and others have said, MN isn't up for change.

I love the Eat Me button idea

Scarah

I did tell you I wasn't meaning the 'fuck off elsewhere' comment in an emotional/hysterical way. I meant in a light-hearted, playful way.

Of course I know you were all saying it much nicer than that.

This is a playful comment, not an 'I'm so hurt by that' comment. Honestly.

scarevola

No, it really would do exactly what I want.

I don't mind people posting their views, and actually I don't even mind them mocking me as long as I don't have to see it when I'm not ready for it.

It would also let me carry on my thread, getting helpful advice, whilst being blissfully unaware of the posters who I know have come there to mock (for whatever reason).

Life was so much simpler when it was just books and tv. I'm beginning to feel a tad Ludditish.

If people are going to go on my (very sensible) Hide Poster thread to add their thoughts, can someone report it to HQ and say that we have reignited discussion on it and would like them to read it?

I have a feeling that HQ are a bit resistant still, but if they are aware it's being talked about again, they might be more inclined to actually read the arguments on there.

You might think that's the solution, but when posters then start posting replies to bits of the thread you haven't seen, and you no longer understand why the thread is moving as it is, and cannot influence where it goes as you haven't read what's really on it; then will that be be better or worse?

And of course, hiding a poster because you didn't lime their first contribution might lead to your missing really helpful comments from them later on. For one post is not necessarily typical of someone's attitude; nor expertise/experience/wisdom in an area.

I'm coming round to the idea of Hide the Poster. I'd hide all the Po, all the lentilly weaving goat herders, all the dullards, and all the fools.

Oh wait. That's just my FB group left.

*Ultra

I'm going to be mailing them too, with links to my two threads, and a post about why I think its an amazing idea myself, and would have saved my butt yesterday.

You'd have saved your butt yesterday by thinking before you posted.

Far simpler, and you wouldn't have inflicted a particularly nasty and upsetting subject on a load of unsuspecting Mumsnetters. Let alone the poor old Lurkers, who were probably geared up for a parking space grape stealing bunfight.

You can't just hide one poster. That one poster may be responded to and a conversation could be taken in another direction completely. It would be like bedlam if you were to hide posts from one poster -- you wouldn't be able to follow a conversation.

Really, the solution lies within yourself.

Count to ten.
Make a cuppa.
Shrug and take a cleansing breath.
Go on Baby Names or Style and Beauty for a while.

*scarevola

The thread may still get derailed, and yes, I may miss helpful advice from posters that I once hid due to mocking.

Which makes it not a perfect solution, but still a far better solution than sitting through half of yesterday bawling my eyes out/raging, and trying not to turn that into something terribly self (or otherwise) destructive.

I don't like that side of myself btw. It is oversensitive, and extreme. But I don't want my flaws and weaknesses to mean I am simply too 'damaged' to post here and get helpful advice.

A 'Hide poster' isn't a perfect solution... but by god, I'll take it over yesterday's outcome any day.

I'm feeling so much happier just at the thought. I'm definitely going to run with it... Ultra I'm backing you with it with as much as I can do.

Imagine them all in their underwear..

Are you reading and taking on board at all the idea that you yourself are responsible for your level of emotional investment in threads?

I don't think you are.

Scarah

You're right, that would have saved me too.

And you've made it clear I inflicted a lot of pain on unsuspecting people... and I am deeply/utterly horrified by that, it was the last of my intentions, and I apologise unreservedly for it.

I will also take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again (thinking more carefully, warnings, etc.)

However, where I learn... another naive person will eventually pop up in my place... and I want to protect them too, as well as myself for the future, because sometimes I just am too fragile to tolerate sustained mocking, but could desperately use the rest of the advice.

Hide poster is the way to go for me. For that and the knowledge about not hurting people (because of my own lack of awareness/stupidity), I'm very grateful for this thread... and yes, for the presence of some of you same posters I was damning to hell in my head yesterday (not that I actually believe in it).