Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

What exactly are you hoping to achieve by posting this, you will always get nasty, vindictive posts as much as supportive hand holding.

You will get some on this thread.

Why dont you restart it if you want to,or also if you want to talk about anything else out of the ordinary even for MN tell MNHQ first ,before you start the thread,because of its extreme nature.
That way MNHQ can keep an eye on it right from the beginning.

You weren't silenced.

Please do not misrepresent what happened on that thread - which still exists.

The place for your complaint was the police not Mumsnet. That's my opinion. It was far too serious and worrying for an internet forum.

As action needed to be taken to avoid somebody getting hurt.

I've told you all what I am hoping to achieve.

Yes, I am actually trying to get some real change to happen on Mumsnet, for the better, so that people do not get their legitimate threads silenced.

If you don't think it can be done, fair enough. In the nicest possible way, I'm looking for people who think it can be, and have some constructive ideas/support.

I have an issue, and I'm trying to get support with it. If Relationships isn't the place then I'm happy to ask for it to be moved somewhere else. Someone mentioned Site Issues? I think I will try there.

The difficulty with that, Halfway, is that most people are here because they enjoy MN the way it is. They don't want to be on their best behaviour all the time: they are are usually here to have a laugh and shoot the breeze. The site would wither and die if people had to adhere to the standard of protocol you are advocating for an informal environment.

But I will leave you to it now, if Meditrina is correct and this thread was envisaged as a space for you to talk about personal issues. I'm commenting as though it were in Site Stuff, and I can see that's inappropriate. Plus yes, it is all a bit thread-about-threadish.

"But that takes heads-together, and constructive feedback to take to MNHQ. "

What you're talking about is censorship. One of the refreshing things about MN is that people talk about anything and everything with complete freedom, barring a few obvious rules of engagement. There's as much swearing and snarking as there is encouragement and sharing. It would be wrong to change that with heavy-handed censorship. Yes... 'don't post in AIBU'... is serious advice.

But if you post about canibalism, especially under a new name, and more especially if you drip-feed more and more extreme views, there is bound to be some scepticism about the veracity of the post.

And some taking of the piss, tbh. Because it is so obviously not ok.

meditrina The thread is silenced.

Look at it. It is locked. And not because of me. Because of mocking. Thats what I'm complaining about.

Vivienne I took it to the police. I was able to do that because of the suggestions I had to do that, otherwise I quite honestly wouldn't have thought of the police because nothing had happened yet. Thats what I come to Mumsnet for, helpful suggestions.

It was a disturbing and disgusting subject. I'm having a strong emotional and physical reaction to it now. I find the fact that you questioned why it was weird and the fact that your (self harming) friend is considering it to be really fucking weird and upsetting. I can see why people derailed the thread as a way to dilute the horror and disturbingness of it. You might have anticipated it would cause strong reactions.

I mean, you were posting that your friend was considering cutting off pieces of herself and feeding them to her new lover.

Really?

I mean, really?

You had that conversation and thought "I know, I'll ask on Mumsnet, they will give me some considered thought-out answers".

ffs.

I've not been here very long. And I prefer Mumsnet to stay the way it is.

Halfway, you keep saying "people like me"

You did it on the last thread and was kindly picked up on it

There is no tiered system on MN where "normal" (your words, from the other thread) people get a certain level of tolerance and understanding and "people like you" get something different

Personally, I don't think MN is able to give you what you need. That isn't a silencing tactic, nor a snarky way of saying "off you fuck" it's a true fact

MN, as is detailed at the top of this board, is not populated by posters with the ability to counsel you appropriately for every situation. You are always going to get a mix of people and a mix of responses, some of which will be unsupportive towards you in your eyes.

I agree people went too far in the piss taking and it was horrible for you, but you seem to want something that MN is not equipped to give you

I don't want best behaviour.

I don't mind any/all of your challenging views here right now, even though you are heartily disagreeing with me. I don't mind.

I do mind when sustained mocking becomes so extreme that my thread becomes nonviable here, and gets locked down.

There has to be a way to change that.

Halfway, AIBU isnt chat on here.
And to be frank, I have seen MNHQ not budge on issues tbh that I feel at least, they should have changed stance on.

You can try,but i dont think they are going to change the format of AIBU.
They like posters to get a bit antsy with each other imo.
To them, it keeps the boards active, and stimulating.
They are a money making organisation,and want lively debate to keep posters on MN, and the revenue coming in.

I dont go on netmums,but apparently it is a somewhat quieter forum, though quite what they would have made of your thread yesterday, I have no idea!

And it seems to me that you have started this one precisely because the original was locked, despite the fact that any serious advice you were offered was along the lines of "tell your friend to run a mile".

And you didn't want to do that.

It can be really, really shitty on here. But you just glean the good advice, the intelligent sensible stuff and the others, well just screw them if they want to mock you.

Your thread was so extreme though. Really crazy shit.

Looking at it another way, only you can allow yourself to be silenced or derailed or bogged down in things that you do not consider relevant. You have as much right to post and to choose what you respond to as others have to post and choose what to say. I realise that is quite Ayn Rand-ish though.

Which leaves me to assume you are

(a) Stupid
(b) Naive and gullible
(c) Making it all up

MaryZ Yes, I did think that.

Please by all means, report me to MNHQ if you doubt my sincerity.

I do have a very stupid, naive side. And thats all it is. I don't mind having that pointed out to me. It is true.

I did take on board all the constructive advice on that thread.

I called the police. I made the decision not to support her in any way, shape or form, and to tell her so. I posted all that in the thread.

I don't mind you pointing out my flaws, but failing to listen to constructive feedback is not one of them.

Can I ask why you thought AIBU was an appropriate place to post your thread yesterday?

If you know MN you would never post a thread about cannibalism in AIBU.

So you feel that your thead/voice was 'silenced', and your 'heads-together' solution is to silence those who express themselves in a way you disapprove of.

Might there be something a little wrong with your reasoning, do you think OP?

Why on earth did you choose AIBU for that thread? As a Mner of a few months, you must know that threads in Relationships or similar topics don't get the de-railing/joking about.

Cogito is right - AIBU asks or should Am I Being Unreasonable? - yes or no. Blunt opinion.s Surely that wasn't what you were after anyway - you wanted help/advice?