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Original poster

Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

13 replies

Halfway · 30/10/2012 16:25

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

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MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 31/10/2012 16:05

Afternoon. And huge apologies for our extremely late arrival on this thread.

OK, it might be helpful for us to clarify a few things.

We locked the OP's original thread twice, in fact.

Once because we had received so many reports about it - not surprising, given, as many have pointed out here, it was an extremely unusual thread about cannibalism posted in AIBU during half-term and close to Hallowe'en. We suspended the thread at that point to give us time to check that the OP wasn't some obvious hairy-handed newb.

We then re-opened the thread, with a post to say we had no reason to suspect the OP of anything malicious or misleading.

We resuspended the thread later when it became clear that the OP had got her answers and left the thread (she posted to say so) but there was a lot of trollhunting/derailing still going on and we had worn through the casing on the delete post button

We're sorry, OP, that you felt that mocking posts were left up on the thread for too long. We do try to respond to reports as soon as we can.

Obviously, posts that attack another poster or trollhunt her break our guidelines - and will be deleted as soon as we are aware of them.

It is not our intention ever to add to anyone's distress by leaving any posts like this up for a moment longer than necessary. But we do have to say that, on an open and post-moderated forum such as ours, it would be wrong to expect to be specially protected from what other people might post: we do appreciate that some posters may have particular sensitivities or difficulties but, with the greatest will in the world, we can't change our posting rules for every individual.

It's for that reason that we have the 'hide thread' button and warnings on the top of certain topics about remembering that advice given here, while usually incredibly worthwhile, is no replacement for real-life professional help.

As regards the 'hide poster' button, we're aware that a fair few of you, including the OP, think this may be the answer to many problems.

We're not so sure but we're still thinking on't (and trying to work out the technical implications).

In the case of the OP's first thread, though, we're not sure it would have been helpful. The whole point of her thread, as she says, was to gain perspective on her friend's situation: if she'd been able to hide those posters she initially disagreed with, you could argue that she may not have gained the perspective she was after - and which she was ultimately grateful for.

From our POV, at MNHQ, if people did have a 'hide poster' button, we would have some concern that posters who are causing trouble and concern would simply be hidden, rather than reported. Which, in the case of the OP's original thread, may well have meant that we'd have been even slower to find the thread, delete posts and suspend it.

Hope that's of some help - even this late in the day!

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 31/10/2012 16:09

@IvorHughJackolantern

Love that MNHQ get here when the whole thing has eaten itself burnt itself out and we're swapping brownie recipes Grin

(sorry mate, they're all I have at the mo Blush )

Thank you (I think). And I know: always late to the party, eh?

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 31/10/2012 16:11

@zillyzilly

How about a "Hide Bully" button, HelenMumsnet? If bullies were hidden by the majority of posters, they would get less of a thrill.

Ha!

But I dunno. Think they might regard it as a bit of a badge of honour, no?

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 31/10/2012 16:13

@zillyzilly

Well, you do run the site. Either bullying is ok with you, or it isn't.

It absolutely isn't. Obviously. Sorry: didn't realise your suggestion was serious Blush

If someone is bullying, the most important thing is that they're reported to us. We can't do anything about it if you just hide them instead.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 31/10/2012 16:18

@zillyzilly

HelenMumsnet, I do think bullying is a very serious matter.

This is a parenting site.

So do we, zillyzilly. Hope we've never given the impression otherwise.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 31/10/2012 16:18

@MaryZcary

How's the hangover, Helen?

You know, the one left over from Olivia's birthday party (to which my invite seems to have been mysteriously mislaid Shock).

I hope you are all awake and on the ball for tonight, it being Hallowe'en and all [hwink]

Ha! We're leaving Hallowe'en to Olivia. Obvs.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 31/10/2012 16:19

@MaryZcary

zilly, what is your opinion on trolls and sockpuppets, just as a matter of interest? Do they add to the site?

I'd also like to point out that I reported this thread numerous times, and have done since the time of my very first post.

So mnhq's party yesterday must have been a looooooong one [hgrin]

Wish we HAD been partying. I fear we may just have been slightly overwhelmed by the contents of our inbox.

Many apols for the delays.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 31/10/2012 16:35

@Whooooosualsuspect

I think Nc just to have a go at MNetters is bullying.

Yes, it quite likely is (depending on circs) and we'd definitely follow up that sort of thing...

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 31/10/2012 16:38

@WereTricksPotter

Would you, Helen?

It's zillyzilly doing the goading nc thing.

Thanks awfully [hsmile]

Don't think zilly has nc'd just for this thread? She's been zilly for a couple of days now.

Sorry, zilly, for talking about your as if you're not here.

MNHQ

HelenMumsnet · 31/10/2012 19:01

@EdsRedeemingQualities

Helen, could I just ask - as you seem to be sort of about - if you could clarify for people that I'm not some other persona of whoever this 'Lesley' bird was/is?

I'd really appreciate it - as someone said, like the way you clarified that Halfway isn't anything sinister.

I'm still feeling rattled that anyone thought I was a known troll.

Thanks. (obv if you need to go and verify/look up stuff then I understand, that takes time etc) (but I've always used the same email since 2007)(and I wouldn't know how to work a smartphone if I was stuck in a prison cell with one for 20 years)

Actually, I'm afraid I'm very much not about (day off, allegedly Smile) but we will do our best to address some of the concerns on this thread tomorrow.

In the meantime, we're very happy to confirm that EdsRedeemingQualities is not, and never has been, the same poster as lesley33.

MNHQ

OliviaMumsnet · 31/10/2012 19:49

[hhmm]

MNHQ

OliviaMumsnet · 31/10/2012 20:03

God no, DEFINITELY no christmas ones until December.

MNHQ

OliviaMumsnet · 31/10/2012 22:53

Late night link
Just saying.

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