Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

It was only after a number of hours of this that people started expressing disbelief - especially as the op appeared to be completely ignoring any sensible advice and only responding to the more extreme replies.

And look closely -- this is what is happening here too.

If I were you, OP I would print out this thread and the previous one and ask your counsellor to look at them.

'Po Po Po lovely, lovely Po. Let's turn Mumsnet into the Po-est of Po, and then the Po will be happy'.

Have you tried NetMums? I have absolutely no idea how they'd react to a cannibalism thread, but I'd sure love to watch the response.

Can we give the op the benefit of the doubt that she genuinely wants to learn appropriateness from MNetters? [cant think of a better word]

I hope she has learnt so far
not to post in AIBU,without expecting some, somewhat gladatorial posts
MNHQ is unlikely to change its stance over this,anytime soon
the internet is not always the best place to get advice,
there will be differences of opinion on virtaully all subjects

I didn't read the mocking and goading stuff - left the thread after it got locked (intriguing new development) but what sanctions are you hoping are going to be imposed on those you felt 'went too far' please OP, and who gets to draw the line in the sand?

Well that last post of yours really seemed to be a proper response at last , so great. If these two threads make you think a little more clearly that has to be a good thing.

But sometimes you have to realise that people being blunt isn't to get at you personally, they are being blunt because that is what the posters believe.

As has been said on this thread a few times, no-one can make you feel upset, or emotional, or mocked or anything.

You read the replies, you think about how much truth there is in them, you digest what is useful, you ignore the rest.

If you can't do that you would be better not to post on here about stuff that really matters to you.

Can I just clarify too. I do actually like the honest brutality of Mumsnet, because its real, and reality isn't fluffy and flowery.

I just don't like it when it crosses a line. And I think the continued mocking despite pleas not to did cross a line. How would that have been tolerated if it had happened on a thread where someone was trying to help a friend who had been raped for example?

Its purely and simply that one aspect I don't like, and would like to see a way to better protect myself from that kind of sustained humiliation (like I said, maybe something as simple as a panic button, to get quicker intervention).

To those of you who weren't continually mocking me, regardless of what you said on that thread (harsh or kind), I do and did appreciate it. And I did action it!

This thread is all about me yes, and has moved away from my friend, because I know what to do about her now, and have done as much as I can, thanks to the support I did get.

Now I'm trying to understand how to avoid a repeat of the pain yesterday, and maybe get to understand where things went so terribly wrong in the process... which I am starting to get now, so honestly thank you.

You are missing the very salient point that the line is drawn in a different place for every single poster.

What you construe as hideous mocking, others see as mild ribbing. What some consider to be honesty, others consider to be bullying. There is no 'line drawing', quite simply because it is not for you, or I, to say where that line is going to be drawn.

If something upsets you, accept that fact and walk away. You cannot, and will not be able to police a whole forum, and force it to behave in the way that you consider to be acceptable.

It's not your forum. It's not for you to decide.

"the continued mocking despite pleas"
that is a question for you to MNHQ.

fwiw, it used to be a lot worse imo.
and MN were far slower to deal with it than they are now.
They were especially bad at the weekends.
I think they have more staff nowadays,which is a good thing.

Mine was a general 'you' too. 'One' seemed a little clunky.

What you do in that situation is report the goaders, hide your thread, and make a cuppa.

That's all.

If it were to happen to you or others again, the best way to deal with it is to report, wait for MNHQ to act, and meanwhile hide the thread.

Perhaps that ought to be put somewhere on MN at the top.

x post!

Now I'm trying to understand how to avoid a repeat of the pain yesterday

Honestly, the only way to do that is to not post. If every user had a 'panic button' it would be utter madness!

Sustained humiliation? On a chat forum where nobody knows you? You could have just logged out! I think this is the point we're making. If you can't take the heat, your presence in the kitchen is not obligatory!

Yes, my favourite button here these days is the "hide thread" button.

Though, thinking about it, I prefer the "hide topic" button.

Now if only there was a "move the fucking thread to the correct topic" button, I'd be sorted

BOF there weren't really goaders, it was remarkably mild considering the ridiculous subject matter.

Frankly, I fail to see how anyone could possibly expect to start a thread about eating people and not expect it to turn into a massive bunfight. Which it didn't.

Nobody likes it when lines are crossed. I don't like being called an unreconstructed Marxist. Or an Obergruppenfuhrer.

However, it is up to me to deal with that. I can't expect people not to hit 'post message' if they can expect me to disagree or out of respect for what they might perceive to be my feelings.

Again, context -- a friend who had been raped would have been believable. There is a difference when 'cannibalism, right or wrong, and what if anything should I do' is the topic.

It wouldn't happen to a thread about helping a raped friend. I would eat all of your hats (I said hats) if it did.

Shirley - I'll answer you. ME. I get to decide. New policy.

Oh but math, ObergruppenfurherMath has such a lovely ring to it. [hsad]

I actually agree with you all, that it probably all was very mild.

I do have a skewed perspective, and it did come across incredibly, incredibly painful.

I know thats not your fault, and nor do I wish to silence any of you from saying what you think on this forum.

I do however, wish to protect myself, should I want to seek help here in the future. I've actually got an idea that might be more acceptable. Perhaps there should be a way for an individual (such as myself) to hide posts from specific posters that are not helping.

That way the thread remains, I can still talk without being basically told to 'fuck off elsewhere', everyone else can talk, but I don't have to see the posters who are hurting me without hiding my own thread.

A Hide Poster button?

Now we're talking. I'll take two.

No one told you to fuck off, nor was it implied.

I do however agree with you muchly about the 'hide poster' option. I believe there is a thread in Site Stuff about this; add your name to the petition

There isn't. Quite honestly if you get that upset, you should seriously consider whether this is the right place for you. AIBU definitely isn't, and you cannot expect others to watch what they are saying on the off chance that they might upset you.

If you don't like the coffee a cafe serves, you go elsewhere. Somewhere where the coffee is right, and the atmosphere is comfortable. You don't demand different coffee, and a seat all of your own just because it isn't to your liking.

Trouble is, my Hide list would read like Noah's boarding schedule. On they came, Two Po by Two. I'd end up with a very small MN.

The way to protect yourself is to work really hard with your counsellor on boundaries.