Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

Really Halfway, you so need to get over yourself and learn to walk away. Just accept that you posted a highly inappropriate thread on the wrong forum - not just topic, forum, and learn from it. Or accept that you need to work on yourself a bit more before unleashing yourself on the unsuspecting internet. Yesterday's outcome was entirely of your making, and you seriously need to start accepting that.

You can't blame everyone else every time you don't like something. You need to start looking inwards at your actions, and taking responsibility for them. So far, I'm not really seeing much of that, you're not going to learn by hiding everything you don't like/agree with.

There you are Bof, you have a campaign running mate.
MNHQ tremble...

Cross posts, glad to hear it. I still think a bit of time out, and introspection would benefit you far, far more than simply hiding your problems though. That is meant in the kindest way possible.

Scarah

I don't think you understand that actually I do think I was responsible, and that I do think I should be stronger, and think more before I act.

I do accept those things. However, I also accept that I cannot change overnight, and can simply keep working away at it (which I am doing).

I also accept that because I am not there yet, that it would be better to have a way of protecting myself at certain times, when I need help here.

Thats all. I have what I think is a very elegant and simple solution from Ultra, and not one I would intend to use all the time... just on occasions like yesterday where I got overwhelmed, and until I learn to handle myself better.

Suggestion came from me Halfway Thread started by BOF who may even appoint me Campaign Manager

If a thread is upsetting you that much, then a bit of fiddling with the techie stuff is never going to be the answer.

And you do need to realise the impact of your own actions in choosing to post in AIBU and, more importantly, ignoring/rejecting early offers to move it to a gentler forum. One button (with side effects) is not going to be the answer to what you are describing, and I think it would be wrong to encourage you to think it can be.

Ok, the kind thing to do would be to let this thread die. But I can't help myself...

OP, you are still wilfully missing/ avoiding the point. Which is that if you ask for genuine advice in the appropriate section of MN there won't be any mocking.

So there is no need to make it safe for your future. In future, you won't be posting about extreme issues in AIBU. That is the end of the matter. In what way is it not the end of the matter?

Please do answer this directly, if you have time.

Now, now, the Hide Poster request has been going on as long as I've been here. We'll have no dirty tricks in this campaign.

I don't think Hide poster is the 'be-all, end-all' answer, by any means.

Accepting my own responsibility is part of the answer. (I do)

Thinking more carefully and acting differently in the future is part of the answer. (I will)

But like I said, I'm a work in progress. And also, other people may pop up where I was before I learned these things... and there should be a way to get a little self-protection for certain circumstances, so that the learning can be self-paced a bit.

Hide poster is by far not the whole answer... but I think it would help, definitely.

Thing is though Halfway - if they all just hide the people who say mean things and keep the ones who don't, how will these Naive Newbies ever get to where you are now, which is realising you made a mistake?

Isn't a Hide Poster thing making life harder for them, in the long run? And if they don't know enough to figure out how to post, will they know how to use it anyway?

Amillion wrote: Can we give the op the benefit of the doubt that she genuinely wants to learn appropriateness from MNetters?

I believe this is the case, and admire your commitment Halfway

Your post at 18:29, where you suddenly realised the subject of yesterday's thread was just too horrific to contemplate seriously, is absolutely brilliant to see! Yes, that's exactly what happened - Scarah, with some others, was trying to tell you at the time. You were too emotionally tied up with your own reactions to hear them. A mental health worker and a police officer took the trouble to post that they have encountered the phenomenon (cannibalism) at work. They were trying to support you in that it really happens but, again, you didn't acknowledge them because you hadn't got the point that people couldn't bear to believe it.

This is, to a large extent, an empathy issue. You didn't realise that some folks might be hurt by the mere mention of your problem. So you didn't think to ask what the problem was; you assumed it was a personal attack on you. That you chose to then respond by laying bare your fragility and pleading for mercy is a further element of the boundary issue, but let's look at one thing at a time.

This has taken a while to type, but still hasn't come out quite as intended. I hope other people will add their wisdom ...

Morris

No, you're right. I do intend to prevent those problems for myself by acting differently in the future, and trying to post more appropriately (and in a better area).

However, I do not have as much faith as you that that will lead to no mocking whatsoever. I think people will still mock me sometimes no matter where I go, and no matter how careful I can.

I'll learn to handle that too over time. But sometimes I am just too fragile and bogged down with other things, and would like to access the advice without being forced to handle the mocking at the same time. Thats all.

I will come to handle it over time. I can actually handle it here just fine at the moment, because I am in a better place emotionally (feeling more cheerful and upbeat, and not desperately wondering what I can do to help someone I love).

I'm not seeking to avoid the journey, just gain a little more power to self-pace it, so to speak.

Ivor- you can totally be the Eli Gold. I'll be shagger Peter Florrick.

garlic You are so absolutely right, and have probably expressed it far more eloquently than I can. Thank you so much.

Scarah I'm assuming those 'Naive Newbies' (which I feel comfortable applying to myself, but not sure I would like to apply that label to others), will be able to decide for themselves if they are ready to handle mocking, or will save that particular lesson for a later date.

I know I can make that judgement, and would like to be able to action it, whilst still having the ability to access the helpful (at the time) advice.

agree with bof and maths posts in this thread. MN (and forums in general) are not safe or therapeutic spaces. The best way to protect yourself from mocking is to limit the information you give online, and to do your learning about appropriate boundaries more passively, from seeing others discussing issues and following useful weblinks. MN is like a pub or waiting room full of people - a hopefully v small percentage of people would be unpleasant or manipulative to those they perceive as vulnerable, but they can do a disproportionate amount of harm if you are feeling fragile.

God I could snog you garlic.

Woo hoo! I have purpose!

I thought threads about threads werent allowed?

In any case....that previous thread was surely inappropriate for any Mumsnet forum. It was deeply unpleasant (and I'm pretty unshockable). But much more worrying was the fact that you felt the need to post about your 'dilemma' in the first place. That's my real concern - your terms of reference for a relationship would necessitate even asking the question of anyone, let alone a bunch of strangers. Thats probably why some people gave you a hard time, that it seemed unbelievable.

Seriously OP it would be so much better expending your energy addressing these issues with a professional of some sort, rather than repeatedly posting about being mocked and what you think Mumsnet should have done differently.

Halfway, hiding posters on that thread would have done you no good at all. Because there were dozens of people who thought the thread was a load of bollocks. You couldn't have hidden them all.

If you are as emotionally unstable as you come across (and I'm saying that in a nice way, not as an attack), you need to find and use the "hide thread" button.

If a thread reduces you to tears, you need to hide it. If you can, go and do something in real life, and ffs when you come back DO NOT BE TEMPTED TO UNHIDE IT

Eh? Think you mean Purbles, wasn't me who mentioned Naive Newbies, I think there are very few real naive newbies.

Not a label, you said you were saving other new and naive posters from the same dangers. Then that's what they are - these people you think are just waiting to post extreme topics and be hurt by the mocking. Naive and Newbies. Please don't imply I'm the one labelling them, or indeed believing that they're likely to be affected in any great numbers.

Twas me btw, not Sarah. Easy mistake though, but she's meaner than I am.

You sound terribly self involved OP.

This site is not about you, or me, or any other individual.

If you can't take harsh responses don't post in AIBU it honestly is that simple.

I'm guessing this is the point where you'd 'hide' me. But, to be frank, if you keep ignoring what you don't want to acknowledge and hiding everyone instead, there'll be nothing left to your MN than you and some tumbleweed.

I just want to clarify.

I do realise now that I missed the point that I was genuinely hurting/shocking others. No I didn't get that at the time. And yes, I did think you were attacking me for reasons I couldn't quite get my head around.

Headi
I really am sorry for any negative effect it had on you. It wasn't my intention, and I am going to take steps to try and avoid that effect in the future. I do have professional help, plus medication.
I come on Mumsnet to try and relate to the majority (of non-messed up thinking people), so that my thinking becomes less messed-up/shocking, and more relateable.

I reckon everyone on this thread has at one stage or another been upset by a thread.

But, and this is a big but, being upset by a thread can be a huge positive, as it can make you see much more clearly.

Being too upset, though is counter-productive - and that's when the thread needs to be hidden.

I had a hissy-fit once and made mnhq withdraw all my posts from a thread, and then hid it, it was on a subject very much too close to the bone for me and I shouldn't have posted on it in the first place. But I learned a valuable lesson (and promptly hid half the board [hgrin]).

I am. Loads meaner. Really, horribly mean. I'm an Atrocious Cunt.