Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

But that wasn't what you asked.

You asked whether fantasising about being eaten was ok, and discussed which parts of your friend he could eat, and whether or not it was ok for her to go along with it. And whether it was akin to whips and other fetishes.

It was only hours later that you even suggested doing anything about stopping it.

It sounded to me that you were quite interested in the whole thing.

If a friend asked me, I would say "ffs, don't be stupid, run a mile", and it seems that the vast, vast majority of mumsnetters agree with me - what a surprise .

So had there been an 'enter at your own risk' or 'sensitive content' topic for extreme threads, you'd have gone there?

I bet not. I bet everyone would still post in AIBU 'for the traffic' and then get upset when they get an AIBU response.

Can we not just ban AIBU?

'What change could be constructive, without altering the ability of people to post what they like, whilst still creating a space where people like me can at least talk and not be derailed/locked due to sustained mocking?'

Change your own perspective? Develop a thicker skin? MN does not exist only for you. If it does not suit your purposes then there are other fora.

Perspective, OP, seriously.

What 'happened' to you yesterday is par for the course when what you post is a total head-fuck.

But, as you seem determined to hang around and labour a non-existant point, would you like to talk some more about 'people like you'. What is it that you feel sets you apart? Other than some dubious sounding aquaintances.

I got my answer.

I also got mocked in a sustained pattern, by people who absolutely refused to stop and seemed to get a kick out of driving me to emotional desperation.

That part is terribly, terribly wrong.

If you think posting that on a parenting site is appropriate - if you genuinely thought you might be being 'judgemental' about it - you need trained, professional support, not strangers on an internet forum

MaryZ Those are the things I asked, because those are the things I was thinking about/considering when I initially posted the thread.

Once it sunk in that there was really something terribly wrong about that whole line of thinking, I abandoned it.

Again, you may think I should have known that from the start, but I didn't.

I have a messed up sense of context, and yes perspective, and I know it. Thats why I come to Mumsnet.. to regain that context and perspective.

Otherwise my only option is to hang around my friends who tend to think in equally messed up ways. And quite frankly I don't want to think like that any more. I want to think more like the majority... and to do that, I need to hang around with the majority.

You appear to be asking for a greater freedom of expression for yourself and anyone else who has an 'extreme issue' to get off their chest, regardless of how unpalatable it is to the masses, whilst advocating the repression of anyone who's reaction is not palatable to you.

Piss-taking and mocking are subjective concepts. To you, that's what some of those posts were. To others, they weren't; they were the natural reactions of some individuals to a bizarre thread. So they should be silenced - their posts deleted entirely so no trace remains - but a disturbing thread that you instigated should be left open for everyone who agrees with you to carry on giving you the same advice, over and over again?

Finally, I find it astonishing that your emotive response to the 'goaders' on that thread was, you stated, triggered by the fact you've had experience of violent sexual encounters in the past and their not taking your OP seriously was making those much harder to deal with. But the thread itself did not contain a trigger warning to anyone who may have found themselves in similar situations (as you keep stating, it does happen, and MN is a huge site) and you posted it in a part of the forum that has the most frequent traffic rather than the Relationships forum, that people who have experienced abuse and wish to avoid triggering threads often hide.

Not very thoughtful, was it.

You are still expecting other people, who are reading words on a screen, to understand your emotional state and respond (while not appearing to understand the impact of what you yourself have posted on them). It is not a one way street.

Obiwan What I feel sets me apart is that I lack a certain way of thinking appropriately about things... that other people find disturbing and at times so abhorrent they cannot believe it.

I don't like that about myself, and want to change it. I want to think more like the majority... and to do that, I need to hang around with the majority.

Don't be ridiculous.

Your thread was mocked a bit. Your opinions were disagreed with. And the reason people went on about it was because you were not listening.

No-one was driving you to emotional desperation. If you think canibalism is ok, you are emotionally troubled anyway. If not, why continue with the thread?

And finally, if you want the "mocking" to stop, why not welcome the thread locking and don't start another one.

"I'd hope they'd realise they had a place to come if they were having problems that felt out of their depth, and that they could receive some constructive advice."

AIBU really isn't the place to come when you're feeling really out of your depth. And, as MNHQ point out frequently, this is an open website, not a safe space.

If you believe you need to post in a safer community, you need to seek out a moderated site, and possibly one which validates members.

Many MNetters are here specifically because they want to be on an unmoderated site, and have so sought one out. This may not be the place for you; there are many other sites you could try, and I really hope you find a place which does offer what you want.

As CES said, you're not going to get MN to change.

They have no idea what your level of emotional desperation is, nor do they owe you are particular duty of care. You aren't their client, or patient. You are in their computer. You were talking about some crazy shit. Hell, as far as they knew, you were making it up. It's not "terribly terribly wrong" to take the piss. It's just terribly terribly wrong to imagine it would ever be otherwise in AIBU of all places. Or most places, come to that.

And I can't believe all your real life friends couldn't tell you that cannibalism isn't ok?

If they can't, you are hanging around with some seriously strange people and mumsnet is the least of your problems.

They have no idea what your level of emotional desperation is, nor do they owe you are particular duty of care. You aren't their client, or patient. You are in their computer.

Exactly this.

*Ivor

No, they should be allowed to post things like "I don't think this can be real." and have that remain.

They should be allowed to report it to MNHQ and state that they have done so.

They should be allowed to hide the thread if they are finding it distressing.

They should not be allowed to then hang around and mock the thread continually so that it becomes utterly derailed, I am humiliated to desperation, and I have to leave in the knowledge that if I need help again I will face the very same problem.

What difference does your level of emotional desperation make?

You asked a (very strange) question. You got some honest answers. You should be glad of those, not complaining.

What did you want? Sympathy and understanding? About eating people. Come one.

I am humiliated to desperation.

Then you need to get over it,as someone else said MN is the least of your problems if your mates think its ok to eat body parts.

We are not allowed to state we have reported it.

We are not allowed to state that we don't believe it.

We are allowed to continually question an op's actions when they seem so strange that they are, frankly, unbelievable (as in I don't believe you or your friend think eating bits of people is ok).

Anyone expressing that disbelief is deleted, which I think is wrong.

I don't have time to respond to every single point being made (am juggling baby now atm), but am taking them on board, and can respond broadly.

I will also have to go shortly for a while to prepare food and care for baby, so please do not think I have just disappeared. I will come back.

Nobody owes me anything. They do have the power to mock me to desperation despite my pleas not to, and I think MNHQ should do something about that.

Again, thats why I'm here. I'm trying to think constructively about what MNHQ can do whilst still protecting the integrity of the site.

MaryZ I have some friends who do not think in extremely damaged ways. But I come from an extremely damaged past, and so many of my friends do think in those sorts of ways.

I don't like it and I want to move away from it, and think in more healthy ways, and more like the majority. Thats why I need to be able to interact with more healthy people.

I do also have professional help (GP/counsellor/medication).

And if you are really "humiliated to desperation", why on earth open the topic again [baffled]?

I hope any future problems you face you ask reasonable questions in relevant topics and get advice and help.

But asking about eating people in aibu was never going to be a gentle discussion.

I have to leave in the knowledge that if I need help again I will face the very same problem.

But what on earth do you anticipate experiencing that will mean you need to post another thread likely to get that reaction? And surely if you need advice again, you know now to post in a topic, not AIBU?

I think implying you've been hounded out is a bit dramatic tbh.

"They should not be allowed to then hang around and mock the thread continually"

No, you've got it wrong. AIBU is a harsh gladiatorial arena. You're effectively asking to be mocked on that board. Mocking is what AIBU does best. Try posting that you're a passionate Tory voter and then duck. Flaming, mockery, great screeds of evidence why you're a cunt, scum and other choice swear words will all come your way. It's sport. Anyone posting knows that..... Several thousand do it daily. Only a few have wandered in by mistake and then complain....

Well then talk to your counsellor.

Who will, I hope, tell you to tell your friend not to let her boyfriend eat bits of her.

And ask on here, in relationships, or mental health, or wherever, if you have real problems to which you want real solutions, or real dilemmas that you want support with.