Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

Ruby

This thread is not about my friend. The thread about her is locked.

However, since she left she has not been in contact with me. I cannot chase her, because she will completely shut down. I have to wait for her to approach me.

However, she seemed to be frightened that she was in danger when she left, and I told her if she went ahead it would be without my support... and quite honestly, I think that will be enough to make her back out.

I think she'll still keep talking to him though.

x-posted - no amillion, what I'm saying is that sometimes what you think is bullying/derailing/whatever, is posters trying to neutralise toxic threads. Before truly sensitive/naive/vulnerable people get sucked in.

My comment was a general comment, not necessarily about this op. Just sometimes, when reading a thread, think about the lurkers as well as the posters. That's all.

Thanks Mary. Was going to re-engage but for some weird reason I completely lost the will to live!

TBH OP I was seriously concerned about your friend on the other thread, and was pleased that you were so supportive. However, I thought you took the (relatively gentle, given you chose AIBU) daft / disbelieving posts far too personally. And now you've had an almost full thread of people talking about your feelings and general disappointment that not everyone is instantly on eggshells because you had terrible things happen to you.

As Ruby said upthread, how is your friend?

Perhaps, halfway, if therapy is what you are really after, you either consult a therapist, or if you want it from non professionals on here, you start a new thread, if you are allowed [talk to MNHQ first], and posters who want to help,may choose to help you.
AND DO NOT PUT IT IN AIBU!!!

Garlic

I totally agree with this:

? You posted a thread about an horrific dilemma, with no warning, in Fight Club AIBU.
? You failed spectacularly to anticipate that people would be horrified.
? You failed spectacularly to appreciate they were trying to soften their shock with humour.
? You blanked those who were trying to explain.
? You chose to assume others had it in for you (at that stage, they didn't)
? You tried to make them stop by displaying your vulnerability and pleading.
? This is invariably a poor strategy when feeling got at.

I really do totally agree. I guess what I'm trying to do now is figure out why I did those things. Because I will do a lot of it again (accidentally), if I don't get to the root.

MaryZ

You expect me to think of your motivations as lovely and sweet, when you have made it very clear you think my motivations are sinister.

Forgive me if I judge you just as harshly, but I do. I think you got a kick out of hurting me and knowing you could get away with it (in the name of righteousness). Thats what I genuinely think now.

Indeed, the locked thread means no update. So as we have your company here I thought it only polite to ask.

I think you and I have different understandings of the word "oversensitive".

Fairy muff, amillion, it's quite likely!

I do agree with you that compassion, empathy and respect are the way to go 95 times out of 100.

amillion I have professional therapy. Part of the advice from that professional therapy has been to engage with the mainstream more, instead of sticking to a tiny group of damaged friends.

Ruby Fair enough. I do care deeply about my friend, its just I've done all I can do for her at the moment... and its essentially blank silence now until she chooses to engage with me again.

Right Halfway. I've been doing my best to ignore you, but you seriously need putting straight on a few things.

You do NOT compare your pissant ridiculous thread about some moron wanting to eat bits of your 'friend' to a thread about rape.

Ever.

OK.

I have been raped. Badly, brutally, horrifically, by someone who is now in prison for life, and will never get out. Someone who went on to murder women, and I am bloody grateful every day of my life that I was one of the early ones and I got away with 'just' being raped. And I'm not the only one on this board, and by doing so you insult each and every one of us. This board has been a lifeline for me. The women on here talked to me, held my hand, and helped me through ever step of dealing with that, and self centred idiots like you are doing your utmost to ruin here.

So don't you DARE ever compare your fucking stupid ridiculous thread where you got mildly ribbed with a thread about someone being raped.

Do I make myself clear? Very, very, very clear? Because half this board seems to have great difficulty breaking through that unbelievably thick shell of yours, and popping your, frankly, quite obnoxious bubble of conceit.

Jeez, your getting boring now, Halfway.
Where's your mate zilly BTW?

Well if you engage with the mainstream, you should consider that mainstream views may actually be normal.

And since probably 90% of the people on this thread actually agree with my take on it, that just might be the mainstream view.

So the fact that you think I'm "getting a kick out of hurting you" means your thinking is seriously skewed.

Does anyone else, having read my comment on this thread think I'm "getting a kick out of hurting" the op?

Just wondering.

(((Hugs))) Stratters.
Lets go and talk butter dishes, pet.

MaryZcary, re your first paragraph.
I have never thought that that was happening at all.
To me they have always come across as quite rude tbh, unhelpful etc.
I think you would have to know them well to realise what they are doing?

I will have to think more about your 2nd paragraph. Do you mean that the lurkers then post, when they wouldnt have done otherwise?

tbh,to me,when it looks like posters come in to be rude,and possibly derail, that is because they want to be rude etc.
And other posters take them the same way as me.

To me, what you describe only works when everyone knows a.what they are like b.they mean no harm c.everyone knows why they are doing it.
And that isnt really the case is it?

OP You would do very well now to ask MNHQ to delete these threads, and please don't even dare to suggest that posters such as Scarah should hide the thread and not look

Scarah Then go away if it is triggering you. Report me if you think its insincere. I am not holding you here.

I say it as I see it.

I have been raped too, from childhood, many, many times... so don't DARE tell me I devalue it.

I'm not comparing my thread to rape. I'm comparing joking around on my thread to joking around on a thread where someone was trying to deal with a rape victim.

Why? Because I was trying to deal with a potential murder victim. And actually, I think thats something just as, if not worse.

So no, I will compare the two.

Fucking Hell, you have no shame

Late night link
Just saying.

2 words

Narcissistic fuckwit

Over 900 posts because you were hurt in italics over a few piss taking comments on another thread?

I bet you were absolutely distraught when the other thread got locked and there were still a few more gallons for you to milk out of it?

Hence your need to start this thread and remind everyone just how hurt in italics you were.

FFS.

Sorry, I'm done trying to be overly careful for your sake.

I'm saying what I really think now. If it hurts you, then hide it.

It is a remarkable thing that a very high proportion of normal, mainstream human beings (particularly women) have survived horrible experiences. When one is trying to learn 'normal', it's essential to remember this and to learn from them - as we all learn, continuously, from one another :)

I really should save this question for your next (more constructive) thread, Halfway, but I'm afraid I'm itching to ask. Have you been diagnosed with BPD?