Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

Amillion, I would argue that "making eyes" about somebody's hurt is a less than optimal response. And even if their friends choose to pull faces about them, they themselves would be wisely advised to investigate what led them to be easily hurt in a particular manner.

When we talk about being 'oversensitive' we're talking about a person who feels disempowered or even overpowered by the trigger. For their own future wellbeing, they might choose to figure out how they got weakened to such triggers. If those around them think it's funny to take the piss out of somebody who's feeling got at, those around them are arseholes.

HTH.

Engaging with people is therapy. And I make sure I don't just 'take' from Mumsnet, but try to give too.. by supporting many other posters here, or even just registering a listening ear.

Everyone has their own selfish reasons for engaging with people, or indeed posting on these forums.

Why do you do it?

Mary !
I know.

But I think the other part of her may be genuine.
She does come across, and I may be wrong, as someone who does have sensitivities in a bit of a muddle.

Halfway, noooooo, do not care about others less.
Yes, it is all a balancing act.
There are really 2 parts,which you need to learn to keep seperately.

The caring about others part, which you may well be not too bad at.

And the boundaries, looking after yourself emotionally part, which,to put it politely,you are not very good at.

SirSugar Will a little Kumbayah help?

In all seriousness [ha!], I'm here to learn from other people's wisdom... in some ways its serious, and in other ways its just what I'm compelled to do.

amillion

I don't mean don't care about other people at all.. that really would make me a monster.

Maybe just care less?

My God. This has been going on for over 900 posts! Round and round in circles.

You keep going on and comparing the frankly mild piss taking on your first thread to piss taking on a rape thread. Let me help you out here. That has never happened and it never will. To compare a rape thread to your cannibal thread is, to my way of thinking, a way of validating your preposterous concept and at the same time devaluing a hideous reality. You need to take heed of what SGB is saying - read what she has written and try really hard to assimilate. If you can manage that she will have done you a monumental favour

I think that's your mistake. Therapy is therapy. Engaging with people is engaging with people. Really, they are profoundly different things.

Truly, it's subtly but profoundly insulting to tell people that they main thing you're gaining from interaction with them is lessons about your own personality.

No, halfway.
Always care about other people.
Always care a lot.

Badgers

I will continue to compare the two.

You need to think about why it has never happened on a rape thread.

And OtheEldritch

What do you gain from interacting with people?

The sooner we finish the better Boo [hgrin]

garlicbaguette, I think you and I have different understandings of the word "oversensitive".
There may be 2 different meanings to it, or your meaning may well be right, and mine wrong .

And amillion I'd really like to agree with you. Believe me I would. However, I'm just not sure its realistic any more.

Like I said, I'm not talking about not caring at all. Heck, I don't even mean not caring a lot. Maybe just not as much.

MaryZ If you derail my thread just to hit 1000, I really will start another one, while I still have something to say on the subject.

amillion, sometimes when you look at posts on mumsnet, just for a second forget about the op of the thread you are looking at and think about the dozens (or maybe hundreds) of lurkers people who are reading and being affected by that thread.

You call it troll-hunting. Some of us who have been here for a long time call it "protecting the many innocent bystanders who are being sucked in".

That is a very simple way of explaining why some of us get crosser than you might think is appropriate by some very odd threads.

Does that make sense to you?

No Halfway. You should aim to go the other way.
Caring less about people can mean becoming nastier, more isolated and quite frankly, generally unhappier.

I note that my comments about not confusing AIBU with group therapy don't seem to have come under the 'feedback' for you to 'take on board' so as to 'learn and grow'.

Really, context is important. AIBU is not a group set up specially to give you therapy, and it's insulting to other posters if you treat it as such. Take that on board.

HOW IS YOUR FRIEND?
Really, isn't that what this is all about?
Could we, perhaps have an update.

I think what caused me to be so hurt, was that I mistakenly believed everyone would want to avoid my sensitivities the way I wished to avoid theirs

Nooo, you wally, it wasn't about how incredibly, delicately lovely you are and how disappointed you are to find others being less delicate & lovely. Haff you learnt nozzink in ze zerapy??!

Here's what happened. In mercifully abbreviated summary.
? You posted a thread about an horrific dilemma, with no warning, in Fight Club AIBU.
? You failed spectacularly to anticipate that people would be horrified.
? You failed spectacularly to appreciate they were trying to soften their shock with humour.
? You blanked those who were trying to explain.
? You chose to assume others had it in for you (at that stage, they didn't)
? You tried to make them stop by displaying your vulnerability and pleading.
? This is invariably a poor strategy when feeling got at.

The episode is showing you (and the rest of us, in positively surgical detail) that you hurt when you feel you're not being validated - that is, taken seriously and attended to. It also shows us that, when you feel 'unheard', you feel attacked. And that you respond to feeling attacked by metaphorically rending your clothes and tearing your flesh. Which is never going to work.

Should you actually wish to discuss any of this properly, I suggest you start a new thread for the purpose.

Lovely Halfway, are you threatening me now [baffled]?

I have been nothing but polite to you on this thread, despite your, quite frankly, peculiar attitude to many things and your rudeness to many, including Helen

Sorry, MaryZCary I didnt understand that at all.
Are you saying that the op is a troll, and I am feeding it,and thereby sucking innocent bystanders in?

Otheeldritch

I really am. I asked you a serious question... why do you use it? What better purpose is there for engaging with people?

Do you actually have answers for those? Or are you just determined to criticise my reasons?

It has never happened on a rape thread, because, quite simply, we are not (contrary to what you would like to believe) a crowd of vindictive bitches.

We are generally nice, supportive, helpful, friendly people who will help others who have true problems, dilemmas, difficulties.

What we won't do is allow others to get away with damaging innocent people. Which is what trolls do.

Garlic, lovely post.