Concerned about attempted silencing/derailing of issues (via hunting/mocking)

[Halfway]

I posted a thread in AIBU yesterday (perhaps foolishly), which thankfully did turn out to be very helpful, but also turned out to be extremely hurtful. And while overall, I gained a great deal of benefit/clarity/insight from it, I also spent a great deal of the day in tears and/or raging, and feeling generally crap about myself.

The post was about a friend, which led a lot of people to think I musn't be that emotionally invested, because it wasn't about me.

However, I was emotionally invested because I felt like I was watching my friend potentially walk into a very, very dangerous situation (which could end up in her hurt or even dead), and worse, I had the realisation that I could not stop her, but could only try to, and may very well fail.

In the context of that worry, these are the specific things I am complaining about:

a) sustained piss-taking/mocking (which not only humiliate/hurt me, but distracted and derailed the thread, with others jumping on board)

b) failure/refusal to stop the piss-taking/mocking when asked nicely to, and despite my making it clear that I was finding it painful

LET ME MAKE IT VERY CLEAR - I have nothing against genuine concerns, disagreements, and even disbelief of my thread, or specifics in my posts if these things are stated outright (not passive-aggressively buried in in-jokes), and if the posters simply make their position clear and report to MNHQ.

There is a valid need for this kind of watchdog activity, and I am in no way trying to stop that.

But the mocking, especially the sustained mocking by some posters, and 'ha ha' twisting of my dilemma into a funny joke conversation... well that hurt. That really hurt. And I've been seriously hurt in the past (raped, beaten to broken bones), so am no hand-wringing wallflower. It was triggering.

I think that behaviour is wrong, and I think it is going to hurt a lot more people other than me. Perhaps it is already hurting people who have severe issues of their own, and feel they cannot post because they will be laughed at.

Anyway, I'm concerned about it, deeply concerned, and still a bit disturbed myself (although much emotionally cooler).

I'm also not sure how this fits into "Relationships", so apologies if it seems weird here, but I seem to be inviting more suspicion by posting in AIBU, so here it is, and I'm grateful to anyone willing to listen.

Basically OP, these are your choices. You can sod off decide that you are altogether too delicate to be disagreed with and therefore seek out professional support and/or a dedicated website or forum set up as a Safe Space. You can carry on posting whatever and wherever you like and take what benefits you can garner from so doing (along with people posting things that you disagree with or dislike). Or you can carry on squeeeeeallling and maybe gather yourself a small cluster of dimwits officious, self-righteous, self-appointed Thread Police along with a lot of pointing and laughing.

There isn't a magic button that's going to compel people into giving you Special Treatment just because you whine the most.

(and if you can point to a single post where I have shown you anything less than civility, I'd be interested to see it. I'm not aware of being an especially bossy person. I was just shocked at the rudeness towards Helen earlier, which seems to be continuing.)

I thought part of the reason you started this new thread was to learn things about yourself, because,you said, you had things happen in your life,that have left you with non normal boundaries,and you wanted MN to help you out in that regard.

There's no such thing as oversensitive. Sensitivity is a valuable quality. When people accuse someone of being oversensitive, they usually mean they think they wouldn't have been as upset by the offence as the 'oversensitive' person was. It's often worthwhile, therefore, to consider what led to the upset feelings. My first therapist told me, when someone upset me a lot, to thank them for showing me where I still hurt (in my head/diary, not to their face!) I found this incredibly wanky but I was wrong. It was rock-solid advice, which I regularly use to this today.

All this talk about flaws and feedback and hurt and pain and growth and so on suggests to me, OP, that for some reason you have confused AIBU with a group therapy session.

yep, Mary,thanks again, I do have a large tendency to believe the best of everyone.

SolidGold

This option: "You can carry on posting whatever and wherever you like and take what benefits you can garner from so doing (along with people posting things that you disagree with or dislike)."

But I'm going to have to change to do that.. become less sensitive yes, which probably also means caring less about people's sensitivities here. Thats not a tantrum, thats my actual cool-headed (atm) thinking. Plus experimenting more with retaliatory aggression (which normally I try desperately to avoid in myself).

You continue to misunderstand what I hope to achieve with the 'hide poster' button, but I intend to continue to pursue it.

And amillion

Yes thats exactly what I want to do (learn and grow). I think thats what I'm doing. I think genuinely perhaps in order to grow, I have to become less soft, and slightly more aggressive.

ooh garlic, I would have to disagreee with you there, I am afraid.
I know plenty of people who can be hurt easily, and get hurt by things that make other people, quite frankly, make eyes at each other about.

Really, amillion? Because I have seen an awful lot of whiny posts and threads from you about where MN and its posters are going wrong, which doesn't strike me an an overly generous personality trait.

UltraBof, I'm not sure if your last posts have been to me or not.
I will act as if they have been.

I am sure that HelenMumsnet can handle me!

OP, when we get to a 1000 posts are you going to begin another thread?

at Sugar.

Now, I think we should all hold hands and talk about what we have found particularly growthful in this thread.

An ordinaryily generous personality trait is all right with me.

Posters going wrong?
In what way?

SirSugar

If I have something on my chest that I feel would benefit from constructive feedback (and help me to learn and grow), then yes.

You would be no more compelled to post on, or even see that one, than you are this one.

You are going to have to like me or lump me I'm afraid. This take it or leave it business is a two-way street.

Weretricks I think I agree with you (my god, is that a first?)

garlic

I respect your advice greatly.

However, I think that is what I am doing?

I think what caused me to be so hurt, was that I mistakenly believed everyone would want to avoid my sensitivities the way I wished to avoid theirs, and read extreme malice into their lack of doing so (in my perception).

I think the only way I can care less about this, is to literally care less about them.. if that makes any sense.

I don't instinctively like the sound of that, but hell... I've never really fought back. Maybe its time to start.

ENOUGH WITH THE USING AIBU AS GROUP THERAPY ALREADY.

Really, the key thing about group therapy is that everyone's signed up for it. No-one here has. Telling a load of strangers that they're there to help you learn and grow is odd at best and in my book just a little bit rude. Essentially it says other people are objects for your personal betterment, which seems pretty solipsistic and dismissive to me.

OtheEldritch Do you know the lyrics to 'Kumbayah?'

Halfway
I mean this in the nicest possible way. You need to stop overthinking things to this extent. Seriously, it must be utterly exhausting being you.

You posted a thread, some people were a bit silly and not very nice, most were supportive and helpful.

Let it be.

I am very impressed by the sudden ability of the op to express herself so well, her sudden with such thought out and literate posts.

Whereas yesterday she couldn't decide whether being eaten was ok.

She has certainly learned a lot from these threads.

So how is your friend? (After all, it's not all about you is it?)

I'll sing it for you, OP, if you stop treating AIBU like a therapy group.

FWIW, I think you are taking this all a bit too seriously OP