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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done a bad thing

162 replies

winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:05

I've namechanged. If you do recognise my posting style please do not out me as their are people that I know on here in RL.

My relationship with DH hasn't been happy for years. We no longer have anything in common and I haven't loved him in a long time.

Against all advice on here and from friends, I have stayed in the relationship because of the children and tbh, because it's easier.

I recently went on a rare night out and ended up kissing a friend.
I feel awful that I behaved in that way.
DH doesn't know and I don't know whether to tell him.

At the moment he's being fantastic by supporting me through my studies. But he deserves to be more than childcare. My children deserve more and I deserve more.

I'm being selfish.

OP posts:
MolotovBomb · 28/10/2012 20:10

There's no need to tell him about the kiss, but you need to listed to your feelings. Do you love your husband anymore? Do you want to be with him?

If the answer is 'no', then please do the kindest thing and call time on this relationship whilst you both still have your dignity intact.

Affairs muddy things. Get out whilst your conscience is clear.

amillionyears · 28/10/2012 20:10

what do you want to do?
Are you just letting off steam on here?

CanAnybodyMakeSenseofThis · 28/10/2012 20:10

Don't tell your DH, but do end the marriage. This isn't good for anyone, including the children.

expatinscotland · 28/10/2012 20:11

Gees, it's not like you shagged him or gave him a bj.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:13

No, I don't love him anymore. At best, I love him as a distant relation.
No, I don't want to be with him. But at the same time, I suppose I'm too much of a wimp to leave.
I'm not planning on having an affair but am well aware that if that (the other night) has happened once then it can happen again. I don't want to be that person. I'm not a slut.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 28/10/2012 20:14

If it really was just a kiss/ snog or whatever, don't tell him.

Use this incident to focus your feelings a bit. You really have two choices: Leave your DH, or commit to making the relationship better.

If you're 'checking out' longer term, you'll have to tell him.

MolotovBomb · 28/10/2012 20:15

expat: there wasn't any sexual contact, but there was intimacy. I wouldn't like it if my DH kissed another woman whilst he was unhappy in our relationship.

In this scenario, the kiss is a sign that a shag or a bj isn't far away, according to the Op's circumstances.

MorrisZapp · 28/10/2012 20:15

Hmm. Lost a bit of sympathy now you used that word - slut. What a woman hating word that is.

NewNames · 28/10/2012 20:15

No, don't tell him.

Being unhappy can make us do silly things - almost as if we want to do things to push us into making a decision.

MolotovBomb · 28/10/2012 20:17

Winnie you need to find the strength from somewhere to leave, else you risk living quite an unhappy and unfulfilled life.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:17

Morris- it was aimed at myself. no one else.

OP posts:
MolotovBomb · 28/10/2012 20:18

Aaaaaand, making everyone around you unhappy and unfulfilled

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:19

But at the moment he is doing a large majority of the child care around working whilst I study. I'm not sure how it would work even if I got the balls to do it.

OP posts:
MolotovBomb · 28/10/2012 20:19

Slut = it's just semantics. I think the op is racked with guilt and usin the most derogatory labels directed to herself as a type of punishment

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:19

Exactly Molo- that is how it feels.

OP posts:
MolotovBomb · 28/10/2012 20:25

I know - but you can't stay together just for him to care for your DCs.

fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 20:26

You can't use the fact that it would be inconvenient to leave, as a reason to stay! He deserves better than that surely?

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:26

He does, yes.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 20:29

How long have you been with him OP?

Not that it matters really tbh. If you don't love him then you both deserve to be happy with someone else. Or just apart.

MajesticWhine · 28/10/2012 20:30

So, OP, it sounds like you are staying with him for the convenience of childcare while you complete your studies. Which isn't really fair on him. Does he know that you have essentially checked out of the marriage and are staying for the convenience? Maybe you both deserve more. The honest thing to do is either to leave him or make an effort to get your relationship back on track somehow.

Autumnchill · 28/10/2012 20:32

I completely understand your situation. Do the right thing, either work on your marriage and get the spark back or leave without starting a relationship with someone else. You don't need a third person complicating it and muddying the water.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:33

13 years. It hasn't been happy for over 6 years.

Not sure that I can or want to get it back on track Majestic. Sad

I know that I'm sounding awful, believe me I'm feeling awful.

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 28/10/2012 20:34

How about you leave and he carries on looking after the children?

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:35

I really don't want to start anything new with anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:35

As in I leave the children? Sad I'd rather stay unhappy tbh.

OP posts: