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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done a bad thing

162 replies

winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:05

I've namechanged. If you do recognise my posting style please do not out me as their are people that I know on here in RL.

My relationship with DH hasn't been happy for years. We no longer have anything in common and I haven't loved him in a long time.

Against all advice on here and from friends, I have stayed in the relationship because of the children and tbh, because it's easier.

I recently went on a rare night out and ended up kissing a friend.
I feel awful that I behaved in that way.
DH doesn't know and I don't know whether to tell him.

At the moment he's being fantastic by supporting me through my studies. But he deserves to be more than childcare. My children deserve more and I deserve more.

I'm being selfish.

OP posts:
NewNames · 28/10/2012 20:39

You will sort all of the logistics out - childcare etc - because you will have to.

No time like the present.

fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 20:39

Oh OP. Leaving your DH doesn't mean leaving your children. Plus you don't have to be leaving to be with someone else. It's better to go before you want to be with someone else.

I know how you're feeling by the way.

motherinferior · 28/10/2012 20:41

Agree with expat.

JustFabulous · 28/10/2012 20:42

I know it woudn't be easy leaving them but staying is making you all unhappy. You, your husband and your children as they will eventually work it out. If you are only there for child care then it isn't fair on your husband or your children.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:43

That's what I think I'm trying to say fluffy, I think I need to do something before I want to be with someone else ifswim?

Newnames- I just don't understand how you'd start that conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:45

Completely agree with you JustFabulous, and I would be saying exactly the same to any poster.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 28/10/2012 20:45

Forget the crap about how you've stayed for the sake of the dc; you've stayed because it was easier for you to do than move on.

You know it's improbable that your dc are unaware of the lack of love between their dps and you're best advised to do what is best for them rather than take the option of least effort for you.

If you fail to do the right thing by your h and your dc now, you risk having to do it the wrong way when you fall for an om as will inevitably happen now the floodgate has begun to leak water.

Autumnchill · 28/10/2012 20:47

I would suggest talking with your husband and telling him how you feel. Won't be an easy conversation but you need to have it

fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 20:47

It's a conversation that i had to start once. It was bloody awful, i wont lie. Having to end a marriage.

But trust me you really don't want to be having to admit feelings for someone else in the mix as well.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:48

I agree izzy.

OP posts:
NewNames · 28/10/2012 20:48

There's no good way to start the covo. It will be hard but you need to start somewhere.

I think I started as, "I'm not happy. We need to part and move on..."

Don't let it go on until you become so bitter about the situation you start being properly horrid to him.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:51

I am worried that I'm going to end up bitter.
I'm going to have to do it aren't I.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 20:57

Yes, and trust me on this, you'll know you've done the right thing almost straight away.

I feel terrible saying this - and haven't said it before to anyone - but within hours of the conversation with my ex i felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Even though there was still acres of crap to wade through, i knew i'd done the right thing by both of us.

I waited till we were alone in the house before i began. I prepared him by saying i needed to talk to him and it was going to be horrible, and i was sorry :(

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 21:10

Fluffy Sad. Did you have DC?

How long ago was it?

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 21:22

It feels like yesterday, but was 4 years ago. I should have done it before that.

Yes, DCs.

But the point is i can completely empathise with how you're feeling now. It's impossible to even begin to imagine making that huge leap into the unknown. It's scary i know. But life does go on! The sun still comes up and goes down and stuff does get sorted :)

My best advice is to prepare first. Prepare financially - make sure you have access to money. Prepare somewhere to go in case you have to leave the house for a few hours for things to settle. Tell a friend what you're going to do. Prepare by checking up on some basic legalities.

Lastly prepare for all the questions he will ask. Have some answers regarding how you envisage sharing of child care in the future. How you will share the home until things are settled. I made this mistake of dropping the bomb shell with no idea of what to do next.

Don't rush. But don't let this situation fester on and on either.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 21:29

The thing is.. I have no idea on any of it. I'm not sure where I'd start.

OP posts:
Berganza · 28/10/2012 21:47

Winnie, have you thought of couple therapy? It can help with clarifying where you are at and a better ending if that is what you decide to do

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 22:04

I'm not sure that we would be able to afford it.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 22:09

Would you want to go to therapy OP, if you could afford it. The answer is quite telling ...

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 22:12

No, I'm not sure that I would.
I just don't love him any more. All sorts of reasons over the years.
So I don't think it's fixable. I don't want it to be fixable.
I don't want to love him again and I don't want him to love me.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 22:14

Does he know, do you think?

Do you still have sex with him?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 28/10/2012 22:15

is this person you kissed male or female ?

not that it matters really, I am just curious

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 22:16

Yes I think he does and although he wouldn't admit it, I think he feels the same.

I do very occasionally but more to please him (see, I am a bitch). Luckily I have the excuse of regular UTI's.

OP posts:
Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 22:17

male

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 22:21

You think he feels the same?? Really? This would help ...

I don't think you're a bitch. We do what we have to do sometimes. The important thing is that you're looking at your situation now with a view to putting things in order.