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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done a bad thing

162 replies

winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:05

I've namechanged. If you do recognise my posting style please do not out me as their are people that I know on here in RL.

My relationship with DH hasn't been happy for years. We no longer have anything in common and I haven't loved him in a long time.

Against all advice on here and from friends, I have stayed in the relationship because of the children and tbh, because it's easier.

I recently went on a rare night out and ended up kissing a friend.
I feel awful that I behaved in that way.
DH doesn't know and I don't know whether to tell him.

At the moment he's being fantastic by supporting me through my studies. But he deserves to be more than childcare. My children deserve more and I deserve more.

I'm being selfish.

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 28/10/2012 22:21

ok

whethergirl · 28/10/2012 22:24

winnie, one of your worries seems to be about the childcare element. I just wanted to say, I am a lone parent and doing my degree and it works out fine, up to 80% of your childcare is paid for. You also have the added bonus of him still contributing to childcare. I know this isn't the main issue here, just wanted to point it out - you don't have to stay with him because you think there will be childcare issues.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 22:25

I do, theirs no love there.
He suffers from depression but won't do anything about it, he doesn't enjoy life. Not just me but all of it. And I'm about to make it worse Sad.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 28/10/2012 22:27

Ah, but you think you are going to make things worse. But how do you know he couldn't be happy if you split up? It must be a misery for both of you living in a loveless marriage.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/10/2012 22:27

If you'd rather have a UTI than sex with your husband, it doesn't sound terribly fixable, to be honest.

Hmm, the depression thing, I was going to ask if you'd ruled out depression in your own case but... living with someone who's got it and not interested in treating it can be a total pain in the butt.

whethergirl · 28/10/2012 22:29

Maybe part of his depression is caused by the fact that he is in a loveless realtionship? The reasons you've mentioned - it's easier, he is depressed, the kids, the childcare - are not the foundation of a relationship. You might still be together but you're not really in a relationship.

fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 22:30

You cant not leave because he suffers from depression. Staying out of sympathy is on a par with staying for convenience. IMO. To be blunt.

I worried about ending my marriage because, among other things, my DH had no friends and i thought he'd be broken forever. But he moved in with a new GF within 6 months, and is happily re-married now.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 22:30

No depression here. I've suffered in the past and work in mental health so try to be aware of my mental wellbeing. (completely outing myself)

True Majestic, I never thought of it like that.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesAutumn · 28/10/2012 22:43

You can do it; you need to do it, your children need you to do it and probably your DH needs you to do it.

It's hard, it's bloody hard - but it's better when you get out the otherside and as fluffy said, you will know you have done the right thing - the relief is immense.

I didn't have children, but as always, there were other factors to consider that made it hard to do it - there always are, but it was better once it was done. The months leading up to it were far worse.

The childcare & all of that will get sorted out, it always does.

Nobody said it was easy... but it will be worth it.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 22:44

Thankyou Chipping. I think you've given me lovely advice on other threads that I have started over the years.

OP posts:
HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 28/10/2012 22:52

winnie, I think I remember you

you are getting further and further away from your husband

I think you need to end it before you do something really silly that will put you in the wrong

end your marriage while you still have some dignity left

fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 22:58

Ending the marriage will be unpleasant at best. But i bet it wont be as bad as you think, from what you've said OP.

And there's no doubt at all that it wont be as bad as dragging along in this relationship feeling bad and guilty about everything every day and wishing it would all go away, is. That's drawn out misery for both of you.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 23:01

I worry that the children will hate me but know that they are already suffering.
DS1 has just been diagnosed with anxiety and I know that it is partly due to the relationship between DH and I.

OP posts:
Feckbox · 28/10/2012 23:03

OP, the kiss is a red herring really.

This is a very interesting thread because it is basically a variant on the " I don't love him, I don't hate him either. WE live life in a sort of low grade misery .SHould we split up? " theme.

I have taken part in many such threads and am still here Sad

the fear is that the solution will be worse than the problem. I wish I could be convinced otherwise

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 28/10/2012 23:05

oh winnie

how can you believe it best to stay with your H when one of your children is suffering as a direct result of that decision ?

never mind this "kiss"...stop beating yourself up about that

it's a complete side issue

please wake up and take action

this "inaction" is helping no-one

Feckbox · 28/10/2012 23:07

Because, Happy, she fears that splitting up will make her child worse

fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 23:10

If both of you handle it carefully the children will hate neither one of you OP. How old are they? I don't think you've said. Children accept simple truths - mummy and daddy both love you very much and will always, but we are going to live in separate houses. You will have two bedrooms! Two Christmas trees! That sort of thing (assuming they're not in their 20s Grin)

feckbox - please be convinced :( We only get one life.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 28/10/2012 23:10

a child diagnosed with anxiety is a serious wake-up call, IMO

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 28/10/2012 23:12

Winnie - you're welcome. Feel free to PM me with your other names if you want to, I wont 'out' you.

An anecdote - a friend of a friend (but I do know her quite well) was in a similar situation, except her kids are teenagers. She has been unhappy and unfulfilled in the relationship for a few years (like your DH, he wasn't happy but wouldn't admit it), and because it was hard/would change her lifestyle etc and because she didn't think her DH would cope with her leaving. She had an affair, she'd finished it with the other guy and then told her DH that she was leaving him. He asked if she had anyone else and she said 'No' but he guessed there was more to it, she ended up confessing about the affair - now her children hate her and blame her & it's sad because undoubtably she shouldn't have had the affair, but it wasn't what caused the relationship to break down - it was a symptom, not a cause, but of course her children don't see it like that :( Don't follow in her footsteps.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 23:12

12, 11 and 6.

Agree it's a serious wake up call and that doing nothing will make it worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 23:14

Thankyou Chipping. I don't want to be her Sad

OP posts:
AlreadyScone · 28/10/2012 23:17

Winnie - no judgement from me, but Chipping and Happy Halloween are wise. Feckbox is right to say that the effect of a split on the kids is a worry - but a life based on truth has got to be more comfortable (and beneficial to them) than one based on a polite non-existence.

If your child came to you in 20 years and told this story, what advice would you give them?

Athendof · 28/10/2012 23:18

Winnie, first rule for a successful life after divorce: Plan ahead.

Build your independendance first, find out what help or benefits would be available to you either to continue studying or work, find a job, find out how much money you need to keep a roof over your head, etc etc.

Once you are ready, you leave, but until then, don't put yourself in difficult situations. No need for a marriage ending talk out of the blue.

Athendof · 28/10/2012 23:19

At least not yet

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 23:20

Already- I'd tell them that their happiness is what matters most.

Athendof- Sounds sensible.

OP posts: