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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done a bad thing

162 replies

winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 20:05

I've namechanged. If you do recognise my posting style please do not out me as their are people that I know on here in RL.

My relationship with DH hasn't been happy for years. We no longer have anything in common and I haven't loved him in a long time.

Against all advice on here and from friends, I have stayed in the relationship because of the children and tbh, because it's easier.

I recently went on a rare night out and ended up kissing a friend.
I feel awful that I behaved in that way.
DH doesn't know and I don't know whether to tell him.

At the moment he's being fantastic by supporting me through my studies. But he deserves to be more than childcare. My children deserve more and I deserve more.

I'm being selfish.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 23:20

Mine were 9, 12 and 14 Winnie.

They took it very well. I spoke to each of them in a way relevant to their age. Their primary concern was how much their own lives would change. School, friends, hobbies etc.

I would have liked my X and i to have talked to them together but he wouldn't :( To this day i'm not sure what he said to them. I haven't asked becasue i never wanted them to feel 'in the middle'.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 23:22

fluffy- you sound so 'sorted'. I'm not sure that I can do that.

OP posts:
Feckbox · 28/10/2012 23:24

thanks Fluffy Wink but the thing is, you can't ever be sure that once you go through the split, it will definitely be better at the other end.

you just can't possibly know in advance of actually going through with it.

IT is very encouraging to read the many true life examples on here of people who finally made the break and are so glad they did. But there is always a real fear ( and I am sure the OP gets what I am saying ) that for you personally it will be a mistake.

Also , most bad relationships have glimpses of goodness and even long stretches of of okayness and sometimes you question your self and whether it's YOUR OWN attitude to the relationship that makes it crap

fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 23:25

Dear God i'm the least sorted woman you can imagine! Grin Really.

I'm much much better at giving advice than taking it.

You can do this. (hug)

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 28/10/2012 23:25

winnie, I think bottom line : if you are going to end your marriage, do it with dignity

snogging mates is not the way

if you think there is no hope for your marriage, cut the risky behaviour and take mature steps to get there, without sacrificing your own moral high ground and the respect of everyone around you

Feckbox · 28/10/2012 23:26

fluffy, was there anything in particular that came as the breaking point for you and you knew you just had to split up?

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 23:29

feck- understand completely.

Fluffy- Smile you do a good job of sounding it then!

Happy- Thankyou, all true.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 23:30

I know there's no guarantee. All i can say is - i've never known anyone who was unhappy in their marriage to regret it and say they're unhappier still after the split.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 23:31

haha! true. You don't hear people saying that they wish they had stayed unhappy, but lots saying that they wish they hadn't.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 23:33

Yes, feck. I'll be honest.

I am genuinely ashamed to say that i left it too long. I ended up developing very strong feelings for an OM. I had been dithering for about 3 years before that.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 28/10/2012 23:37

Thankyou everyone.
I need to go to bed, I'm shattered. Plus DH will be home soonish.
Thankyou.

OP posts:
FreckledLeopard · 28/10/2012 23:38

I separated from H in April, he moved out in August and I'm off to a new city and a new job tomorrow (can't move for boxes and can't pack any more today!). For me, the worst part of it all was making the decision to end the marriage. Yes, the breaking up was awful, the arguments over money etc, but now, having come out the other side, the massive relief of not being in an unhappy relationship is wonderful.

I remember, when we were still together, that most nights I would sleep grinding my jaw and teeth through stress. Since he's gone, my jaw is relaxed and I don't have that sense of anxiety looming as I get to the front door.

At the time, splitting up seemed so so ghastly and insurmountable, but actually, things are so much better now. Once you make that decision and start the ball rolling, things get so much better.

Feckbox · 28/10/2012 23:38

thanks for your honesty fluffy.
I am trying to think of examples of people who felt even worse after the split. I'm not sure I know any, so that's a good point .

But you do hear of adult children saying they were totally screwed up by their parents' divorce. Just as you hear others say they wish their parents HAD got divorced Confused

you can totally see how one can feel "stuck " for a very long time,

Feckbox · 28/10/2012 23:39

Thanks for that Freckled. What was the final straw for you?

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 28/10/2012 23:40

Feckbox - you sound just like my RL friend(s), they've been unhappy for 7 years (but as you say, with long patches of 'it's ok/good', but they are getting fewer and further between them) but she is scared she'll be even more unhappy if she leaves :( He's a lovely Dad (grown kids) and in many ways a good husband, he just doesn't want what she wants and isn't happy for her to do stuff without him etc it's sad, but I just think that she's not happy as they are and it's not going to get any better, at least if she leaves him there's a chance she could be happy again... and it's highly unlikely she'll be any unhappier... I love them both, it's hard.

Why is life so bloody hard?

Headiteddie · 28/10/2012 23:42

Am not very wise about anything really but can I share the experience of a friend? She was persuaded by her H to stay in a marriage she no longer wanted to be in. She did so for the sake of their son, and because she felt guilty about leaving her H who was essentially a good man. She became so closed down and miserable it was almost tangible. She began taking anti depressants because she said thet helped her to feel nothing at all as opposed to the misery of her life. Sadly we have lost touch now, but I cant envisage her life being any happier now. Why would it be? And her poor son living with two parents who were together just because of him, that must have been a burden for him on some level, even if it was just an awareness of their unhappiness....

My DH said that the reason he left his first marriage was because he wanted to give both himself and his then wife (a person he once loved) a chance to be happy again. And there was no chance of that whilst they were married to each other.

I hope you can find the courage, energy, whatever, to take the steps you need to find your own peace.

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 28/10/2012 23:43

it's very anecdotal on my part, but I wish my own parents had split instead of subjecting me to my own childhood

I say that to my mother now (she is still with my father, he was a poor husband and father) and she has no good answer for me

so I can only conclude she put her relationship with my father before her own happiness and that of her dc

I don't respect her very much, needless to say

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 28/10/2012 23:45

oh yes, my mother was medicated all through her marriage, and developed a dependence on the drugs

she took them to numb staying with him

fgs

fluffyraggies · 28/10/2012 23:46

Oh goodness yes, i can see that. In all honesty i was 'stuck' for the whole bloomin 15 years not just 3. The last 3 was me trying to pluck the courage up to do something about it. I feel awful about it all.

I think the screwed up by divorce comes from how it's handled though, don't you? Not the divorce itself.

FreckledLeopard · 28/10/2012 23:47

Essentially we'd had a number of issues that couldn't be resolved, had tried counselling, nothing changed. Final straw for me was a holiday we had together which made me realise we wanted different things in life and that whatever he'd said previously would never come to fruition and that he'd never change. As I knew that I was essentially flogging a dead horse for want of a better expression.

And the one thing that struck me too, was the loneliness I felt during the marriage was so much worse than any loneliness I'd experienced as a single parent before I met him.

I think it probably helped that I had been a lone parent with DD before I met him and thus knew I was capable and able to manage without him. And life is, in so many ways, far far easier and straightforward without him.

Feckbox · 28/10/2012 23:59

chippingin, yes it does sound very similar.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 29/10/2012 00:10

Freckled - I agree that when you have lived on your own as an adult & you know you can do it, it gives you a bit more strength to go through with it. My friend I mentioned above went from living with her parents to being married (at 18) and they've been married 30 odd years - she hasn't had any experience of living or being on her own whatsoever - it's no wonder she's terrified :(

Original poster
winnietheplop · 29/10/2012 10:24

wow- lots of replies.
I'm on my way out in a bit but look forward to reading later.
I'm feeling a little less emotional today and almost stronger iyswim. I did a bad thing but maybe it's my wake up call that things need to change.

OP posts:
AlreadyScone · 29/10/2012 11:02

That's the spirit Winnie. Yes, you know it was a mistake, but no-one can accuse you of being irresponsible in your response to it. Go easy on yourself.

Original poster
winnietheplop · 29/10/2012 13:19

FreckledLeopard- so in your case, it was defiantly the right decision? we've had the whole spoilt holidays thing, days out being noticeably more relaxed without him etc..

my parents split when i was 13 and i wish they had done it sooner.

had to go to GP this morning- turns out my eczema is related to stress. so he has depression, ds has anxiety and now I'm itchy. all because i need to sort it out.

OP posts: