I've done a bad thing

[winnietheplop]

I've namechanged. If you do recognise my posting style please do not out me as their are people that I know on here in RL.

My relationship with DH hasn't been happy for years. We no longer have anything in common and I haven't loved him in a long time.

Against all advice on here and from friends, I have stayed in the relationship because of the children and tbh, because it's easier.

I recently went on a rare night out and ended up kissing a friend.
I feel awful that I behaved in that way.
DH doesn't know and I don't know whether to tell him.

At the moment he's being fantastic by supporting me through my studies. But he deserves to be more than childcare. My children deserve more and I deserve more.

I'm being selfish.

Rightly or wrongly, I've told a RL friend. I wasn't planning too but burst into tears when she asked if I'd had a good night.
She was very sweet and understanding. Although I had to explain that the tears weren't so much regret, more the fact that I knew I had to sort my life out.

That's a good start, when you talk to people IRL... mind you (this was before Mumsnet!!) I bent my friends ears off backwards twatting about for a long time before I got the nerve up to actually fecking DO IT. It was awful beyond belief - but - the years months beforehand were much worse. Much much worse. It's been a long time coming, it's now physically manifesting itself in all of you, I honestly don't see you have a choice and really, it has to be better than this :( x

I don't have a choice.
I've got the number for the CAB for near where I study and I'm planning on phoning them tomorrow or Wednesday to make an appointment.

some positive steps here

perhaps this silly kiss will galvanise you into changing your life for the better

If you told him you want to seperate, would you tell him about the kiss?
And/or
You could tell him you are thinking about seperating, and want to go away for a few days to think it over.

not sure amillion. Why and What do you suggest? I kind of think I would because it's what made me wake up, but I'm not sure.

The suggestion of going away sounds sensible. Would I take the DC?

I think you are as near to an affair as is possible to get.
Not that you would do it necessarily,but your heart is not very much with your DH currently.
So, imo something has to change.
I dont know you,so I really dont know what would happen if you told your DH about the kiss.
I find in life, that if you change one thing,often other things change,either for better or worse.

It may be better not to take the DC. You would be able to think clearer while away,and from your DHs point of view,a. he would still have the DCs as a bit of comfort b.it wouldnt look like you were being mean to him and c.from his point of view it would cushion the blow a bit.

Thank you amillion- good advice.

Don't tell your H about the kiss

It will just put you in a bad position and won't help with anything at all

Learn what you need from your own behaviour, and keep your own counsel

You may need to stay level...and disclosing snogging someone else is just going to make it more dramallama than it already is. It was just a kiss, after all, but obviously it means more to you than just that.

Thankyou Happy.

Don't tell him about the kiss.

Marking my place as there is some great advice here.

Married to a 'nice' man that I love, but not 'in love' with him and can't bear the idea of another 20, 30, 40 years of lonliness and drudgery - There just has to be more to life than this....

Exactly MrsBonkers!
Working up the courage to phone CAB.

You can do it. Thinking of you

I can't do it- the numbers won't work! One was answered, gave him my details but it wasn't citizens advice .
Oh well, I'll try another and hope to get the number.

according to the national number- there's no one available to take my call at any CAB . twats.

Keep trying winnie. Difficulty getting through is no reason to give up at the 1st hurdle.

I spoke to someone. He was rubbish and unhelpful but he's going to make an appointment for me with a local CAB.

My friend has been great. She said that she thought this would happen eventually.

How do you feel now you've accepted this situation is a reality winnie? I hope you're ok.

I think you're doing very well. It's a brave thing to do this.

can't stop sobbing, so not doing that great!

DH will be home soon so get to sort it out.

but yes, feel it's becoming a reality. Might be more real when I have the actual CAB appointment.

Just some practical help OP, but if you are not having any luck with CAB and live in or near a major town or city there will be other independent advice centres that you can get an appointment with, Advice UK has an Internet site, (sorry, can't link at the moment), and will have a list of reputable advice centres in your area.

Good luck, you are not alone feeling as you are, I know you pain

"your pain"

cannotseeaway- thankyou. I'll look into that.

Just calling in to wish you luck OP.
I'm sure you're doing the right thing. It's got to be better leaving the marriage now because it's not working, rather than waiting until it's not working and you've had an affair.