A male thread I'm afraid

[mrguavafish]

Hello - a bit of relationship advice is what I'm after.

I am 33 years old, been married for 8 years - two children (sons) - can't get into that ds thing sorry (which seems to be code for sons I've worked out) - but my marriage is in trouble.

My wife is quick to anger and slow to forgive, getting annoyed for what I perceive as small reasons and then stays silent for weeks on end. I am into another cycle of this silent treatment now (week 5) and I think I've had enough. She doesn't speak to me during these periods, doesn't answer my calls or texts and when I am at home will pass messages to me through the children - 'tell your father this' e.t.c. The cause of this most recent flareup seems to be money issues - she keeps on parking in a private car parking area and gets fined £130 each time. I only mentioned it, I didn't even get angry - I don't tend to anyway.

I am at my wits end as to how to end these episodes. I even went away to climb Kilimanjaro in the intervening time (a trip booked long in advance) and I both went away, sent messages from abroad, and returned without her responding to my efforts to communicate. My approaches are friendly.

For the first time I am beginning to feel that there is no hope for the relationship, as these episodes are increasing in length each time. Do any of you have any advice?

But you keep going on about how he should just leave if he's 'not happy' when, in actual fact, he should leave because he's married to an abuser.

I was abused myself. Verbally, emotionally, physically, financially. The OP hasn't given me enough details for me to feel comfortable sympathising with him. That's not the same as accusing him of lying. I just, on this occasion, am not going to dig support out of the bag for this particular poster. Different posts/posters speak to different people and I have not been UNsupportive or unkind to him. When you feel tied to a relationship, being reminded that you do have the right to leave IS useful advice. I know that. I would have valued that reminder. There doesn't need to be a reason that is acceptable to anybody else. YOu don't have to justify it to anybody else.

I thought my post in the middle of it all might be some insight. He can either dismiss it as relevant or not relevant.

You were abused yourself yet you're choosing not to support another victim here. Why?

You say you are not unsupportive yet your posts seem to defend his wife's actions. You are awaiting more information so you can feel comfortable supporting him. Why? Genuinely confused!

OP, you might find some useful advice and emotional support from this service (as I have myself in the past). They will listen and will not push you into taking a course of action with which you are uncomfortable.

waltermittymissus

You are awaiting more information so you can feel comfortable supporting him. Why? Genuinely confused!

I suspect from the tone of L01S 's posts, including I was abused myself. Verbally, emotionally, physically, financially. The OP hasn't given me enough details for me to feel comfortable sympathising with him. she wants to get into some sort of competition...

Hey L01S, I was abused; verbally, emotionally, financially. I sympathise with the OP. So do a number of the other posters.

Thanks for giving him permission to dismiss your post as relevant or not relevant. OP, you can do the same for any posts here...

What!? I'm not having a go at the oP. I'm coming back at the posts attacking me! my first post was just to give the OP some insight into the possible reason for 'communicating' via a silence. Which might or might not have been useful to him. He's gone I think. I'm not getting into a barney with other posters because I'm not being suportive.... I said to him to get out of an unhappy marriage. The people who advise counselling counselling counselling annoy me but I'm not going to scroll back through the posts and tell people off for their posts. I never said I didn't sympathise with the OP. I've been sidetracked somehow defending myself.

waltermitty I never said I didn't feel sorry for the OP. Just because I didn't say 'have counselling have counselling' like a doll with a string in its back posters are labelling me unsupportive to somebody who is unhappy??? Wow.

I know from being in an unhappy relationship that to have somebody remind you that you ARE entitled to leave if you want to, that is valuable. More people should say it. All the posts saying [pulls string] have counselling have counselling have counselling must really add to the pressure to make a failed relationship come back to life, and I pity the OP. Don't feel obliged to have counselling. Leave if you want to.

Well you did say The OP hasn't given me enough details for me to feel comfortable sympathising with him.

That doesn't seem terribly sympathetic to me. And if you read my posts you'll see I've asked him not to go to counselling.

Why are you being so offensive to other posters?

And why do you keep saying that you gave your ex the silent treatment because HE was the abuser? How is that remotely supportive/sympathetic to this poster?

Walter, fgs, I'm not on trial here. I've done nothing wrong and I don't have to explain myself to you. I'm not being offensive. I am being DEfensive because you are picking on me because I didn't give the exact same post everybody else did. Unlike you I was talking generally when I said that the mumsnet advice is usually counselling. Unlike you I wasn't being specific, picking a hole in any one poster's post.

Not every post reels me in if that's the right word. It would be impossible to be invested into every single post. The OP has gone. If my original post annoyed you somehow, feel free to counter it with lots of advice of your own. Stop giving out to me. It's really tedious and inappropriate and not helpful to the OP if he comes back either. I gave him some good advice. Feel free to do the same. Otherwise rein yourself in there have a nice day.

and as for the last sentence of your post, I NEVER said that. You are attributing things to me that I didn't say. I NEVER said that. What on earth is the matter with you

I have just come back to this and spent a long time reading through all the responses. Thank you all for your contributions! I'll try and answer a few questions that have come up:

I don't really consider myself to have proper ocd but I do have this odd thing of checking the door is locked twice, even when I know it is locked as I have done it myself. This in itself has been the cause of a bad episode as we were going off on holiday once.

I came here wanting to know if there was anything I could do to fix this and have been told in no uncertain terms that it is not normal at all and borders on abuse. I have to confess I hadn't thought of it in these terms until so many people pointed it out on here. Thank you for all the links!

I don't think she's mentally unwell as she's perfectly charming and happy to others during these episodes, just not to me. When others come to the house I find if I attempt conversation with her she will respond pleasantly but revert to silence when they are gone, or even if they leave the room temporarily. I never say anything bad to her during these times. When she comes out of this episode I will attempt a serious chat to her about the whole situation. I have also been looking up divorce proceedings so perhaps my knowledge of these will make her take me seriously this time

Oh get over yourself! If you start victim blaming on an abuse thread you're going to get shit for it.

Picking on you? Grow up!

You gave NO advise apart from "leave if you're not happy. But I sulked with my ex because HE was an abuser".

I believe that being abusive (whatever form) to one person (whilst being charming and happy to others) can be a coping mechanism. Like a valve. It's not the action of somebody who's falling apart. It's quite controlled.

You don't have to 'fix' the relationship. Personally I think that once you've tolerated such a lack of respect for so long, you can't win it back. You may deserve respect but you won't get it from an abuser if you've put up with their abuse in the past.

@ mrguavafish, ignore that poster. I am not blaming you. I offered up my post about my own experiences sulking as it was a different angle which might or might not have been useful to you. You (not waltermitty) were intended to be the judge of that. GOod luck.

I'm really glad to hear you're finding your thread useful OP.

The more you say about her treatment of you the worse it sounds! You poor thing. I really hope that whichever way this works out, you don't experience this from her again. It sounds like such calculated nastiness from her. I couldn't do that to a person i loved.

I hope you can tell yourself this is the last one of her episodes you're ever putting up with.

Use your thread to chat more about this if you wish. Don't feel you can only post when you've 'done something about it' now. It can take time to use good advice, i know. It's easy to feel under pressure to either come up with evidence of how you got on with the advice or disappear. I know i've been there!

Stay with us :)

Mrguava - threads on MN can be somewhat of a trial by fire. I think you can get useful support and advice when things calm down, people generally do want to help which is the whole reason for the arguing normally, it is kind of just MN's way but whilst it can be intimidating it is also really good because you know people will really challenge you when needed and they won't pussyfoot around telling you something a bit off the wall or difficult which can be really useful.

As far as illness goes well it might be a reason to provoke abusive behaviour but that doesn't mean the behaviour can be forgiven or moved past so use caution there. I know my abusive ex is mentally ill but it isn't particularly related to the abuse and it is an easy thing to blame.

(Just in case you WERE worrying about the argument)

mrguavafish from what you say your wife doesn't sound mentally ill otherwise her silent treatment would extend to other people too, wouldn't it? To me, singling you out for this sounds very focused and determined behviour on her part to, and in my eyes makes her behaviour even more abusive because she is well aware of what she is doing, and the punishing effect of it, yet she carries on regardless of your feelings, or your chidrens' feelings or needs. Sorry.

Offred, It's been a while since I've been sucked into defending myself like that. should resist I know as it takes away from the issue being discussed.

OP, I agree, you don't have to wait til you've done something to report back.

Ha! I read through some other threads before posting myself so I had a flavour of how it all went so don't worry I was not unduly concerned! All you posters have useful points and Lois is perhaps right that the respect won't come back no matter what I do. I am still getting my head around the whole 'abuse' thing but I am grateful for all the supportive comments. I might very well direct my wife's attention to this thread actually. I shall take another look at it tomorrow and again I am truly grateful for all your kind attention!

I wouldn't direct your wife to this thread. She'll be angry that you've discussed her, she'll see it as a betrayal.

Keep your altered perspective to yourself for now. There's nothing to be gained from showing her this thread. It might seem like a nah nah nah nah nah, look other people are on my side, other people think I'm right and you're wrong. We aren't in your marriage. Really, the only thing that you need to take from this thread is a new AWARENESS.

mrguavafish I am glad that you are finding this helpful. MN has been my saviour many a time. I agree with everyone else who has said that this silent treatment is abusive. I am a bit concerned that as soon as your wife comes out of this episode, and you confront her about her behaviour, she will punish you by going silent again. Could you email her or text her if it is too difficult to talk to her?

OP - sounds like depression to me. Go to mydepressedpartner.com
My DP is a sulker, gets unreasonably annoyed for little reason, workaholic and after a prolonged odd spell starting with a house move and pregnancy my DP has moved out. It is awful as when he is normal he is just lovely. People who suffer from depression often take it out on those they love the most. It is an illness and she may benefit from medical help.
The silent treatment is a way of dumping all the bad feelings on you so she can carry on with normal life.
Wait 'til she's in a good spell and suggest counselling again - word it carefully though as she won't go if you just say it's all about her behaviour.

I'll second that. This is your space OP.

By all means do a bit of googling about abuse in the form that you are experiencing it, and show her that, i can see why you want to show her something in black and white completely. It is a back up for you.

But i would keep this thread for you. You can say things here that you may not want her to see. Not because they're not true, but just because. Once you've shown it to her you will always feel guarded about what you say here, which would be a shame.