A male thread I'm afraid

[mrguavafish]

Hello - a bit of relationship advice is what I'm after.

I am 33 years old, been married for 8 years - two children (sons) - can't get into that ds thing sorry (which seems to be code for sons I've worked out) - but my marriage is in trouble.

My wife is quick to anger and slow to forgive, getting annoyed for what I perceive as small reasons and then stays silent for weeks on end. I am into another cycle of this silent treatment now (week 5) and I think I've had enough. She doesn't speak to me during these periods, doesn't answer my calls or texts and when I am at home will pass messages to me through the children - 'tell your father this' e.t.c. The cause of this most recent flareup seems to be money issues - she keeps on parking in a private car parking area and gets fined £130 each time. I only mentioned it, I didn't even get angry - I don't tend to anyway.

I am at my wits end as to how to end these episodes. I even went away to climb Kilimanjaro in the intervening time (a trip booked long in advance) and I both went away, sent messages from abroad, and returned without her responding to my efforts to communicate. My approaches are friendly.

For the first time I am beginning to feel that there is no hope for the relationship, as these episodes are increasing in length each time. Do any of you have any advice?

My ex used to give me the silent treatment, i found it unbearable even though mine only lasted days.

Its not healthy, and is not something that someone who loves,cares and respects you would do.

I would leave to be honest. Start a new life where you don't have to worry about someone ignoring because of the slightest thing.

I don't understand how you have put up with this so long
You need to have a proper talk with her, tell her how you feel and how her behaviour is affecting you.
Lets hope she listens and responds, i'm guessing if not it might be best to part ways for all your sakes as this isn't a healthy relationship to be in and isn't good for the children.
They must feel awful stuck inbetween you both having to put questions back and forth and get answers etc.
Poor you, poor kids

Nobody here is in a position to say whether or not you ought to divorce - that is for you to work out.
Just don't be under any illusion that this is not affecting your boys - they might by young, but what they are experiencing is shaping their understanding of adult relationships. It is not healthy for young children to be the go-between between their warring parents - and warring you are, even if there is no shouting and plate throwing. Prolonged icy silence is far more pernicious and damaging.
It is also v telling that you found the time she was away 'relaxing', I read this as 'no walking on egg-shells for fear of saying the 'wrong' thing' - that is no way for an adult to feel in a mutually supportive relationship, ergo this is NOT a supportive relationship.

I agree with those who have said she sounds emotionally abusive - the Silent Treatment is emotional manipulation and passive aggression at their best/worst.

Then again, we are of course only getting your side of the story , but whatever else there might or might not be to this, if you and your DW don't find a way to communicate with each other, then your marriage is already over, sorry.

Thanks for the advice. It all seems unequivocal really. I will try and speak to her sensibly once she comes round again next instead of just ignoring the issue and if it sparks another immediate episode I'll look up in more detail the legal side of things.

Personally I recommend standing up for yourself and telling her sulking is unreasonable. She is going to sulk anyway but I feel you need some backbone here. passing notes through the children is an awful awful thing to do.

Hope she starts speaking to you soon

My husband sometimes gives me silent treatment, it only lasts a couple of days though.

My DH is very sensitive, and also a worrier. I tend to do things wrong (usually related to lack of house work or being unwise with money or saying the wrong thing to his friends/ and or family), which I think is no big deal, but he thinks is an enormous deal. We then can't relate to each other, as I'm shrugging my shoulders over what I've done wrong, and he's beside himself.

Is your wife silent, as she can't articulate how she feels? Weeks must be unbearable.

I don' think there is any point in waiting 'until she comes round'. You put a foot wrong and she'll get set off again.

She might not be talking, but presumably there is nothing wrong with her ears.

Just say what needs to be said. Tell her to get a fucking grip and tell you what is bothering her, and that you will not tolerate her behaviour any further.

You're into week 5 of the silent treatment? I wouldn't be waiting for her to 'come out of it' before you say anything, I'd be tackling it NOW.

I HATE sulkers. Call her bluff. Tell her you're not prepared to carry on like this and you're considering seeing a solicitor tomorrow. My guess is she'll shit herself and start talking again... Then you take it from there.

Don't wait!!- you need to speak to her now. 5 weeks of silence is long enough

Please believe me I am not telling you what to do. I was married to a man who sounds very much like your wife. I tried to change him for 21 years and it never happened. Enough to say, I got out of the marriage and started a new life. I have no regrets and it was 11 years ago when I left. It was really hard being on my own at first as I had no real friends but I soon found some. I am now married to an amazing man who could not be more opposite to DH1.

You dont have to put up with this kind of thing, really you dont. IMO opinion you need to do something for the sake of your boys. You really dont want them to grow up thinking that this is the way to resolve conflict.

Good luck and I wish you well.

Good God i couldn't put up with this either!

Don't wait OP. Talk now. It's so controlling and immature to 'give the silent treatment'. Silly, silly behaviour. I agree get out of earshot of the kids first.

Good luck with this, you sound rational and reasonable - she sounds like hard work.

You have to talk to her about this. 5 weeks of silent treatment is ridiculous!

Please let us know how you get on.

It's a bit difficult talking to her when she's in this kind of mood as it would be quite one sided a conversation. Sometimes she moves rooms when I enter but perhaps saying something horribly negative like 'I'm off to see a lawyer' might at least get her to speak. I've tried (not today - the past week or so) 'this relationship can't go on like this' and 'we need to talk, seriously talk', but she's not been keen on talking still. I will look into the other discussion here on divorce to find out some of the technicalities - perhaps if she sees that I have some knowledge of the process she might think I'm serious and start talking again. It's a big bluff to play though as mentally I am not sure I'm ready to go down that route yet.

So she comes out of her sulks with you because she's in a sulk with someone else and wants to complain about that?

OP, this is a very unhealthy relationship. She sounds awful. Even when she's nice to you, you must feel like you're walking on eggshells because anything could tip her over the edge into a several-week sulk.

What's interesting is that she sulks when she is clearly in the wrong. She hasn't got a leg to stand on re the parking fees - anyone could do that once but after that, they're plain stupid if they do it again. So she sees your reasonable annoyance with her as cause to sulk? She sounds very immature.

If you do leave, you should be looking at 50:50 custody with a view to increasing it if she turns on the children.

My mum used to do this for 1-2 days and it has had a lasting effect on me as an adult. I can't imagine what 5 weeks would do to a child.

As a family we learnt to work around my mum and we knew it would be short. Equally my parents both knew they loved each other - I think them staying together was right but I sooo wish my dad had told my mum her behaviour was unacceptable 30 years ago.

But 5 weeks? What does she think life is like for you? Why does she think you would want to stay with her? Has she thought about the kids at all?

Sadly I think you are right - you need to address this with her next time she settles. Yes, it likely will precipitate another sulk but if she quickly starts trying to engage with you, great. If you just get another 5 week sulk or it's brushed under the carpet, do you really think you and the kids can live like this for the rest of your lives? It won't hurt for you to see a solicitor now to know where you stand.

My Dad was like this with my mum. He's been dead a long time now but we (my mum and us children) all still remember those long sulks. I think they usually lasted about 7 to 10 days which was more than long enough.

As we (the children) grew up, we were included in the silences, with only the youngest in the family slightly exempt (we knew things were thawing when the day came that Dad would allow the youngest to sit with him and watch TV). Dad never told us or Mum what had sparked it either (we were too afraid to ask in case he started it again). I think i did ask once or twice when I was in my late teens but Dad just brushed my question aside.

Looking back, the most accurate way to describe Dad was STUBBORN. Is this what your wife is like too?

I think dad just felt unhappy, that life was either boring or he felt cut off from his friends and family (by distance). Whatever it was, he clearly resented my mum. She endured it with lots of tears and we children thought it weird and very uncomfortable. It didn't hurt us per se, it was just very unpleasant but looking back, Dad must have been in a lot of pain to behave in that way.

That was the 70s and the 80s when divorce wasn't really so normal as it is today. Maybe if it was happening today, Mum would leave and things would be different. It would be interesting to be able to turn the clock back and find out if divorce would have been the answer.

I still love my dad.

All I can tell you, speaking as a child in this sort of environment, its not the worst thing that could happen, but it obviously isn't the best either.

mentally I am not sure I'm ready to go down that route yet.

Of course. It's understandable OP. It's a massive jump from admitting your relationship is in trouble to talking about divorce.

However - it will strengthen you mentally, i feel, to accept that it's a possibility for you. I mean to say that when you start to think about the fact that you can walk away, and will if pushed, it gives another dimension to your words and actions. Does that make sense?

You don't have to stay in this relationship - she needs to realise this perhaps. She seems to be behaving as if she either doesn't realise this or doesn't care. When you say to her - 'i wont accept this behaviour from you' you need to mean it. Looking into the practicalities of divorce will help you mean it.

I'd be tempted to go with it, if I were you. As I reached my 20s, I used to take the view that if Dad was going to play that stupid game, then I'd use to my advantage. So if it was my turn to make dinner I used to say "hope everyone is ok with lasagne for dinner tonight" and then we'd all get a dish rest of us liked, but he didn't (because he was too busy cutting off his nose to spite his face!).

I can't add any more, the advice you've been given has been great, but would just like to add that I think you have the patience of a saint.

Thank you all for such wonderful advice so quickly delivered! This was my first ever posting here (in fact I registered specifically to post it) and you have all been very quick to help and full of advice - advice which is reassuringly similar and in step with itself. Thank you!

Don't put up with this treatment. It's horrible for you and hearbreakingly difficult for your sons,

Another person speaking from experience. My ex used to behave like this; angry silence for days, even weeks, no explanation other than cryptic statements like 'you know what you've done' (I didn't ever know), and I stayed married for nearly 20 years. His behaviour got worse, not better, the longer we were married; he wasn't like this at first - or we'd have never married at all! - but he just seemed to be a seething ball of anger and resentment at times, and always found an excuse to take this out on me by giving me the silent treatment. Refused to go to any counselling too: why would he? In his eyes I deserved everything I got, including all the horrible silence.

I grew to really hate it! Even blamed myself in the end for being unworthy to be treated well. Dreadful, just dreadful. I was too scared and unhappy to leave until....

....I finally left 9 years ago; 3 young children, not even a job! His ever present silent treatment anger was now directed towards me in full force. He didn't give a fig about the kids. He tried (and nearly succeeded) to make us all homeless during the (3 year long) divorce; fought me all the way over financial matters (gave me full residency within a month); used (still uses) the three kids as go betweens: but I found a job, a house, a fantastic husband, and, apart from the problems exH caused the kids, they're ok too.

I can't express how happy I have been since I no longer have to live with my ex!

This sort of appalling hostile silence is simply awful to live with; it's immature, controlling, depressing, degrading and dispiriting for everyone on the receiving end of it.

Sorry if I've gone on too long; I just want you to know that you don't have to live with this, and there is life after divorce, if things get that far.

It's abuse OP. Agony for you. someone said upthread that your wife must be unhappy in the relationship - I doubt it if she can hold you by the throat for this long.

I would recommend counselling before you go to a lawyer. Get your head straight about what's going on, what she's doing and how you respond. It's age-old abuse, nothing new, same old same old tactics; same response. Posters are wondering why you put up with it for so long but it's not as easy as that - people who do this get you so cowed you can't think straight.

I would definitely recommend you leave the relationship while this level of abuse is going on (and established by the sound of it) - not just for you but the kids too. HOwever, the shit will very probably hit the fan big time so you do need to be shored up with emotional and practical support ie a counsellor.

Good luck. What torture for you - 5 weeks !!

Actually, sorry, thinking about it some more: if she's using the kids to perpetrate the abuse ('tell your father...') then it is likely she will use the kids if you separate. All the more reason to get shored up well in advance so you are ready. You could try calling womens aid 0808 2000 247 (who also support men who are being abused - you don't have to be hit to be a victim of domestic abuse btw) and talk through with them what your options are.

One last thing: how do you conduct the relationship? you say you have mild OCD.... tell us more. Honestly.