Caught wife in the act with another man

[Caughtwifewithanotherman]

I can't quite believe I'm on here posting, but I stumbled across this site this morning whilst trying to make sense of the worst night of my life last night. I'm not sure I'm "allowed" to post on here as a bloke, but I'm hoping for some advice as I don't know what to do and am feeling devastated.

I discovered my wife straddled on top of another man (that she works with) in our car after a night out that they'd been on (they'd been to an evening function with other people as well and were both drunk). I had been working away for the day and had arranged to meet her and arrived early (it was actually 11pm - the car was on a deserted car park).

They hadn't had sex, but had done pretty much everything else and I can't get the image out of my head of opening the car door and finding them there on the passenger seat (her straddling him, bra undone, him with hand between her legs ...).

We've been together 12 years, married for 8 and 30's. She is the love of my life and I'm totally gutted. Our marriage has been going through a difficuly period for a few months now as we both feel as though we've drifted apart and not sure what we want from life - partly attributed to a feeling of marrying "too young". We are both "nice / normal" people who rarely argue and this is so out of character it's unbelievable.

I'm not sure I can forgive her as the pain is so intense. I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad if she'd told me about it as opposed to me discovering it.

We have talked and cried for hours and she has said it meant nothing and she saw it as more of a "shock factor" type moment and in a perverse kind of way she is glad I've found out as it might revive and save our marriage.

To make things worse I've been suspicious about my wife and this "colleague" for several months now - lots of time spent away working, hundreds of texts (I've now seen them and it is obvious that despite some flirty banter, this was the first time it was acted upon).

I think we both want to make a go of it but my wife (based upon the unhappy period of a few months before last night) doesnt seem so certain, although she is desperate for us to "try". I've told her all contact with this guy will need to cease (Facebook, twitter, texts, emails etc), although I recognise their paths may cross due to their line of work. When I talked about deleting him from twitter etc she didnt seem convinced - she knows she's made a huge mistake and doesnt seem to realise what impact it would have on me if they remained FB friends etc.

I'm in the depths of despair - please help. I also forgot to mention we have a 5 year old daughter - how could she.

I didn't think you were the same person. I just hate the way some people get really sarcastic and start on their own little campaign of, well, having a go at everyone. (or just women...or whatever)

anything that involves third parties being required to come onto the thread as 'proof' or backup is generally an instant turn off.

OP if you do nothing else, please don't listen to the poster who I'm not allowed to call a wanker but who I think is a wanker nonetheless.

And, like I said upthread, PLEASE don't do anything you don't want to do for YOU. Your dd is not a reason to stay, she will be happier with happy parents and you're entitled to a relationship with someone who has respect for you.

Her behaviour after being discovered doesn't bode well.

Poor you - nothing else to add that hasn't already been written but just wanted to commiserate with you. Unfortunately, whether you found out by witnessing this or by being told, horrible images etch themselves on our mind and it takes a lot of time to get over them. Hope it all works out but you seem a genuine guy and maybe you need to consider whether you deserve better than this.

offred, if you choose not to believe me that's your prerogative. I really am not going to waste my time proving anything to you, but please feel free to contact MNHQ and do it yourself. I merely came on here to try and put an end to your ridiculous troll hunting exercise and get back to the subject in hand. And thanks for your sympathy, but I really don't need it.

ajmc I'd be spending time working on drizzles misogynistic views and failing that, getting myself away from him pronto if I were you rather than harassing posters on here who have offered decent advice to the OP.

You yourself have offered NO advice whatsoever to the OP so not sure how you are attempting to get back to the matter in hand.

??? but I haven't been harassing posters on here! I didn't realise that I was obliged to offer advice on the subject. I was attempting to get back to the subject by putting an end to the conversation that the OP was infact my DP..no?

? I'm not troll hunting. I'm saying to caught if he is worried about the troll hunting he can report the posts etc.

You seem to have a similar knack for paranoid misinterpretation as your partner!

I believe you OP.

I hope you feel you can come back to your thread if you need support.

Maybe you should look over your posts and see how they are open to misinterpretation...sorry for being so stupid. I have no idea why you are attacking me, I am not responsible for anyone elses views or posts

Whatever ajmc - although I didn't address that particular part of the post to caught it wouldn't make sense as a response to you.

And I didn't say you were stupid by the way, I said you had misinterpreted my post in the same paranoid way that drizzle did - "you all say xyz" without actually reading anything properly.

OP how are you today? The initial shock is likely to start being replaced by other emotions. Just don?t feel pressured into deciding anything until you are ready and make clear to your wife that it?s your choices that matter now.

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Suggest we all move past the drizzle debacle by focusing on the OP rather than peripheral arguments?

Matilda / Charbon / Yellowtulips / All - my wife and I have been talking and communicating alot. Thank you to those of you that believe this is real (again, I wish it wasn't) - if anyone from MNHQ is reading this, then a post from you to confirm I am a different person to those others mentioned would be helpful please.

You are all going to think I'm crazy, but I think I'm going to forgive her (eventually - I know this will take a long, long time). We have been through too much over the past 12 years and have had some genuinely amazingly happy times, to let it all slip away. Despite the initial reactions, she is now showing genuine remorse. I have been really hard on her today and have been putting myself and my emotions first. I think she is realising what she could (might) loose and we also need to remember there is a young child involved as well.

I feel strong and determined about the future - if we did decide to go our separate ways, I feel more comfortable with a life alone (with shared custody of daughter) than I did do yesterday morning. I know it's only been two days, but despite the fact that I'm still totally devastated I'm not going to let it ruin my life.

I know you'll think I'm bonkers for forgiving her and I know the road ahead will be difficult. The varying advice I received yesterday was brilliant and has helped me to be selfish about my needs and what I want.

Another bonkers comments - I still love her. I can't turn off my emotions like a tap and I know this will stay with us forever - but I can see a future together and so can she. There are still so many unanswered questions and I have an annoying need to keep asking her the gory details (I don't want to know - but kind of do as well if you know what I mean).

The comments about her having emotionally detached herself from the marriage before this happened were also very helpful. We both now realise and admit that this was the case and all of the facebook, twitter type friendships have been deleted.

Please don't be too harsh on me but your views are welcome (I'm not sure I can take any more comments though on this being made up or me posting under another name - I'm not sure what a "troll" is in this context, but I don't think I'm one of them!).

I don't think you are in the least bit bonkers, and I wish you and your wife well.

Hi Caughtwifewithanotherman I do believe that you can come to terms with what has happened, but you have 'lost' the person that you thought you knew and your wife has become in some senses a stranger.
She, however,will face her own burden of guilt and may find it difficult to accept what her past selfishness had brought to your relationship. So don't underestimate the difficulty that your wife will face in coming to terms with what's happened because of her choices.

You sound absolutely lovely btw.

Take time to deal with your anger - it'll take a long time for this to heal. Do be aware that it would be easy for your wife to buy a cheap pay-as-you-go mobile exclusively for contacting this man. So make her accountable for where she is, at least in the short term until you can be certain she has cut all ties with the OM.

She will take a while to grieve for the end of that relationship and yoiu need to accept that if your own marriage is to survive. She will feel devastated by what she has done to you and your family and will be tempted to share those feelings with the only person who knew the 'highs' of her affair - the OM.

You can make this work if you both want to but it'll take a long time to heal the wounds.

I do despair when posters such as Mr Drivel give such a biased account of what 'should' happen. It takes no account of the fact that not everyone holds the same views about relationships.

My XH cheated on me. We are divorced, but NOT because of the cheating, the cheating was a symptom of other problems, not the actual problem itself. In our case, I was very wrapped up with the children, and neither of us were particularly mature.

We divorced, we have had some bad times, but we have found mutual ground and are now good friends. It has been good for our DDs to see that 2 divorcing parents does not equal war. He stays here when he comes up to visit the DDs. I am still in contact with my XH's family, and love them deeply, the love is returned.

Cheating does not have to equal the end of the marriage, not if the reason for it is explored, and a good attempt is made to rectify any problems. The most damaging thing for children is warring parents. This post is aimed at drizzle in particular, the path you are advocating would have meant our family beign ripped apart, for me to no longer have a good relationship with my XPILs, and no relationship with my XH.

Life doesn't have to be the way you think it is drizzle. People can be good people, even if they have cheated, that is only one aspect of their life. The OP knows his DW better than anyone else here, and ultimately it is for him to decide what is the best course of action.

Ranting and calling people names is neither productive nor clever. If the OP feels he can, and wants to salvage his marriage, good for him. He may be right, he may be wrong, but at least he will be able to hold his head up high and say that he tried.

And if that doesn't work, then the most important thing is that the divorce is handled as amicably, and easily as possible. For their DCs sake.

I'm so glad you came back caught! Sorry a troll is someone who deliberately posts things on the Internet to wind people up which is why if people accused you of being drizzle they were "troll hunting" (which is actually not allowed anyway). But it is quite common on here and you shouldn't take it as a slight on you more perhaps as a measure of exactly how terrible what you've been talking about is!

I'm not going to shout at you because it is your decision to make, I'll still keep needling about not staying together for children and needing to forgive her on your terms if you are going to and perhaps also the need for you to get some space and time before really deciding to make sure you are happy with your decision.

You sound much calmer today, which is good. I'm glad you feel more confident about the possibility of leaving if you need to. Do you think you are wanting to know all the gory details in order to get it out of the way and try a fresh start?

I certainly think it is possible to get things back after infidelity but you know there can't be any guarantees and I hope you won't fall into a trap of tolerating crappy things she does out of fear of her leaving.

And I think you may have to let your previous idealised ideas about her go and see her how she really is and that if you do you may realise she isn't what you want..

feckbox / fortyplus / offred / scarah - thank you for your kind words and advice.

I'm not sure what the future will hold but I will make damn sure it doesn't impact on my daughter. I really do love my wife and hope we can move through this. I want to look back on our life when we are old and grey and agree that despite that some severe ups and downs along the way, we are happy that we have stayed together and lived our lives together.

I can't believe that 48 hours after this "discovery", I'm going to forgive her. If you'd have given me this scenario hypothetically beforehand, I think this would have only ended in divorce.

I accept that ONE of the reasons for the recent problems in our marriage were due to her emotionally detaching herself and diverting some of her energies towards this other man. There are other areas that we need to work on together, but I think that this has (finally - it took a few hours after the "incident"!) shocked my wife into realising that the grass is not always greener and has also made her think about what she could have (and still could) have lost.

This might be too much info for everyone, but we have had sex twice since this happened - this is probably the craziest thing about all of this, but I'm just going to roll with it and hope that this will help us to become emotionally close again (I'm aware that this part is totally weird after what I've been through and will probably open me up to accusations again that none of this is real!!).

I've been reading this thread but not posted until now.

I really wish people with their own agendas would take them elsewhere, and not paste a shitload more hurt on top of that already being experienced by OPs in circumstances like these.

Caught I'm glad that your wife appears to have woken up to the damage she has caused. I wish you both all the best in sorting things out together.

Having lots of sex after discovery is probably what is termed hysterical bonding and is supposed to be fairly common and normal after discoveries like this.

When you're in shock (which you still are) it's best to avoid absolutes, OP. I don't think you can promise forgiveness yet because it's too soon to decide that.

The hysterical bonding is part of shock too.

I don't think you're mad, wrong or anything like that. I just don't think you're yet in a position to decide on the future.

Neither do I think you've got all the facts at your disposal with which to make a decision.

After the initial relief and re-claiming, there will come a time when you will crash and start to have quite reasonable doubts; about what you've been led to believe and about the future.

Don't put all your trust and faith in this early phase. It might be as much a mirage as the affair possibly was to your wife. Not yet real.

No charbon's post is bang on caught.

It isn't surprising at all it is hysterical bonding and a sign that you need to give yourself more time before making a final decision.

I really cannot stress enough that forgiveness is hollow if it's forgiveness for a different story to the real truth. If your wife is still telling lies having been discovered, that forgiveness will mean nothing to her either. Her emotions like yours are all over the place today. Relief will be one of her strongest emotions, but it is far too soon for her to be feeling genuine remorse for having an affair. She might be sorry to have been the cause of your pain, which is a very different thing.

Forgiveness based on a lie is false. Please ensure you get the truth before making a decision on what to do next. Forgiveness when you are satisfied you know all the indisputable facts is something that will also be far more precious to your wife.

Good luck with whatever happens-you will be feeling enormously relieved to have made a decision, now you know you will not have to uproot your whole lives, but please keep one tiny part of your mind to one side, just in case.
As you would a quick getaway suitcase under the bed, in the event of a zombie apocolypse....