Caught wife in the act with another man

[Caughtwifewithanotherman]

I can't quite believe I'm on here posting, but I stumbled across this site this morning whilst trying to make sense of the worst night of my life last night. I'm not sure I'm "allowed" to post on here as a bloke, but I'm hoping for some advice as I don't know what to do and am feeling devastated.

I discovered my wife straddled on top of another man (that she works with) in our car after a night out that they'd been on (they'd been to an evening function with other people as well and were both drunk). I had been working away for the day and had arranged to meet her and arrived early (it was actually 11pm - the car was on a deserted car park).

They hadn't had sex, but had done pretty much everything else and I can't get the image out of my head of opening the car door and finding them there on the passenger seat (her straddling him, bra undone, him with hand between her legs ...).

We've been together 12 years, married for 8 and 30's. She is the love of my life and I'm totally gutted. Our marriage has been going through a difficuly period for a few months now as we both feel as though we've drifted apart and not sure what we want from life - partly attributed to a feeling of marrying "too young". We are both "nice / normal" people who rarely argue and this is so out of character it's unbelievable.

I'm not sure I can forgive her as the pain is so intense. I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad if she'd told me about it as opposed to me discovering it.

We have talked and cried for hours and she has said it meant nothing and she saw it as more of a "shock factor" type moment and in a perverse kind of way she is glad I've found out as it might revive and save our marriage.

To make things worse I've been suspicious about my wife and this "colleague" for several months now - lots of time spent away working, hundreds of texts (I've now seen them and it is obvious that despite some flirty banter, this was the first time it was acted upon).

I think we both want to make a go of it but my wife (based upon the unhappy period of a few months before last night) doesnt seem so certain, although she is desperate for us to "try". I've told her all contact with this guy will need to cease (Facebook, twitter, texts, emails etc), although I recognise their paths may cross due to their line of work. When I talked about deleting him from twitter etc she didnt seem convinced - she knows she's made a huge mistake and doesnt seem to realise what impact it would have on me if they remained FB friends etc.

I'm in the depths of despair - please help. I also forgot to mention we have a 5 year old daughter - how could she.

All I can think is, that if I was stupid enough to get carried away and do something like that, that my DH would give me another chance. I sit here and think about my DDs and my family and think, what if?

If it is a one off physical encounter, and if she is appalled at her own behaviour and desperate to fix it, then personally, I would give it another try.

I know that this isnt a popular view, but I dont subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" viewpoint. I have done some stupid things in the past (not cheating, but there are many other stupid things out there) and these are behaviours that I will never repeat, because I learned my lesson.

However, she has to REALLY, really be willing to do whatever it takes to build your relationship into something that makes you both happy.

Sorry, my first paragraph should have asked the question, WOULD my DH give me another chance?

I think you must show her how serious this is. Make her leave for a while if possible. At the very least make her move to the spare room. Tell her she has to go to a std clinic, doesn't matter if she says they haven't had full sex, you can still catch stuff and even if you think its unlikely she has, then still make her go so that she sees the seriousness of what she's done.

Don't beg. Don't let her chose. Make it clear that YOU are deciding if YOU want HER.

Funny that. PP

shouldkeepquiet - I wonder how many of us have been sat on our hands all day thinking something similar

Ah, c'mon. I am prepared to accept that OP is genuine, and maybe has disspeared due to either the apalling thread derail of a couple of loonies, or because his real life has taken over.
Let's not be so suspicious that some poor shmo who really needs help gets thrown by the wayside, eh?

Er, why would you be sitting on your hands and not reporting?

I have reported

obvious to me they were one and the same.

Hate when threads go like this. Please let's not make this another troll hunting thread. Nothing is confirmed and does it even matter anyway?

Oh no...and I'd been thinking what a poor man whilst doing chores today ....anyway...as Offred says nothing confirmed and there are people in this situation for real and the discussion at least was genuine - hope he gets some real life support either way...

I had been working away for the day and had arranged to meet her and arrived early (it was actually 11pm - the car was on a deserted car park).

Don't quite get this bit. You walked to the car park to drive her back in your car? Doesn't make much sense, but if you were posting in a hurry then fair enough.

And thedrizzle is Misogyny 101: I'm trying to get the man to see that he is, in fact, a man, and that he shouldn't have to accept this from any woman

Classic.

I am actually laughing at the thought of the OP prowling towards the car. What a load of crap!

F4J still muleish about Mumsnet. Possibly.

Personally I think the responses on here to this conceivably accurate dilemma have been bloody excellent and not gender-biased at all.

I haven't read the whole thread. I'm lying on the sofa with a kidney infection and I want to read it through properly when I can give it my full attention. But I wanted to say Bloody Hell. What a horrendous thing to go through. It would break me to find DH like that, I don't know if I could ever forgive him. It is very early days, you are shocked, from where I read to it sounded as though she was giving mixed messages about your future. You have a little girl and so you both really need to take time to decide how to move forward. She needs to completely cut this man out and to give you any information honestly about what may have happened before. She needs to agree to go to relate or similar with you and to try and work back to feeling closer. If she is infatuated with the other man she may not want to do that now, but the most sensible thing would be to have some time apart where you can both think, talk on the 'phone or meet, but not live together and search both your hearts as to what you want. I am very touched by how much you are already putting your daughter first. You sound a lovely man btw, I'm sorry to read what you are going through.

Doh, WHY did I only read the first two pages? Feel like a half-wit now.

You're far from a halfwit, melly. Conceivably an accurate scenario, so, sympathy deserved for the op if so.

Well just to let you all know that you are wrong and OP and Thedrizzle are not one and the same...guaranteed. I know because Thedrizzle is my DP and I showed him the original thread to which he decided he wanted to comment on. I personally feel very sorry for the OP and feel under no circumstances should he entertain having her back. How could he ever trust her again? Ever? I know I couldn't no matter how much I wanted to, it would always be there playing with my brain. Anyway, I would appreciate the half bag of Malteasers shouldkeepquiet

All this shitty game playing is so futile.

I HATE it when this happens. Just stop with the clever snarky stupid stuff at each other. Especially you MrD.

I just need to say that me and thedrizzle are NOT one and the same person - I can't even believe this has been suggested.

The reason I was in the city centre at 11pm is that I'd been working elsewhere (400 miles away) and had just come off the back of a six hour train journey. I was meeting my wife on the car park near the uni buildings and was early (hence the discovery - they were both very drunk and I guess had lost track of time).

For anyone that doesn't think this scenario is "real", then you are mistaken - it's a living hell. I know this is difficult to "prove" in internet land, but trust me, it's true (I wish it wasn't).

The advice I was getting before the post derailed was really useful and I thank you all for those who contributed. I probably won't be back as it's too hurtful after everything that has happened for people to suggest this is made up or that I am posting under other names etc. :(

My sympathies ajmc.

Caught- glad you are back. Don't pay too much attention. There are rules over troll hunting which many posters think don't apply to them because it is "easy to tell" when someone is a troll and "we have to protect innocent posters being taken in". Just ignore it. How are you feeling?