Caught wife in the act with another man

[Caughtwifewithanotherman]

I can't quite believe I'm on here posting, but I stumbled across this site this morning whilst trying to make sense of the worst night of my life last night. I'm not sure I'm "allowed" to post on here as a bloke, but I'm hoping for some advice as I don't know what to do and am feeling devastated.

I discovered my wife straddled on top of another man (that she works with) in our car after a night out that they'd been on (they'd been to an evening function with other people as well and were both drunk). I had been working away for the day and had arranged to meet her and arrived early (it was actually 11pm - the car was on a deserted car park).

They hadn't had sex, but had done pretty much everything else and I can't get the image out of my head of opening the car door and finding them there on the passenger seat (her straddling him, bra undone, him with hand between her legs ...).

We've been together 12 years, married for 8 and 30's. She is the love of my life and I'm totally gutted. Our marriage has been going through a difficuly period for a few months now as we both feel as though we've drifted apart and not sure what we want from life - partly attributed to a feeling of marrying "too young". We are both "nice / normal" people who rarely argue and this is so out of character it's unbelievable.

I'm not sure I can forgive her as the pain is so intense. I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad if she'd told me about it as opposed to me discovering it.

We have talked and cried for hours and she has said it meant nothing and she saw it as more of a "shock factor" type moment and in a perverse kind of way she is glad I've found out as it might revive and save our marriage.

To make things worse I've been suspicious about my wife and this "colleague" for several months now - lots of time spent away working, hundreds of texts (I've now seen them and it is obvious that despite some flirty banter, this was the first time it was acted upon).

I think we both want to make a go of it but my wife (based upon the unhappy period of a few months before last night) doesnt seem so certain, although she is desperate for us to "try". I've told her all contact with this guy will need to cease (Facebook, twitter, texts, emails etc), although I recognise their paths may cross due to their line of work. When I talked about deleting him from twitter etc she didnt seem convinced - she knows she's made a huge mistake and doesnt seem to realise what impact it would have on me if they remained FB friends etc.

I'm in the depths of despair - please help. I also forgot to mention we have a 5 year old daughter - how could she.

Perhaps you would be wise to say that you are "willing to try to forgive" your wife. You are experiencing a gut reaction, which can change many times, as you learn more of the whys and wherefores for her behaviour. I`m sure you realise that your forgiveness alone will not make everything right. Your wife has damaged you, and your marriage, in the worst possible way, and she needs to promise you - and to be seen to be giving - total and complete honestly from now on.

That said, I feel that you are the sort of man who can make this work, and I truly hope it does. Never lose sight of your self worth. Your wife is a very lucky woman. To say you forgive is quite easy.....to forget is a whole different ball game. I wish you well.

I don't know, my concern is you seem the sort of man to try and hold up a marriage by himself and ultimately come to grief just as you come to rely on your wife to support you because the relationship had been set up to work entirely for her benefit in order to prevent her leaving.

I suppose I mean person rather than man. I'm glad you are seeing your worth but you need to translate this into getting your needs met in reality IYSWIM?

OP . Good luck on trying to rebuild your marriage, I dont think I could do what you are doing but I wish you all the best.

What your wife did was frankly disgusting and that still needs dealing with. Is she now making sure that ALL contact with the OM is stopped, and yes that does mean not even work based contact. I would not be able to contemplate continuing a relationship where there was still going to be contact with the OM in any way shape or form.

You are one hell of a strong bloke and the dignity you have shown is stunning! From one man to another well done and good luck.

Some of the troll hunting I have seen on here is appalling and the posters of it should apologise and be ashamed of themselves. MN rules are for all of us!

well said Agathafusty

The most important person involved in this scenario is your daughter, however you decide to proceed should be governed by that thought.

I do wish you all the best for the future and hope that you can work things out, but I do think that you should have counselling together to explore why she did what she did and for you to both open discuss what you want from the future.

I am surprised at the overwhelming support for counseling here. I had always thought it was a bit of a hit or a miss

I think couples counselling would be a mistake here, especially with Relate who will inevitably focus on what was wrong with the relationship. There were probably all sorts of things that could have been better, as there are in all relationships.

I think individual counselling though could be helpful, but only after the shock has worn off and only with very skilled and challenging counsellors.

Yeah I am a bit too. I don't see why joint counselling is necessary after something like this? If any counselling separate counselling would be more productive than joint I think.

I was just thinking that counselling would help both of them to be honest. Whether its joint or together, it will bring feelings etc out into the open. I just wonder how well OP can truly "get over" this and forgive his wife if he doesnt talk it through fully in counselling either with her or somebody else. and I thought that you had to focus on what is wrong in a relationship to be able to fix it?

But Im coming from an angle where my STBXH didnt talk to me at all about being unhappy and had an obsession with OW, so I suppose I bang on about communication and talking because a lack of it killed my marriage........

Dear Caught, so sorry that you are going through this, please don't disappear, come back to ask questions if/when you need to. Try to take Charbon's advise, it is spot on. Regardless of gender the hurt and betrayal of a loved one cheating on you is too much to bear and you are in shock right now. Your post mirrors my own so much it is scary. STBEH also made it obvious for me to find out, (his cowardly way of letting me know, sure that I would throw him out , I didn't). Also reluctant to delete all contact with OW at first ,claimed he needed her number for work related issues. I so wanted not to throw away many years of a happy?? marriage. Also did the hysterical bonding, just trying to re-connect with him. I wished I had discovered mumsnet before I put myself through many months of agony, humiliation and loosing my self esteem in the process, trying to hold on to a man who had already checked out emotionally and was in fact making plans to move in with OW, a few months after our sons wedding (the same wedding I hoped would make him see what he might miss if he left us.) He never once begged or pleaded for forgiveness, he put the blame on me claiming he needed a lot of attention! My x attended relate and let me check his mobile freely to reassure me all was over, simply, he entered spurious meetings on his electronic office calender ,to which OW had access, so no phone calls/FB or text to check on. If I had followed the advise Dolly (read her thread if you can)received from MN I would be in a far better place right now. Your DW I fear, will not respect you, you have not set any boundaries in trying to move on so quickly. You sound a most wonderful father and in putting your DD first, you will put yourself last, I know this is what I did. Our DC will love us regardless, should you not remain with her mother. DC are very intuitive when relationships are not working . Further ,please take on board re legal advise. STBEX & OW knew that they could not be divorced on the grounds of adultery after 6 months had passed, and both were staying in the marital home, biding their time, working on their PRETEND marriages. The lies and deceit, take my breath away. Now that I have scuppered their plans, I have felt the full force of the total lack of love/respect the x has for me.
I am not saying this will be true for you, I wish you well and I sincerely hope you get to grow old with the women you love, just know that if truly remorseful she would be the one driving this and not you. Private message me if you wish, as sadly your post got hijacked, seemingly because of your gender, but know that these folk do know their stuff and the advise they give is excellent!

The thing is skye, the OP's relationship probably isn't the source problem here. His wife's individual choices on the other hand, are evidently problematical. A relationship that has the normal stresses and strains of both parents working while trying to raise children and the romantic relationship needing some TLC from both partners, doesn't usually result in an affair. It might though if one of the partners has character and personality traits that lean towards escapism and illicit adventures that cannot be provided in marriage. So if someone is a thrill-seeker who gets off on illicitness, the best relationship in the world can't provide that.

Some very traditional counsellors are also very uncomfortable about women being thrill-seekers and prefer to think they don't exist, so they fall back on the dominant discourse which is that women only have affairs when their relationships are bad. This is a hang-up from patriarchical nonsense that women's motivations are defined solely by their relationships and their satisfaction levels within them and will only seek extra sex if their love needs are not met. I think there is evidence of that sort of woolly, patriarchical thinking on this thread when one poster said as much.

So encountering a counsellor who has difficulty accepting that some women have affairs for the same reasons as some men - the thrills, the illicitness and the promise of different sex - can do more harm than good, especially if the woman herself is claiming that she had an affair only because she was unhappily married and the counsellor nods sagely and doesn't challenge that.

I agree that joint counselling is not the right move either.

But Im coming from an angle where my STBXH didnt talk to me at all about being unhappy and had an obsession with OW, so I suppose I bang on about communication and talking because a lack of it killed my marriage........

Yes communication is vital but with many cheaters, they selfishly CHOOSE not to communicate because they wanted to go ahead and enjoy the thrills of an affair. Also in many cases, the marriage itself is often a happy one and in all cases cheating is always about the betrayer's issues, coping skills and personality flaws.