Caught wife in the act with another man

[Caughtwifewithanotherman]

I can't quite believe I'm on here posting, but I stumbled across this site this morning whilst trying to make sense of the worst night of my life last night. I'm not sure I'm "allowed" to post on here as a bloke, but I'm hoping for some advice as I don't know what to do and am feeling devastated.

I discovered my wife straddled on top of another man (that she works with) in our car after a night out that they'd been on (they'd been to an evening function with other people as well and were both drunk). I had been working away for the day and had arranged to meet her and arrived early (it was actually 11pm - the car was on a deserted car park).

They hadn't had sex, but had done pretty much everything else and I can't get the image out of my head of opening the car door and finding them there on the passenger seat (her straddling him, bra undone, him with hand between her legs ...).

We've been together 12 years, married for 8 and 30's. She is the love of my life and I'm totally gutted. Our marriage has been going through a difficuly period for a few months now as we both feel as though we've drifted apart and not sure what we want from life - partly attributed to a feeling of marrying "too young". We are both "nice / normal" people who rarely argue and this is so out of character it's unbelievable.

I'm not sure I can forgive her as the pain is so intense. I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad if she'd told me about it as opposed to me discovering it.

We have talked and cried for hours and she has said it meant nothing and she saw it as more of a "shock factor" type moment and in a perverse kind of way she is glad I've found out as it might revive and save our marriage.

To make things worse I've been suspicious about my wife and this "colleague" for several months now - lots of time spent away working, hundreds of texts (I've now seen them and it is obvious that despite some flirty banter, this was the first time it was acted upon).

I think we both want to make a go of it but my wife (based upon the unhappy period of a few months before last night) doesnt seem so certain, although she is desperate for us to "try". I've told her all contact with this guy will need to cease (Facebook, twitter, texts, emails etc), although I recognise their paths may cross due to their line of work. When I talked about deleting him from twitter etc she didnt seem convinced - she knows she's made a huge mistake and doesnt seem to realise what impact it would have on me if they remained FB friends etc.

I'm in the depths of despair - please help. I also forgot to mention we have a 5 year old daughter - how could she.

I really resent the implication from charlee and the drizzle that the advice was to ignore and forgive because we are women, it is a really offensive suggestion and I don't even think the advice was saying that. Catching up on the thread before I was thinking everyone is being quite harsh and jaded about the possibility of getting past infidelity actually. It is the op who is keen and even he was saying the consensus seemed to be that it wasn't possible.

I think immediately after discovering something like this your decision is hugely (subconsciously) motivated by the overwhelming urge to make it not have happened, to take the pain away by holding tight to the relationship. That's why I think you are absolutely right to assert to her that you are a good man and nice person who deserves respect, I think you need space from her and time before you decide what you want and I think you need to stop thinking that what is best for your daughter is always to try and make a go of it, lots of that depends on whether it is worth trying as zip says and I think you can't know that just now. I am not into dictating a cheating partner does xyz because they need to be able to self-regulate and how they choose to behave when left to their own devices shows you how successful any attempt at reconciliation will be.

Men Who Hate Women as you quite clearly do tend to frighten them off, well the undamaged and emotionally healthy ones anyway, just saying .

So sorry

I second the suggestion to get SHirley Glass's Not Just Friends - there is a lot about workplace affairs.

I would disagree that counselling is a good idea at this stage. It is more appropriate if she is committed to making the marriage work and you have decided to take her back.

The ball is in your court - you get to take control and decide what you want. Not her.

Back to your wife - I get the impression she is looking for a way out, she seems to have engineered your discovery - which I think is very cruel. This is backed up by her text to OM. I think she is lying about it being the first time.

She is still in her fantasy fuelled affair bubble and her priority is OM - not you, not her marriage or her family. Your only chance of bursting this bubble and getting her to recommit to the marriage is LOSS.

This means telling her the marriage is over and she has to move out (at least to the spare room) while you think about what you want and process your thoughts and feelings.

Do NOT make any long term decisions - you will experience so many emotions and change your mind a million times during the next several months.

Please remember none of this is your fault - she chose to do these things, not you. If the marriage was really that bad, she should have talked to you, wrote a letter, suggested counselling, invested time and energy in the marriage instead of boosting her own ego by having this affair.

Ah yes, ridiculous rant. I forget that your opinion is the only correct one, and when a woman cheats it is the mans job to try and work on the marriage.

Wait a minute - OP, you are definitely doing the right thing. A woman who cheats on you is clearly telling you that you are the bad one for not being enough of a man for her. The absolutely best thing to do is to forgive her, then allow your child to grow up and have a sorry excuse for a man as a father and a mother who only cares about self-satisfaction. I'm sure this is why society is doing so well, and will continue to do so in the future.

Up until a few minutes ago, the advice I had been getting was really constructive and helpful - thank you to everyone for your support today.

thedrizzle - there is nothing you can say that will make me feel worse than I already feel - im a strong willed person who has only been contemplating things on here today because there is a 5 year old child involved (and I will do anything to minimise the impact to her, despite anything my wife has done).

Matilda - thank you.

Offred - just for the record I am female, but do agree with thedrizzle.

OP can only make up his own mind about what he wants to do. We are here to offer our opinions - as we have.

Can I (respectfully) suggest that posters don't get involved in an argument with a misogynist and post only to help the OP? The last thing he needs is this thread getting derailed.

Oh read my posts. Nowhere have I said anything about working on the relationship, only about making sure the child involved isn't affected. But hey don't let that get in the way of your ridiculous posturing and aggression. It's quite entertaining actually .

The kind of person who is so empty of compassion and empathy and so full of superiority and hate for others like you the drizzle is what's wrong with society )if anything). For the last time; it isn't your opinion that she isn't trustworthy and he shouldn't consider taking her back, which has also been said by others on the thread, it is the way you are speaking about women as a group and the op personally and the nasty vicious words you are using

You do come across as hating women.

Yes sorry OP. I hope you and your family find a way forward that involves the least amount of pain possible.

charbon - thank you.

OP - ignore the crazy ranting from the woman hater

You are doing brilliantly - after my discovery, I was a sobbing mess of the floor. One day at a time and make your daughter and yourself your priorities now. Don't be afraid of a future that is different to the one you had yesterday morning. Your little girl is very lucky to have you

The best thing for the DC is to see its father not put up with this disgusting behaviour from its mother, and understand that it is not OK to do things like this to other people. If you stay and brush over it, the child will sense the underlying problem and grow up to be like you both.

If my post caused you to feel bad, then that was not my intention; rather my intention was to break through all this dreary garbage from women whose love lives are probably duller than the dullest thing possible.

The relationship wasn't happy - it was a sham, a lie, a woman faking her 'love' to you all the while she was doing whatever with this other bloke/blokes.

Heed my warning - forgive her for cheating, and she'll do it again and again. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

I know charlee I didn't say you weren't female I said you had accused the posters on this thread of giving advice they didn't actually give on the basis that they are female and the op is a man. That is nothing to do with whether you are a man or a woman.

Indeed, why should anyone give compassion, empathy and understanding to a cheating spouse? I'd love to read your reasons behind this, truly insightful they must be.

Sassybeast - thank you.

Not to the cheating spouse the drizzle to the op why are you trying to kick him when he's down?!

I love how you all 'gang up' on the man that calls out the truth, and call me a woman hater. Yes, you're right - I hate women that cheat. But I also hate men that cheat, because both are just as pathetic as the other. I also very much dislike forgiving them for such a heinous crime - the only resolution should be to kick them out, get on with your life, and find somebody that wants to be with you.

Oh Go away Drizzle you utter bore.

No, offred. I said if it was the other way round...I have read many threads where women 'think' their partner is cheating but have no evidence and posters have replied to get out while they can, leave him, etc. Whereas the posts on this thread even though OP has seen with his own eyes that she has cheated were quite light hearted and sympathetic. I didnt mean anything by it really.

Offred I'm trying to get the man to see that he is, in fact, a man, and that he shouldn't have to accept this from any woman, regardless if she is his wife (indeed, great wife she is...).

It is because you have accused us of giving advice to the op that we didnt give because you already decided "that's what women say" and because of the words you use to describe women and the ways you speak about "real men" and the way you read into what we say what you want us to have said because you clearly have a script in your mind which prevents you reading the responses.

Well done akaemmafrost, your debating skills are absolute top notch. May I suggest an application to the national debating team? Your input will definitely help the team win the prize... oh wait, you've provided no insight except complete drivel and a personal attach the the man speaking the truth to another man.

HELLO, THE MAN CAUGHT HIS WIFE ON TOP OF ANOTHER MAN, AND HE WONDERS IF HE CAN SALVAGE HIS MARRIAGE

It's completely ludicrous.