Caught wife in the act with another man

[Caughtwifewithanotherman]

I can't quite believe I'm on here posting, but I stumbled across this site this morning whilst trying to make sense of the worst night of my life last night. I'm not sure I'm "allowed" to post on here as a bloke, but I'm hoping for some advice as I don't know what to do and am feeling devastated.

I discovered my wife straddled on top of another man (that she works with) in our car after a night out that they'd been on (they'd been to an evening function with other people as well and were both drunk). I had been working away for the day and had arranged to meet her and arrived early (it was actually 11pm - the car was on a deserted car park).

They hadn't had sex, but had done pretty much everything else and I can't get the image out of my head of opening the car door and finding them there on the passenger seat (her straddling him, bra undone, him with hand between her legs ...).

We've been together 12 years, married for 8 and 30's. She is the love of my life and I'm totally gutted. Our marriage has been going through a difficuly period for a few months now as we both feel as though we've drifted apart and not sure what we want from life - partly attributed to a feeling of marrying "too young". We are both "nice / normal" people who rarely argue and this is so out of character it's unbelievable.

I'm not sure I can forgive her as the pain is so intense. I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad if she'd told me about it as opposed to me discovering it.

We have talked and cried for hours and she has said it meant nothing and she saw it as more of a "shock factor" type moment and in a perverse kind of way she is glad I've found out as it might revive and save our marriage.

To make things worse I've been suspicious about my wife and this "colleague" for several months now - lots of time spent away working, hundreds of texts (I've now seen them and it is obvious that despite some flirty banter, this was the first time it was acted upon).

I think we both want to make a go of it but my wife (based upon the unhappy period of a few months before last night) doesnt seem so certain, although she is desperate for us to "try". I've told her all contact with this guy will need to cease (Facebook, twitter, texts, emails etc), although I recognise their paths may cross due to their line of work. When I talked about deleting him from twitter etc she didnt seem convinced - she knows she's made a huge mistake and doesnt seem to realise what impact it would have on me if they remained FB friends etc.

I'm in the depths of despair - please help. I also forgot to mention we have a 5 year old daughter - how could she.

Nah. You're no more qualified.

You can change it yourself drivel. No need to email anyone. Sounds like you've not been here very long.........

ps In my view, people are basically the same regardless, and are unfaithful for similar reasons, whatever their sex. We are all human.

I think it is really cruel and unhelpful of anyone to hint that how you handle this issue is a ;manhood' thing. (and possibly also projecting, if you see what I mean).

In fact, it is not a coincidence that people on this thread have warmed to you, as you sound like most of our idea of what a real man should be these days.

I dont want to split hairs OP but how did you come to be in the deserted car park at 11pm where they were too ?

Anyway I couldnt get past that kind of discovery , its not just the sex but all the texts too

Also, your going to come up against some extremely strong views on cheating/divorce/marriage. Some from people u know well that will possibly shock you. It's all opinion in the end. At the end of the day it's just about your family so b judicious as to what u listen to...

We aren't all barmy coz we use these forums. Of course it's helpful it's anonymous. Amazing how much strength that gives some idiots.

Ah, I forgot that the length of time I've been at mumsnet directly correlates to my ability to provide valid, relevant opinions, mumsnet must be the hub of enlightened humanity, thus I will stay consume every post and come out a better human being.

No not really but it may be indicative of a poster that's just out to cause upset and trouble.

Yes DO stick around I think we could really help you form a more civilised viewpoint .

^^

What she said

oh I did a blank thing [hgrin]

OP the more I think about this the more I think if your marriage has any chance of survival she has to be begging you, pleading with you that you stay or that she can stay. I know a woman who begged her husband, when he cheated, and it's always there in their marriage. She knows that she gave him the green light for thinking what he did was okay and she's lucky to have him.

Does your wife still respect you? Obviously you cannot respect her.

Hello again akaemmafrost

Just to clear this up, because I have a feeling I may constantly encounter you on this message board if I post elsewhere.

My DP found this thread after browsing mumsnet for months and months, and after getting bored with all the generic woman responses (it's not her fault! think about it! perhaps there were underlying issues that caused her to act this way!) I felt I had to post from a man's perspective.

For your information (the people quoting F4J) I do not have children and do not plan to have any - to bring a child into this world I feel is a very selfish act. You'll now come back and say I have no right to give a father advice on what to do about his child, but I all know is that by telling him to calm down, think about it and potentially forgive her for the sake of a child... well, I feel sorry for you. If a child is raised by a single parent because the other cheated, does that make the single parent good or bad?

Most of you have this view: disregard other's opinions that do not align with your own, and keep bleating out the same boring garbage that everyone else says - that's the way forward!

One thing OP.

How do you know they did everything if you only saw her straddled?

You see if I saw my husband with a woman on top, I would think they'd shagged but I don't know if I'd think about the foreplay.

So did you stand in the cold watching her for ages? blow job = 10 minutes, cunnilingus = at least 10 minutes, kissing, groping etc etc etc etc

Hang on, so mrdrivel you're more qualified as a man BUT you're unqualified as a parent to really comment. You have NO idea of what it's like to put someone else's needs above your own. NO IDEA.

Straddled in a car, hand between legs.... what car was it? WEre they in the front seat?

PosieParker

So predictable....

On a total side note, whats with the blue question marks in boxes? Keep seeing them lately. What do they mean? How do you make them?? Can anyone explain? Sorry so petty but driving me nuts!

I can't see any question marks in boxes?

OP - hope you are ok. Feel very sorry that the thread has been derailed. I just want to say I wish you all the best whatever you decide to do going forward.

Personally I would look to follow the wise words from Zip, which I have C&P'd again below so you dont have to scroll past all the derailment:

---------
Perhaps you need to get past the initial shock of what has happened before making bigger decisions. What you have seen, read and felt is a grief that needs to be gone through- our best friends split up because of the actions of the woman- her DH was left reeling but positive that he wanted the marriage to work- as time went on and His initial reactions subsided , he realised that the trust could be rebuilt but wasn't going to be and they separated - it doesn't mean you will celebrate but whilst everything is so raw it is hard to make decisions and if you are like our friend, you won't be sleeping, eating, thinking or functioning correctly - you come across as a man who has genuine love for his wife and child . But you won't be able to carry a marriage with just your love - she needs to work so hard now to build it back. If it gets too much try and spend some time with your little one on your own - you still have pure, unconditional love there and children have a funny way of reminding us of everything that is still right with the world .

I've read the whole of this thread because DS is hogging the TV and the majority view seems to be that the cheating wife will not change and that the OP should consider carefully his initial instinct to try and repair the relationship.

Which makes you-know-who's vitriol pretty pointless.

Sorry, OP that you're having a shit time. I have no experience so won't offer advice, but you sound nice and I hope you come out of this with the best outcome for you and your daughter, whatever that is.

Poor you, what a discovery to make and what a total lack of respect she has shown you by doing it in your car of all places.

Firstly, I would tell her to clean out the car herself thoroughly, that should help take any romance or passion out of the memory of her evening with OM. Whilst she was doing it, and no doubt feeling wretched, I'd go out and ask how she'd feel seeing her innocent daughter sitting on the car seat it happened on. That should help put it in context. I would try not to be angry about it but just ask as calmly as you can. If it was my car I would be furious though, I know.

I also second the idea of you taking uour dd out for the day. Don't ask for permission, just say you are doing it. That gives her time to sit and stew on it, after all, if you had thrown her out immediately that is what half of her weekends would be like from now on.

Hopefully then she may realise what she's risking, but you really don't want her to stay with you for your dd's sake, she has to want to be with you. By making yourself less available you are giving her the chance to miss you too.

I write, unfortunately, as someone who had a bit of a thing (emotional affair) post separation with a married colleague, and I wish someone had shocked me into realising how tawdry it all is.

I really feel for you.

Drizzle - if that is the case; that "most of us have that view" please answer my earlier question - why was the op, before you came saying "so it seems the consensus is that you can't get past something like this"?! Why were most people trying to talk the op out of making an immediate decision and telling him to wait and get space and don't think of "best for the child" as automatically staying together or living with her mother?!

Your posts read almost as if you didn't read the thread before posting and when you are replying you are reading responses directed at you with a bias towards "this is just what wimmin say" hence reading into my point about showing compassion to the op as showing compassion to his wife which makes it absolutely clear you have not read anything I've written on here.

Most of the people shared your opinion. Most of the people dislike the way you railroad everyone else equate maleness with aggression and bullying language.

OP, I haven't read all the posts so I am responding to your original post.

I shall base my response on what I would do if I caught my DH in a car with another woman on top of him with her hands between her legs:

Its over. Get out of my life. I do not want you anywhere near me err again

Pride would not allow me to take him back. I'd rather be alone forever. As for your DD - seek legal advice and find out what your rights are.

Good luck xx

If not F4J than just a misogynist with nothing better to do than hurl insults at someone who needs help? You must be so proud of yourself.

Respond if you want, I shall be ignoring you from now on on every thread that I'm unfortunate enough to come across you and I hope others do the same.

OP please don't stay with someone who doesn't deserve you just to keep things the way they are. Your dd won't appreciate growing up in a loveless home. She betrayed you in the worst way imaginable.

I know relationships can recover from affairs, but she needs to do A LOT of work and frankly, her behaviour up till now gives me serious doubts. Good luck.